I started writing these last year on my old site but have decided to make a dedicated site for these. Here it is!
Live-blogging Lifetime Movies!
Today brings us “Double Wedding” starring those twins that had a show on Nickelodeon forever ago. Tia and Tamara something.
One sister is a button-down lawyer type and one is a free spirit type. They make this incredibly clear two seconds of the movie opening, just so you don’t miss it. It’s revealed that their grandma is getting married (to their grandpa, because they never got to have a real wedding) and they are jealous because they don’t have a wedding to plan of their own. Harumph! Ahh, loneliness.
The family is all “Mmmm-Hmmmm” looks over that one. That look means that they don’t think these girls can find men. Or hold onto men. Or both! Grandma tells them neither can bring a date to her wedding unless they BOTH have real relationships by June. Why would they both need to? It makes no sense but no one questions it.
Next scene- Lawyer lady goes to work and her coworker lawyers have created a personal on a dating site called “Strike While You’re Hot.” They used her work badge photo and apparently replied to people for her because she has a date set up already. That’s. So. Creepy. If my close friends did this I would be a little creeped out but if people I work with did this (one of whom is her paralegal/assistant type) it would really test some boundaries. She appears to be pissed off too…
But she gets over it really quickly and decides to go out with this Chase guy they sat up for her. How will she explain on the date that she hasn’t been emailing him but that her 20-something male assistant has been doing it for her? I will bet right now that it somehow never comes up.
Other twin! Is a baker of some kind? With a pregnant friend, really contrasting her life of complete loneliness and spinsterhood. Pregnant friend signed her up for some baking competition. These girls are surrounded by pushy jerks.
Ms. Lawyer goes on the date and the dude sticks her with the check and eats off of her plate. Thanks for the date, pushy work friends! While she bitches at work about the date she finds out there is already another one lined up. Jeeeeez, leave her alone. Now her blonde boss walks in and says that “the determination you show in finding a partner spills over into getting made partner,” seriously. SERIOUSLY. She then drops the nugget that she was made partner after she forced (the actual word used) some guy to marry her. Ms. Lawyer and the paralegal can’t argue with this rock-solid logic and decide to keep on with the dating scheme.
She’s now on a clearly much better date but when he asks about her, work calls (the SAME people forcing her to go on these dates, remember?) to tell her that she has to come back to the office. She runs back to the office and her annoying paralegal is all “let’s go get a drink.” WHAT THE HELL?! He was just telling her there was an emergency to save her in case the date was bad. She’s surrounded by idiots.
Now we’re in the Mr. Wonderful’s house- some family member is telling him he’s FORCED to go on five dates with the lawyer. Why?!? All of these people are being forced into the weirdest things. I am suddenly relieved that no one in my family has ever taken an active interest in my dating life.
The sisters get coffee and talk about dudes when Ms. Lawyer takes off to go work on a Sunday. Baker sits at the table and Mr. Wonderful comes in all “I was just thinking about you.” Baker assumes this is some kind of a line but then loves how forward he’s being. Hi-jinx! He’s all planning his day hanging out with her as though he knows her and she’s a bit skeptical of his confidence. They take off together. Good lord, the hi-jinx!
She is going on and on about her baking and he’s all “on top of everything else, you bake?” and this doesn’t phase her at all. He asks for her phone number… he doesn’t have her phone number? He didn’t get it before the first date? Him: “When I saw you at the coffee shop I knew it was fate.” She’s totally won over by him even though he clearly means to be talking to her sister. The life of a twin seems endlessly complicated if tv and movies are any indication.
The annoying paralegal takes Ms. Lawyer to watch him work on his car. Good lord, is he in love with her? I hate him. And she’s sitting there waiting for Mr. Wonderful to call her…
but he doesn’t have her number, right? She gives in and emails him. Mr. Wonderful, for once, seems to be smart-ish. He’s surprised that she wants to go to a fancy restaurant since he got the feeling that she liked lower class type places. Not surprised enough that he says anything to her though. His SISTER sets the date up because these people are all living in crazy-town where their families and coworkers run their lives.
Lots of stuff on this date clearly tells both of them that they didn’t spend yesterday together… but neither of them figures it out. He puts HIS number into her blackberry. Do you see what’s going on? He has Baker’s number but Ms. Lawyer has his number. HI-JINX!!!
Baker and Mr. Wonderful have long phone calls about things like death and being abandoned by parents while stupid Paralegal flirts with Ms. Lawyer some more. If your assistant asks you to dinner and tells you it’s his treat, alarm bells should go off at least a little bit. If you have a date lined up and he says “this won’t get in the way of our hang out time, will it?” alarm bells should go off. Somehow, no alarm bells are going off. None went off when he made her a personal ad either though.
They find their grandparents a wedding venue and both tell them about their boyfriends in the making. This entire scene lays on the hi-jinx so thick, it’s incredible. The word “boyfriends” is said like 50 times with mugging to the camera. Do you get it?!? There’s only one guy. One boyfriend for two ladies. DO YOU GET IT??
Baker is talking to Mr. Wonderful when Ms. Lawyer calls and cuts in on the line. He’s all “hmmm, that’s odd.” He just thinks he never switched over. Sigh. Baker invites him to meet her family. Other line is Ms. Lawyer again- It’s like living in a Patty Duke show episode. He accepts with BOTH OF THEM to go to meet their family.
He comes to see Baker at work just as Ms. Lawyer is leaving… near miss. How long can they keep up this one gag? Also, they apparently have been dating for 4 weeks but neither of them has had sex with him or even kissed him. How weird. He walks into the BAKING KITCHEN and sees preggo friend and is all “you work at the firm too?” and they laugh about him calling it a firm, but don’t correct him. Also, he thinks this is a firm? Is he brain damaged? Sigh….. He kisses Baker so things are heating up there and it only took a month!
Ms. Lawyer has set up some kind of business meeting for Mr. Wonderful in some office with suits… who knows. Ms. Lawyer is so happy about how things are going that she thanks stupid Paralegal for setting them up. He looks less than thrilled (because he’s in love with her).
Mr. Wonderful is telling his sister about how he really loves this girl sometimes (when she’s the baker) but sometimes he can’t stand her (when she’s the lawyer) so he’s not sure that she’s the “one.”
The girls are having a stupid sister fight when Ms. Lawyer sees Mr. Wonderful calling her sister’s phone. FINALLY! They realize they have been dating the same guy. Now, the new hi-jinx is sure to be that they think he’s purposefully two-timing them. Ugh. Communicating like this is for chumps.
Ms. Lawyer is now in her paralegal’s garage bitching to him again about her love life, as lawyers are always doing. Oh wait! They get that the guy is stupid and has been dating them both unknowingly, so at least a bit of stupid hi-jinx has been avoided. Preggo is all “you never care about dudes, let your sister have him.” That’s a harsh friend. Paralegal is all “how could he think you’re the same person? You’re obviously the way better one.” God, could this ill-thought-out crush be any clearer? Ms. Lawyer met the guy first so he should be hers. Not a terrible argument.
Grandma stages an intervention for them- how does she know what’s going on?? Grandma makes a weird three-way joke. She tells them to take a time out and stop talking to Mr. Wonderful, for no real reason (she claims it’s to save their sisterly relationship but it makes zero sense). Grandma has now bossed them AGAIN in this script.
Somehow Paralegal is now in Ms. Lawyer’s apartment. She hilariously tells him that he doesn’t count as a dude because apparently she doesn’t let guys into her apartment. Paralegal sad face. Baker tells Preggo that it’s stupid that she can’t talk to Mr. Wonderful just because her grandma said so (THANK YOU!) but she continues to obey it.
The Paralegal is now hand feeding her while they look for guys for her to date on the dating site. WTF?! They discuss how he should be restoring cars and not being a paralegal because it’s his joy. He spends the next solid minute giving her the sex eyes.
Poor Mr. Wonderful keeps trying to call and email them but no one is getting back to him so he thinks he’s just getting the cold brush off. Grandma is harsh! Ms. Lawyer is now on a terrible date with a fat-faced guy blowing cigar smoke in her face.
In NYC that’s illegal, but no one is stopping him. Okay. The Paralegal won’t save her this time and since she is apparently incapable of saving herself she just stays on this date.
Mr. Wonderful shows up at Baker’s apartment and she just tells him that she can’t tell him what’s going on. Why?!?! It’s so mean. He is clearly confused as shit and she just stands there. END SCENE.
When it’s back they’re walking on the street and she still hasn’t explained anything to him. WHY?! She could have told him at her apartment. Ugh… He thinks she blew him off because of her dad abandoning her as a child and she doesn’t tell him what actually is happening. Ms. Lawyer, meanwhile, is ditching her terrible date on the street (where he hilariously says he wants to take her to open mic night at a comedy club. That is possibly the worst thing a date could ever tell me) when she sees her sister with Mr. Wonderful across the street and gets pissed. Why hasn’t the situation been explained to him yet?? Does no one realize how mean they’re being to a guy they claim to like?
Sister meet-up in the bathroom! It’s on. Ha! Baker is all “I know it’s me that he likes” and Ms. Lawyer is all “How do you know since you didn’t even tell him we’re two separate people?!?!?” Silence. Baker claims that she will tell him if it means that it will make her sister happy. Ummm, why wouldn’t she tell him ANYWAY? I don’t get any of this. Lawyer now locks her sister in the bathroom to go out and tell Mr. Wonderful about the whole twin debacle. He wants to dance and ignores her pleas to talk. Oh god! Now Baker is back and it’s all stupid. They’re throwing ridiculous questions at him and scaring the crap out of him and he’s just realized there are two of them. I hate them both.
He is all “you’ve been playing me this whole time??” and leaves. Yes, of course this is how he sees it since they never told him what was going on. Idiots. Somehow neither of them saw this coming. Most likely because they’re both idiots. He’s not having it.
Preggo is now giving the Baker a pep-talk that she is always in the background while her sister has no problem shining. What’s been shown in the movie so far is that Baker is the confident one who shines, but whatever. Both sisters show up at Thanksgiving despite being pissed at each other and the Baker says mean things about how he never even liked “her” until he met the Baker (this is the kind of shit that hurts sisterly relationships, not explaining that you’re a twin to the guy you’re dating). The pie Baker brought gets knocked over and she’s all “I worked for hours on that!!” What kind of pie takes hours? Oh please. Their bossy grandma comes out and cancels Thanksgiving and kicks them out. This grandma is like a Tyler Perry old lady- bossy and nonsensical and not funny.
Mr. Wonderful is at his house all “I can’t believe I couldn’t tell them apart,” and I’m like “tell me about it.”
Ms. Lawyer is made partner at a stupid meeting full of people we’ve never seen before and her doting Paralegal. Clap clap clap. No one cares.
Paralegal comes to her office to congratulate her one on one. She still doesn’t get it because she is blind.
He decides to just up the ante and put his hand on hers and call her beautiful and go in for a kiss, right there in the office (that’s not weird, right?). SHE JUST GOT IT! She’s all “ummm… I don’t think this is a good idea.” I have to assume because she’s HIS BOSS. He’s all “why? I want this.” Lordy. They work in a fancy law office, there have to be rules about this. He’s all “whatever, from now on we’ll keep our work relationship strictly professional” with a huff, and huffs off. I assume this means going back to when he was pretending to be her online and finding her dates- that sort of level of professionalism. Eye roll.
The stupid baking competition that I had already forgotten about is happening now. Will it shock you to hear that Preggo goes into labor during the taping? No? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Oh god, Ms. Lawyer walks in and interrupts the taping… because she is one of the most selfish people in the world (next to everyone else in her family). Hate hate hate. They RESTART this televised baking competition to accommodate these girls. Shit like that will only make them continue to think that they’re the center of the universe. The lawyer who can’t cook is now the baking assistant.
They make the ugliest cake ever, with fondant versions of their grandparents on top. So so ugly. They award the prizes for the cakes without tasting any of them… was this a cake decorating competition and not a baking competition? The winning cakes are ugly as shit so I hope not.
Boring apologies. These two ladies are the worst, why would they think a studio cares about their personal problems?
Lawyer goes back to the office … Mr. Wonderful skulks around and finds the Lawyer? Baker? I don’t know, waiting for him on his back patio (in not-New York City where people have yards and patios).
Now everyone is back at the tv studio? I don’t know. Nothing makes sense. The Baker sees Ms. Lawyer with Mr. Wonderful and gets super jealous and runs out of the place in a tantrum, as you do. It all gets cleared up (Ms. Lawyer got him to come see her sister… doh!) and they live happily ever after, I can only assume.
Ms. Lawyer walks into a meeting with the Paralegal and a bunch of those lawyers we’ll never meet and hands him a legal brief and he’s all “I’ll look at it later” and coldly dismisses her. Is this the kind of professionalism he was referring to before? She also finds out that he’s handed in his resignation but didn’t tell her. What she brought him is actually a proposal for how he can start his own vintage car restoration business… she interrupted a work meeting for this? This must be the best law firm ever.
We now find out that this dude is the only guy to ever see the inside of her apartment. Holy crap, she’s insane. She went out with Mr. Wonderful for a month and he never saw her apartment! What a weirdo. I am not a big dating type but many guys have seen the inside of my apartment. You know why? Because I’m not a crazy weirdo. I also have these things people call “friends.”
They all get married along with the grandma in one huge ceremony. I wonder if the grandma bossed them into doing do that as well. Also, wouldn’t three weddings make this a TRIPLE WEDDING? Whatever. The end!
Is now a good time to mention that one of the twins is like 2 or 3 inches taller than the other one?