Lying to be Perfect.

Live-Blogging Lifetime Movies! This week brings us “Lying to be Perfect,” a new one that I’ve never heard of and know nothing about.

lying to be perfect.

This movie appears to be about a lady who is a little overweight… but who is dealing with that? I am not sure yet. The whole opening is her getting dressed and trying to smooth down her stomach. It looks like they just put padding all over a non-fat woman though, which I really hope they did not do (over the boobs it looks particularly unreal).

oh my god, she's wearing a fatsuit!

Then she looks longingly at a wedding dress in a window. After she feeds her cat. I’m not kidding, this is the cliché they’re painting here.

oh yeah, she's got a cat.lonely women trifecta is complete!

She’s late to the office because her totally awesome vintage Mustang broke down. No worries though! Some cute guy helps her with it outside but she can’t get her flirt on because she’s late and goes running frantically inside. This lady has terrible hair but awesome shoes.

They pass a plate of donuts around the meeting and of course this lady is so fat and sloppy that she can’t help but shove a powdered one into her face, getting donut all over herself, just as a skinny asshole calls her out for being late and unprepared. Skinny will be writing an intro to a book that Nola thought she was doing… she is all “why?” but Skinny just looks down on her (presumably for her fatness AND her ineptitude) and then tells her to clean herself up because she got donut powder all over her shirt (that’s embarrassing for people of any weight).

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Hilariously, there is one other non-skinny lady in the meeting who just has a look of complete dismay throughout. I love her. It’s as though they told her that her child was just struck by a car before filming the scene and not that it’s just a regular old editor meeting.

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Skinny tells Nola that she needs all this author info so that she can write the forward- “Look at you, no offense, but you’re a sugar encrusted nobody.” Apparently this means you’re unable to write a forward in a BOOK. I thought writing was actually something ugly and/or fat people could do? Not anymore, apparently. Nola stammers her way through every meeting, letting everyone walk all over her, which is probably far more harmful to her career than her weight.

Someone at work tells her she can get a ride home with some computer guy named Chip who lives near her and she goes outside to see the cute guy from before and makes nervous small talk with him as she’s getting in the car. He doesn’t seem to have any idea why she’s getting in his car but that doesn’t stop her. And with that, Hi-Jinx has begun! As they drive she tells him that her dead car was a present from her dad and that she drove it to Boston to see Coldplay (oh god, she thinks that is impressive) where she made out with some dude. They then talk about dream cars and she’s clearly some kind of gearhead but then says girls like her can’t drive cars like that… despite how she’s been driving a vintage Mustang forever. She also tells him that she has low self esteem (that’s an even dumber thing to say to a guy you’re flirting with than bragging about your wild night seeing Coldplay).

In the next scene we see that she’s unhinged. She’s writing an advice letter from her own point of view but then turns on a British accent and replies to it as though she’s another person. Okay.

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Now she’s telling someone at work that she wants to write an advice column and the girl is all “oh, you’re serious” as she dismisses her. She tells her “you’re just a big girl with a big dream” because she’s not attractive enough to put her face on a column. Wow. A column photo is a tiny photo of a face, it’s not a full body bikini shot. Wait, I think we’ve gone back in time because this fake author that Nola is clearly writing as is just now starting to be created (she’s using some magical program that makes it incredibly easy to just make a flawless fake photo with a few clicks)…. But now Skinny calls her all “Why won’t Belinda call me back?!?” So she already exists? Why was she just creating her? Is she really completely unhinged? What the eff? Nothing in this scene made any sense at all.

skinny.

Now a really confusing conference call is happening between Nola’s two personalities and Skinny. Nola is home in her pajamas while Skinny is still working at the office. We’re supposed to think that Nola is some kind of amazing go-getter who keeps being looked over at work because of her weight but scenes like this say otherwise… Sidenote- how is this bestselling writer being paid? We learn that her column alone has boosted the circulation of this company 50% but she’s not real. Who is cashing her checks in England? Oh yeah, Belinda, her other personality lives in England currently. Has Nola actually thought this through?

Nola and two friends (one of which is the distraught woman from her work meeting before) go to lunch and the guy won’t let them sit by the window so one asks if it’s because they’re “zaftig” and he’s all “you could always eat elsewhere” when they continue to be rude to him. I am a chubby person who is pro-fat people but this is nuts. Nothing this guy has said or done has implied that he’s being prejudiced against them. They, on the other hand have been non-stop rude to him. To make it worse, it looks like they’re three people wearing padding for the camera, who are not actually fat.

Fatsuit, Nola and Beige

We find out her two friends have husbands and one has kids but she’s sad that she can never take her family to the beach because of her fatness. Fatsuit (the one with the kids and also the most obvious fatsuit) is all “let’s become the women we know we are inside!” They make a pact to lose weight as a group. It should be very easy for them since they can just peel off their fat suits. They name it “The Cinderella Pact” and clink their glasses.

Now they’re at the gym but Fatsuit cries and can’t go in. Beige friend looks like she’s about a size 10 in her sweats… but we’re supposed to think she’s super obese still.

gym clothes.

You’re going to be shocked but the cute guy is here all “you work out here too?” while Nola stammers on with no charisma, which only makes him more interested (eye roll). They decide to hire a personal trainer for the three of them so they don’t have to face the skinnies at the gym (imagine the workout montages that follow).

I just looked this movie up online and they totally did cast skinny women and put them in fat suits!!! That is so offensive. Holy shit. I can’t believe they thought that would fly, particularly with the Lifetime audience. Shameful!

Belinda’s (Nola’s alter ego) agent calls to tell her that she has to make these public appearances for the book and she can’t keep putting it off. It’s in her contract! Oh my god, she signed a contract and didn’t read it. Yeah, there is no way she thought this through. Nola opts to keep putting it off.

Chip (formerly the cute guy) calls to see if she wants to have a drink since he’s in her neighborhood. It’s as though she’s never been on a date before, she flies into a panic despite having 30 minutes to get one block away from her apartment. I am thinking this lady’s personality is her problem and not her weight.

They have a cute date at some bar. Some gross bleached blonde comes out of the bathroom and he’s all “oh no’ and hides his face because it’s some ex. He kisses Nola to make Blondie jealous and then introduces her as his girlfriend. Blondie is all “you’re pathetic, you stopped calling me so you could date this fat lady?” WHO THE FUCK WOULD EVER SAY THAT? She then calls Nola fat AGAIN while her supposed boyfriend doesn’t say anything at all so Nola hits her in the face and leaves. HA!

He chases her outside and is all “sorry” but not because she was humiliated in public. She has to explain to him why that was shitty, which is ridiculous. She asks why he called her and he’s all “I feel really comfortable with you, so I was hoping we could be friends.” Ouch. At the end of this walk he asks her what she’s doing in 6 weeks because he’ll be working in LA until then and they make plans. So is it a date or are they making friend plans? He’s confusing.

In case you’ve never watched television before, she’s going to lose weight and look totally different when he comes back in six weeks and then it will be sweet when he loves her. Gag, gag, gag. Anytime that storyline is used in a movie I think “I hope she/he never gains weight again in their life because this person won’t like them anymore.”

The chubby friends are brunching and talking about how they can fit in their smaller jeans but Fatsuit is all “I’ve gained weight this month” and cries. She’s been working out every day with them… is that even possible? I mean, I know how getting results slowly sucks but if you work out every day for a month you should lose at least a pound, particularly if you’re 350 pounds and never worked out before.

Skinny is PISSED! The dates for all the Belinda stuff have been moved up and she’s not even returning calls. Skinny even called some other magazine she supposedly wrote for and it turned out she never worked there. Yeah, Nola didn’t think this through at all. This is ridiculous.

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(The costuming department on this movie bought a ton of scarves, ponchos, wide leg pants and huge tunics. It’s fat lady clichés as far as the eye can see.)

Nola runs into Beige’s office and asks her some convoluted question about music… but doesn’t just tell her that she’s Belinda. Beige talks her out of eating junk food and talks her into having more self-confidence. This actress playing Nola is so bad that some other accent creeps in all the time (the internet tells me this lady is Australian- why did they make her be American and English? Why not let one of them be Australian since she can’t act?).

Now they’ve jumped to a hospital, waiting while their friend gets a lap band (her husband doesn’t show up at the hospital). Beige reveals that as she loses weight she’s afraid of the sexual harassment that goes along with being thin, coming back. Oh PUHHHHHHLEASE. Sexual harassment is not something that only afflicts thin women. For every scene in this movie that is relatable, there are 10 that are totally offensive to overweight people.

Beige brings a yellow button up shirt over to Nola’s desk and is all “wear this on your date with Chip.” Cut to her in the yellow shirt, that is not particularly flattering in any way. Why was her friend so insistent on telling her this shirt would really show off her boobs?

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Chip is all “ooooh, you look great!” because he is picking up on how she’s lost some weight and is now better. Somehow her weight loss is making her hair better- it’s magic! Apparently she’s thin enough to keep food crumbs off her clothes now too. It’s weird how all those things go hand in hand (EYE ROLL). He’s borrowed a Porsche for her to test drive because she said she always wanted to drive one when they met. Is this dude really a tech support guy? What tech support guy is always jetting off and borrowing Porsches? They have another cute date, complete with croquet in the park. This time no one he’s dated before calls her fat, so that’s a plus. Weirdly, he asks what it’s like to work for Belinda.

At the end of the date he asks what she’s doing in August (he’s in town every six weeks) and they make plans for then because he wants to take her on a real date. At least he made that clear this time. Most likely because she lost weight and got better hair- note that, ladies!

Skinny is all “where is Belinda?!!?” again as though the last scene where she asked this never happened. Nola is all “she doesn’t want to be a part of the book.” Ohhhh, Nola, you are dumb. Skinny informs her that since the book has already been written, edited and designed, it’s too late for that.

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Nola stomps out of her office, in an incredibly ugly tunic (seen above), and some hippy dude walks up and is all “you’re obviously the food lady, can I leave these with you?” and offers her some boxes of granola bars or something and she goes into a tirade about how not all women are skinny so just because she’s fat he shouldn’t assume she’s the food lady etc… but he only thought she was the food lady because she’s standing behind a desk that says it belongs to the food critic. Doh. The whole office heard her incredibly stupid rant so she just decides to leave for the day. Yet another scene showcasing how bad she is at her job and how she’s never working.

shopping.

To the script’s credit, they have lost a lot of weight and are now size 14s, and are happy about that despite how that’s still huge by Hollywood standards. Though I don’t really buy that Nola is a 14….

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Chip is back in town and they’re on their next date. He’s all “you look great!” and totally points out that she used to be wayyy fatter. WHAT? They act like that’s charming. He immediately starts kissing her because this is how guys react to thin women, you know.

WEIRD TWIST! Beige calls her and tells her Chip from work is fixing her computer right now and is NOT the guy she’s dating. WHAT?! Nola confronts him. He’s named Alex and his dad owns the publishing house she works at (HA! Called it!). He liked her and she called him Chip so he went with it so she wouldn’t know that his dad is a big-shot. He’s all I’m in a new phase and she goes “a fat girl phase?” and he says “a being a better person phase.” You’re a better person when you’re willing to date someone a little bit overweight! Her weight has been brought up on every date as though that’s totally normal. At least this sheds some light on why he asked about Belinda on their last date.

She’s pissed (rightfully so) and asks him to leave. Next scene is her eating a donut (rage eating!) and googling this dude, finding him on a socialite website with women draped all over him.

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Skinny brings her Belinda’s book contract; she wants proof that this lady exists and Nola is all “JEEEZ GET OFF MY BACK!” which is totally how bosses love to be talked to. Nola very professionally just walks out of work again.

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She goes to the track and meets Beige and somehow she’s lost like 40 more pounds but Beige is the size she was when they started working out (probably a 10). Nola tells her that Chip is really Alex and technically publishing the Belinda book. In other news, Nola is Belinda! Beige is all “ummmm, you didn’t think this through” which is abundantly clear to everyone. Nola wants to tell Skinny and tell her that she shouldn’t have judged her on the size of her jeans but on her talent. Beige, being an actual professional, is all “do you know what kind of crapstorm this will rain down on me?” since she’s the lawyer. At least one person is concerned about her job… Through this entire scene, Nola is Australian.

Fatsuit is at a bar with some handsome sharky guy, about to cheat on her husband. It turns out that now that she’s thin she thinks she’s too good for her husband. How charming! Wait, now she tearfully says she only married her husband because she was scared no one else would ever want her- they don’t actually like each other. Holy crap, that is sad. Fatsuit is let in on the Belinda secret. FATSUIT IS PISSED OFF! She and Beige can’t believe their friend just lied to their faces for seven months, so they leave.

Chip/Alex is leaving her more messages while she wanders around, ignoring him. Nola has a thought and calls someone; it appears she has a PLAN. So far, her plans have not been good so I am less than enthusiastic. I assume she plans to get a makeover and show up and do a bad English accent and win everyone over and then reveal that she’s just boring old Nola and Skinny will be all “I really learned a lesson.” Commercial.

drunk.

Nola arrives to meet her agent and reveals that she’s Belinda. The lady is all “but you’re not British or stylish.” HA! Her weight isn’t even mentioned! She walks in wearing a huge sweater down to her knees and baggy jeans. She couldn’t have cleaned up for this meeting? They get drunk and discuss what an amazing talent she has for writing (okay). The agent is better at coming up with ideas that Nola has ever been and tells her to just get a makeover and show up as Belinda (because the “plan” she thought of in the previous scene was just to meet the agent and tell her that she’s Belinda and hope that she has an actual plan). Clearly, the agent has seen a Lifetime movie before!

Chip/Alex walks in and sees her all wasted and brings up her weight again. Is this something that’s okay? He’s all “looks like you’ve lost some more weight so you can afford to eat dinner with me.” I would not date anyone who said anything like that no matter how much I weighed. Gross. She goes off with him, thoroughly charmed. They make out instead of eating. Cut to them doing it in what must be his hotel room. She actually stops him from taking her shirt off to warn him that she’s fat, which he might not understand since he’s never seen a fat person before but he’s all “you’re beautiful” and keeps going because she’s like a size 6/8 now. Post-coital she tries to tell him that she’s Belinda but he tells her he’s falling for her and they do it again instead (better choice). He leaves town again. He clearly lives in a hotel room and sees her every 2 months… that could be a much bigger problem in the relationship than her weight but it’s never brought up.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAH we’re supposed to believe that Belinda has received like 5000 fan letters in 7 months. The agent sent them over because she knows this will guilt Nola to do the appearance. She sits in the basement and reads them all day instead of doing her job.

The “wedding” dress she was looking at at the beginning turns out to be her dream dress she was going to buy if she got thin enough (is anyone going to tell her it’s a wedding dress?) but it’s gone now. Nola is freaking out because she’s being torn in so many different directions and doesn’t know what to tell people about Belinda. If only she didn’t create a whole separate personality for herself, she wouldn’t be in this mess.

Beige sees some lawyer we’ve never seen before, grabbing the ass of a young girl in a dress and she goes running out there to tell him that she got fat just to keep him at bay but now that she’s seeing him harass a girl who just graduated law school, she’s not taking it anymore. He’s all “you’re fired.” She’s all “no, I’m charging you with sexual harassment” and he looks totally shocked. You’d think a lawyer would have seen that coming. Since she’s lost weight she’s gained the strength to stand up for herself! (Most of the women in my family are overweight AND super bossy and self-confident so I have no idea what mousey fat girl stereotype this movie is working with.)

Beige and Nola go back to the restaurant from before and ask for the table by the window and ask him if he remembers them. He’s all “no.” They remind him that they were fat then and he’s all “you all lost weight because of that and I’m the one with the problem?” HA!!! He tells them the window table is taken and they notice three fat people sitting at it because he’s not prejudiced, it really was not available before. Doh! They’re idiots! And they finally kind of realize it!

Nola has the exact same breakdown she had before about the Belinda shit but this time she’s Australian and even more annoying.

Her friends get a makeover going and it turns out they bought her the white dress she covets and these silver sparkly Louboutin heels she loved. She will look like a bride, mark my words.

makeover hubub.

Exciting! Look at this crazy makeover montage of people doting over her!

Oops, wait a second. The wide shot shows what the magic of mirrors can do.

the wide shot shows there is no hubub.

Yup, she looks like a bride:
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The press swarms her right after she enters. Chip/Alex is trying to find Nola or see Belinda but he can’t find either of them. Skinny introduces her and then immediately realizes it’s Nola but the lawyer moves her along and apparently that works.

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She starts talking at the podium, but remember Nola is a terrible talker who stammers and sucks. She just immediately breaks down and tells the audience about her lie and how being fat controlled her life and kept her from succeeding. Embarrassing. She’s basically crying in front of a press conference and telling them about her weight issues.

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Chip/Alex looks perplexed.

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I’m not sure what emotion we’re supposed to think he’s feeling. I guess he’s pissed because he walks out at the end of her crying speech. Skinny rolls her eyes throughout her speech. She has had a permanent bitchface on throughout the movie- because that is what skinny women are like. It’s funny because after all of that no one seems to care at all that she was Belinda and she just leaves at the end of the party and no one fires her or says anything. That means like 12 scenes have zero payoff!

Nola/Belinda leaves and her car is being towed, she can’t stop the tow truck and loses her shoe in the process of running down the stairs. Chip/Alex picks up her shoe and brings it to her, really laying on the Cinderella storyline (I guess he wasn’t pissed before, just tired of listening to her embarrassing speech). Just to pour it on incredibly thick, the clock then strikes midnight. Alex wraps up the storyline by asking Nola if she loves him while putting her shoe on. The end.

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It’s just that easy, ladies. Believing in yourself is the answer! But only if yourself is thin and gets a makeover! Oh wait, and now Nola has written her own best seller based on “the Cinderella Pact.” With that, it’s really over. It’s as though this whole movie was written by Tyra Banks after she wore a fatsuit for one episode of her show and then thought she knew what it was like to be overweight and freaked out on all men who talked to her that week. Truly terrible.

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3 thoughts on “Lying to be Perfect.

  1. you really are an awfull person to write this crap about this movie… u are not a critic worth a shit my terrible grammar will suit this crappy website and article of a really great movie…. so sad for you to hate yourself that much to crap on a movie that is supposed to and as far as im concerned “delivered” that message… so go to an independant film festival and talk like u did here… u may get lynched and i hope so…. your blong was pathetic dont worry about emailing me back its a spam mailbox i have no interest in your respsonse for youre twiddledee brain couldnt handle the hammer i would deliver u to…good day and dont forget mcdonalds is hiring for sad self proclaimed intellects like u…gawd u make me sick

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