Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?

Mother, May I Sleep with Danger!!!

A TRUE CLASSIC! And perhaps the best title in movie history. Prepare yourself for the most epic entry in this project. It’s both very long AND very full of photos (and even a video this time) because this movie is so amazing that it deserves the royal treatment. Okay, here goes…

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It starts very artfully with blurry tree branches, slow moving frames and some kind of sultry rock. This blonde girl who appears to be wearing a wig and some daisy dukes (a perfect combo) jumps out of the back of a jeep and then gives this buttface a kiss and trots off inside.

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We see the hands of someone waiting in another car… could this be Danger himself??

She goes inside and undresses while she talks to her friend on the phone about how dreamy this dude who dropped her off is (if you’re into buttfaces…) and that she has to cut the dude she’s been seeing loose tonight on their date and then puts on a black button up shirt like it’s a robe. She has already packed up his photos so I guess she made that decision a while ago? She also mentions that this was her first time hanging out with this group of people who dropped her off … but she’s already kissing the dude in front of everyone? This girl has sass!

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Doorbell. Danger is there all “I wanted to pick you up” when she bitchfaces “I thought we were meeting there?” He’s so getting dumped; why not just do it now, Blondie? Oh, but he brought her a teddy bear with a ring in it. She clearly likes getting fancy presents.

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They start making out and he wants to do it right there in the entryway to her parent’s house. She’s not an insane person and reminds him that her parents could walk in at any time so he runs upstairs to her room. She tells him several times that she just wants to get dressed and leave (Hint! She’s not going to have sex with you!) but he doesn’t get it. Danger is pretty pissed when he sees all of his “photos and poems” in boxes in her room. Ummmm, how many poems do you write someone for them to fill boxes? I shudder at the thought. Unfortunately for everyone, they never show us any poems. She says she’s going to paint her room and her dad made her clean off the walls.

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He seems placated but then throws her on the bed and tells her she’s a terrible liar. She kicks him in the stomach and tells him to get the hell out of her house.

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They run downstairs with him yelling that if maybe he looked more like Buttface and drove a “four by” (seriously, that’s what he says) that she’d want to sleep with him. She plays it off like he hasn’t pinpointed exactly how she feels.

Him: If you don’t love me, why did you make love to me?
Her: You’re the one who made it into this big thing.

Hahahahahaha! Firstly, anyone who uses the term “make love” seriously is a gross person and secondly, sexing him really unleashed his inner crazy. He smashes a plate against the counter and screams at her to shut up. She calls him an idiot and tells him to get out before she calls the police.

laughing.
not laughing.

Him: DON’T YOU EVER CALL ME AN IDIOT!!!

killing.

Then he beats her to death with what appears to be a cutting board. Well, I guess she will never be able to call him an idiot again.

clean up.
blanket.

He daintily cleans up the mess he made, packs up some of her clothes upstairs and then wraps her body in a blanket and puts it in his trunk. Uh oh, I think someone’s done this before. He pauses to drink a little energy cola as he drives out of her driveway.

soda time.

That about sums that up- I doubt he left any evidence behind (that is a common thread in Lifetime movies… a terrible crime is committed and no one is even on the case…).

And that’s how you start a movie, y’all! How many minutes do you think have passed… FIVE. That’s right, Martin Scorcese, you’ve got competition!

mother, may i sleep with danger?

Now we’re on a very picturesque college campus where Tori Spelling is being asked questions about the modern day feminist movement. We’re supposed to believe that she’s wicked smart and understands Henry James more than her professor because she points out that he killed off his independent female character (foreshadowing??). Also, yes, you heard me. This movie has a “modern day feminist movement” scene.

Tori Spelling runs like crazy through the campus (will this also come in handy later?) and some dude stops her to tell her that his band is playing at “the Wild Coyote” on Saturday night and she says that though “the team” hasn’t posted the list she thinks she’ll be making the team and then have to go away to a meet that day.

puppy dog.

He’s all “Sunday then?” and she says she’s sworn off guys in bands. Jeez dude, take a hint. He kind of says that he’s not really in a band (oh god, shut up) and she’s all “sorry, I’m kind of seeing someone!” and runs off.

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At practice the coach pulls her aside to discuss… her eating disorder. Wahhh, wahhh wahhhh. She cries “did my mom put you up to this?!” and freaks out and quits and just leaves practice even though the coach hadn’t gotten to the part about who made the team yet.

Next scene Tori Spelling is doing laundry in what appears to be a dorm laundry room- so I have to assume that she called her mom and told her to get over to her dorm immediately so that she could yell at her? My mom would never show up for this meeting. Her mom tells her that she has a double major and has to study for “china” (what could that mean?) and now she’s running, she takes on too much. Tori is all “it’s called LIFE, mom.”

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They make a deal that mom will get off her case if she’s taking care of herself. Tori even has some good news! She’s got a boyfriend and she really thinks her mom will like him. Mom can’t wait to meet him.

short!
(^^^^^that is a terrible photo but I wanted everyone to see the tiny dress Tori has worn to her mom’s^^^^^)

I guess her mom lives really close to school because her mom is setting up for dinner soon after. Jokes fly about how her mom ordered food and doesn’t know how to cook. Apparently raising Tori was so overwhelming that she couldn’t learn to cook as well. What kind of terror was this girl? They laugh and mom asks where the guy is. He’s downstairs picking up flowers- mom jokes that no one else she’s dated has ever brought her anything. Tori shows off the ring he gave her and her mom is super impressed and not rolling her eyes the way that I am when she shows it off. The guy shows up with flowers and you’ll never believe this, IT’S THE MURDERER FROM BEFORE!

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After the commercial they are sitting at the table not speaking… what a fun dinner. We learn that he rides a motorcycle and that her mom lives two hours away from campus. He’s in medical school. The mom is bitchy and says “I hope you don’t become one of those overpriced specialists” and he says that he wants to use his powers for good and mentions that his dad is one the board for something called “CareShare” and mom is all “my friend is on the board there, it’s a great program!” and the music gets so sinister. It’s all “screeeeeeeech, dun dun dun!!” so we know that his dad is not on the board there and that he may in fact not even be in medical school. Maybe he’s actually in…wait for it… murdering school? ? He plays it off though, despite the music continuing.

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Then he says that he has told Tori that she should use her language background to become a journalist so they can travel around working together and never be apart. As an adult, if some guy said that to my dad he’d be all “who is this controlling asshole??” but if some guy had said this when I was a TEENAGER he would never have ever been invited back. In this case mom is all “aren’t you getting a little bit ahead of yourself?” That’s putting it mildly. I think he’s actually just a controlling creep, at any stage of the relationship. He doesn’t think he is. He says they’re “serious.”

A quick scene (shot through blurry curtains) where the mom asks Tori if she’s banging this guy and she says that it’s her business and the mom tells her to be careful. This is good advice because of his wont to murder those who unleash his crazy through their vaginas and also in the classic, safe sex, way. What an awkward conversation to have with your mom.

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They’re out walking and he’s all groping her and telling her “I love you so much” while she says “not here” and that she’s going to be late to class. They slowly saunter on, discussing her deadbeat dad and how he barely knew his parents and then they died or something (isn’t she going to be late??). She “jokes” that now that she has him he’ll protect her from everything, then kisses him and trots off to class.

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Montage of her day seen from the POV of his stalking eyes. He seems to just be watching her from standing out in the open so I’m not sure why she can’t see him but she can’t. Just trust it.

Tori Spelling runs through dark, sinister streets alone while the screeching music plays making it seem like she’s about to be axe murdered. As she unlocks the door to her dorm, Danger runs up and scares the shit out of her. She’s all “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU??” He says that he called earlier and she never called back and she’s all “I was running.” Him: “FOR TWO HOURS?!” Calm yourself, Danger.

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She reminds him that this is a female dorm and he’s not supposed to be there and then says they’ll do something fun on Saturday and goes inside, clearly spooked by his sudden turn toward the crazy.

He runs in and grabs her in front of her roommates and says “SATURDAY?! That’s four days from now!” And she agrees but doesn’t see the problem. Two roomies were just coming out of the shower and run the hell away from this crazy man. He tells her that he has a future for them carved out and she doesn’t get it. She’s all “you’re moving pretty quickly” and he says “I don’t think you even like me!” and she has to say that she doesn’t know why she thinks that. He storms out in a crazy huff. Her roomies ask if he’s gone and come back out while she apologizes and then weeps in her bed (while three people are steps away, ignoring it). What an independent lady you’ve become, Tori.

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Next scene! It’s a scene we can all relate to. Campus Jazzercize!

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A delivery lady on a bicycle brings a huge thing of roses and delivers them mid-jazzercize. Tori is so touched by this.

She goes to his apartment (where he’s totally asleep at midday, yeah, he’s not a med student I’d wager) and says that the flowers “really touched ” and then says that when her dad was fighting with her and her mom he’d send flowers but then there were more fights than flowers and then he was gone. Danger: “With me, the flowers will never stop.” Ummmmm, you should say that you won’t fight all the time and be crazy. You missed the entire point! So did she though because even that comment revs her engine a bit and she walks up to him and says “I wanna get closer” and he repeats that he loves her. The sexxing, it is on.

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After the commercial break we see Buttface from the beginning, cruising into town in his jeep and calling some place called the “motor inn” to get a room. Danger, in his apartment, is calling Tori’s phone and checking her messages because that’s the kind of creepoid he is. Tori’s mom has left her a message saying that she has someone to set her up with if things with this “motorcycle man” didn’t work out. He is displeased.

Next scene! They’re having a romantic picnic in front of a greenscreen. The lights must be hot today because he’s really laying the baby oil on thick.

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He tells her that he’s just “trying to keep “ body perfect.” She laughs that her body is far from perfect. He gets a really serious face and says that she’s so close to perfect (not creepy at all) and then asks “have you ever thought about being a blonde?” She laughs it off but then says it would give her mom a “conniption.” Danger is all “your mom is totally jealous of you.” Tori argues that he’s wrong and he claims that if she goes blonde he’ll be able to prove it to her. She immediately calls her mom and tells her she and Danger will be coming over for dinner and that she has a surprise for her, all giddy, so I guess she thinks this trap is not mean or weird?

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They show up for dinner and she’s got the blonde “haircut” that the girl in the beginning had. Her mom is all “concerned face” but smiles and lets them in. END SCENE.

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Now she’s at some bar/club where a friend of hers is telling her that Danger is pretty controlling and weird and Tori is all “he’s just not afraid to show me he loves me.” Friend is dubious and asks why he never wants to hang out with her friends- Tori “you know, Pre-med…” as though all people who become doctors are anti-social, crazy and controlling.

The guy in the band that she rejected like 10 times in one conversation rides his scooter up, comes inside and says hi to her and the friend. Camera shows us that some crazy person is trashing his scooter outside. Who could it be?? The guy KEEPS trying to flirt with Tori Spelling who immediately gets up and leaves. Please take a hint, dude.

exposition cop.

Buttface gets pulled over by a cop and this scene is a really cheap way to get what’s going on with him. He’s been working in Alaska but he’s back now and getting his affairs in order so he can enroll in this college. That definitely explains why he was going 60 in a 40. Thanks for the exposition, officer!

Meanwhile, Danger has been called in by a dean to learn that some other guy with his name has applied. It’s really especially weird because this other guy even submitted the same exact high school transcript. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?! He sweet-talks the admissions lady and tells her that this was his application for a supplemental scholarship and it must have ended up in her office by mistake. She’s thoroughly seduced and just giggles and passes it off. What’s a little identity theft when you’re handsome? Even though he won this time I have to imagine he’s panicking on the inside and has to get out of town now (it’s weird that I’ve seen this movie twice and yet don’t remember any of these details. I saw it the first time when it aired originally; Sarah and I watched it as a movie of a week in her bedroom. The second time was after Mike and I broke up and I was staying with Johnny- he dvred it because he thought it seemed like something I would love. He was right!)

Tori sees her mom and tells her that she’s going to Guatemala for some reason that no doubt relates to Danger and her mom is all “what about China??” so I guess China was her real dream? Some fellowship there? Tori- “Kevin was right, what’s the point in studying languages when people are incapable of real communication.” God, murderers are so deep. Mom is not happy.

Mom finds her friend who’s on the board of “CareShare” and tells him about her daughter’s creepy relationship and that his dad was on the board… shocking news! The guy has never heard of this person and it’s impossible. Mom has a concerned face on, y’all.

concerned face.

Danger is on the phone with someone explaining his stolen gold card and trying to sweet talk them via phone. We see his paperwork that he has on Buttface in order to complete his identity theft (it’s a very bare family tree).

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He gets the Amex people to give him a history of the charges made recently based on all the info he’s amassed on Buttface. He finds out that he’s in Seattle now and that he’s in the Motor Inn. He sounds shocked when the Amex lady tells him this- way to play it cool, Danger. You do realize that she thinks YOU’RE him, right? Why would you be shocked to find out that you’re in Seattle right now? God, you’re the worst criminal ever.

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He goes and finds Buttface at the Motor Inn and he barely remembers him and then makes a dig that he never thought Danger was “on the college track.” I guess he quickly gets over it because he asks him to help him get his stuff out of the Jeep and into the hotel room. Inside the hotel room is such a sad sight- Danger is trying to pretend like he was popular and ever friends with Buttface back in High School all “the man is back!” We also learn that Buttface’s parents really did die.

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Buttface is all “I gotta shower” and just undresses and gets in the shower while Danger is in his room. Not only that but Danger then stands in the bathroom and talks to him while he’s showering. Is this normal, male friends?

The sinister music is in full effect so his murdering arm is most likely warming up. Buttface asks him whatever happened to that blonde girl from high school and tries to embark on dude talk about banging her but Danger is not having it. He’s all “I have no idea where she is!” I find it hard to believe that Buttface never heard about the hot girl he liked disappearing and then being found murdered, but whatever. Buttface tells Danger to hand him his shampoo but Danger murders the shit out of him instead.

murdering.
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Tori Spelling is working some catering thing for old folks with her mom and saying she “misses Kevin.” SHE IS TWO HOURS AWAY. Holy crap, get a life. Her mom broaches the subject of him being creepy and also a liar but Tori gets all indignant about her mom snooping and storms off instead of listening.

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Danger is burying Buttface by the light of a campfire, which is sure to alert people to your location. Not Danger though! No way! No one ever figures out his really messy murders covered in his fingerprints. He’s a slippery devil.

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The phone rings at Tori’s job and whattayaknow! It’s Danger. He misses her and he’s not even done covering up this crime. She tells him she loves him, for what I assume is the first time since it’s the first time it’s happened on camera. He says that he loves her too and that he has a surprise for her just as he pushes Buttface’s Jeep into a lake. They hang up and Tori weirdly fingers the ring he gave her while whispering to herself that she loves him. By the lake, Danger has hung up the phone and now throws it in the lake because it was BUTTFACE’S CELL PHONE. So now, in addition to not using gloves, he’s making personal calls on evidence. When DNA evidence became admissible and cheaper to procure, everything really did change. Those devil-may-care days of murder before 1996 are things of the past.

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Danger has now found an isolated cabin for them to live in. Awwww, so romantic. Just what every college student is looking for- total isolation from the world. She points out that it’s pretty far from everything. He says that’s the whole point (the better to murder you, my dear). It’s really small inside but a very cute cabin for summer weekends or something. If I had to live there with a boyfriend I’d kill him within a week, tops and I’m not even a murderer already.

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She says that she feels like he’s pushing and he goes nuts and says that nothing is ever good enough for her. She talks him down from the crazy ledge and says that she’s just figuring out who she is so she’s not ready for things like this.

Him: You don’t want me to climb a tower with a gun, do you?
Her: No (giggles) I wouldn’t want you to do that (sex kitten voice)
Him: You can go home anytime you want (serial killer voice)
Her: I’m just too cautious… (giggles)

What the? I guess that’s their foreplay talk because they start doing it on the cabin floor while her mom calls her and finds that her number is no longer in service.

romantic.

Tori Spelling arrives at the murder cabin and Danger isn’t done making his romantic dinner so he gets all flummoxed and panicky that she’s early. She asks if the phone people came today and he says yeah but that something is still wrong so it will be a few more days before the phone gets fixed (I don’t think he ever called the phone company, you guys). She says she doesn’t like living this far out without a phone and he somehow cuts himself and then FREAKS and smashes a bunch of shit.

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Tori Spelling just gives all the faces you’d make if you were in a terrible relationship. END SCENE.

Tori’s mom has headed to school to find her daughter but she finds Danger instead and follows him a bit. She asks him where her daughter is and he feigns ignorance and is all “whatever your relationship to is, I don’t want any part of that.”

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Mom is all “I don’t believe anything about you” and straight up calls him on his lies. He’s all “you’re not the one she listens to anymore.” Ugh, so creepy. He then puts on his motorcycle helmet, which covers his mouth, and says that they are in love and would rather die than have someone come between them. Hey! Speak for yourself, Danger. Mom is concerned to say the least.

Danger and Tori relax by the fire and he says that she hasn’t touched her food. He manipulates and says that her mom called him a few weeks ago to tell him about her eating disorder.

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Tori is pissed, as he knew she’d be, and wants to tell her mom off. He stops her and tells her that no one is running her life again (other than him, obvs) and they start to creepily do it in front of the fire as wine spills all over the floor. Every sex scene in this movie starts in the weirdest way.

friend.

Tori’s mom finds her friend (the one who told her that she has a controlling boyfriend) and asks if she saw her in class today and the friend says she just didn’t show up. Also, one day she got back to the dorm and Tori’s stuff was just gone and there was no forwarding information. Wouldn’t you tell your RA about that?? Some friend you are, dark haired girl.

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Tori Spelling’s car has broken down and now that she has no phone and lives in the middle of nowhere this is very inconvenient. She somehow gets a hold of that guy who has the crush on her and they come scooting into campus with her ADRing that she can’t keep missing her labs.

scandalous.

She goes to a payphone to call the phone company and ask why their phone still hasn’t been installed (I read something once about how Hitchcock’s films would not be tense or scary in the modern age like 99% of the time because of cell phones and internet and GPS and the same is true for movies of the week apparently) and… I knew it! He never even called the phone company to have the phone installed. Oh, and does it go without saying that he’s spying on this scene from just a little bit across the way with his big angry face on?

scandalized.
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Somehow, out of every creepy ass thing he’s done, THIS is the thing that makes her realize that he’s controlling and crazy. She even realizes that he most likely tampered with her car. She is all “he just wants to keep me prisoner!” and then gets on the back of the scooter again and scoots off with her puppy dog crush.

Okay, the end of the scene is hilarious. Danger, seeing her getting on the scooter is in A RAGE and starts running at top speed toward them and goes completely out of his way to hit people and knock people down who were not in his path. He even throws an arm out to knock a guy’s books all over the place. It will be difficult to show in photos but I will try.

hilarious.
why is he running in a large arc?
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bam.
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He just stops running when he realizes that he has no hope of catching them and somehow none of the people that he just mowed over come and beat the shit out of him.

Mama Spelling finds Danger’s apartment and there is nothing fishy there… until!

hmmm, troubling.
evidence.

She leaves and there is a garbage can right outside his apartment door (inside the building, that’s strange) that is full of papers and photos of the Blondie he murdered. God, this guy is bad at crime.

Mom flies to Denver to talk to the police about this blonde girl she saw the picture of (because we’ve gone so far back in time that police stations don’t have phones I guess?) and the detective is all “Kevin Shane was never in any trouble” because, as we know, this dude ain’t Kevin Shane. Mom says that her daughter looks just like this girl (if you just mean in the hair, then yes). The detective asks if mom has ever heard of Billy so-and-so because she always thought it was him and mom says no. How did the detective NOT catch Billy??

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Mom says she’s flying back to Seattle but tells the detective to “call her collect” with anything she finds. God, it’s crazy to think about how much has changed in 14 years.

Mom gets home to find that the detective has faxed her Kevin Shane’s record. Can you just do that? Request the record and a copy of the license of someone you suspect of committing a crime? I doubt that. Anywho, it’s all just a very long way to get to the point that this dude is not Kevin Shane. Dun dunnn dunnnnnn. Also! I get that mom just flew to Colorado to catch this guy so she obviously cares but why didn’t she first follow Danger to his secluded cabin and get her daughter out of there first??

Oooh, this commercial just informed me that for the first time ever Lifetime is putting out dvds of their movies.

Mama Spelling calls the detective and asks for a photo of Billy to be faxed to her. Is she working for the police?

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Tori Spelling is an idiot and has gone back to their SECLUDED cabin with no phone to pack up her dishes. Just leave them, girrrrrl. Go to Ikea and get some cheapies, it’ll be worth it I swear. Danger drives up and she starts hastily packing her many many dishes.

honey, i'm home.

He runs in and happily asks if she knows her car is running and she informs him that she’s afraid to turn it off now that the autoclub told her a “wire is missing.” She knows he did it! And that he never called the phone company! He’s all “someone must have made a mistake” but luckily she’s not buying it this time and keeps packing up. She tells him that her friends have seen him spying on her. I KNEW SOMEONE HAD TO SEE THAT! He says her friends just want to keep them apart, like he’s been telling her all along. Danger, you’re not really helping yourself. Then he accuses her of cheating on him. Sighhhh.

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Him: I know I’m obsessive but I wouldn’t be like this if I didn’t love you so much (nearly crying)
Her: No, this is not love, not a normal love, I don’t know what this is (pissed)
Him: Listen, listen I know you love me. We need to just step back and relax, I know you love me (faux calm)
Her: KEVIN PLEASE!! (screaming)

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He says he’s going to help her with her stuff (by that he means murder her) and she kicks the shit out of him and runs to her car and drives away while he begs her to let him make dinner reservations so they can go out to a nice dinner. Ugh, he’s so insane.

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Somehow, instead of going to the police, Tori goes partying at some club with her friends after all that.

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Crush boy goes to pee and creepy Danger runs in and tells him to stay away from his girl and then beats the little dude up for no reason. Danger goes back in and asks Tori to give him one more chance and she stupidly tells him that she’ll agree to talking to him outside. They go outside and he tells her that he doesn’t have a life unless she’s in it and she hilariously replies that she has a life without him in it.

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They turn a corner and some guy barely brushes past him so he KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF ALL OF THEM while she runs the hell away.

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How is this guy so strong? He’s like the hulk but just in a dude’s body. He just easily beat up a group of five largish men.

Uh oh, looks like Blondie’s body has been found back in Colorado. How did this idiot bury a body that no one could find for two years?

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Tori Spelling goes back to the cabin AGAIN for her stupid dishes. Learn a lesson, Tori! Of course, she walks outside with her one box and Danger is there on the hood of her car all “welcome home.” She says she just came for her things and he says that he knows now that he needs mental help. She agrees.

Him: I don’t know how I’m gonna get over this; it’s gonna take the kind of time that breaks mountains down
Her: (silence)

She again tells him that she’s leaving and he chases her down and bugs her more and then goes inside in a huff… He comes outside with no, not a gun, but a bottle of wine and a ball jar! He pops the cork and says that he would feel like less of a failure if they could end this as friends. Tori! You need to learn the lesson that sometimes it’s not about how HE feels. Drive away! Anyway, she takes the glass…

don't drink the water.

The next scene he is carrying her passed out body into the cabin. Sighhhhh…

drugged.

Him: you thought it was gonna be easy to get away from me (serial killer voice)
Her: (continues to be passed out)

Mom gets the photo of Billy and realizes that he is Danger. Mom tells the detective that he’s a killer and he has her daughter. Shouldn’t she be dealing with the local police on this? Can a cop in Colorado help her now? I don’t mean to brag but I watch a lot of Law and Order so I know how law enforcement works.

Tori Spelling is passed out in the car while he tries to fix (the thing he broke before) and takes her mom’s AAA card and walks away from the car. Oh, mom speaks to a local cop who has zero interest in her story. I guess that is cleared up now. Also, I hasten to point out that Tori has been “free” from him like 5 times in the last 20 minutes of this movie but didn’t go to her mom, the police, or just tell her friends what happened. What a dummy.

Danger has the AAA guy fix the car and he’s all “someone really did a number on this.” Yeah, tell him about it. He needs Tori’s mom to sign the thing but Danger acts like Tori is her and is very sick so the guy leaves like nothing is wrong after he peeks at her passed out body in the car. Mom seems to have driven over some tire spikes and called AAA and they’re all “someone just used this card” as though she is the scammer. She takes this clue and knows they’re on their way to HER CABIN. How would he know where her cabin is? God, this guy is creepy as shit. She bribes the AAA guy with a hundred dollar bill to fix her tires… he acts like it’s the most money he’s ever seen in his life.

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Tori wakes up and realizes that she’s in her mom’s cabin and is all WTF and “Kevin, you drugged me.” Danger says that he had to because he loves her and he knows that she loves him and all they need is some quiet time away from her friends… um, isn’t that what they had at that other secluded cabin? How much more “away” can they be? She tells him that there’s not even food here and he says that he’ll go get some. She says this is kidnapping and man does that piss him off.

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He starts screaming and hugging her and yelling that this is just a couple away for a romantic weekend. Wow.

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fully realizing it.

He holds her down and screams that she doesn’t love him anymore because he doesn’t have any money and his parents are poor. She has no idea what the fuck is going on. She seems to realize that he’s just straight up psychotic and starts to try and placate him to save her life (it takes him choking her for this happen). She tells him that she still loves him of course but that her mom is the one standing in their way. Her mom just hates to see her so happy, you know. He is all “so you still love me?” in a really pathetic version of his serial killer voice but then more serial killer-y says that if she’s lying he’ll…. ().

Now for the very uncomfortable. He’s all “if you love me, then you can MAKE love to me.” Uncomfortable for two reasons: how gross the term “make love” continues to be and that she’s now in a position of going along with his crazy shit in order to live. Ladies, if you’re with a guy who gets aroused from holding you down and choking you while you cry, RUNNNN!!! Don’t even pack your dishes! Just go!

She apparently does it (somehow with their both remaining fully clothed, with their shoes and socks on) so well that he’s passed out like a baby and she can make her escape. Not so fast! He’s awake and in her way a moment later. She hits him over the head HARD and he’s knocked out while she runs to the car.

Mama Spelling comes tearing through town in her jag while Little Spelling tries to get her damned car started. Of course, Danger wakes up because his insanity apparently gives him superhuman strength.

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His face is all bloody and he’s asking why she’s leaving (all sweet) then yelling, then he rolls over the roof of the car and smashes a window with an axe and then apologizes for scaring her. This is terrifying. She hits him with a car door which somehow knocks him out again and then runs inside instead of, oh I don’t know, FAR AWAY.

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She locks up the cabin tight and spies his body on the ground outside through a window. Well, she’s surely safe inside this cabin that has no phone or food or water. What could go wrong?

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Oh that’s right, he has an axe outside. He wakes up and starts chopping his way inside (a-la “The Shining”).

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Mom, meanwhile, can’t get to her cabin because there is a loosely locked chain link fence in her way (that she spends 5 minutes looking at before realizing it’s not closed all the way) and then a gravel road that she trips and falls on. Get it together, lady.

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Tori at least bashes Danger’s hand with a fire poker when he tries to reach in and unlock the door. As Tori runs out the backdoor Mama approaches the front of the cabin. Danger’s crazy eyes seem to change and become fixated on mom. It’s hard to tell with crazy eyes though.

fixated.

Mom walks slowly through the cabin, noting the door with the big axe hole in it… She comes to the back door and sees Tori running in the woods like 500 feet away. No wonder this girl didn’t make the track team. Jesus Christ she left a while ago. Danger pops up behind her.

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Him: You’re too late. (SOCKS HER IN THE FACE)

surprise!
punch.
recoil.

She rolls down a hill and wraps around a tree.

Tori Spelling is STILL visible from the cabin door. He screams and runs after her some more. She runs to a dock and finds a boat and paddles off while he catches up and places the axe “safely” in the waist of his pants.

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Mama Spelling, meanwhile, wakes up from her tree spot.

There are these really sinister shots from under the water like the ones they used in Jaws except this time it’s not a shark under there… it’s a murderer!

shark attack.
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He comes up from the water and grabs the boat and I don’t know how else to describe Tori Spelling’s reaction than by just saying “she screams her fucking head off.” In fact, let me see if I can take a few seconds of video. Enjoy!

She screams until she is tipped over into the water. Danger comes up for air screaming her name and “I LOVE YOU!!!!” which is not scary at all.

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She has swum up under the dock in secret somehow. She pulls herself up on the dock while loudly grunting so… I guess she’s not being so stealthy? Her mom runs up screaming her name and they embrace with a loud screaming cry.

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Mom: Are you alright??
Her: How did you find me??
Mom: Your auto club card (this just became a AAA commercial)
…..
Mom: Where’s Billy?
Her: Who?

Right behind them! In the midst of this whole nearly dying thing Tori now hears that his name isn’t even Billy and that he’s killed in the past. That can’t be easy to hear.

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Tori hilariously hides behind her mom and is all “it was her! She’s the one who hated you!” and since her mom doesn’t know about her whole plan to play along with his psychotic episodes her mom just kind of stands there thinking “holy shit, my daughter is going to let this guy kill me!” and then she tells him she still loves him and mom looks horrified. Don’t worry, in a half second Tori cracks an oar up into Danger’s head and knocks him clear off the dock. He is dead. I mean, maybe he’s dead?

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(^^^^^^ stunt man! ^^^^^^^)

Mom looks scandalized. I hope that teaches her to trust her daughter! Oh wait.

gasp!

They run up the dock and then turn around and look for him… nothing. They breathe a sigh of relief and say that it’s over.

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Or is it?? The end scene is some girl who looks 15 making out with a scruffy dude in a motorcycle jacket who is totally Danger (and 30). The cycle continues.

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Whew. They just don’t make them like that anymore.

So wait, no one went into that lake to look for his body?? Really? They were just all “well, that’s that” and then she went back to studying for China? I wonder whose life he half ass borrowed this time. Oh! And he killed Buttface too. Did he kill his own parents for being poor? I guess the police have better things to do than deal with this “suspect” and this triple or quintuple murder.

6 thoughts on “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?

  1. 1) Whenever there’s a psycho, they’re always from Washington
    2) How did they assemble such an unattractive cast?
    3) OF COURSE Tori Spelling is in this movie
    4) Love the new layout!

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