Sex and the Single Mom! (Just look how empty your bed is when you’re a single mom)
Taking a break from the abusive relationships to deal with two other topics Lifetime loves to delve into: motherhood and sex.
This movie stars NYPD Blue’s Gail O’Grady and this girl who totally played a teen mom in another Lifetime Movie! Oh, and Jake from Melrose Place is apparently in it. Hmmmmmmmm, I bet that’s where the sex comes in.
(the daughter is played by Danielle Panabaker who is incredibly recognizable and has been on a few Law and Orders as well as her other Lifetime movies. Googling this lead me to even MORE AMAZING results though when I learned that this movie has a sequel! Looks like everyone but the daughter comes back for it too… I will keep my dvring eye out for it)
Mom wakes up and goes running out of the house, leaving her teenaged daughter to do her own hair (the girl is really whiny when she finds out that she has to do her own hair) because she is clearly very busy and important. She runs into her friend outside in the street, so it’s also most likely a neighbor, who tells her that she likes some guy at work who is named Howard (aww, like my favorite little beagle) and wears bowties. “You know how I like a man in a bowtie” she muses. You and me both, sister. Soda jerks, old fashioned ice cream men and preppy guys in the 60s knew how to dress. I am not even joking in the slightest.
The daughter is at school taking a ton of photos (on film!) of this dude juggling a soccer ball and then just standing there. Riveting stuff.
I bet she’s on yearbook (but not at my high school, my yearbook didn’t have photos this interesting). She goes over to her friend Leeza who apparently has a serious boyfriend named Tyler who plays soccer with McBoring, the guy she was photographing. Leeza has a face for radio and a personality for silent films if you know what I mean.
Leeza says that she sometimes wishes Tyler was more like McBoring because Tyler can be very boring sometimes (foreshadowing??).
Sarah is the daughter’s name, it turns out. She asks Tyler what McBoring said all expectant so clear tthat Tyler is supposed to be hooking them up. Tyler is all “he’s not into you, move on.”
Wow, he knows how to let down a 15 year old girl. His lady is all “I bet you asked wrong” which just adds to the foreshadowing of her dumping him later on. He’s not up for talking about it though and says the guy is a jerk and to get over it. Sarah is SO UPSET though. What should she do?? She thinks she’s the only person ever who hasn’t had a boyfriend and she’s just going to die if that keeps up. No real plans are made, she’s just stressing as we go to…
Mom is in her office chatting up Jake (I cannot know him by anything but his Melrose Place name) who is a SURGEON. Yeah, let that sink in. Jake is playing some kind of surgeon and he’s an expert witness in the trial she is working on. She’s very well dressed and has her own office so she might be a lawyer, it’s too soon to tell.
Jake is all “bigwords bigwords, surgeon talk” and she reminds him that jurors are not all as educated as him so he needs to dumb it down. Yeah, I would guess most people aren’t surgeons either so that would make sense in many scenarios in his life but I think Jake is just psyched not to be wearing a tool belt for once. She has also called her daughter and told her to have dinner at the neighbor’s house because she won’t be done working until midnight (that girl now knows she has freedom until midnight).
Jake is all “let’s go eat dinner” but it’s sunny and bright in her office even though they’re acting like it’s night. She is all “I have to work” but he asks again and that’s all it takes to convince her.
Sarah is at the neighbor’s and we learn that soccer Tyler is the neighbor’s son and her best friend. Ahhh, I see. She is all pissed at dinner because of the crushing blow she got earlier about the dude rejecting her.
Tyler is totally oblivious (much like before) and so she leaves to go develop her photos IN HER OWN DARKROOM. God, this girl is always left alone and has her own home darkroom. I want to be her.
Mom is at dinner with Jake and they’re talking about her divorce and how he’s separated (which means, still married and usually not even “separated” if you catch my drift) and it’s very general dinner convo. But then he says that there’s been something between them and not to fight it (we have seen zero evidence of this but okay). She just kind of sits there but doesn’t say anything and then he’s up and kissing her across the table at the restaurant.
Sarah is at home developing her photos and then she decides to GO INTO HER OWN STUDIO ROOM. Oh good lord. I want to be her so badly. It’s a whole room with studio lighting on the same floor as the dark room. She goes in and sets up her camera on a tripod and strips for it- intercut with a really racy scene of her mom having dirty single mom sex with Jake. The music is all dirty and sultry for the mom scenes and all circus-like for the teenaged girl nudes scenes.
Mom asks what time it is and we’re shown a really clear and long shot of the condom on his bedside table so I can only assume this is also foreshadowing of some kind.
Anywho, it’s 1am so she gets her clothes on and does the walk of shame back home. Of course she sees her daughter’s dirty thong shots and topless photos and freaks out, as you do.
The daughter is woken up and asked “WHO TOOK THESE?” but she says she took them herself and to calm down but also throws in a good barb asking mom where she’s been until 2am. Mom asks her what’s going on with her and she says she doesn’t know and it’s kind of heartbreaking.
Man, puberty is the fucking worst. Mom is not really helpful though and just says that sex is big and she’s not ready for it. She didn’t ask you if she was ready- she just has no idea what’s happening to her hormones and is in a weird place where she’s not a kid and not a grownup and you’re not helping, NYPD Blue’s Gail O’Grady!
Good lord, the alarm goes off at 5am and I’m tired just thinking about that. Mom gets all gussied up in an exact outfit to yesterday’s and starts making lunches. Sarah is all “it’s still dark outside!” and then gives some great teenager faces to her mom when Mom asks what her plans for Halloween are.
Sarah asks what Mom’s plans are. Mom continues to push abstinence onto her daughter with no explanation behind it while secretly planning a Halloween sex getaway. Sarah’s sure that everyone is “hooking up” except her! She’s so left out! Mom heads back to work, leaving her daughter to presumably take more nude photos and learn how to shoot heroin for the next 12+ hours. Are you really “strict” if you’re never home to enforce anything?
After commercial we see Mom coming out of a lingerie store like a criminal. Her friend/neighbor sees her and calls her on her cell to see if she’d like to have coffee. Mom is all “oh, I can’t get away from my desk” and her friend is all “oh really, busy day at work huh?” with a sly smile. Friend walks up to her car all “you’re busted, who is he?”
Mom is all “I NEVER KNEW SEX COULD BE LIKE THIS” and then goes on and on about how it is when the perfect person touches you and opens up your world. Umm, they did it once, right? This poor lady has clearly not done it in a long time. Or maybe she’s one of those ladies on Oprah who’s 40 but never known what an orgasm was before. Those poor dears. Anyway, she is ADAMANT that she does not want her daughter knowing about this.
Mom is at work doing boring crap with Jake and he’s being totally unprofessional and then starts boning her on her desk.
(Oh, I should say that I think she is a paralegal because someone just mentioned that she is trying to go to law school and needs to talk to their boss about it) We are still supposed to believe that no one at work notices this.
Sarah is back on the soccer sidelines. Jesus Christ, girl, start playing your own sport! Stupid Leeza is doing her eye makeup and tells Sarah that she and Tyler want to pick her up on Halloween and McBoring is coming too. Sarah- “He’s coming??” Leeza- “Well, he didn’t exactly agree to you but he might come.” Wow, her friends are all pretty mean. And this girl is really pretty (like 100x prettier than this Leeza girl for example) but they’re all acting like she’s some kind of social leper.
Mom asks her boss to help her with law school and the boss is kind of like “you don’t have time for that” but agrees to help her out. It will be a ton of work but this lady is a SUPERWOMAN and she can do it!
Sarah says she’s sleeping at her dad’s and her dad comes to get her. This girl has finally realized that her mom is never home and just lies to her so that she can go to this stupid Halloween party. Mom calls Jake and tells him to order “a couple of steaks to go with those oysters, we have until dawn.” Wow, she has perfected the art of the booty call in a very short amount of time.
Oh god! They’re slow dancing in his hotel room. That’s not the worst part though, the song that they’re dancing to goes:
“I wanna get lost in your ocean, I wanted to dive in your smile. Drown in your love and devotion for a while… yeahhhhh”
Ugh, that is awful. They discuss what they’re doing and how “serious” it is. You’d think this lady who preaches abstinence and how “big” sex is would think this was pretty serious. You’d be wrong though!
Then they have more of the dirty sex with more skin showing than I was expecting. How old is Gail O’Grady now? Her body is banging. Jake meanwhile, has gotten kind of a mush face through the years.
Dumb dad has dropped Sarah off to an empty house because he’s dumb. This rouse would never fool my dad (currently, at my 30 something age even) for a few reasons but mainly because she doesn’t even go inside, she just starts changing right there in front of the house and then her friends pull up. My dad never drives off until you’re inside and lights have come on. NEVER. He also won’t leave an airport before your plane takes off. This dad is all “happy Halloween” and takes off right after she gets out of the car. Dumb dad.
Her friends pull up and they’re drinking and McBoring isn’t even in there because apparently he has now rejected her three times. She looks leery. Commercial.
Mom and Jake go for a post-coital walk in the middle of the night and he tells her about how his wife cheated on him. She asks if that was hard on the kids and he says they kept it from the kids and just said they were divorcing because he couldn’t put his children ahead of his work. THAT’S TERRIBLE! Man, what a hurtful lie. Mom tells him, verbatim: “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” I guess she forgot about her daughter?? Or anyone else she’s known longer than a week? Jesus Christ. They go back to do it some more.
Sarah wakes up on some couch somewhere at dawn. It’s a really nice house with no Halloween decorations or mess so I can’t imagine a very wild party went on there last night. She goes home and gets into her mom’s bed since mom is out booty calling and not at home like she said she’d be. Sarah is VERY interested in where her mom has been and what she does. I had single parents and I don’t remember ever caring so much about their sex lives. It was also not on the agenda when we talked. To their credit, they never blindly told me to abstain from sex either. When Mom gets home Sarah is all over her asking where she’s been and Mom tells some really lame lies about girlfriends that don’t exist.
Sarah: “You have a boyfriend don’t you? Everyone has a boyfriend but me!”
Then she tells her mom about her lying and going to the party and says that everyone was making out but her and that NO ONE EVEN ASKED HER. That’s what she’s most pissed off about. Again, she’s being portrayed as a social leper. What the heck? Mom tells her that she’ll get a boyfriend when the time is right and that a first boyfriend should be special like her. Every time this girl lies and does what she wants, she just tells her mom who doesn’t punish her. Why not just tell her ahead of time if she doesn’t care?
Trial! Jake is all being a surgeon on the stand and Mom’s friend at work clearly gets the eye for what’s going on here.
Jake has a huge diagram of a baby’s heart to explain his fancy surgeon terms more clearly since he’s not a handyman at all. AT ALL. Totally a doctor.
Ew, Mom takes Jake to the airport since his whole job here is over and he says that he’s glad their professional relationship is over so the next time they see each other they can focus on “making love.” GAGGGG. Gag. I am gagging. She pulls her Jeep onto some abandoned road so they can do it right there in the car before she drops him at the airport.
Somehow they make plans to be in Chicago the Monday and Tuesday before Thanksgiving… even though he lives in Atlanta and she lives in CA or something.
Sarah is taking the team photo for the soccer team and then McBoring runs up to her all “so, do you still wanna get together?” and she’s all “what?” but then he explains that Leeza said she wanted to hook up with him.
Good ‘ol Leeza, pimping out her friend. Sarah is so excited that he’s talking to her that she’s not listening to what he’s saying. He says he’ll call her and she trots off all “he likes me!” not getting that he wants a little booty call and not to actually be seen with her.
Mom picks up Sarah from her babysitting job in some tank top and tells her that she looks like a sausage (thanks, mom!). Sarah says it was a present from the mom she babysits for and also that she got her a navel ring. Mom ain’t having that either. This lady needs to pick her battles. Let her wear a tank top sometimes!
Now they’re at the neighbor’s house and Tyler and Leeza come in and go upstairs. Mom is all “you’re not worried about them going up there alone??” and Neighbor says that she’d rather them be at home. Mom FREAKS out and says that her daughter shouldn’t be doing it ANYWHERE and they have a weird argument where the mom who is never home tells the mom who takes care of three kids essentially (since we’re including Sarah) that she is doing a bad job. Thanks again, mom! Mom then drops the news about her tryst for pre-Thanksgiving.
Jake shows up and just basically runs into her mouth and then they make out up to her room until they’re naked. Yes, Sarah, never do this! It’s clearly awful!
Post-boning Jake says he wants to talk and he tells her that when he saw her in the lobby, his heart stopped. LITERALLY. He’s a cardiac surgeon so you can believe him on this one.
Then he gets up and puts on a hotel robe and tells her he’s fallen in love with her… but then he drops the bomb that he’s “going back.” She asks “to your wife?” and he says “no, to the kids.” Like he can only see his kids if he stays married to his adulterous wife? For a surgeon, you’re not too smart Jake. You could learn a thing or two from handyman Jake- he may not have been able to put a baby’s heart back together but he understood women and relationships.
She does this dramatic thing where she refuses to look at him because then she says she’ll be okay and I guess he’s expected to see himself out while she cries in the bathroom.
Thanksgiving is happening and it’s both families (which is a nice dynamic, I hope to have neighbors like this when I finally get out from under the dark shadow of Larry). Howard the history teacher who wears bowties is there and he’s pretty awesome. Dumb Dad’s new wife is an idiot and they brought their baby. Sarah says she and Tyler have to go and they run out of there. Where are they going? Don’t wonder about it too long because it’s NEVER EXPLAINED. Grandma is concerned about letting them run off together but Mom is all “he’s family” and rolls her eyes. Mom is clearly heartbroken but she can’t act like it since she kept her sex illicit and never told her family about Jake.
Dumb Dad and his bald baby leave. Grandma gets a ride home from Howard (ooh, get yourself some Grandma) because she can’t drive until after her cataract surgery. That was a weird detail to drop in there.
Friend calls Jake a jerk while they’re alone but Mom sticks up for him. “My heart’s broken, but I’m alive. He did that…. and if you’re alive you’re gonna feel pain. Those are the rules.” She cries while her friend hugs her. She was dead inside until she met Jake! He really must have some magic touch.
Oh shit, Mom is up chugging Pepto because her stomach is upset. She’s knocked up. Sighhhhhh.
^^^^^ This the face I make just thinking about someone chugging Pepto Bismol, yuck ^^^^
Mom is also vomiting at the office. The piano music of bad decisions plays as she looks at herself in the mirror and then goes to the pharmacy to get a pregnancy test. Blah blah blah, she’s pregnant.
Her friend is all “I can’t believe you didn’t use protection” and she uses the line used by so many teen moms on 16 and Pregnant, “just once!” Yeah, right. She says to get off her back. When she says “at least he has good genes” her friend tells her to slow down! Her daughter is nearly 18 and she’s nearly in law school, what the fuck is she thinking? But this is SUPERWOMAN! She can do it all. She’s got it all wired because she’s a magical single mother. She can’t even take care of a 15 year old but she thinks she can handle a newborn. Ugh. Friend: “What you need to do is think about this, really think about this” in a tone that implies “seriously, you are crazy.” (It should be noted that she lost a baby like 14 years ago and thinks this is nature giving her back the baby it “owes” her)
Sarah sees the pregnancy test in the bathroom garbage, of course.
Sarah and Tyler are driving around and she’s freaking out about the pregnancy test. She’s all “she never goes out, she doesn’t have a boyfriend!” Tyler agrees that this would be weird but that she’s also jumping to conclusions (little does he know that she’s right about all of them). Sarah then says that she might “get Chad sometime” and Tyler again tells her that McBoring is a loser. I hasten to point that she’s “seeing him” in the sense that she SEES him when he’s playing soccer and she’s ogling him but that’s about it but whatever. She seems to think she’s seeing McBoring and since she has so little in her life let’s just let her have that.
At home Mom is riding the Vomit Express and Sarah confronts her. Here it is:
Sarah: You look terrible.
Mom: I have the stomach flu.
Sarah: You think I’m stupid?? You’ve had the stomach flu for days! (PISSED AND CONFRONTATIONAL) You’re pregnant, aren’t you?
Mom: Sarah. (firm)
Sarah: Well, are you?
Mom: I don’t know (stammering).
Sarah: Liar, you do know!
Mom: I might be…
Mom: Okay, I’m pregnant.
Sarah: You’re pregnant?!?!? (totally shocked even though she knew the answer)
Sarah: Who is he? (hopeful?)
Mom: …. (Silence)
Sarah: Do you know how creepy this is, your mom having sex with someone you’ve never even heard of!! (yes, this is what she has the issue with)
Mom: He’s a heart surgeon
Sarah: Right, where is he?
Mom: Atlanta. (now he sounds fully made up)
Sarah: How convenient! (goes to storm out)
Sarah: I don’t want to talk about this, I don’t want to talk about this ever again!!(DOOR SLAM)
In the morning Sarah leaves while Mom is making breakfast and they never mention the fight last night. Mom looks like she might vom through the whole scene though.
At work some lawyer wants to set Mom up on a date with a “nice guy” and he’s really pushy so she just tells him she’s knocked up. I guess if she’s telling people at work this means she’s keeping it. He asks who the lucky guy is and she admits there is none.
He tries to not look scandalized, unsuccessfully. She asks how this news will go over in the office and he says no one except the lawyer Mom directly works for will care. That is inconvenient.
Next scene, Mom’s boss is telling her that she has to give her maternity leave and then give her her job back “in whatever condition” she’s in. Hahah, she unapologetically hates women who have children. She even gives her a hilarious speech right out of a mom-hating woman diatribe:
“I built this firm from scratch, I chose not to have kids, I chose not to sacrifice my career. You think you can do it all? Well you damn well better be able to do it all because I’m not gonna cut you any slack, have you got that? … One more thing, don’t you think law school’s a bit much for you right now?” No. She says NO. She’s SUPERWOMAN! By the way, superwoman means idiot in this world.
Oh mom gets home and looks like Sarah is upstairs about to do it with McBoring. In fact, she’s hung a “do not disturb” sign on the door because she’s that brazen.
Mom busts in and Chad is all “you never told me you had a warden!” Mom threatens him with a statutory rape charge and he smirks and says she’s not 18 so she has nothing on him. He leaves shirtless but wearing his leather jacket and clearly with an attitude that someone just cockblocked him. He is a jerk. I’m starting to see Tyler’s side of this story. Any teenager that cocky needs to be knocked down a few pegs.
Mother/daughter fight, take two! Sarah says that she’s tired of being a prude and that she borrowed the do not disturb sign from the neighbor. Mom is all preachy but Sarah is all “YOU’RE PREGNANT!” and mom goes on some more about how Sarah’s not ready and Sarah is smart enough to say that at least she’s smart enough to use a condom.
Whoa, mom isn’t psyched on this but it’s an excellent point. Sarah then says that her mom is stupid and gets in her face saying that she’s also pregnant. Mom slaps her and Sarah starts packing to move in with her dad.
Mom lets her walk right out despite telling her that she’s not allowed to leave… and Mom drops the “I’m keeping the baby” bomb too. As you can imagine, Sarah is very happy with that news and storms out.
Dumb Dad comes over to do some mundane household thing and they have a little parenting pow-wow. Mom says that she’s lost her credibility and Dumb Dad says:
“I told her, just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you give up the right to try to keep her from making one.”
Wow, he’s calling this baby a mistake right to her face. Not only that but Mom is all “thanks for the support” SINCERELY.
Now Grandma has had her cataract surgery and does this whole scene with an eye patch on. Why is this a plot point?? Did this actor have cataract surgery in real life when they were filming this? Mom tells her she’s with child and Grandma is all “I already knew” because moms know everything. Being a mom is so kooky .
Grandma asks how Sarah is enjoying this news and Mom admits that she is not but that she has made the best choice for herself. Grandma points out that other people live in her life too. It’s so tough to be a SUPERWOMAN these days. Can a girl really have it all?
Mom is drowning at work.
Mom tells the friend that the baby is healthy and a boy. Friend: “Congratulations.” Mom: “This is a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be.” AND THE BABY ISN’T EVEN BORN YET! Just imagine when you have a newborn around, lady. Howard Bowtie is moving in. Looks like friend is having more than just single mom sex, she’s buying the cow.
Sarah is at her dad’s and her dad’s wife turns out to be awful as well as stupid. Also, her idea of Christmas dinner is double cheeseburgers from a fast food place. That sounds like the worst. Sarah leaves and goes to a Christmas party instead. She’s looking for McBoring and she finds him…. In bed with Leeza. Since she boned Tyler, she probably doesn’t think sex is a big deal and will just do it with any McBoring who crosses her path. This is why abstinence is so important, you guys.
Sarah goes storming out with Tyler and in the car he actually has human emotions. He says they deserve each other.
Sarah goes to her mom’s to tell her what happened. Mom says she’s sorry McBoring broke her heart and Sarah says he didn’t. She says she hates Leeza and her mom tells her to feel sorry for her instead (hahah, is that better?). Sarah is so happy to see that her mom made a ham that she seems willing to forgive her for anything.
Mom asks her if she wants her Christmas present early and it’s a new camera that they never show so we can only assume it’s awesome. It appears to be settled that Sarah is coming back home.
Sarah crawls into bed with her mom and they have a really weird convo where she says that she liked being an only child. Then she says “you’re gonna have a baby and I’m never even gonna get a boyfriend.” How are these two things related?? Mom says sex can change your life and Sarah points out that it certainly has changed Mom’s life. Mom steers the convo back to Leeza and says that Leeza betrayed herself tonight as well, blah blah blah, whatever.
Cut to the future when mom is about to give birth and Sarah is back at soccer practice because soccer is year ‘round at this school and she is their full time photographer apparently.
McBoring comes up and says that nothing happened with Leeza and she’s all “really, that was nothing?” He says that he feels bad that she doesn’t like him anymore. Yup, that is what bugs him. No longer having his own private cheerleader. He says maybe they should go out sometime and she blows him off, thank god. However, she starts taking photos of Tyler and I hope this doesn’t mean that she’s getting a crush on her brother-like neighbor.
Back from commercial she and her brother-like neighbor are making out. They’re joking around though… apparently she has enlisted him to teach her about hooking up.
She learns that “this doesn’t feel right” which is how you should feel about making out with brother-like neighbors. Tyler is all “you can’t get me all worked up and just stop.” Seriously? Shut up, teenaged boys throughout time and even some adult men. He says that she asked him to do this and now is stopping and she says that this is a big deal and she’s not ready because after this she’ll be a different person. Oh god, why do people ever think they’ll be different after they do it? That’s so weird. You’re the same! You will most likely keep doing it for like 60 years… it’s not that wild.
Mom and friend are coming up with a schedule for the baby downstairs and she’s making it very clear that she’ll be expecting everyone to help her raise this child. Wow. That’s kind of shitty. If this 15 year old girl wanted to be raising a baby, she’d be the girl this girl played in ANOTHER MOVIE. A girl who gets to have sex. Instead she just gets the shitty part of raising the baby while being in high school. How fun for her. Friend looks less than thrilled and says Grandma should pitch in… we don’t ever see Grandma agree to this.
Hahahahhahhahahaha, the baby is born and she names him…. JAKE! This writer had a sense of humor after all. Grandma says the baby is beautiful and Mom agrees but says he’s not as beautiful as Sarah was and then gives some teary speech about how great Sarah is (that is most likely just to butter her up for 4am feedings).
Mom: “We’ll all do this together.”
Oh, will we?
They get home and the baby is sleeping and the birds are chirping and everything is working like clockwork because she is SUPERWOMAN and she can indeed have it all.
Gag me. This is as gross as when someone says “make love.”
Grandma takes the baby and says “ooof, I’m too old for this” with a laugh and the Mom jokes “Me too!” Hahahahahah, that’s so funny.
I hope that the sequel shows Jake finding out he has a secret baby, Grandma getting Stockholm syndrome from being at home with the baby all day with no help and then mom flunking out of law school. That would just about even out this incredibly utopian view of single parenthood.
I am not sure I could have imagined a more infuriating ending really.