The Client List.

The Client List

My sister informed me that did this movie because of their love of Jennifer Love Hewitt so I am just going to link to their recap and just make a list of my thoughts.

1. In like every scene someone tells her how pretty she is. She produced it! I have to assume that she would read scripts and be all “this is great but can you mention my beauty a few more times?” Her boobs should have gotten their own credit.

2. One of the other “masseuses” at the parlor says she’s hooking because she didn’t make it onto American Idol and needs money for singing lessons. The sinister side of American Idol, man.

3. When Jennifer Love Hewitt is all “I need to make money so I can feed my kids” she looks down at her $$$ Marc Jacobs bag. Yeah, she’s so poor she can only buy $400 purses. Cry me a river.

4. If you’re hooking and you live in a small town and you’re married and have a kid… don’t tell people you’re hooking. She immediately tells someone.

5. The Southern accents are really something.

6. If you’re hooking and you live in a small town don’t be shocked when someone you know comes in. (And when that someone is the husband of THE ONE PERSON YOU TOLD, maybe you should wonder if she told him… hmmmmmmmm, maybe.)

7. She is pissed that it turns out she’s NOT too pretty to work. That’s really her anger throughout the movie- that life has forced her to work.

8. The fact that the massage parlor is called “Kind Touch Health Spa” never stops being hilarious. In the gofugyourself recap they refer to hooking as “kind touching.” I love it.

9. We are supposed to believe that her boobs are so freaking amazing that men are flying into this town on their jets to touch them. Seriously.

10. She is the kind of “masseuse” who works 9-5, Monday through Friday. Is that a thing?

11. She is all “when I do something, I do it right” which explains her becoming the best fucking lay in all of the country. However, she neglects her kids in the process… maybe she shouldn’t have applied that logic and drive so narrowly?

12. She does seem to worry about this morally but she never seems to realize that it’s a crime… until the Kind Touch gets raided. (During the raid it comes out that the cops in town frequently get touched kindly.)

13. When they show the raid on the news, her husband is watching and the spa is shown ALL OVER THE PLACE but after he mocks it and jokes with other dudes in the bar until he hears the reporter say the place is the Kind Touch and he goes white. I don’t think her husband ever learned to read.

14. Jennifer Love Hewitt sits around watching videos of her young self in pageants when she’s sad.

15. It’s pretty weird that they just hired her and didn’t do an STD test or anything. I guess she’s just that gorgeous.

16. Her lawyer asks for her client list (GET IT?) in order to deflect her sentence. She’s all “I know they use aliases and pay cash” but ohhhh, not so fast. This girl is so effing good at kind touching that her johns told her their real names, she’s sure of it.

17. When you live in a small town and you tell the names of everyone who got touched kindly, EVERYONE will know. In this town everyone just chats about it and embarrasses the men while not blaming the women at all. What kind of small town is this?! They even laugh about some of the gross men all “there are some things even a hooker shouldn’t have to do.” Snaps, girlfriend.

18. If her husband makes a hundred bucks a month or whatever how does he move out and take the kids?

19. She tells her mom that sometimes the work was “really disgusting” but all they showed was her parading around in outifts, looking psyched and counting the money. They never really showed a downside… she also only gets 30 days in jail and laughs it off.

20. She gets out of jail and the chyron says it’s been 5 months… okay. She kept the house all this time! No one is living in it! The very same house that she was hooking to pay the mortgage on before. I just realized that her real problem was being terrible with money. Poor thing.

21. All the neighborhood women come over to confront her and she’s scared that they’re going to kill her so she is all “we were broke, i’m so sorry, I thought I was doing the best thing for my family” but no, they don’t want her apologies. They just want to know why her vagina is magical and if she can teach them so their men won’t leave them.

22. She thinks that being really beautiful makes you the best in bed. Oh god, that could not be further from reality! This was just another time “she got by on her looks.” MY EYES ARE ROLLING SO HARD THAT THEY COULD STICK THIS WAY. She gets out a banana and two apples to represent a man (ack, scary) and then demos everything and tells her friend she “went through two bunches of bananas.” Ummm, she wasn’t actually banging the bananas, was she? I fear that she was. These ladies got a real show!

23. She’s going back to school on her new diner waitress salary. It’s as easy as that.

24. Six months is enough time for her dumb husband to punish her and when he sees how freaking good she looks, he decides that he needs her back. So has she really learned anything about NOT relying on her looks? Her breathtakingly gorgeous looks? Probably not.


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