I am absolutely loving this rainy Sunday. I woke up early this morning and opened up my back door and napped while it rained and now I am watching movies in my pajamas. (Despite all the cruddy things that happened today) Perfect Sunday!
Today brings us “To Be Fat Like Me” a 2007 Lifetime movie about a pretty, popular girl who goes undercover to see what it would be like if she were fat.
The opening credits are this girl running intercut with scenes of bacon and eggs being made. She gets home and admonishes her mom for eating bacon and then is a huge asshole who basically tells her mom she’s fat and gross while she makes a smoothie when her mom is talking (like, hit blend on the blender every time her mom tries to speak).
Her mom makes a face but doesn’t say anything like “you don’t speak to me like that.” Skinny also has a job because she apparently has to save money for college herself and is incredibly bitter about it. It’s not as charming as she seems to think it is.
NOTE! The mom is being played by hack comedianne Caroline Rhea. “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” in syndication must not be paying as much as it used to.
Her little brother asks her why she has to be so mean to their mom and she’s all whatever, like a true teenager.
A weird scene happens where a neighbor? brother? gives her mail but he’s wearing a crazy alien monster mask for no reason.
School- there is some documentary contest that gives a 15k prize that a teacher brings up. What?? This barely exists for real documentaries but we’re supposed to believe that 16 year olds can get this kind of money easily for doc projects. Skinny is not interested because she is thissss close to a softball scholarship, she can feel it. She is also too busy peeking through the mini-blinds at some hunky so-and-so in a muscle car.
She has a nerdy glasses friend (Glasses will be her name) who really wants to make the documentary but she blows it off for softball practice. Hunky is also there to look at during softball practice.
Coach tells her that a scout will be at her next two games and if she impresses them enough she will get a full ride. She claps her hands and jumps up and down squealing.
She gets home to find bullies beating up her brother for being fat. They’re calling him things like “pork and beans” and saying “fat called, it wants it’s fat back!” Whatever that means. She breaks it up but they kind of make fun of her and imply that she’s ugly but they leave.
He’s mad that his sister broke up his fight. She’s all “I wouldn’t have to if you’d fight them for yourself, why do you let people treat you like that? Where’s your pride?” How sweet of her! Then she pats her own back and says that the principal loves her. He’s all “Yay you, everyone loves you” with eye rolls.
Her dad is very psyched about this full ride scholarship news and her mom brings out a celebratory cake for her, all happy. Wait mom, don’t be too happy, your snotty teenager will soon rain on your parade!
She’s all “you know I’m on a strict diet and can’t eat that!” Dad is all “can we never just eat in this house??” Skinny leaves for work and doesn’t touch the cake. What a charmer, you guys!
Hunky shows up at the bowling alley while she’s working. She has 25 minutes left but he puts his hunky moves on her male supervisor. No one can avoid this guy’s magnetism! She takes off with him. He has also heard the news about the scout and tells her about when a scout came to see him. He tells her to try not to think about how much she needs the money, which is good advice. He asks if he can come see her play and she’s all “it’s a free country” as though she’s super smooth and not totally squealing inside.
Game day- Hunky has brought an annoying friend who is all “what’s the point of watching girls play? You must have it badddd.” The music gets scary so you know something bad is about to happen.
She’s sliding into second when the second baseman comes down from a jump right on top of her ankle and smashes it. A doctor tells her she “should” be able to play again NEXT season. She’s pissed. Don’t worry, she will definitely be taking her anger out on everyone around her.
Instead of taking it easy like she was supposed to, she works out and does tons of physical therapy so she can play in the last game of the season (so like 10/12 weeks have passed in the last few minutes). Coach is all “too late, you’re not getting anything now.” She cleans out her locker and thinks a lot.
Then she thinks some more on the front steps. Her brother comes home with no shoes on because the bullies took them. She’s all “maybe if you stopped being sarcastic, they’d leave you alone.” Yeah, bullies fucking hate sarcasm. She’s got him there!
Her brother proceeds to put the smack down and tell her that she has no idea what bullying is like or about. He asks “do you really think you’re popular because you’re sooooo much nicer than all the other girls? You don’t think being a skinny, pretty, jock has something to do with it?” YES! Someone calls her out on her awful personality! This bugs her so she gets snippy. He continues, “It’s like you tutoring me in math, how can you help me with something you clearly don’t understand?!” Sweet burn, little brother.
She’s laying in bed moping so her mom comes to try and cheer her up but she turns in the mega-attitude and is all “you never apologized for what happened!” This is when we find out that her mom got sick and had to stop working and that’s why they can’t afford college. Skinny is all “if it wasn’t for her hospital bills I’d still have a college fund!!” WOW!! What a little asshole. Are teenagers really this awful? Her dad is all “whoa, that’s harsh” but she says that they don’t allow her to say the truth. Clearly this girl is keeping her smartass comments to herself. EYE ROLL. She is snotty 99% of the time. I can’t to find out what vague illness her mom had… no matter what, she is an asshole to the extreme though.
Somehow all this being a horrible person gives her inspiration and she calls Glasses and tells her that she wants to go undercover as a fat person and have her document it for the documentary contest.
The monster dude who lives upstairs gives her a fat girl makeover and Glasses is all “I don’t think this will work.” Then Skinny is REVEALED and Glasses gives a sly smile of “okay, this will work.”
It’s lucky that they have a dude willing to do an intense amount of makeup and suiting everyday, for free, paying for materials out of his own pocket. Does he not have a job? What’s he getting out of this? We’ll never know!
Skinny tells Glasses that she thinks that if she keeps her personality, she will still be popular. “I think bigger people use their weight as an excuse, for practically everything” she says right after saying she’s not biased. Glasses is all “yeah, you don’t sound biased at all. Oh, Skinny, you are in for a world of hurt if you really think that your personality is that good.
Glasses built a hidden camera into her backpack and into a pair of glasses because her mom was never sick so she swims in a giant money pit.
I get the feeling here that Glasses doesn’t like Skinny that much…now… when she’s skinny. I wonder if Skinny realizes that she’s not as popular as she thinks she is? (spoiler alert: Nope)
Skinny also decides to hide this experiment completely from her family and just is gone for long periods of time every day and they’re fine with that. What kind of family is this?!
She gets on the bus and is all “excuse me, sorry, sorry, excuse me, good morning, hehehe, cute shoes” and it’s clear that her personality is the freaking worst. Everyone is giving her dirty looks. Who likes it when strangers talk like this on a damned crowded bus? No one, that’s who. Skinny is all “the bus is not the place for big people” after she crams into a seat.
Glasses is really snarky when she tells her to go find popular people, all “you’ll know your own kind.” Skinny rolls her eyes and says that she’s glad Glasses left her biases at home today. These two are obviously great friends.
She gets to class and again just starts talking all “cool shirt” and “I’m not usually late” etc… while other students snicker and moo at her.
She’s not overweight enough for me to totally buy this reaction. Everyone is like double-taking when she walks by and acting like she’s shaking the ground.
Some cute guy looks at her from the office- who is this guy? I would like to kiss him.
Skinny is all “people mooed at me! Who does that?!” on the phone with Glasses. She is sure that the first day was just rough and that tomorrow will be better because she is this confident that fat people are just not likable because their personalities aren’t good enough.
She sits in chemistry, where she is clearly lost because her brother wasn’t lying, she can’t do math. More fat jokes at her expense but then a nerdy guy and another chubby girl invite her to study with them.
She jumps at the chance but clearly she is making no headway with 99% of the student body at this summer school (oh yeah, she is at summer school, where no one knows her, in case you were wondering why no one has wondered where Skinny is).
For some reason she decides to go into the ladies room at school to take off all the fat stuff and it takes forever and then she’s holding a ton of stuff including a big fat pillow torso. She does a video diary about how much she hates being fat and how being fat is like giving the world an excuse to treat you like crap. Two days and she broke down, for those of you keeping score.
She comes out of the bathroom and sees the cute redheaded guy, who turns out to be the teacher from her school. He says “busted” but it’s unclear what she’s done wrong. Maybe he’s suspending her for having terrible two-tone shaggy dog hair? Commercial.
Ahh, the teacher doesn’t love that she has hidden cameras but he likes that they’re making a documentary. Ha! He clearly doesn’t like her either! Maybe her next project should be working on her own terrible personality?
Skinny goes and plays basketball with her hunky friends and some guy tells his friend to stay away from some girl because her mom is fat so she’s a “future fatty in the making.”
Then they all make jokes about how fat women get after you marry them. Ughhhh. Do 16 year old guys even think about such things?! Hunky kisses her and walks her home.
He wants to go inside but she won’t invite him in and tells him she has something she has to do. He’s all “you’re mysterious” and then says that he’ll leave as long as she’ll go out with him tomorrow night. A date is set.
She’s studying with that nerdy guy and the other chubby girl when we find out that Nerdy is in a band… a ska band! Also, chubby girl is secretly in love with him. Chubby girl thinks that he likes Skinny though and she’s okay with it because Skinny is “so pretty” and has “such great style.” This Chubby girl is the first person to think something nice about this girl. I am including her skinny friends from her other life and her family when I say this.
Skinny is all “I’ll take you shopping!” and they head to the mall or something. Chubby is all “I don’t think I could fit into anything in this store” but she’ll never find out because a lady walks up to them all “you should try the store for big girls down the street” and then yoinks the blouse right out of her hand. Wow!
Skinny isn’t taking this sitting down! She goes back and tells off the sales lady and also says that she “needs to eat some carbs!” (because she’s so cranky) Pot, meet kettle, Skinny. She asks for the manager, who is nicer and attempts to help them. Chubby is all “that was like Pretty Woman!” Chubby is blown away that Skinny has so much confidence while also being overweight.
Chubby then opens her glove compartment to a bunch of candy bars and starts scarfing one down (nutbar, anyone?). Skinny is all “what about what people say, that people like us cost the system more money?” Chubby “Do you really think teenagers moo at us because they’re worried about our strain on the system?” Hahahah, that was a good one.
Skinny reveals that her mom had a heart attack from unhealthy living (says her) and that if she had a drinking problem she would be allowed to hate her but hating her for eating makes her the jerk. Lordy. (We also find out that her mom is diabetic and then suffered from depression and lost her job and had a heart attack… obviously, her mom has not had the easiest time of it. I’m sure having a snotty teenager around to be all “you’re the reason I can’t afford college!” is very helpful.)
Chubby is all “I am so glad that we’re friends, it’s nice to have someone to talk to about this stuff.” This appears to make Skinny realize that she is not actually bonding with this girl since she’s living a lie and all. Being a powerful undercover journalist, like Tyra, isn’t easy folks.
Video journal- she admits that she was wrong and had no idea how hard the fat suit would be. She also realizes that she’s very judgmental (FINALLY) and that she should not be so hard on her mom (FINALLY). Her mom comes in to see why she hasn’t been home, like at all, this summer and she kind of apologizes for being such a jerk. Kind of. But kind of is better than nothing, I suppose.
Skinny is having coffee with Nerdy and she sees Hunky and her “friend” and the friend is alllll over him. Nerdy is all “who are those people?” when she starts hiding. When she says that he’s a guy she’s sort of dating Nerdy is totally shocked but tries to pretend that he’s not. Then he kind of says that Skinny is attractive in a “not obvious” way. I fear that that backhanded compliment would also apply to me in real life. I would not go out with this guy in a ska band but Kelly Lynn would!
Glasses is kind of a total asshole. She’s super mean to Skinny and thinks she needs to be in there “cracking” the chubby girl and getting her to “break down.” She sounds like a horrible boss I had once, who made the absolute worst television. She says no and that she wants to tell them about the experiment but Glasses rightly tells her not to before it’s complete. Skinny has the epiphany that people are so afraid of fat people because anyone could become fat but you can’t just become a woman or a black dude etc…
Skinny, being friends with nerds and actually studying, has gotten a B+ on her chemistry test. Miracle! It’s shocking when studying leads to better grades. They go bowling to celebrate and no one there recognizes her. The boys who bully her brother are on the next lane and start mooing and calling them cows etc… Skinny tells them off but one of the kids throws his soda in her face and she realizes that her makeup is peeling off.
She runs out of there but they think she’s embarrassed and go chase her down. They uncover her secret identity, and then her undercover documentary project and they are not pleased.
They leave, very pissed. Somehow, her glasses camera is still working despite all the liquid and ice just poured on it.
Skinny is at home doing what she does best, being a total asshole to her family. She is all “want some bread with that butter, mom?” and then judging her medicine and being a total and complete snot. Chubby won’t answer her calls.
Hunky texts her wondering if she has forgotten yet another date. She had! Despite it being morning and breakfast time, she runs to meet him and it’s night time on the beach. Her “friend” is there talking about being prom queen and she’s all “don’t go counting the votes yet!” because she has such a charming personality. “Friend” is all “god, you are such a killjoy” and then Hunky agrees with her.
She gets home (when it’s light outside and daytime…) to find Nerdy waiting on her steps with study help for their chemistry final because he’s the nicest guy ever. He admits that he was “close” to “crushing on her” despite being out of her league. She is all “no you’re not” and he says that he still is which is funny because it implies that to him her stock has plummeted now that he knows she’s thin and popular. He says that he googled her and found out that she’s some kind of jock and she says that she’s never been good at school so she relies on sports. He says that she sells herself short.
She has to wear the fatsuit to the last day of classes but to her credit, she doesn’t wear the glasses/camera. Chubby is still pissed and avoids her. She goes chasing after her and Chubby is all “You do not wanna hear what I have to say.”
Skinny says that she does so she asks if she got all the sides- if she talked to her family and friends in real life etc… She’s all “so you think you put on a fat suit and you know what it’s like to be me? Next are you gonna put on a lab coat and pretend to be a doctor?” Skinny has very little to say because she really didn’t think through the documentary project at all.
Chubby leaves and says “I may be uncool, and I may be fat but at least I’m not a liar. At least I’m not you.” Snaps! Then drives off while Skinny thinks some more.
They screen their movie for the cute redheaded teacher and he points out that there is no ending to this movie and that’s what it needs. No shit. They’re whining that they don’t know how to do that.
Skinny gets home to her family wanting to sit her down and talk about her because they’re worried about her health. She’s all “hypocritical much??” to her mom, so I guess the whole trying-to-be-nicer-to-her-mom thing lasted all of 5 minutes. She goes running out of there to see her “friend.” My dad would never just let me leave the house whenever I wanted to, even in the middle of fights. This girl needs to stop feeling like she can just do and say whatever she wants, whenever she wants to.
She meets her “friend” and they immediately fight and she’s a total asshole. The “friend” let’s slip that Hunky may be hers now but that he never belonged to Skinny so whatevers. It’s always good to have a great girlfriend you can talk to when you’re upset!
She goes and finds Hunky and he is not interested but she forces him to walk with her and they share a really boring and awkward kiss so I guess she won that round? I don’t know.
She and her brother share a rare, sweet moment and she invites him to run with her starting this weekend and he says that he will.
Skinny goes inside to find her mom watching the “documentary” where she’s all “I feel so gross in this thing, I look like my mom.” Ugh, so mean. Mom starts a fight about this and forces Skinny to listen. Skinny “What do you want me to do? Lie? That’s always what we seem to do in this house, we don’t wanna hurt your feelings!” This girl has done nothing but be really mean and hurtful to her mom so I don’t know what world she’s living in where she doesn’t want to hurt feelings.
She then yells “I may not be ashamed of you but you should be ashamed of yourself!” and her mom starts crying and runs into her bedroom because that was some mean shit. She immediately is all “I didn’t mean that, mom, come back!” Her brother walks in all “why are you so mean to her?!” and she admits that she doesn’t know but she still just leaves to see her friend. She is the fucking worst.
She meets with Glasses and they decide that the end of the movie is seeing how her real friends react to her in the fat suit. What friends?! We haven’t seen her with one person who actually likes her (besides Nerdy I guess). Anywho, Glasses calls this “social suicide” and then asks if she’s doing this out of some obligation to her friendship with a fat girl. Charming. Glasses = sarcasm when it comes to character development, apparently.
She is first very confident at the party but then she hears Hunky and “friend” talking and starts panicking that she’s lying to more people because she doesn’t want to lie to Hunky. She tells Glasses that she has to go. On the way out some dude starts dancing with her and calling her “tons of fun” and she yells at him to just get out of her way. Her “friend” actually jumps in to say “what’s wrong with you?!” and stop him.
She dramatically pulls half of her face makeup off so she looks like a chubby girl Phantom of the Opera while she tells them off for how awful they were. She doesn’t even give her “friend” a little credit for being the only one at the party calling someone a jerk for being rude to her. It must be just another part of Skinny’s sparkling personality! (The best part of this scene is halfway through when someone at the party mutters “wait, is that Skinny??” because it’s not really obvious who the person under the makeup is)
Skinny’s dad is all “what happened? Your mom has been crying all night.” Skinny is all “ugh, not now, dad.” Who gets to choose those things?! She has said “not now” to her parents like 100 times in this movie. Dad says that she needs to talk to her mom seriously and not just the kind of “talk” where she’s snotty and yells mean things. Good advice, dad.
Skinny and her mom have a talk about it and she admits that she only ever thought of her mom’s health with regard to herself and not how it actually must have affected her mom. Jeez, you are such a nice person, Skinny! Skinny then questions her mom’s ability to parent her little brother. How nice of you, 16 year old girl. Tell me what else you think people are doing wrong! Mom tells her that she needs to have more respect and treat her parents better. Good luck with that one!
Chubby shows up at the bowling alley and talks to Skinny about the movie and how she needs to finish it and win the competition but that she doesn’t want to be her friend. Skinny (stupidly) then says “Nerdy and I may be seeing a movie this weekend if you wanna come.” But Chubby, you know, his best friend, and also the girl secretly in love with him is not interested. OF COURSE, SHE’S NOT! Skinny, you have terrible people skills!
Hunky and Skinny make up and she invites him on her “date” with Nerdy. Poor Nerdy, third wheeling on a date with two boring jocks.
The movie ends before telling us if she finished the doc and won the award. It just kind of ends. And then those creepy effects like they used in the Michael Jackson “Black or White” video morph the fat her into the skinny her. Don’t worry, her hair is gross and two-toned from a bad dye job no matter what her size is.