Okay, I am totally breaking a rule but I made these rules so they are really mine to break. This is an ABC Family Movie. Butttt, it stars Sara Rue and the older brother from 7th heaven and he’s an alien from the future (or something) who has traveled back in time to fall in love with her. Could I NOT watch this movie? Doubtful. So I figured that I may as well record some thoughts on it.
Oh my god, it opens with two future type people, or aliens, whatever, opening a time capsule in weird sweatsuits. If we’ve learned one thing from this open it’s that the costume department had no budget. The female holds up a pile of money and he’s all “that’s currency, it used to determine product worth” and she tells him that it is dated 2012.
Then there is a romance novel in there and he is blown away by the fact that it has a paper cover since he’s never seen a paper cover before. In the future everyone talks really stilted and only in definitions because in the future no one knows what love is. The computer tells Matt Camden that it can’t even define love for him. Turns out, much like his character on 7th Heaven, he doesn’t know what sex is either (bud-ump-bump!).
Sara Rue is running around her office handing out her new book, hot off the presses. She cannot stop bragging about her book. Some guy who can’t act at all, who mugs all over the place, seems very in love with her and quite open about it. Wahhh wahhh.
FRED WILLARD IS IN THIS!! He’s also a future person from outer space. He tells Matt Camden that love is dangerous and that’s why it was outlawed. Matt is sure that if he finds the author of this book that she could teach him all about love. And thus he hatches his plan to go back in time and find her.
He grabs the cash and says “I guess this should work?” and then sort of goes toward a time machine… that kind of confidence makes me feel safe about this whole thing.
Matt Camden’s acting has not improved since his 7th Heaven days. When they told him to act like a robot, he realllly acts like a robot. His sentences are like this “SO YOU BELIEVE ME THEN GOOD THANK YOU” Like that, with no pauses or punctuation implied.
Sara Rue tells some lady at the office that her boyfriend is going to propose tonight by putting a ring inside a beignet. Oh, she lives in New Orleans… but there are no accents. Okay. The lady at work is dubious and implies that Sara doesn’t love him. Sara Rue is not offended in the least.
Sara’s boss calls her into his office to say that a guy from over 1000 years in the future has asked for her to interview him. They assume he’s crazy. He probably is!
Hahahahahahahhaha, sigh, Matt Camden bumps into her and is all “I AM PAX497/341 AND YOU ARE ELIZABETH BARRETT.” He’s such a robot. She seems taken by his robotic crazy person ways. Who would ever be turned on by a guy who talked like that? “WE DO NOT USE CONVENTIONAL NAMES IN THE 31st CENTURY, CALL ME 497.” Ooooooh, sexy.
She interviews him clearly thinking he’s babbling nonsense and just says things like “that’s good, our readers will love that” totally patronizing him. He cuts right to the chase and says that in the future there is no love, passion or sex. She very smoothly coughs when he mentions the dirty, dirty word of S-E-X.
Hahahaha, her boyfriend shows up and kisses her and Matt Camden just walks up and gets his face right in theirs. Not weird at all.
“YOUR TONE OF VOICE INDICATES DERISION TOWARD HIM” He says to Sara’s assistant. You are a robot, you’re talking like a robot.
For some reason an Adolf Hitler impersonator walks through the office.
Matt Camden talks to a lamp in the office and is baffled when it doesn’t answer him. That actually just happened. Doesn’t dissuade the old lady in the office from telling Sara Rue that she should go for it, though. What?! They must hate her boyfriend if they think the cuckoo crazy guy talking to a lamp is a better catch.
She takes him to lunch. He spends the time speaking details into his watch while she looks mortified.
“AHH, YES, FAM-I-LIES.” He’s talking like a robot.
She tells him that she will not tell her readers that there is no sex in the future because that will freak people out. He’s all “WHAT IS SEX, EX-ACTLY?” She tells him that she will not be explaining that to him. Music starts playing and he’s all “I FIND THIS STYLE OF TONAL ARRANGEMENT RATHER COMPELLING.” Oh my god, the acting is so great here that I took a little video:
He eats something spicy and then freaks out and then uses bread to sop up the sweat from his face. Yup, that also just happened. He doesn’t have to be more undercover about being from future? He can just walk around yelling out things and talking to his watch? Alright, whatever you say. She tells him that he should call her later.
“I AM ENJOYING THIS MISSION MUCH MORE THAN I ANTICIPATED.” Robot, robot.
He calls her on the phone and he’s covered in mardi gras beads. How much boob has he been showing since she left??
He gets bombed on hurricanes. The bartender steals from him because he keeps gabbing about how 3200 is and living in the future so everyone thinks he’s crazy. Of course people laugh at, and then rob crazy people. Like so many drunk people, he decides that he should just go crash Sara Rue’s dinner plans because he misses her.
He crashes the dinner and it’s really embarrassing. She tells him that this is a big night for her and that he’s ruining it and he doesn’t get it. He’s stupid in addition to being a robot. She asks him to stay away from her. He has never experienced anger before so her tone of voice confuses him. He blames his behavior on the booze which is very 21st century of him.
The older lady she works with was all “eh, he was the highlight of the evening.” God, this lady wants her to bone this crazy guy so badly.
Wait, now some secret service men are involved because of Matt Camden spending $100 bills from 2012. Great.
Matt Camden stands and talks into his watch some more, this time about how pleasure and pain can come from the same source. He should listen to sad songs and dirty heavy metal songs and his love/sex education would be 90% complete!
Apparently this column that she has written like 100 words of is just so fucking good that her boss has made it a recurring, weekly column. But how will this work if he has to get back in his time machine in 36 hours?! I can’t wait to find out. How bad are the things she’s written in the past that a few scribbled words on a pad have gotten her a weekly column??
Matt Camden shows up at her office because he seems to have forgotten that he was supposed to stay away from her. He brings her a quartz rock to apologize. Quartz is the most valuable mineral in 3200. There’s some trivia for you!
He just keeps staring at her and talking about the way her eyes light up when she smiles. She’s clearly a-twitter over this sweet talk. SERIOUSLY?! She thinks he’s straight up mentally ill though. I don’t get it.
They get to work on another brief, un-edited column about nothing when he asks her what love is again. She tells him what she wishes love was. Her explanation makes it abundantly clear that she hates her boyfriend because she claims that a very basic description of love doesn’t exist. They cock their heads at each other like dogs do.
She takes him to gawk at some stranger’s weekday wedding so he can understand love better, I guess? He pays $100 for a rose for her in the park. They watch old people feed the ducks. He eats beignets and gets powdered sugar all over his face.
He asks why humans press their faces together. Yeah, he doesn’t know what kissing is either. She tells him it’s something you do when you like someone a lot. He says “I SEE” and then he immediately puts his beignet face all over hers. He’s all “OH I SEE WHY THIS IS SO POPULAR.” She stammers out that he needs to stop doing that but he doesn’t understand and she doesn’t explain it.
Sara Rue and Matt Camden get home and her boyfriend is waiting outside for her all “you didn’t forget our dinner reservations, did you?” He’s proposing but he doesn’t have a key to her place yet? That’s kind of troubling, right? She asks her assistant to put Matt Camden in her spare room over the garage. Oh god, is this how people my age live in other cities?! I need a room over my garage. I need a garage! Ack, now I’m angry.
Matt Camden and the assistant (who is also in love with Sara Rue) discuss how she’s going to get engaged tonight. Matt Camden is horrified by this prospect. So is the assistant. God, who doesn’t love her in this movie? Is it just me then?
Ew, the boyfriend has rented out a whole restaurant dining room with violinists. This is right up there with “in a live sporting event on the jumbo-tron” for ways I would never want to be proposed to. Of course, Matt Camden has snuck in and is hiding under the desserts on the dessert table. Oh god, I hate everything about this.
He has the chef at this fancy place bring out a beignet and she takes a bite and is all “oh, I’m full.” She knows the ring is in there so basically she is saying that she doesn’t want to get the ring. He tells her to take a bite right out of the middle. She opens up the beignet and takes the ring out of the cream filling (CREAM FILLING?!) and looks really sad. I am relieved that I’ve never had a beignet with custard inside.
Oh god, now Matt Camden pops out from under the dessert table and it’s so embarrassing. I covered my face so I missed most of it.
The secret service goes to the bar from earlier looking for the guy who is spending future money. The guys remember Sara Rue’s name so this can only mean good things for her.
Matt Camden shows up at her house, as he does, and she’s all “you know I’m engaged now” but he’s standing like 4″ away from her face. She says that she is marrying her boyfriend and that she’s very happy. Mm hmmmm.
This photo illustrates how close they are for a good part of this scene. It’s ridiculous! They’re talking at kissing distance.
Then the secret service knocks on the door. Dunnnnn dun dunnn.
Interrogation! It’s so bad I can’t even tell you. The secret service actor is as unbelievable as this future robot from outer space.
Hahahah, she asks the secret service what is going to happen to Matt Camden and the guy is all “Oh, he’s a big time counterfeiter and also mentally unbalanced so he’s going to be put away for a long time.” Man, don’t try to sugarcoat it or anything.
She gets to see him again and she says that his story is hard to believe and he’s all “DUPLICITY IS NOT PART OF MY NATURE.” She gives him a big ol’ romantic kiss and his robot circuits go haywire and steam comes out of the cogs in his head. She starts crying and he reacts with “YOU ARE LEAKING.” Awww, so romantic.
She leaves and just leaves him in his interrogation room. He’s put under arrest and asked to empty his pockets. He’s confused. Of course they want his watch and he gives them a lot of robot speak about how if they take it he won’t be able to return to the 32nd century. The guy doesn’t care and takes his watch anyway.
Fred Willard, in the future, transports the watch back to the future but Matt Camden isn’t in it. Fred Willard “Gee, this can’t be good.” He doesn’t actually sound worried at all. He’s also a robot.
Sara Rue tells the older office lady that she’s engaged and she could not sound less thrilled about it. The lady thinks she’s actually in love with the robot and is all excited. What is her deal, seriously?
Fred Willard somehow transmits himself into the secret service office to free Matt Camden. Turns out they don’t know how to fight but are very good at when it’s necessary. They get their watches back but Matt is all “I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF SOMETHING ELSE” by which he means finding Sara Rue and… well, I don’t know. He has ten minutes before he’s transmitted back. He could be wanting to really get that sex lesson now? I don’t know.
In a rare bit of actual comedy, Matt Camden and Fred Willard get into a car and try to figure out how they work. Fred Willard literally runs the car right into a wall and then reverses into another wall. I admit it, I laughed.
Matt Camden runs into her office all “I have to tell you something!” and then he pours his little robot heart all out to her and asks her to come back to the future with him. He’s painted such a stark picture of the future that I can’t imagine she’s too enticed.
Then the shot widens and you see that Fred Willard and her fiance are standing maybe 8″s away. That kind of changes things for me.
She says that she won’t be going back to the future with him (see what I did there??) and then the secret service busts in all “I will shoot you with this tranquilizer dart!” but they are transmitted outta there and the dart hits her fiance in the neck. Everyone is all “Gasp! He was telling the truth!” Fiance is all “Gasp, gargle, gurgle” since he has a dart in his neck. No one cares.
In the future Fred Willard tells Matt Camden that he should consider going back but he’s all “I AM TOO LATE FOR THAT” but Fred Willard understands that they have a freaking time machine and can do whatever they want and sends Matt Camden back in time to the place where Sara Rue met her fiance and has him there instead. Somehow in this trip he’s able to not seem like a complete robot. He speaks normally and doesn’t talk into his watch forever. How much time did it take to train him to do that, Fred Willard?
And they lived happily ever after.
I love these movies where ladies have to go through completely impossible things to find actual love. I have an idea for a movie that employs space, magical time traveling mailboxes, time machines, historical war, a Jane Austen novel, and ghosts. It’s going to be the biggest hit of the century!