This movie stars Cordelia from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the guide says that this single lady seeks the perfect man to spite her nemesis. Wouldn’t you want a great guy anyway? Is spite really the best motivation to find a good guy? If you just want to spite someone, get a friend to pose as your enemy’s dream man. God, I am so much better at spite than this girl.
ACK!!!! The movie has barely begun and it’s already unleashed horrible horrible titles on me.
She walks through a park where tons of people are just making out and kids are playing and then muscley looking gay dudes check out her and her friends. That was poor casting.
Jane gets a message from some dude name Kirk (or Kurt) that he’s looking forward to their date and that she should remember sun screen. Cut to! Rain in the park. Them canoeing in rain ponchos looking like wilted flowers. He’s some guy who works at her gym. He asks her how long she’s lived on the lower east side and she’s all “ughhhh 6 years” and he asks why she’s so down about her answer. Her “It’s not the upper east side.” And that’s my cue to ughhhhhhhh from my couch. And then roll my eyes.
He starts off cute but then quickly turns awful when he brings up a date with a girl who he found to be grotesquely overweight and then calls a whale while doing an impression of her. It’s implied that he asked this girl out in person; didn’t he know what she looked like before the date?
Then he tells Jane that she looks great but not in the belly shirt she wears at the gym. In a horror movie moment, one of the oars falls in the lake and they’re stranded. She yells “NOOOOOO” in slow motion. Date from hell scene over.
Jane is at home in her effing huge and beautiful apartment (shut up even more about the Upper East Side please) listening to Italian Opera and to her answering machine saying there are no new messages. When there is no light lighting up or beep beeping, I never just randomly check my messages and yet it happens all the time in movies. She hears her neighbors doing it. (They also may be the ones listening to the Italian opera)
She then opens a wedding invitation that’s to her + guest. Cut to her bitching to her friends about that. Whoa, Jane has huge boobs. I guess she did on Veronica Mars and I blocked it out? She broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years a year ago so her friends are telling her that she should be over it and out there dating again.
A waiter just came out to give them their dessert… and he’s from something. What is he from?? It’s killing me.
Oh my god. He was on a show that maybe only I watched- “Instant Star” on the N. He was an adult who fell in love with a teenager superstar singer and then had an affair with her. These are the things in my brain that have pushed calculus right out the backdoor.
One friend thinks the waiter is cute but the other thinks they’re all too good to be dating waiters (kind of snobby!). More talking about how she doesn’t want to be dating.
Jane at work, in a very fancy schmancy loft that book editors used back in 2003 but do not work out of in 2011. Some asshole she works with is all “if you’d do your job correctly it would really be easier on the rest of us.” Charming.
Her aunt calls, trying to set her up with some dude she met on the way to the incinerator. Jane is all “I don’t want to be set up.” The aunt tells her that it will be embarrassing to show up to another wedding alone (oh god, I think this all the time which is why Adam Architect went with me to the last one) so she needs to meet people. The asshole girl from before comes in and says the boss wants to see her in exactly one minute.
The boss gives her a job working on some dream book and says that if she does a great job that she’ll get a promotion. Even though she went in there expecting a promotion, getting this also seems good.
Some girl walks into where Jane is having lunch, she’s super rude and just starts talking about all her weddings (has she been married before? She looks 23) and how busy and important she is. Maybe this is the nemesis? Ahhh yes, it’s also her cousin.
The girl who wrote the book she’s editing shows up- her name is Natasha. Natasha is all “who would have thought little Janie from Forrest Hills would be my editor??” And Jane is clearly pissed. Natasha is all “I live on the upper west side with my boyfriend” so Jane lies and says that she “practically” lives on the upper east with her boyfriend. Eeeek, bad idea. Then the rude cousin from before comes up all “OMG, NATASHA!” and then invites this Natasha to her wedding even though she hasn’t seen her in years. But Natasha is a celebrity now so this asshole cousin just must have her at her wedding. If Natasha had any heart, she’d be all “your wedding sounds incredibly blase, no thanks” but instead she’s psyched and then says that she’s also looking forward to meeting Jane’s boyfriend.
Rude cousin is all “what boyfriend? She’s always alone.” And then says “with her spotty dating history you’d think she’d be shouting this news from the rooftops!” Why is she going to this jerk’s wedding? I would never even return a call to this lady, let alone spend money on a wedding gift. I guess they’re somehow related, but whatever. Fuck this girl.
Jane goes to some store to buy a wedding gift and a guy at the store is flirting with her about how annoying people getting married are. Prediction: she ends up with this guy.
Her friend comes up and informs her that her boyfriend has asked guys at his office to go out with Jane. One of them is a UES doctor but the others have various jobs… um… what does this guy do that he works with people with such different professions? This movie shows it’s age when Jane says that she has a cell phone that is only for emergencies because she only has something like 100 minutes a month. Those were the days!
Her red headed friend heard that they’ve been given the go-ahead to set her up so she has put out a APB all over town and found her some guy with a breathalyzer in his car.
Oh, this wedding is in a month. That is not very much time to find a dream man. I’ve been looking for like 10 years and have had no luck at all.
Meeting at work- Jane has to have Natasha’s book ready for an excerpt in Marie Claire by next week or something ridiculous like that. She is nervous that is too soon.
Her phone rings in the meeting and everyone is scandalized because they are so unaccustomed to cell phones being present in the workplace. Some guy is on the phone and asks her to drinks.
The lady playing Natasha is also someone from something… Oh imdb tells me that she was on Charmed, a show I never watched. And that Cordelia from Buffy was then on Charmed after she did this movie. Trivia!
She’s in the middle of a photoshoot and has only written one sentence of her book- it’s going to be a tell-all about the celebrities she’s banged. I’m not gonna lie, I might read this book.
Jane has arrived at date one and the guy is awful. As someone who has been dating a fair amount over the last year or so, this movie is kind of painful because I experience enough of this in real life and I’m not really beautiful with enormous boobs.
The guy says his friend at the end of the bar is signaling that he doesn’t think this will go anywhere so she could just leave. She leaves. That was ridiculous AND rude. I’m glad I haven’t experienced this exact thing yet at least.
Her friends are discussing how the older you get the less picky you become about guys… I fear that I have gone the other way but I do get the general point (in that I fear that I enjoy being alone too much now). Another guy calls to ask her out and they set up a date for Saturday night; her friend is all “never say you’re free on Saturday night!”.
Some guy in the place comes over to chat her up and invite her to some single’s event- he’s cute. Her friends get his number for her. Good friends.
OMG, she gets to the house of the guy who has the breathalyzer in his car… and his friend is Michel from Gilmore Girls but without the french accent. It’s blowing my effing mind. This movie truly has a little bit of everything if you consider “everything” shows that were on the WB in the early to mid 2000s.
The DUI guy is wasted and then hits on her read headed friend while she leaves.
Her awful cousin calls with like 3 weeks straight of wedding activities that she has planned. I am canceling all of them in my mind as she talks. Jane better avoid them all! She says “I am going to try to make it to as many of them as possible…” but bitch-face cuts her off to say “If I plan events every day of the week you will be there because that is part of the honor of being a bridesmaid.” Ughhhhhhhh. Then she twists the knife with “I realize this must be hard for you since I’m so young and you have no one in your life.” Time to fake some food poisoning and miss the shit out of this wedding. Instead she tells her the fake name of her fake boyfriend and she makes it the name of the doctor that she has a date with soon.
Bridesmaid dress fitting where all the ladies are asking what Natasha is like in real life and the horrible cousin is all “you’ll know because she’ll be at my wedding!” Gag me to death. They’re all “Jane, you should invite her to the shower since you’re friends with her.” She tries to explain that they’re not friends but that they are work colleagues. One goes “green eyed monster, party of one” even though it’s not appropriate here at all and makes no sense.
She goes to the park to meet the guy from the coffee shop before. He takes his shirt off for no real reason. Then she looks through her bag to find sunscreen and pops back up to find him kissing his girlfriend.
What a detail to leave out! (This one may be the most relatable to me at the moment… wtf, dudes? Do you all have girlfriends or wives these days?)
Natasha has still not gotten her chapter in despite it being 2 days after Friday now. Jane’s apartment continues to make me jealous. I took this photo just to show off part of the apartment.
She arrives at another date and the guy is screaming and throwing a fit in the middle of the restaurant. She leaves without saying hello. I am pretty sure this is the wonderful work of mister Joe Millionaire himself.
Natasha shows up to reveal that she’s pregnant and that’s why she has been hiding out. She does have the first chapter though, and it appears to be handwritten in a diary-like form, like you’d do if you were 13.
Wait, the girl at work who is a total asshole is the office manager. What is that girl’s problem? Doesn’t she realize that could get her fired?
Jane and I think, her ex boyfriend, are called into a meeting with the big boss and the boss and the ex talk about how good everything was for Marie Claire. Jane is now thinking that breaking up with this guy was a mistake now that she’s seen what other guys are out there- hahahahaha. That is a tale as old as time. In my case maybe I’m lucky that my ex is so awful that I could never think this.
The asshole office manager tells Jane that the boss wants to see her in his office and tells the redhead she can come too. They assume this means Jane will finally be getting her promotion. They get all psyched and scurry in.
Of course, the ex is announcing that he got engaged last night. Bummmmmmmmmer.
Date with the Upper East Side doctor who I think is Antonio Sabato Jr., a Lifetime staple!
They get along right away because they’re both workaholics. He says some sweet things and then also makes her see Taxi Driver (romantic?). Her “I love Al Pacino.” He shakes his head.
He is a doctor who carries his stuff in a backpack.
He kisses her in the park and they kind of look like brother and sister.
Back from commercial we see that she totally banged him and he’s sitting in her kitchen in his underwear, eating something.
She’s telling her friends that the date was good and not just good because she’s under pressure to find a man. She’s trying to get her work done though and starts ignoring them to look at her legal pad that she’s editing a book on, presumably.
She’s back at the store everyone registers at and she’s wearing her french mime outfit apparently. The cute guy is all “nice beret” and she says that she’s on the way to a themed bridal shower… french mime themed? That would be hilarious.
Oh! It is. And it is, indeed, hilarious.
Natasha brings up Max at work and how he got engaged and the bitchy cousin is all “Jane’s ex is marrying an editor at Cosmo” or something with not an ounce of worry that Jane would not want to hear it. Natasha didn’t know that she used to be with Max.
Redheaded friend asks if Jane has talked to The Doctor/Timothy/Antonio Sabato Jr. and she says that he left a message and sent her flowers. He’s a busy doctor afterall. She and her friends are going out for drinks.
Ruh-Roh, Timothy is at the same bar with a lady with straight red hair… who is pretty toe-up, but has great hair.
Jane hustles out of there but he sees her leaving. He runs out and tells her that he is busy at work and was happy that she was too… whatevers. Then tells her that she’s a great girl and she looks at him like “gimme a fucking break.” Commercial.
Her aunt busts in and starts cleaning up her place and butting into things.
She brings up the incinerator guy again, his name is Ethan. I predict that he will be the guy who works at the store she’s always shopping at and the guy she ends up with.
Jane and Natasha go over to Natasha’s house and her mom is cold and strange and then says that her dad won’t be home and Natasha gets sad.
She tells her mom about the baby and her mom is all “do you know whose it is?” Oh snap. Natasha cries and apologizes for being a disappointment to them and they leave. Why was Jane even there for that?
Natasha is all “your life is great, you have a great boyfriend and you’re an executive editor…” but none of those things are true. Jane admits that executive editor isn’t even a real title.
The guy she was supposed to be seeing Hairspray with tonight gets blown off so she can spend her evening with Natasha. The next scene though is her at the bridal shower for her asshole cousin.
If a 24 year old who doesn’t work said to me “You better not be thinking about work at MY wedding!” I would probably roll my eyes until I was blind.
Some girl tells Jane that they’re getting precious peach colored polish so she says she’ll do it. Then the girl says “on our toes too!” but Jane snaps because they’re not wearing open toed shoes so why bother. Her aunt is all “don’t be difficult.”
Then her awful cousin comes over all bitch-facey so Jane tells her that Timothy is on call the day of the wedding and can’t make it. Cousin is all “WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THIS??” like Jane just murdered her child.
Jane throws a fit and walks out, admitting that Timothy is not her boyfriend and that she is tired of feeling bad about herself just because she’s single.
Jane finds out that the guy she was supposed to see Hairspray with hates her because she never got in touch and canceled. Yeah, that’s a shitty thing to do. But wayyyy back in 2003 she used the phone book to look up his name and called every listed person but couldn’t find him.
Promotion time! She is promoted to full editor and everyone drinks champagne. Ex boyfriend tells her that no one deserves it more than her. She agrees because somehow, through this process, she’s gained some confidence.
While breaking in her wedding shoes in the hallway she meets her neighbor who is always listening to Italian Opera and having sex. It’s a short, dorky guy named Archibald. Then his leggy girlfriend kisses him on the head and leaves.
Her friends bring her coffee at 8am because they are not horrible bitch-faces.
Cut to reception where the bride is in an ugly dress and covered in a smug smile.
Natasha sits next to Jane at the wedding. Jane asks where her boyfriend is and she says that he broke up with her… actually the night before she told Jane she was pregnant. So it turns out he wasn’t being supportive and psyched about the baby at all.
Jane informs Natasha that they both need to eat $450 worth of salmon since neither of them brought the dates that they RSVPed for.
The guy from the store is at the wedding and asks her to dance… Now to find out if his name is Ethan. If so, I win the biggest prize of all, the prize of being right. I am just telling myself that since no one else is here to give me an actual prize. They dance.
Yup! He’s Ethan! I am the rightest person ever.
Jane says that there is “old school punk playing in the Carlton” and they run off to dance and it’s adorable. I have no idea what song this is though. It doesn’t sound like old school punk but despite being the rightest person ever I am actually sometimes wrong.
They walk through the same park that she kissed Timothy in and there is the same fountain behind them.
Now she’s in a boat in the lake with him. Is she just doing all the bad dates she had before but with this guy? That’s kind of weird.
The movie ends with them kissing in the boat while her friends, who are obviously not there, do weird voice over about her being in the boat with this guy. It’s strange and implies that they’re angels in heaven, watching from above.
Fin. (Which I have to assume is a nod to the french mime party.)
Yeah yeah, everyone says that when you’re not looking for someone is when you actually find them, but does it usually happen the day after you decide that? What lucky timing! I have gone through long periods of time of feeling that way (like, years) and it doesn’t mean anything really. I have a wedding in September- should I use this movie as my guide for finding a man in time? Will spite be the thing that brings true love into my life?