Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal.

I am roasting a delicious chicken, which has lured Sarah (if you’re a stranger, she’s my sister) over so I am inflicting this movie on her too. A cheerleader scandal sounds like just what the doctor ordered!

This movie starts with an incredibly suggestive cheer routine to “American Woman” that is basically a strip show with a little bit of clothes on.

At the end an announcer says “they always put on a show, don’t they fellas” which gets Sarah worked up into a feminist tizzy. This is the last real song you’ll be hearing if you watch this movie. The rest of the songs are these weird techno things where one phrase is repeated quickly like “move it! move it! move it!” for 2 straight minutes.

All of the cheerleaders are putting on makeup with their compacts when the coach comes over to yell at them. The girls just (slyly?) flip her off and dismiss her and go on with it. The girl also insinuates that she’s unattractive. This coach has had enough! She fucking quits right there, on the spot.

New coach is starting. Well, that was fast. The girls let the new coach know immediately that they are hot shit by dropping a “say “hi” to the superintendent for me hehehe” etc… She looks a bit intimidated. This new coach is named Coach Carr and she finds out that there have been four cheerleading coaches so far this year. Don’t worry, that’s not a red flag.

The other teachers have a pool as to how long this poor soul will last. She gets in on the pool to show how fun and cool she is. The male teacher says he’s the tennis coach but he dabbles in American History. How kind of him to teach a little in addition to coaching high school tennis.

Hold on, she’s not a teacher right? What does she do all day while waiting to coach gymnastics? Oh wait, Sarah says that she teaches World Geography. Haha, I missed that and it was pretty important.

She goes home and her husband is all “does this mean you’re not regretting moving here?” He gets right to the sad questions. She tells him they can get started on making a baby because she has some real athletes on her squad. Yes! You’ve been at your new job for one day, definitely have a baby now.

In a class we see that the cheerleaders run this school and the teachers just let them because they’re giant pussies. Also, the girls wear their uniforms everyday which drives me crazy! You only wear them on game days! Jeez! Sarah points out that Glee gets this wrong as well. Listen up, high school writers! The redhead (who looks by far the youngest) has the hots for the teacher and it’s really obvious but he seems confused. Sarah starts singing “Young teacher / the subject / of schoolgirl fantasy.”

The girls go see Coach Carr (what else had a Coach Carr? Popular? Freaks and Geeks? It’s driving me crazy). One says that Queen Bee’s dad lives in LA so she wants to go to USC since her dad won’t let her live with him. Whoa, that was kind of personal to just share with a stranger. Then a brunette says that she doesn’t do tumbling. What does she do then? Just stand on top of people and yell things?

Coach Carr: “Well you have to, it says so in the constitution.”
Sarah: “Don’t you remember that amendment?” (hahahaha)

So apparently the squad has their own constitution. Coach Carr goes in to see the principal when a mom comes in like a bat out of hell all “did you tell my daughter that she won’t make the squad next year because a doctor says she can’t tumble?!?!?!”

Um yes. Just like if you can no longer swing a baseball bat they will cut you from the baseball team. The coach doesn’t understand why this is hard to understand.

Queen Bee (who is also on Pretty Little Liars) complains to her Principal/mom that some non fabulous girls made the squad and are getting to choreograph. “I HATE YOU” says this Queen Bee and instead of putting her ass in timeout mom frantically tries to get back in this girl’s good graces. No 16 year old should ever have this much power.

I think the superintendent is flirting with the squad? Ew, God I hope I’m wrong.

They are so hot and so bored with everything, you guys. These guys are all over them but they’re like looking at their phones like they are more bored than anyone in the world. You’re boring, teenage boys. Yawwwwwnnnn.

The teacher gives Coach Carr the money she has won by making it to the end of the school year but she attempts to give him 20 dollars back to buy his wife some flowers. He declines because “I’m not buying her things right now.” (he has a reason but I prefer just letting that hang there because it’s a hilarious response.)

The redhead comes up and gives the teacher a cd that she made for him and it’s pretty awkward. Sarah: “Oh my god, he’s having an affair with her! Well, that’s a subplot I didn’t see coming! Or wait, maybe she accuses him even though he’s innocent… hmmm, how evil are these girls?” Then she goes back to carving up the chicken.

Summer vacation! That can only mean one thing, cheer camp in New Orleans of course!

But first! A cheerleader party with a ton of drinking and a pool with a ton of steam coming off of it. These girls are in bikinis with high heels.

A mom gets home all “what the hell??” but then is all “there better be some tequila left for my margaritas!” and lets the party continue because she’s the worst mom ever. The girls laugh because they always win.

The girls are all leaving for cheer camp and that girl who can’t tumble shows up because she has been put back on the squad. To celebrate she is wearing her “Memoirs of a Geisha” inspired wardrobe.

Coach Carr is unhappy. I am more confused because the principal has gotten the girls a limo to drive them to New Orleans which Sarah just googled and it’s 9 hours away from Dallas. A 9 hour car ride in a white cadillac limo! This principal is on some kind of rich person salary I guess.

I am having another issue here because I can’t tell the coach separately from the girls in most of the scenes. I wish they had cast someone over 22 to play the teacher. And maybe dressed them differently.

The coach is an idiot and leaves her purse (because she doesn’t want to carry it the 50 feet to the front desk?) with the five horrible girls on the squad and the next scene is that male teacher from school calling her “what were you thinking sending me that text?!?” I assume that this means he got a text saying “I am loving this affair we’re having” or something. Turns out the girls sent him a text about “hot boxing” while they had her phone. She is PISSSSSSSSSED. Also, she has no idea what hot boxing is.

FYI- the message says “I think we should hotbox.” He’s so freaked out by it. I find this message hilarious and if my husband got one I would laugh. I am crying.

Coach Carr tries to get through to a Queen Bee by telling her that being a cheerleader is about being nice, being a certain kind of person, being a leader. Sarah: “Really?” The girl is all what-ever and keeps sucking on her lollipop (sexily of course) but as the coach goes on the girl seems to get the tiniest sliver of a heart- we’ll see if that lasts.

We are trying to figure out what this scandal is going to be. Will these girls murder their coach? If so, I bet it would have been bigger news. Do they ruin teacher lives? That’s already happening I guess. So one girl here has a mom (played by Tatum O’Neill!) who is a principal and somehow knows the superintendent and so five girls just get away with murder and no one stops them? I hope everyone is ashamed of themselves.

There is a crazy cheer scene that is in strobe that is like them doing rhythmic gymnastics with confetti in the dark to a strobe light. It’s difficult to photograph. The audience goes apeshit like it’s the most amazing they’ve ever seen.

The principal tells the girls to give it up for Coach Carr but her daughter is clearly fuming that she didn’t thank her. Yes, high school senior, you’re the best person and deserve thanks at all times. She’s so hurt over this that when her mom says they should go to dinner she says “I already have plans.” The mom looks like she just got dumped.

Some brunette is being visited by another brunette’s boyfriend (whatever) and he’s some skeezy dude who she is trying to get away from. People see him kiss her though and it’s on.

The other cheerleaders jump her and beat the shit out of her (!) but she tells a teacher that she just has stomach cramps when the fight is broken up. Jeez, these girls are like wild animals.

In a classroom the redhead gets a phone call about the fight and just interrupts class to answer it and then have a loud convo.

The teacher tells her to hang up her phone but her response to that is to plug up her other ear so she can hear better. Snaps!

The girls yell at Coach Carr but she points out that she didn’t write them up, the teacher of that class did. These girls are not the brightest bulbs.

Sarah: “I like that we haven’t seen that male teacher she was friends with since that text- he’s dangling out there in plot outer space.”

Coach Carr tells the principal that she wants these girls to start being held accountable and Tatum O’Neill tells her “that’s not your job, that’s my job.” Isn’t it the job of all teachers? Is the principal really involved with all students on a day to day basis? Sigh.

The ladies go to a liquor store and then fight over who is buying the booze (none of you!). They see some dudes with beer pull up next to them and they are all over them.

One of the girls asks a guy “are you ridin’ dirty?” which sends Sarah to the urban dictionary. Ridin Dirty: Driving in an automobile while having at least a felony charge worth of illegal drugs or unregistered firearms with you. There you have it!

The girls then see a sex shop and go in while drinking 40s and the proprietor is all “you’re all 18, right?” and the Queen Bee is all “just barely (husky whisper)” but his boner gets in the way of him stopping these underage kids from entering his store. They go nuts, making their own videos of their drunken shenanigans like they’re the funniest people in the world.

Of course the video is being watched in the principal’s office the next day and the principal mom is all “who brought this to you?” Also, the video is called “FEATURED VIDEO!” as though they named it that when they uploaded it. Hilarious! The principal doesn’t actually seem to care as much as she is supposed to. Surprise! The principal keeps talking about a “central office” and saying that she’s the only one allowed to talk to them.

Sarah: “She keeps saying that she’s the only one allowed to talk to them which makes me think that it doesn’t exist.”

Tatum brings the video to her daughter and the girl is all “yeah, we’re awesome” but then “wait a second, how did you see this??” Tatum is the dumbest and tells her which kid’s mom has been showing it around. Also, it’s a video on youtube, anyone can see it, you idiots. Spoiler! That kid is in danger girl. I hope they don’t curb stomp her like they did the last one.

The male teacher leaves class and the redhead with the crush follows him (what’s her plan here?) and then she sees him consoling Coach Carr and giving her an innocent hug.

She snaps a blackberry photo like this is the scandal of the century. (Also, she is standing like five feet away from them, right in the coach’s eye-line but supposedly no one sees her)

These five four girls cannot stop felating lollipops. They just can’t.

Coach Carr tells these girls that they are awful but they just giggle and then one offers her a tampon since it’s obviously her time of the month. Sarah: “Then what’s your excuse?” Sarah and I would totally have been fired by now if we were teaching these kids.

These four wee girls circle the kid whose mom showed the video to the principal (even though the whole school has seen the video that was posted PUBLICLY) and act like they’re tough even though I could seriously beat the shit out of all of them. First I would go after the THREE who at 16 are too weak to tumble now. Then I would go for the ones felating lollipops and choke ’em. The end. Sarah points out that they are only five people and the school has over a thousand so it would be easy to gang up on them… clearly no one did this math back in 06 when it still could have helped.

The Queen Bee kind of loses her shit here and exhibits signs of mental illness that we never explore further. The victim of this beating cries and tells her friend that she wants to keep it a secret.

(This dinner turned out awesome. I can’t stop eating these roasted carrots!)

Coach Carr wants the drunk girls in the sex shop to be kicked off the squad. How dare she!

Principal: “I just heard a statistic that 80% of high school students drink sometimes.” Okay? Nothing like a little irrelevant and made up statistic to win your argument! Put that stat in your pipe and smoke it.

A parent we’ve never seen before says that the parents paid their money so the coach should just deal with it and let them all stay on the squad.

Don’t all team members sign something about conduct too? Does this school only work based on what parents think. Jesus Christ.

The next day the four assholes (the five are down one since they curb stomped one of their own) are in the tiniest clothing. You can nearly see straight up vagina. The male teacher is all “you guys can’t be dressed like this.”

The girls then accuse him of looking at their boobs and being a perv. He… leaves? I think he literally just walked out of the classroom and went nowhere.

The Queen Bee takes over the class and calls out the ex-fab five member on making monkey noises during sex until she runs out of the classroom crying. While she’s crying in the bathroom a regular, non-fabulous person comes in and this idiot tries weeping to her. Hahah, normal girl isn’t having it and tells her that she is just as cruel and awful and not better than them. I love it!

The male teacher and Coach Carr notice that the queens keep having disappearing absences in the computer. Dunnn dun dun. Coach Carr: “Could one of the girls have access to the server?” Umm, yes. Are you seriously asking this question? I bet it’s the one who has the mom who is the principal! God, I am like Sherlock Holmes. The male teacher says that he has always tried to not let these girls get away with murder despite everything happening up until now showing the opposite.

This movie is fucking amazing, in case that’s not already clear. I am love love loving it. Every scene is better than the last.

The girls are put on 15 day suspension and probation (for what? I’m not sure which thing they’re in trouble for) because THE CENTRAL OFFICE called and informed. It does exist! And the caller id just says central office apparently. Queen Bee: “Well, no thanks to you!” What a little charmer. We never see these girls miss school so I’m not sure what kind of suspension this is but I’m glad to hear about some kind of punishment.

Coach Carr complains to her husband about how hellish these girls are and he’s all “I’ve been in the corporate world, I know how it is, that’s why I went back to get my degree.” What could these words mean when spoken in this order? He also tells her that it’s just cheerleading, lives aren’t at stake. Men.

The next day at cheer practice the man teacher comes in and tells them Coach Carr is out sick so Megan’s in charge (the normal girl). The girls are so nice and helpful… haha, gotcha!

They decide to go to their car and drink a giant bottle of tequila and then drive instead.

They literally pull out of their parking space and get stopped by the school cop. Queen Bee: “Do you know who my mom is?” School cop: “Yes.” Haha.

The principal walks up to save them but the giant bottle rolls out of the car. I hope she spontaneously comes up with another stat about teen drinking that helps her get through this scene.

Word spreads that the principal caught the girls drinking and didn’t do anything. Coach Carr is fucking pissed.

Superintendent “the bottle had no alcohol in it so we can’t be sure that they were drinking.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH. The alcohol is in their bodies so that’s that, no evidence. Wow.

Coach Carr was the name of the coach in Mean Girls! Thank you, internet! It’s also the coach on Freaks and Geeks apparently. I can now sleep at night.

The superintendent just assumes that she’s tendering resignation but she blows his mind by NOT RESIGNING. They are all confused by her refusal to just walk away and let these girls run everything. What a wild woman!

Carr tells the girls that practice is canceled and that she’s informing the office. The girls are all “we’re not leaving.” Carr decides to go straight to the elusive central office. The black teacher warns her that Tatum O’Neill will be pissed that she has gone over her head.

Coach Carr and the four girls go into Tatum’s office and Tatum informs them that the brunette has been kicked off the squad and something small that I can’t even remember.

Queen Bee loses her shit and is all “SHE’S MANIPULATING YOU!” and this girl should know because she constantly manipulates her. Maybe she’s jealous that she’s not the only manipulator in her mom’s life now? Awwww. The brunette is all “my mom will be interested to hear this” and Tatum looks terrified like she’s the scared kid in this scenario. Good lord, woman, grow up!

Coach Carr gives the squad erasers in some kind of “that’s why pencils have erasers, huh girls?” lesson (seriously). The fab four are all “you can shove that eraser up your butt!” This scene never plays out so I don’t really know where she was planning on taking it. Sarah: “Like so many scenes in this movie, it goes nowhere.”

Hahahahah, a mom is grilling Coach Carr on her “inappropriate” relationship with the male teacher and then also “letting the girls get away with” texting another teacher. I hate everything about this scene.

Sarah is pissed! She is in the kitchen all “DON’T BE MAD AT HER, BE MAD AT THESE FRIGGIN GIRLS!” And then “WHY AM I GETTING SO WORKED UP ABOUT THIS STUPID LIFETIME MOVIE?!? AHHHHhhhh.” This movie really reels you in.

At practice the fab four are sitting out while the other girls learn to cheer for a change (they can tumble so it makes sense that they’d be practicing). Redhead comes in with a note for being late and then ties her shoe and we see that she has something written all over her thigh (just under her shorts but like 10 lines going all the way around her leg). It’s answers on a test!

She is hilarious and is all “I don’t cheat.” “OKAY! I cheated! WHAT OF IT??” And then she is all “I hate you! Everyone hates you!” without anyone talking in between. It’s maybe the best scene in the movie. Then she stomps out and calls her dad and tells him that the coach is picking on her again*. (* = see below)

In maybe the dumbest move ever the Coach tells her husband that the principal has asked her for a letter of resignation “as a test.” The husband is all “oh baby, you’re an idiot” because he’s getting what’s happening here. It finally dawns on her that she just resigned from her job and she goes and writes an email to clarify that it was not a real letter of resignation.

The next day the principal is all “hmmm, that’s sweet but you no longer work here.”

The Coach is cleaning out her desk when the girls come up all “aww, did someone not want you here? ” and when she goes to answer the Queen Bee says “Shut up, and just get out of our school.” Wow.

Carr’s mom (?) tells her that a reporter has called because she wants to do some kind of Cheerleaders Gone Wild story and her interest is piqued.

Coach Carr is on tv telling the local news that the kids aren’t the real problem at this school but the administration who lets them all get away with it. Tatum looks freaked out but the girls are all “Squeeeee! We’re famous!” This seems very realistic unfortunately. They get all tramped up for the next day as newly famous people.

Tatum O’Neill is talking to someone in charge (maybe he’s from the elusive central office??) about how there are no discipline issues at their school and the only problem was this unbalanced Carr woman. She then lies through her teeth that everyone will help him with his investigation.

A montage of the four girls telling this guy how awful Carr was and how innocent they are in their poor widdle existence at school. This is just 4 stories though… out of 1000+ so they can’t assume that this will fly can they? I guess they think they can get away with anything.

Coach Carr is at school to talk to the investigator but she is no longer teaching there so when she sees the Queen Bee Sarah is all “clothesline her!” but she doesn’t.

Queen Bee is all “the investigator will never believe you.” Hahahah, she thinks her voice is so powerful. Instead the coach tells the smirking asshole that with her record and online videos that USC will probably not be accepting her for the fall. The girl looks so confused like she has never heard something so befuddling in all her life.

The principal gets suspended! And so does the superintendent! She tells the girls and Queen Bee is all “DON’T BLAME US BECAUSE YOUR INVESTIGATOR IS AN IDIOT!” What a little shit.

Her mom finally tells her what’s what and punishes her and tells her that she’s pulling her out of school too. The Queen Bee cries and cries. Then she tells the other girls that they are off the squad and they won’t be back on in this district any time soon. When she gets her backbone back she really gets her backbone back.

Then it’s somehow night time and the principal and the Queen Bee are running to their car while the press mobs them. How long is the walk to their car that day turned to night? The Queen Bee looks right at Coach Carr and they share a special look… and then the Queen, very tenderly, flips her the bird. Can you do that on tv? On Louie (fx) last week they blurred it out. Shocking!

Coach Carr does not get her job back but the movie ends with her on the news saying that these kids were entitled by the lack of boundaries in their lives. Her husband: “I thought you’d be happier.” Because she’s sadly sitting on the couch. He knows that she didn’t get her job back, right?

Then she goes to a cheerleading competition four months later and smiles. The end.

*The IMDB discussions for this movie have me in tears. I think my aunt Mona wrote this one:

“When that little redheaded heffer called her dad and said that she could still cheer and that she could work off the punishment the coach should have took advantage of that. I would have made her ass run up and down the bleachers till she dropped and then I would have made her do 20,000 push ups.”

When I got to the “20,000 push ups” part I was laughing too hard to continue reading aloud.