Queen Sized.

Today’s movie is another story of chubby perseverance (a Lifetime staple) but this one is based on a true story. Exciting! It’s fairly new, and stars Hairspray’s Nikki Blonsky, so I hope the articles about the true story are still available online. (The first article that comes up is: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/549001/girl_who_lifetime_tv_movie_queen_sized.html so take from that what you will- it does say that in real life the kids voted for her as a joke though… this movie doesn’t say that.)

Queen Sized.

I don’t mind Nikki Blonsky but I did feel bad for all of the other teenaged chubby girls who couldn’t get work because she was getting all of it. There is only room for one at a time!

Speaking of Lifetime staples… Annie Potts stars in this! This movie is cut super fast, like a music video, and opens with a Blink 182 song (I think). It’s difficult to take photos of. However, when you see the font you know the movie is gonna be awesome!

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This movie is going to be narrated by Nikki Blonsky playing Maggie. She tells us that a fat homecoming queen doesn’t fit in here. Then we cut to her mom taking her on college tours but she didn’t want to go to college either because she thought it would be just like high school, which is people being mean to her. I actually think they have her in a fat suit here to make her look worse… Jeez, that’s harsh.

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Her mom, Annie Potts, pulls out a pizza box full of food wrappers and asks her if she wants to talk about it.
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It turns out that, no, she doesn’t, and she goes up to her room in a huff.

She looks at a photo of herself and imagines her mom coming out of the frame and telling her how bad she looks.

At school the other kids are oinking at her and then she talks about the popular girls as they run in gym class. The skinny girls laugh and call her “lard-ass” as she runs. This movie is shot really weirdly with like fast zooms but with a sound of “swooooooosh!” to go with them. I guess it’s supposed to be young and hip?

She overhears a pretty girl hoping to win homecoming queen in the locker room.

She’s working on homework outside when her mom gets home. She guilt trips her mom about taking care of her brother all the time while the mom works. Mom wants to go to a movie tomorrow night though and she says no problem, she’ll babysit.

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But then she envisions her mom behind her laughing that she never has anywhere to go anyway.

She calls her friend and tells her to meet her at some coffee place but she is in bed in pajamas so she tells her no. They make weekend plans. She gets off the phone and eats some hidden food in her room with much urgency.

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At school her and her friend (friend will henceforth be referred to as “Casey”) talk about their english assignment when some dudes walk up and invite them to a party- she says she’s in if Maggie is in (both guys visibly grimace at this reply) but Maggie has to babysit so they’re relieved. What nice guys!

There is a lasagna in the freezer for her brother and she’s supposed to eat a salad but instead she orders a pizza after her mom leaves. She seems to panic easily?

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She is panicking while her brother kicks a ball against the wall. Then she calls someone named “Kristen” and asks if she can babysit for her… her mom was only going to a movie though, how long will she be gone? (Don’t get too attached to Kristen, you’ll never see or hear of her again.)

This party looks awful but basically, all high school parties look awful to me. It’s edited like it’s moving in fast forward. Several people at this party are just walking around taking photos of themselves.
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Is that what teenagers do now? Gross.

The dude whisks Casey away pretty quickly (to listen to an ipod with headphones, what a blast!) while his friend is left to make small talk. She is all “let’s not pretend that we like each other okay” and he leaves. This movie is kind of proving the point in that other chubby movie I wrote up- that fat people are not well liked because of their awful personalities.

There is a dj at this party, spinning records. It’s just some teenager’s house. She is eating some chips, when a girl startles her and then takes a photo of her standing, looking confused, with salsa spilled down her shirt.
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She goes to clean off her shirt and is speaking spanish to some guy from school who doesn’t oink at her. He is a terrible actor but he seems to be flirting with her.

Casey says the guy who likes her is watching a viral video about a cat and asked her to sushi- so many young, hip things! Her friend thinks this spanish speaking guy likes Maggie and should take her to homecoming. Maggie disagrees.

Her friend thinks she should run for homecoming queen as a “woman of the people” and she jokes that will happen about the same time that Britney wins a Nobel Prize.

Though things in this movie are incredibly young and/or hip, our hero doesn’t appear to have a cell phone. She just gets home to her mom wondering where she is, old school style. Her mom exposits that the dad died a few years ago and it sucked. Maggie exposits that mom is a social worker- now we know everything! Mom grounds her for a week.

The four people left at the party are talking about what a loser this girl is and how she is crazy if she thinks she can be homecoming queen.

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Maggie, meanwhile, is looking at a photo of her dad and crying. Her dad died of diabetes and the doctor thinks she is at risk as well because of her diet and obesity and lack of exercise. That is fair.

Mom talks about the issues with her coworker. Coworker points out that you don’t have to be fat to be depressed and hate your body. So true… and sad.

People keep walking by at school and telling her “good job” until finally it is pointed out that she has been nominated for homecoming queen (as a joke, by the mean girls). And they used her salsa covered shirt photo.

Her friend is all “just drop out” and she gets really pissed and stomps out of the cafeteria. While she is in the bathroom stall hiding she overhears other people saying they would vote for her because it’s better than voting for “Liz.” Everyone hates Liz. Liz hears this too and, well, she has the same look on her face as in any other scene.

Annie Potts also assumes that she will drop out, which pisses her off and makes her run, angrily, to the ice cream place.

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Some girl sees her there and is all “I’m glad you’re running!” and she is all rude and says she’s not and stomps off again. She continues to envision her mom telling her that she’s a loser and that she’ll never win. She wants to prove the mom that she has created in her mind wrong so she decides to run. This girl seems kind of awful and like she maybe a cuckoo bird. I do not miss those hormonal teenaged years but whomever directed this is laying it on very very thick.

She is putting up flyers when Casey comes in and is all “what are you doing??” and explains that kids will just make fun of her more now. She says she doesn’t care so Casey decides to be supportive and run the campaign.

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The next scene is the girl who nominated Maggie for homecoming queen (TO HUMILIATE HER) telling the principal that Maggie didn’t go through the proper channels so she shouldn’t be allowed to run. What an idiot! The principal is all “I don’t understand how she got on the ballot in the first place” and mean girl looks like she always looks. Fatso has to get 150 signatures by Friday so all the mean girls are pretty smug, assuming she won’t be able to do that. We have no idea how many kids are in this school so I can’t tell how difficult it will be but I assume she gets them or this movie wouldn’t exist at all. However, I would kind of love it if she just didn’t get the signatures, failed and then the movie ended.

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The punk rock/anime looking kids sign her thing. The spanish speaking guy gets all the spanish speaking kids to sign. Her friend says “this will be like bitch slapping Liz!” and a bunch of people pop out to sign the petition.

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One girl with blue hair is all “I don’t care about homecoming or your underdog campaign” and Nikki says that she thought that of all people this girl would understand. She says that her running makes the assholes think they want what they have, when she’s perfectly happy having what she has and chose it. Nikki: “Not all of us chose it.” No one seems to like this girl. They are only signing her thing because they hate the other people. She’ll take it!

I feel like I had a different kind of high school experience because I was nominated for homecoming twice and I both, didn’t care about dances, and wasn’t a cheerleader. I had gotten the arty/nerd vote. I was going to have my history teacher escort me and I got in a lot of trouble. That was pretty funny. They told me that it would make it seem like we were having an affair. Yes, walking 5 steps together at an assembly = knocking boots. I wore a vintage plaid dress and doc martens (seriously). Our prom queen was the nicest girl in school who was not an especially thin person. I guess I was lucky? I can’t really imagine what this new mean girl way of school would be like, or even what going to school in the age of facebook is like. It sounds awful.

Maggie sits around eating Chinese food and talking about who signed the petition. Her mom is all “I’m so glad you’re having fun” and Maggie goes zero to bitch-face so quickly that I am reminded of vintage Brenda Walsh. She tells her mom that she DOES NOT GET IT!! Her mom is all “I don’t remember who my homecoming queen was 20 years later” because that’s the fucking truth of it. She fumes. God, she is so misunderstood you guys.

The cute guy who can’t act (like, can’t the most. Worst actor in all the land) tells her that more people signed. Casey is all “it’s amazing how many people want to stick it to Liz!” So even her friends know that people don’t actually like Maggie.

Maggie puts the signatures in her locker and locks the lock… ominous music… and then it’s dark and foreboding so clearly something is happening to the signatures.

Maggie runs up to the really old and tired looking high schooler, Liz, and is all “what do you have against me?!?!!??!” As she chases her down the hall. Wait a second, is Nikki Blonsky a little person? I mean, like… well, look at the photo.

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Liz tells her to get over and it run anyway and she’s all “I CAN’T RUN WITHOUT MY PETITION!!” Casey tells her to stop moping and just get the signatures again and make it happen. They do it apparently all over again in one afternoon. Why did it take them a week the first time?

The big nosed girl in the principal’s office is all “I guess she couldn’t do it in time” but the principal points out that this girl can’t tell time and it’s not 6 yet. It’s like 5:20. Someone should teach this girl how to read a clock. Maggie even walks up bleachers despite being so out of shape that she can’t walk up three stairs. I am all about people of all body types being happy with themselves but if you’re 18 years old and can barely walk up three stairs then I am worried about your health and that’s a shitty way to live.

(Supposedly a doctor tells her that she’d be fine if she just lost 25 pounds but I think that number is somewhat off.)

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She and her friends make it by 6 and she has plenty of signatures so big nose looks horrified. Maggie is officially nominated for Homecoming Queen. It’s on!

She and her friends work on the campaign while talking about college and how stressful applications are. The bad actor says he wants to do a year abroad in Spain and then is all “WE COULD DO THAT TOGETHER” very smoothly. Her friend makes a really obvious “squeeeee! he likes you!” face, right there. Maggie looks at him like he’s insane.
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The mean girls have a scene where they are regular people and it’s kind of sad. Also, are these two mean girls a couple? The one in green (Liz) asks if she wants to go on a roadtrip the weekend after homecoming and she is all “I can’t” and green shirt gets suspicious/jealous.

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Pink shirt (Tara) says her dad is taking her to look at colleges “up north” and green shirt is all “you’re just looking right, you aren’t going away are you?” and then the pink shirt is all “don’t worry, I won’t leave you, I know we have plans.” Ummmmmmmm, that was not a twist I was ready for.

Maggie says something to her mom and then her mom says something nice back and she freaks out and gets angry and stomps off.

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The other campaign posters at school are like glamour shots of the girls in mini skirts. What? Is this a thing now? She tapes up her homemade, regular, sign under the THREE pro posters that Tara has had made.

Nikki freaks out hearing her mom saying “fat, fat, fat, fat, fat” in her mind so she runs home and starts throwing all the food out of the fridge and panic eating a gallon of ice cream.

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This is seriously stupid and awful- I think Nikki Blonsky made a big mistake taking this role. It would be like a blind person taking a role that is a gross caricature of blindness. For a movie that is supposedly anti-stereotypes, it really promotes tons of gross stereotypes.

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She weeps and spits ice cream bits while sobbing “it’s your fault. you made me this way!! why did you let me get so fat????” to her mom. End ridiculous scene.

Maggie goes to the principal to whine about the campaign. The principal tells her to quit then. Maggie is all “oh, so you want me to quit??” And then she acts like the principal is kicking her out of the race- what? Then she says she came here to quit but now that she knows the principal wants her to, she isn’t! She’s fat and if she wasn’t the principal wouldn’t have asked her to drop out! The principal is all “um, none of that happened” but she just sits there as Maggie stomps off again. Good lord, this girl creates all of the hurdles that she overcomes. It’s annoying as shit.

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The blue haired girl is changing in gym class and Nikki stops to ask her “how do you just change, in front of everyone?” and then gawk at her, weirdly. And the blue haired girl goes “you have to stop thinking of me as the other fat girl in school.” HA!! This girl isn’t even really very big and definitely doesn’t have to shop at the plus sized stores.

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Maggie says something to her mom and then her mom says something nice back and she freaks out and gets angry and stomps off (I should have pasted this before, it would have saved time).

Someone breaks into the school and spraypaints Tara’s posters over the faces and writes “skinny bitch!” on one. It’s Liz, Tara’s life partner, and she’s probably trying to set up Maggie or something. Riveting.

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The principal gets to school and is scandalized. Maggie’s mom is called and she’s accused. Hahahahahahahhahaha, Maggie is sobbing. Good lord, get this girl some kind of medication to regulate her moods. She has no medium, all extremes of emotions. Annie Potts goes off on this principal and apparently that’s all it takes because the principal backs off.

They show students in line, voting, one says that she is voting for Maggie because she doesn’t think she vandalized the posters and and anime guy says he’s voting for her because he thinks she did. Comedy!

This girl we’ve never seen before wins “junior princess” and her reaction is adorable. Just look- doesn’t she look fun to hang out with? She’s all “Wooooo girl!”

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Then, as expected but not really supported by anything we’ve seen so far, Maggie wins Homecoming queen. Her reaction is to SCREAM AND CRY and look crazy (as per usual).

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This school voted for a black girl and a fat girl. Maybe the picture Maggie has been painting about the school has been unfair?

So much mall punk being played in this movie. Maggie is all in a satin shirt with her hair done so this crown has already gone to her head.

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Her friend says she’s having dinner with that guy tonight and Maggie gets super bitchy and is all “oh, I didn’t know you guys were a thing.” What a good friend!

Maggie is so happy that she can’t stop talking to her mom and how great things are now. She finally says something nice to her mom. Savor it, mom, because this may not happen again for many years.

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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This photo is just because that hair-do is hilarious.

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Some lady is interviewing her like she’s a famous person now. Gaggggggg. Apparently the interviewer gives her a stack of cookies so that she doesn’t starve to death during this 30 minute interview. Maggie now wears mom blouses, tons of makeup and terrible hair. Why?? Oh god, Maggie tells this interviewer, who is a black woman, that when people are needlessly mean to her it’s racist but there is nothing stopping people from being mean to fat people, so it’s kind of worse. YUP!

I hate this girl. I wanted her to be totally awesome and trailblaze-y but she’s a whiny asshole who just stomps around complaining all the time and being really selfish.

Her friend is all excited to tell her about her date and how she thinks she may actually do IT with him and she’s all “you’re not going to talk to me about my interview??”

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Her friend actually has to tell her to stop being an asshole and be her friend for a second… Ugh! Then big nose runs up all “I need to talk to you about Homecoming!” and she leaves anyway.

The mean girls are talking and Liz seems to admit that she spraypainted the posters. Tara is all “leave me alone and let me drink my latte!” Liz and some dude we’ve never seen before decide to humiliate Maggie so that Tara can win by default. That is so not leaving her alone to drink her latte, you guys.

Of course, Casey hears about this humiliating plan and tries to stop her from sitting on the seat on the float but she doesn’t listen and just goes and sits on it- it breaks under her girth and everyone laughs at her.

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Maggie cries in the bathroom while her friend says that she tried to warn her. Her friend is all “if the public humiliation is too much for you, just quit, or don’t.” Basically, everyone is tired of hearing her whine.

Liz and the guys are in the principal’s office being threatened with suspension but Liz just looks old and withered some more.

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TARA STILL CAN’T BELIEVE THEM. WHY WON’T THEY LET HER JUST DRINK HER LATTE?! Tara breaks it to them that she never even cared about winning or even running. Liz tells Tara that she hates that Liz gets everything and she gets nothing- Tara is all “maybe if you weren’t such a bitch all the time, people would like you” but Liz counters by telling Tara that she gets everything and everyone likes her only because she is pretty. These two girls are best friends and perhaps a lebsian couple- they are so sweet to each other!

Tara kisses her boyfriend but that doesn’t throw me off of her secret lady romance. Don’t worry.

The local morning show calls to book her and she goes to the local plus sized store and the ladies there are all “Hey Mags!” like she hangs out there all the time.

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The saleslady also throws out some statistics about weight in america like it’s a natural part of conversations all the time. This is also our first magical black woman of the movie. Magical black ladies REALLY love stories of chubby perseverance, it’s science.

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OOOOOOOOOOOHH. The morning show has footage of everything that has happened before but is just showing THIS MOVIE. Like this movie is a documentary that has real time footage of everything that has happened. God, that is amazing. They also call her a “local hero” which can only help her already raging ego.

This may be the worst movie I’ve ever seen. If I wasn’t recapping it I would have erased it after 10 minutes. It’s not boringly bad like that Lacey Peterson movie, it’s in-your-face, aggressively stupid.

HA! She’s on this stupid show talking about how she did everything herself and no one believed in her and no one helped her but she still succeeded against all odds- that guy who likes her and Casey are PISSED. She just lost her only two friends and possibly her mom because she’s a hideous person.

She gets to school all “did you see me on tv??”. Casey is NOT HAVING IT. She tells her to shut up and stop acting like it’s her against the world. Stop treating her friends like shit. Stop acting like you’re the underdog! I love this girl.

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Maggie sees her love interest and is all “can you believe her??” and he says that he can because she sucks. She is all “so now I’m the bad guy??” like saying a fat person is the bad guy is NOT ALLOWED.

Maggie chases down the Casey and she’s all “go be friends with Liz, you’re both awful.” And now Maggie really pulls out the big guns and tells her friend that she’s jealous of her because she’s famous.
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Did she chase her down just to be mean to her some more?? The girl is all “yeah, I am jealous because I’m not the most famous fat girl in South Carolina” all sarcastic and as she goes to walk away Maggie stampedes her into the ground. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

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Maggie gets suspended and is all “awww, me?” to the principal. Poor her. Everything bad happens to her.

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Maggie and Tara have a strange conversation in the bathroom about looks and how little they mean in the long run (they’re teenagers, what do they know?). They bond because one is pretty and thin and the other is fat and mean… I guess? Tara says that she voted for her as she walks out.

Some lady at Annie Potts’ job tells her that she looks at her own daughter like she’s a fat girl. Annie cries and cries. The lady says “she had the confidence to stand up and say that even though she’s fat she has other qualities you should admire.” Like what? Name one quality this girl has that should be admired? We’ve seen her lie, be an asshole, be totally selfish, be a bad friend and whine constantly and throw tantrums. If anything, Tara is the most likable person in this movie and she’s who we’re supposed to hate. The friend tells her she should get Maggie a great dress to make this up to her. Women be shopping.

Now she’s throwing a tantrum about how she isn’t going to the game because she doesn’t want to be queen now. Her mom has to talk her into it while she whines and complains about how everyone will be mean to her. THEN DON’T GO! Good lord.

The weird device of her mom being in her head, and on screen, telling her she’s gross in the middle of scenes is both confusing and weird. Did this girl in real life talk about this a lot? I can’t imagine how it was added to the story.

Maggie comes into some skate shop looking for the guy who likes her and has this faux-pouty thing going on to see if he is still mad at her.
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It is truly gaggy. She is all “how’s Casey?” in baby talk with sad puppy dog eyes. Gag gag gag. I hate when adults baby talk as much as I hate it when kids baby talk. Baby talk is never acceptable. He mentions that he doesn’t have a date for homecoming (it’s TOMORROW) and she is so clueless that she thinks he’s just sharing.

Big nose and Casey are in the bathroom and Casey tells her that she’s snotty and awful and it pretty much rules. Big nose doesn’t understand and just looks confused.

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A bunch of overweight people send Nikki videos telling her how great she is and that really makes her feel better about herself. What a great person she is!

Yet another magical black lady comes to their rescue and tells Annie she will help her with her hair for the day.

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Maggie is trying on her dress and we find out it’s the dress she wore to her dad’s funeral last year. How cheery!

Annie Potts tell her to come with her because she has a surprise- it’s mainly that she won’t be wearing a funeral dress to homecoming. These magical black ladies are in their house, just waiting to fix her up like blue birds in Cinderella.

For absolutely no reason at all Casey comes over and is all “I’m sorry, I miss you” even though Maggie is who should be sorry. FURY. They are friends again I guess. Now Casey just stands around while Maggie gets pampered for hours. How fun for her.

More inexplicably, the blue haired girl is at the homecoming game, clapping. Yeah, right.

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The principal introduces the queen and tons of people boo. She makes a bad speech and whines some more. People love it though, of course. How old is this love interest supposed to be? He looks good in a suit but like, someone in his 30s looks good in a suit.

She is very proud of herself and makes another faux-pouty face. The end.
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My most memorable homecoming memory is the year I went with Todd and we just went and saw Se7en and ate burgers but his mom was just relieved that he wasn’t gay. I think I was his first “date,” meaning the first girl that he told them about and dressed up to pick up. When he picked me up, he showed up in his 1963 Impala (that totally ruled) that all the old men came out of their houses to check out- just as they did, his pants fell down. Oh, 90s pants. Poor Todd. I assume that Se7en was better than the dance was.

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One thought on “Queen Sized.

  1. So, Liz wasn’t actually up for Homecoming Queen, yet everyone knew they’d be “sticking it to Liz” if they voted for Maggie instead of Tara? I think that’s some good evidence for Liz and Tara’s special friendship.

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