The Bling Ring.

Tonight’s movie is one I’ve been looking forward to- The Bling Ring! About the teenagers who robbed celebrities by looking through magazines etc… and seeing what they owned and then waiting for them to be out of town.  Excellent!  

Read all about it here.

(Then two of the girls got a show on E until they were sentenced, in case you didn’t know)

Today I am doing the blogging with my friend Kelly who is manning the camera.  We are in LA where a storm happened all day which surely means the end of days must be near (and also that I am in sweats and watching movies).
 

The movie opens with a scene of a guy an a girl in a closet dancing around in clothing and tiaras and laughing while taking photos.  

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Then it’s clear the guy is watching the video of it on his laptop and not actually living it right now.  

The mop top blond boy is served his dinner by his mother.  Kelly points this out- she walks around the table and scoops everything out onto his plate.  Then he asks his parents about night clubs.  Methinks this group doesn’t know a lot about nightclubs.  Kelly frantically tries to get a photo of his dad to illustrate this point.  

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He sees all of his lady friends at school and they’re in their new clothes saying “I think we need to go back!” so they can make more money for the future.  

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Cut to- them robbing another house. He puts a dress into a bag and the asian girl is all “that’s a 7 thousand dollar dress, fold it!”  A small dog comes in that they’re calling Tinkerbell so I am pretty sure that’s our cue that this is Paris Hilton’s house.  Paris Hilton comes home!  They just kind of hide in the closet and then lurk out and no one notices… okay, that’s a bit crazy.  

Cops! One of them is the dad from My So Called Life who I effing love.  YES!  They’re saying she gave them an itemized list of the stolen items but there were no signs of a breakin.  The cop who was not the dad from My So Called Life acts like Dad Cop is new to Hollywood and needs to get used to this crap. I’m not positive but Dad Cop may in fact be getting too old for this shit. 

The news briefly implies that Paris Hilton may have made up this break in to get attention.  The news in LA is so great.

The teens go through all the clothes and jewelry and then go sell the items on the Venice beach boardwalk.  A 7k dress for like 100 bucks, great idea kids (on wiki it says they made thousands on the Venice boardwalk, which I find hard to believe).  A cop asks if they have a permit and the Asian girl flirts him away.  Crime is so easy breezy!  

Some blonde girl walks up all “you guys are like totally famous!” and tells them that she knows someone who would buy this stuff for more money.  

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They take some signed Louboutin’s to this skeezy dude and he’s all “Paris Hilton just lost some signed Louboutin’s…” awkward silence.  They barter for an invite to his awful Hollywood parties in addition to 10 grand.  

In the next scene they’re in an awful Hollywood party and remember they’re 17 years old.  They’re so starry eyed and happy and then the dude who bought the stuff from them brings them a bottle of champagne and holds a toast to them.  

Blond boy, who is named Zack, is on the web looking at “30Z” and other vaguely familiar websites (30Z = TMZ. Tabloid math).  

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Asian girl says that she thinks they should do Audrina next and he says the blogs say she’s out of town- a plan is hatched.  Kelly is all “who the heck is Audrina??” Yeah, who is Audrina… it’s hard to explain. Ahh well, three years means a lot in Hollywood time.

As they’re breaking in (this group often just found an unlocked door or window and never broke anything) they take photos and pose and laugh.  

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In this way, this group of teens is not unlike the nazis.  Like the last house, they find a wad of cash in the drawers again.  The dude sees a videocamera in the room and they all cover up and put their hoods back on.  

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Audrina posts the video to youtube and the kids are all “we’ll be fine!”  They’re even stoked because their video got 100,000 hits in one day which they say is “better than Beyonce, on a good day.”  They’re so famous!

The cops are baffled by this video, as anyone would be.  They’re all “why are they taking photos??” Yes, why are they taking photos??  Teenagers are idiots.  

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Zack’s mom is cleaning his room and vaccuuming under his bed.  He’s supposed to be like 17. I fear for the woman he dates when he’s older. Kelly says this is a mom tactic they use so they can snoop. Fascinating. She’s not very good at snooping I guess because her teenage son has robbed several homes and she has no idea.

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The blonde girl brings her friends over so they can all look at the stuff they stole from Audrina.  Definitely invite more people over to brag about your crimes.  Good idea.

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Zack’s parents have the saddest birthday party ever where they sit around a lit up cake in the dark while their son doesn’t come home.  

Son visine’s his eyes and I am told that apparently he stole pot from Audrina as well and was smoking that.  He realizes he missed the saddest birthday party and feels guilty.  His mom runs a giant guilt trip all “you missed your father’s birthday for the first time in your life!”  In reality shouldn’t she be pissed because he never came home and is a teenager living in her house??  Good momming on this one.  

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He gives his mom a ridiculous necklace and she’s all “how did you pay for this??” and he lies and says he works.  She says all he does is go to school and hang out with those girls all day.  Mom pretty much has his number.  The necklace melts her angry heart and she forgives him.  Moms are so easy.  Okay, Kelley gets home (yes, everyone I know is named Kelly) and thinks this mom is a famous person… she’s done a bit of research of and it’s JENNIFER GREY! Holy crap, I would never have guessed. It also turns out the talent is kept in the nose bump. Listen up, ladies.

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He takes some cake and flowers to his grandma in the old folks home and multi-tasks by stashing some of his stolen goods in her closet.  What a sweetheart.  

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Dad cop, who is still handsome, is reading MovieWatcher to learn more about Hollywood and crack this case.  His tween daughter is mortified when he starts talking about Brangelina.  Hahahahah.  

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The teens keep hanging out in the horrible club like they’re super cool.  Zack is wearing a silver suit- how cool is he?!  They are all drinking martinis like they’re 50 years old.  These kids are very proud of themselves.  

Zack spots a new girl and is all “who is that?” His lady posse tells him she doesn’t matter but he says she does and then goes over to her and tells her there are two schools here and he goes to the lame one but she goes to the good one. I’m confused?  

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This charms her though.  God, he’s so cool that he can’t help but seduce women.  She invites him to get frozen yogurt at the frozen yogurt place she works at.

The sleazy guy who buys their stolen goods got a message on facebook looking for “souvenirs” and is all “what’s wrong with you people?!?”  He thinks they’re idiots who need to be more careful. They don’t get it and don’t think that they’re going to get caught.  They have no fear at all.  The sleazy guy who owns a Hollywood club has more fear and morals than these kids. Chew on that.  

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Dark security footage of a new house… The girls play dress up with some scarves and dance around.  They even pause to eat and drink out of the fridge.  They’re leaving when it looks like one of them left their phone.  

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Zack finds it and puts it in his pocket and then chews some gum and throws the wrapper on the ground and walks out.  Do they just want to get caught??

Dad Cop is on the case! He thinks this is a ring.  They take a hot new dress but leave a 17k painting.  They eat food out of the fridge for god’s sake!  17 break ins 6 months sounds like a particularly insane number to have to get to before the cops think “hey, these might be linked?”.  

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They eat at the mall food court and delight in their crimes and how funny they are.  They are starving from all this work they’ve been doing!  

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A girl comes up to their table because she thinks they are on a reality show and they could not be more stoked.  They have never been happier than they were when the fifteen year old girl who works at the mall thought they were on a reality show.  FAME!  

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Zack has frozen yogurt with the new girl.  He likes her.  I mean, he does seem to hang out with girls all the time who are not his girlfriend.  That’s a bit weird for a teenage boy I think.  The Asian girl STALKS him (because she put a tracking device IN HIS PHONE) and is all “I tried to call you but  you didn’t answer.” Seriously.  She did that like it was no big thing.

 

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She is panicked because the police are starting to connect these crimes and have nicknamed them the “bling ring.”  Oh wait, she’s not panicking, she’s excited because being in the paper is SUPER EXTRA FAMOUS. 

Dad Cop’s daughter thinks he’s so cool because he’s working on the Bling Ring case.  The daughter is all “I would love to get my picture taken in Audrina’s bedroom!”  The cop makes a face like “ack, my daughter is the dumbest… wait! This crime must be committed by idiot teenagers like my daughter!” 

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The cops make a facebook profile immediately because that’s the fastest way to find teenagers.  They don’t even put a photo or anything!! No one would write back to this- it looks like spam bot.

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The Asian girl is now stoked and wants to rob Lindsey Lohan.

 
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One friend is concerned because of the whole cops being onto them thing…  The rest of them think she’s being lame.  Yeah, stop being afraid of 20 years in prison, you wuss! They wonder where Zack is.

Zack is seeing the yogurt girl again.  They’re having a weird convo where she tells him how cool he is a few times.  “You’re the kind of guy my parents tell me to stay away from.”  Ooh la la, he’s so getting laid.

Dad Cop approaches Zack in the parking lot of the school and asks if he’s the guy he can see about some souvenirs.  Zack is all “do you have a warrant??” and acts all paranoid which is very smooth and totally fools the cop.  Oh wait, the opposite happened.  Dad Cop gives Zack his card in case he wants to talk, then sees his floorboards have gum wrappers on them.

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In a very weird scene, Zack’s mom (Baby from Dirty Dancing, remember) says that she thinks he’s on drugs and he just cracks up laughing and flops all over the stairs.

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This really makes him look like he’s on drugs.

Asian girl is so pissed at Zack because he’s being A WUSS.  His wanting to not be arrested is pissing this girl off and she’s not going to take it!  God, she’s so weird.  How dare he not want to go to jail!  She tells him that he made a commitment to the group and to man up and rob another house with her.  What?

He lays in bed with his new macbook gazing at Dad Cop’s card.  He finds the cop on facebook and is all “why no picture of your kid?” and then has a convo with the cop via facebook.  

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Why?!?!  The cop looks as baffled as me. The cop also apparently uses his work ID photo as his profile photo. He peruses Zack’s facebook and finds the Asian girl.

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The rest of the posse shows up at the new girl’s house and is all “we’re going clubbing, wanna come??”  Don’t trust this Asian girl! She’s an evil robot!  Too late, she gets dressed up and gets in the car.  They get her drunk and then tell her they’re going to Lindsay Lohan’s house.  

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She’s all drunk and giggly. ^^^^ the best photo ^^^^

 

Zack is in bed when he gets a text, presumably from yogurt girl asking where he is.  They drunkenly stumble into Lindsay Lohan’s house and are all “did you disable the alarms?” and one goes “do you hear an alarm??”  Yes, silent alarms do not exist to these girls.  

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Yogurt girl is vomiting in the most famous toilet.  She wants to leave so they’re all “go then” and then laugh at her.  Zack walks in and grabs her and says he’s taking her home.  Even drunk, this girl is smarter and better than everyone else and is all “what’s going on?? they’re robbing people!” 

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The cops have photos of all of them in their party dresses walking through Lindsay Lohan’s house like they own the place.  Ladies, you are busted.  The cops arrive at Zack’s house and he’s all “I don’t know why they’re here, I swear!” to his parents.

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Zack is all pissed off at the cop and saying “you never wanted to help me!!” as though this cop is an asshole for arresting him.  Dad Cop points out that he gave him a warning and he kept right on stealing.  Zack is all “hmmmm, yes, I did do that” and just stands there.  

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Zack’s dad does not know how he can show his face at work tomorrow.  Kelly says “I don’t know… just show it?” Kelly = ice cold. 

Then they go to the other kids’ houses. The blonde is laughing when they arrive.

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Dad Cop is googling, oh wait I mean “searching” for these teenagers on the internet.  The girls are being found as an “access denied” message pops up.  How does that work? I’ve never seen a page go down as I’m looking at it.

Baby, from Dirty Dancing, is being interviewed and she looks totally different than usual.  She is all “people always blame the mom.”  

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Zack goes over to yogurt girl’s house and her dad is all “are you kidding me?”  Hahah, her dad rules.  Yogurt Girl says she’s being accused of robbing Lindsay Lohan’s house.  She’s rightfully pissed.  

Asian Girl is nonplussed when Zack sees her and is all “why did you get Yogurt Girl involved?!?”  

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Asian Girl wants to rob Orlando Bloom before she goes away.  In this case “goes away” = “go to prison,” right?  Definitely steal a 500k watch before going to prison.  It will help you get ciggies in there.  He has only just realized that she is an awful person, even more awful than himself.  

FYI, these kids, who say they are poor and need money, live like this:

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Zack calls Dad Cop and wants to strike a deal to keep Yogurt Girl out of this.  He attempts to get rid of more things while his mom learns that the necklace she’s been wearing is stolen goods.  Whoops. The sleazy Hollywood guy has come over and let her in on that and also made it clear to leave him out of everything to the cops.

He goes to one of the girls and she’s freaking out.  

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He tells her that the cops haven’t come to her because she was not on any of the tapes and he needs her help.  He says if she helps him that he’ll say she didn’t do any of the jobs.  

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Dad Cop sits alone in a coffeeshop, stood up by Zack?  He decides they need to “hack into” facebook and twitter to bring this group down.  Or just look at their photos on facebook?  This reminds me so much of when Law and Order attempts to explain things like facebook and blogs and just use “hacking” to mean anything done on a computer for all of the old people watching at home.  Myplace and slambook forever.  

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The cops have photos of all the girls with little taglines like “fashionista” under the Asian girl.  “They’re all online.”  “That’s how they keep track of each other.”  Kelly dies laughing.  Dad Cop is right when he says these kids don’t think they can get caught.  Also, Asian girl has bought a ticket to Vegas. Someone needs to tell this girl that Vegas is in the US.  

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They’re all at a big blowout party and the cops are out front and have an undercover inside.

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They go inside and raid the place while all of their suspects are outside and so they just run back outside like nothing happened.  The people outside don’t hear about this because they continue going to asian girl’s car.  The cops are all “she has a facebook locator!” and track her that way.  What the effing eff is a facebook locator?  Is this something you can find when you “hack” facebook? 

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They go to rob Orlando Bloom’s house while the cops are outside the party.  Dad Cop is baffled by how stupid these kids are.  You and me both, Dad Cop.  Oh wait, they tricked the police.  I am wondering how the police are this stupid and didn’t solve this crime for so long.  There were photos and videos!  

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Zack takes the 500k Orlando Bloom watch to the sleazy Hollywood guy and then a photo of the watch goes up on facebook.  Busted!  I guess?  I don’t get this entire scene. Didn’t the guy expressly ask to be left out of it or he’d hurt Zack’s family? This seems counterproductive.

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Asian girl is heading to Vegas when the cops drive up all “you’re under arrest” and she’s all “did you talk to Orlando?? Did he say anything about me?”  That is depressing as hell.  

Zack is getting arrested at his house now.  He tells Dad Cop that these were the first friends he ever had in his life and that’s why he did everything.  Then he says he posted his confession on youtube last night and it’s already got 90,000 hits.  Well now that I know it got 90k hits in one night it all sounds worth it…  

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The movie is ending with Zack’s youtube video of his confession.  He doesn’t seem to regret it because he got to be cool and hang out with hot girls a lot.  

The end. 

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