Drew Peterson: Untouchable.

What a snow day I’ve had! I cleaned out all my kitchen cabinets (scarily overdue) and made grits for the very first time (raging success) and trudged in the freezing cold to the gym only to find it CLOSED. The horror. No worries though, I managed to live.

Now I’m snuggling in with a blanket and the premiere of Drew Peterson: Untouchable starring Rob Lowe. Another Lifetime movie about a person who killed their wife (or wives) and who maintains their innocence. I enjoy this guy more than boring, boring Scott Peterson because he seemed to love the attention he got and also because he didn’t arouse any suspicion until his FOURTH wife died. Yes, fourth. If I remember correctly he also got engaged during his murder trial. God, there are some women out there with issues. Women who write to prisoners and then get engaged to murderers who kill their wives, those are real issues.

Also, Rob Lowe is a three dimensional person, unlike Dean Cain.

And of course when I think of a chubby 50 year old cop/murderer from the midwest I also think “Rob Lowe!”

Hahahahahahhahahahhahahha

My camera is still broken so these photos are an adventure.

The movie opens with Drew Peterson being miked up for a tv interview and someone asking him why he’s been married so many times. He’s a romantic! Awwww, what a sweetie. I’m going to mail my underwear to him in prison.

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EWWWWWW, then it goes to a scene of him having loud sex with some lady while a little kid walks into the room and looks horrified. Ack!! It gets worse, he shows the kid some full frontal so that the kid will “understand why they call me big daddy.” I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE! The lady (wife?) is all “have you been to a locker room lately?” and instead of taking that sweet burn in stride he subtly threatens to leave her. Fragile ego on this one.

I guess that scene was to show that sometimes he and his wife got along because that is the only scene of it’s kind… and even in that scene it was creepy as shit and also he threatened to leave her. Those were the glory days of the third marriage.

He goes to work and starts flirting with a girl who is maybe 21? She asks her friend if she thinks he’s hot and her friend goes “no, he’s like 50.”

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^^^^^ Flirt face ^^^^^^

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A police party where Drew gets fancy and puts on a Hawaiian shirt. The wife is fighting with him about his pouting and being a pain in the ass and he makes a hilarious joke about her period- timeless. At the precinct he shows her a new prison cell and is all “we could try out the cot” and she goes “you probably already have.”

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So he locks her in the cell out of annoyance. Another cop is all “what are you doing?” and the wife asks him if he has any idea how much she hates him sometimes.

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(sorry for the blur)

Now he’s with the 21 year old riding a motorcycle really fast. HHAHAHAAHHAHA, he tells this girl that he owns a plane. She buys it. This must be the draw to dating idiots. They don’t call you on your shit. And they don’t know that cops in Indiana don’t own planes.

He comes home and his wife throws a bowl of cereal at him and says she knows he’s cheating. He calls her insane and says he’s sick of her shit. This movie is amazing.

Next scene- he gives the girlfriend keys to a car and she’s all “whoa, you bought me a car?!” He’s all “no big deal, I’m just super rich and generous” and she swoons and asks if he wants to make out in the backseat.

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When he hugs her it looks like a dad hugging his daughter in a car commercial. (I am assuming he steals a lot from the drug dealers he busts to afford this stuff)

Her sisters roll their eyes at her horrible choice in men.

Oh, now he’s sneaking her into his house (that has lights on) to bang her. He says no one will notice. She is worried but also giggling. They go in the cellar door.

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In the morning he comes into the kitchen all “let me guess what my wife is upset about today?” like she’s a crazy shrew. She tells him that there is a letter in the mailbox telling her that her husband is having an affair. He calls her dramatic and also implies that the letter is more of her “crap.” In case you were wondering, he’s put on a bit of a Chicago accent for this role.

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He goes to the girlfriend’s office and is all “My wife got a letter, you better not have written it!” but she is not afraid of him, they’re still in the first month haze. She loves him and also the baby of his she’s about to have. Awww, they’re starting a family. How sweet.

The cops in the town don’t help his wife at all since he’s a cop. That kind of shit makes me so furious.

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He’s moving out of his house into a house with the girlfriend when the wife pulls up. He’s all “where’s the camera, if she starts going ballistic I’ll need some evidence this time.” I just love when men behave like horrible scumbags and then go “whoa, you’re so crazy!” when the women get angry. Or bring up their periods. I want to claw out this guy’s eyes with my hands right now and I never met him. (insert joke about my menstrual cycle here).

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^^^ SEND IT!^^^

The wife tells the girlfriend that she feels bad for her because she actually believes this asshole is a catch. Why exactly do women fall all over themselves for this guy? He’s not good looking, he’s not charming… they have not made that make sense yet. The wife drops the foreshadowing bomb “you’re gonna end up like me.”

Flash forward to the baby having been born. The girlfriend is all “now we can have more fun on the wedding night!” and her sister gags to death. Her friends still don’t like this guy and think it’s gross to be with someone 30 years older. HOLY SHIT! I just looked this up and she was NINETEEN. I was being generous when I said 21. She would only be 26 now. She could be Kelly Lynn- scary shit. And he’s two years older than my dad. And they had a baby while he’s married to another lady.

Also, this makes it even funnier that he referred to her as “half” his age. Double 19 is 38 and he’s 50. Nice try, Big Daddy.

Oh, it’s their wedding day. Her sisters are talking about how she loves him for his money (what kind of shady cop is he to have so much money??) but she says the money is about to go away when his divorce is finalized but he chose her. How do you get married before your divorce is finalized?

She carries the baby down the aisle and everyone is really jealous about how Drew Peterson is such a stud and lands all the hot babes.

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Another scene, like the first one, of him on a news show. He’s being asked about the 18 domestic dispute calls the cops answered at his house when he was with wife #3 and he claims they were to protect him from her. He follows it up by saying that doesn’t think anyone he knows has ever seen him angry. Because he is a robot? What human being has never been angry?

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Hahaha, his kids have nothing to say to his 19 year old bride. She pouts. Also, he appears to be wearing one of those fake bellies they put on women to make them look pregnant in movies. He tells her not to worry because she’ll soon be the best mom. Shouldn’t he already be lying to her and saying she’s the best mom ever? Isn’t that what having kids is all about?

She says that he shouldn’t put his clothes right into the wash- he should put them in the hamper. His eyes fill with rage as he considers how he could murder this one when the time comes.

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HOLY SHIT. I just realized that I am only 18 minutes into this movie. So many scenes have happened- this movie is testing my typing strength.

He has the kids back at the mom’s house and no one is answering. He tells them to walk back to his house while he figures out where she is. Did he move like 3 blocks away from his wife? That must be fun.

He calls a neighbor to go in because he claims that Kathleen is always accusing him of things so he can’t be the one going in. What a misunderstood soul. The neighbor finds Kathleen’s naked body in an empty bathtub. Why did he assume she was inside and just not answering the door? Wouldn’t you assume that the person wasn’t home first?

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Drew runs in and after a minute he realizes that he should appear more upset. Nice save!

Someone from the Herald asks him some questions and he says this is a pain in the ass. Is his hair blonde and gray? What is going on with this wig?

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The police question the new wife, Stacy. She says they went to bed the night of the death at 10:30pm. She also says that she’s pregnant again and that questioning her is stressing her out and that’s bad for the baby. Ha. Anyway, he just tells them that it’s been ruled an accident and she is all “WHEWWWWWWW, thank god, because I thought my husband killed her” with her face.

Flash forward! The other baby is about to be born and wifey wants to go say hi to the new neighbors. She has baked something for them. Drew is all “you have two babies and these two boys, why do you need more people?!?” like she’s going to leave him for the neighbors. She seems to just go without him.

The neighbor offers to babysit when the wife says that with four kids she almost never gets out. She also walks the neighbor right by Drew’s old house and says “this is where they found the body in the bathtub.” WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? She also weirdly says that Drew used to sneak her into the house while he was still with his wife. The neighbor’s horror face is amazing.

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She’s all “what??” that’s a terrible thing to do!” and wifey is all “nah, it made sense… wait, now that I think about it I guess it was horrible.” Aww, you’re growing up. And realizing that you’re married to him now and he’s probably doing the same shit to you.

Drew is telling some criminal at work about how awful it is when your wife gets knocked up because they get fat and bossy and the person you fell in love with never comes back. “Big, fat, sweaty monster.” Charming.

He just lets the criminal out of the car because he finds out that his wife’s water broke so he’s going to the hospital instead. Okay. No wonder crime is never solved in this town.

The baby is born and it’s a girl. He seems super psyched about that despite how shitty he is to women. He gives his wife a new cell phone and tells her that she needs to make sure to answer his calls by the third ring. She goes “are you serious?” But he is. She stands there.

She seems to only talk to the neighbor and only ever tells her inappropriate things. She makes some comment about Drew not letting her be happy that sends the eyebrows up again. I’m glad she at least has one friend.

One of the older sons is graduating (from middle school?) and she is there with a camera ready and says that she wishes they’d get to him faster because she has to nurse the baby and her boobs are gonna explode.

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Drew is all “why would you be talking about your boobs here??? What guy do you have on the side that you’re worried about your boobs for??” He then misses his son graduating while she’s the only one who cares. These poor children. If Oprah was still on the air and I was a producer there I would have an episode featuring these four kids now.

There is a bbq happening at their house but he’s inside checking her phone. He goes “I’ve worked undercover so I can read the signs and I can tell that you’re cheating” and that just shows what a shitty he cop he is.

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Then he says he’s checking her email and she says that he can’t just do that. He says that he paid for the computer so he can do whatever he wants and then he shoves her into the tv as the neighbor walks in. He is all “how’s the hot dog situation?” and then goes outside. Wifey tells the neighbor that he just threw her into the tv but she’s going to make more margaritas. Neighbor looks baffled as we head to commercial.

Wifey wants to do a little part time work for the neighbor and he’s all “it’s a slap in the face” and that no man would want his woman to work. She says that he’s outdated and that she worked when he met her. He’s all “I said I’d take you away from all that.” She continues to try to convince him that working 10 hours a week is not a sign that she’s going to leave him

At the grocery store Drew calls the neighbor all “is Stacy with you??” and she says yeah, they’re at the grocery store. Stacy overhears this and runs to the car to get her phone before Drew gets mad. Neighbor tries to tell Drew to relax but it goes nowhere.

Drew and his partner spy on Stacy mowing the lawn because Drew is sure she’s luring men into her mantrap just like she lured him. She’s just mowing the lawn. He’s creepy. She sees them drive off.

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^^^^^ Look at this fat, sweaty, monster! ^^^^^

The deceased wife’s sister comes by to see the boys and Stacy is afraid to let them go with her because Drew didn’t tell her it was okay and she doesn’t want to get into trouble. The sister is super pissed and says “I think we both know what happened to Kathleen” which makes wifey pause. Neighbor comes over and Stacy goes “Kathleen was the same way, coming over here and saying nasty things to me…” Oh girl, put two and two together. The person being mean to you is your husband- the things these women have said have just been true things you don’t want to hear.

Phone call- Stacy’s sister has passed away. She is at the funeral with none of her kids or husband (her dress is super cute though- anyone know where it’s from?). Oh wait, the husband is there, but he’s standing in the background and not interacting with her family or comforting her.

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He walks up and accuses her of sleeping with her sister’s husband. She is sobbing over THE DEATH OF HER SISTER. She says “you’re disgusting, I can’t even look at you right now.” He smiles smugly like he caught her. I assume there are actual crimes going on right under this guy’s nose that he’s not smelling if he’s this good at detective work.

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He climbs into bed and asks her how many times she banged him. He also says “don’t forget I know you’re not the kind of girl to let marriage stop you, you whore” WOW! He’s throwing back in her face that she ever banged him. You could never win with this guy.

He holds her down and she tells him that she wants a divorce. He continues to hold her down and he says that she’s not going anywhere- she agrees and says that she’s staying but that he’ll be leaving. She rubs salt in the wound by saying that his ex wife was right about him and about everything. This scene is making me nervous- firstly, he’s in control and holding her down so it’s not the right time to drive his anger up to 11. Secondly, they’re in bed and she’s in underwear so it all has a vaguely sexual undertone that is not pleasant at all. For whatever reason he just lets her up and stands there looking baffled. Whew, I’m glad that’s over.

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How much stuff in this is just made up? One of the writers also wrote a book about Drew Peterson so I assume a lot of research went into things but it’s in my nature to question it.

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In the morning he puts his arm around her and is all “I was stupid… you wouldn’t break up our family over one stupid fight would you?” and she is all “one stupid fight?” She seems to be still on track for leaving him but he’s acting like nothing is wrong.

Ohhh no. In the next scene she’s having lunch with a guy she dated in high school to ask him about how brave she was when she was younger and he’s joking around about things she did when Drew saunters up to the table. She looks terrified and the friend is all “is there a problem officer?” He then stands over the table and dares them to finish their lunch while saying that she’s banging this guy. It’s uncomfortable to say the least.

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He drives her home in the squad car and she says that she’ll have to get her car eventually and that he can’t just keep the keys. He says that she won’t be leaving him and he won’t be losing another house (this is what happens when you get married FOUR times, asshole) and then kicks her out of the car.

The neighbor sees her sitting on the curb and asks what’s wrong. She says that he won’t move out and that he’ll probably kill her.

She talks to a priest about how she has to leave him (they’re religious?? when did that happen?) and he says they need to come in together. She says that she’s terrified of him. END SCENE.

She lays awake in bed and then gets up. Drew asks where she’s going. She says she’s going to help her other sister paint her apartment but that if he’s going to freak out she doesn’t have to go.

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He says he’s not going to freak out, all super calm. That’s more freaky than him freaking out. Then he gives her a ring and the next thing we see are the kids downstairs listening to them fight. I’m not sure what about this particular ring made her so mad and apparently I’ll never know.

News scene saying that this was the last day he saw her alive.

Her sister comes over looking for her and the neighbor says she hasn’t seen her either. Drew comes outside and tells them that she has left him for another man. HAHAHA. He forgets that some people actually know her and know that she doesn’t have another man. They’re so confused and then the kids come outside and they know something is fishy. She wouldn’t leave the kids- she just wanted him out.

Neighbor: Wait a minute, Stacy would not leave those kids behind. I know her. Those kids are everything to her, she wouldn’t leave them behind.
Drew: That’s what I would have thought, but that’s what she did. And I don’t think she’s coming back.

Riveting dialogue. Commercial.

So wait, half of this movie is going to be the trial? I hope the trial is great then because I watch a lot of Law and Order so I am not that easily impressed by trials anymore. If that last dialogue was any indication, I’m worried.

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The neighbor and the sister give a cop a statement. They are all “I knew this would be useless since he’s also a cop.” God, being with a cop sounds like the worst thing ever. He says he isn’t in the same city and doesn’t know Drew so he won’t be defending him.

Drew tells the cops that she’s probably on her period because once a month, like clockwork, she picks a fight with him. Women be menstruating.

The cop is all “she hasn’t even been gone 24 hours, she’s probably not gone for good” and he tells the cops not to hold their breathe. He claims she’s probably on an island with her new man.

The sister makes a move and goes to the newspaper and says she has an interesting story for them. I am going to call this a good move right now. I may be wrong, let’s see. Cuts right to Matt Lauer footage when he talked about it on the Today Show. I guess it got the word out quickly so I was right, good move.

Drew lets the local reporter in since he has talked to him before. He says he’s making breakfast for the kids and it’s been a while. He can’t seem to find anything in the kitchen. He totally doesn’t think anything big is happening and that it will blow over. The reporter informs him that murder doesn’t usually blow over and he’s all “nah, those cops all know me.” Oh dang, some cops come in and serve him with a search warrant.

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It’s blue and says SEARCH WARRANT across it so it must be legit.

Drew goes to the neighbor’s house and pulls her into the bathroom to “talk.” He opens with “it’s been a long time since I banged a girl in a bathroom.” He can really read a room. He then tells the neighbor that he loves Stacy and wants her to come home. She cannot squirm out of this bathroom fast enough.

Justin, one of the kids, is basically catatonic. Drew is all “he’ll be fine” like it’s no big deal. She tries to make him feel better by saying not to worry and that the police are working on it- Justin goes “no one should talk to the police” like he’s been coached. Neighbor tells him that everyone should be talking to the police while Drew sits there and smirks.

Now the 3rd wife’s sister shows up on the scene to point out that this isn’t the first of his wives to turn up missing. The reporters all flock to her. He’s pissed.

Yes, damn her! Can’t a man kill in peace in this neighborhood? He’s pretty uppity for someone who’s guilty of killing two wives.

More Today Show footage. The neighbor brings the kids home from school and he thanks her. She tells him that Justin asked where mommy is a bunch of times. She thinks it’s time to talk to the kids about her not coming home. He says that he thinks she’s still coming home and she bluntly tells him that she won’t be coming home because he killed her (not in those words). He says that the bitch side of women always comes out eventually. He also says that she will never see his kids again.

Now he’s revving up his motorcycle and leaving the house while the reporters watch. Who is watching the kids now?? Oh dang, his brother attempted suicide.

He goes to the hospital just to tell him that he’s a loser who couldn’t even kill himself right (not in those words).

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Drew walks through the reporters, filming them and telling the attractive women how hot they are. Everyone is skeeved out.

He pops by the office all “who wants my autograph??” like he’s famous. His partner informs him that he’s going to be suspended. He’s all “it’ll be fine” like he’s been mildly inconvenienced by twisting his ankle or something. He jokes about fucking with his supervisor to the partner and they have a laugh.

This poor guy is going to have to sell his plane to afford a lawyer. His friends are all “wait, you don’t have a lawyer yet??” They should wonder how he has a fucking plane in the first place. Oh, and then why he keeps murdering people.

They re-did the autopsy on the third wife and it was deemed foul play because of all the bruises on the body etc… how did the first autopsy miss something visually obvious like that? Was it a friend of Drew’s or something? Or did they just bury her and move on because the town couldn’t afford an autopsy? These important answers are not something this movie will be bringing me.

He’s on a radio show now. He keeps sticking to this story that she left him for another dude. He also tells the amusing anecdote (FOR THE FOURTH TIME IN THIS MOVIE) about how she would always threaten to leave him when she was on her period. The men chuckle knowingly. The DJ says that he’s going to find him a woman who will stick with him. Oh god. He says she’ll have to be hot because he’s only into hot women.

The news asks him what’s happening with his dating contest for the radio and it turns out it was canceled since he’s a murderer and all.

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He’s at a bar with his friends and they’re asking how he’s going to get laid without the radio contest and he says he can bang anything. He scopes the room and then zooms in on the youngest one in the bar. The neighbor says that he loves young girls who are insecure- I wonder why?

ENGAGED AGAIN! That’s the next scene. The news saying he’s engaged again to a single mom who is only 23. He’s moving the new lady in when the neighbor hammers a new sign into the ground about Stacy’s death.

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Why hasn’t he been arrested for the murder of wife number 3? Didn’t that autopsy come back a long time ago? The timeline of this movie is so strange.

The neighbor now talks to the priest and he’s all “that’s strange because she told me something about Drew” and it’s her saying that he left the night that the 3rd wife turned up dead. Thanks for talking now, father! Oh, and the neighbor is religious? Why all this priest action? In the flashback Stacy is crying and telling the priest that she thinks he killed the last wife.

New lady overhears that the priest will be testifying. She runs out of the house. Does she have her kid in this murderer’s house? He is all “don’t leave.” She says that she can’t believe how stupid she’s been to let him cast a spell over her. He tells her that she’s to blame for MAKING him fall in love with her- and he says it real menacing like. She’s outta there.

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He’s opening and closing the neighbor’s garage to scare her. She says she’ll change the code tomorrow and he asks if she thinks that will stop him.

Neighbor: Going to prison will stop you.
Drew: I’m not going anywhere. I’m untouchable, bitch.

Commercial. Okay, that was hilarious.

Drew Peterson on Larry King Live- they edited in the Rob Lowe footage into the real Larry King Footage.

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Where could he have hidden the body in broad daylight?? It’s bugging the hell out of me. He’s not that smart.

He calls his suicidal brother and the neighbor overhears him saying that he doesn’t want him out there talking to the cops. The neighbor calls the cops.

Brother (Ethan from LOST) talks to him in the squad car. They aren’t real brothers apparently but it’s not explained further than that. I am betting that Ethan is wearing a wire. He asks Ethan if he would still love him if he knew he killed someone and Ethan says that he thought he killed the other wife. WOW! That is some shit right there. Instead of being offended, Drew thinks this means that his love is true.

Drew gives Ethan from LOST his phone and asks him to hold onto it but he’s not to answer it. Of course, it rings the next day and says it’s Stacy calling.

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ETHAN WALKS INTO A ROOM AND DREW IS IN IT WITH A BIG BLUE BARREL- INSIDE THEIR HOME. This scene is so fucked up… I can’t even… and apparently this is real. I just looked it up! Ack! He called his brother and was all “come over” and had him remove the body with him- and it had been in the house for like six months and he had another woman and kid in there. TRIPLE ACK!!

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Okay, Ethan was not wearing a wire but the police were following him so they show up to his house to question him about the big, blue barrel the next day. Everyone in the media is wondering why no one has arrested this murderer yet. I am wondering the same thing.

He tells the kids he’s going out to get luggage so he can go to Vegas to be a TV star- they are left alone to watch themselves. As soon as he drives a block they swarm in and arrest him. He’s very blase about being arrested for murder.

Anderson Cooper is so great. (Anderson Cooper footage is being shown right now)

He makes jokes to the state cops about how he was going to be a state cop but his parents weren’t related so it didn’t work out. Nice move. Cops love that shit. Then he shows them the full frontal wiener and does a strip tease.

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SOMEHOW THE BODY HAS STILL NEVER BEEN FOUND. It was in a giant blue barrel and then moved- where could it be?? They saw where Ethan went with him. It is scary how bad detective work is in most of this country. They also searched the house and didn’t find A GIANT BLUE BARREL so I am guessing he had it somewhere else and then moved it back to his own bedroom. I want to give the cops in this town a little bit of credit.

THE END. The movie ends with him having women visit him in the prison to flirt.

My interest in becoming a detective is re-ignited. Having to be a cop first will always be the hurdle that gets in my way. Do you think I could be like Castle, on that show Castle, and just tag along with detectives because I’m such a beloved writer? Does that happen in real life or only on shows like Castle?

Also, we’re all wondering why Rob Lowe did this movie, right? I mean, he’s on a hit show. That may be the biggest mystery of all (after the whole missing body thing).

4 thoughts on “Drew Peterson: Untouchable.

  1. I adore this! I feel like I watched this with you. Of course I like you now more than I liked that movie, but you’re still here! Let’s be friends! Visit my blog! We’ll have slumber parties and do each other’s hair.

  2. Pingback: My Year in Movies, 2012 | The Sense of Right Alliance

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