Bad to the Bone.

In Kansas City and I’m introducing my friend Valorie to the wild world of Lifetime Movies. She doesn’t think she’s ever watched one before! Her first question was if I watch these because they make me laugh. Pretty much!

Bad to the Bone.

This one is from 1997 and stars Kristy Swanson, our first Vampire Slayer. It also has the lamest free font this side of comic sans. Yowza.

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There is a prison guard walking slowly through prison while Kristy Swanson, all done up, packs quickly.
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Some little kid is all “Camilla?” and she seems to just leave and leave that kid alone in the house like it’s nothing.

Meanwhile the police arrest a London brother who looks overwhelmed (their normal look).

Valorie: I know her! Didn’t she sleep with someone on Skating with the Stars? Someone with a pregnant wife? I vaguely remember it. Google that.

I googled it and it’s true. Also, Kristy is who forwarded a sexy email to the wife so that she’d know about the affair. Scandal city.

The London is named Danny. He sits in court while we learn that the lady they’re waiting on has skipped town despite being assigned to court today. Can you just do that? Danny is all “I WON’T GO AGAINST MY SISTER!” but we have no idea what that means yet. Then he gets on the stand.

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FLASHBACK. Things go to black and white so we know it’s a flashback. He’s telling a story about her cutting his hair which can only be really important to this court room testimony, I assume. His sister is all sexed up and calling him a virgin and cutting his hair while rubbing her bare midrift on him. Just like a sister!

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Valorie: What sister acts like this?? Also, this story doesn’t seem to be about anything, the jurors are probably dozing off. Her gross boyfriend pulls up in a Jeep and honks and she’s all “he’s kind of gross but I’m going out with him anyway, cover for me!” And he does because afterall he might be the last virgin left in the 12th grade.

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She’s now giving herself a pedicure and gabbing on the phone- is he still testifying? Do judges just let people ramble on about their sisters painting their nails? The mom is all “this handbag costs $300! Where did you get this?” and Kristy Swanson is all “I guess I did something really well…” with a baby sex-kitten voice.

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The mom is not pleased. She tells her it’s time to focus on her future and stop going out with different guys every night. Also, this girl’s name is Francesca. Francesca does not want to get a job- how droll! She mocks people who work at fast food places because they’re so lame.

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There is definitely something weird and sexual between her and her brother. They’re at the mall and she licks her ice cream cone all sexy like. She then gives her brother the car keys and is all “don’t worry, I’ll get a ride home” because she saw some guy taking on a cell phone which = $$$ in 1997.

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She walks over and drops her ice cream on his thigh and is all “Oh! I’m sorry!” and then starts rubbing his thigh. Valorie: what was he doing at the food court on his cell phone anyway? It’s true, he wasn’t eating. I think he was showing off his sweet, sweet phone.

Virginal Danny might go to college at the U of Wisconsin. Mom is happy that at least one of her children isn’t a low paid prostitute.

(The lady playing the mom has been in a lot of things, including “The Extra Man” recently. And Rayann’s mom on “My So Called Life.”)

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Cell Phone Guy walks her into a really smoky, small club and she’s so into this. She didn’t even have to wait in line to get into this crappy dive! “Are you gonna ask me to dance or do I have to go hit on another guy?”

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Cut to them doing it on his animal print sheets. She knows how to wrap idiots around her finger.

They are just sitting in the front seat of his car and she’s all over him while her mom watches.

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Mom gets angry and Francesca is all “remember when my step dad used to beat me!” (yes, she goes directly to that answer) and the mom tells her to stop lying. Frankie then throws a lamp at a wall and it shatters because she goes from zero to unhinged in 4 seconds flat. The thing is that this girl both loves lying and is crazy so it’s hard to know if we’re supposed to believe that her step-dad actually beat her.

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Now she is in front of a hundred candles doing it with her super cool boyfriend and telling him that he’s the one for her. When do people have time to light all these candles? She says she wants to be with him forever. Valorie: Ugh, ew.

Now she’s out with her boyfriend and she gets a call on his super modern and cool cell phone. They’re on the way to the “mall.”

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^^^^^^^^ an actual “mall.^^^^^^^^

OH NO! Their mom has died.

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She’s screaming and freaking out while her brother tries to console her. What the heck? How did her mom die? Oh yeah, she was gunned down and robbed in her own living room in broad daylight.

Funeral. She’s all up on her brother’s neck breathing that they’ll be okay.
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Some loud hammering breaks the silence and Danny goes out there and it’s Francesca’s boyfriend hammering a for sale sign into their yard. AT THE FUNERAL.

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They’ve never even met- how serious of a boyfriend could this be? She’s all “I need help selling the house.” DANNY IS PISSED. He doesn’t want to sell the house. Mom hasn’t even been dead a week. She tells him that he’s being selfish. What? Her eyes start to go crazy and Valorie points out that she’s also wearing a lot of fake hair. She seduces him into seeing things her way, as usual.

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Valorie got the camera ready because she thought there was about to be some sweet sweet incest but it stopped before a kiss.

The cops want Francesca to come down and answer some questions. Yes, they called her at the funeral to ask her that. She says that when her mom was killed she was driving around looking for apartments with her boyfriend. The guy cop looks like Barney Fife.

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The lady cop up in here is quite suspicious and giving her the side eye. Turns out that the step-dad left mom 500k and now it would go to the kids. Francesa is barely containing her happiness at this news. Lady cop continues eyeing her. Oh but her brother won’t be 18 for three months so the money will just go to her. How convenient.

She and Waldo (yes, this cool guy is named Waldo) are in bed but she just can’t focus on him… she says that she’s all confused because the cops questioned her.
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She says that she needs an alibi and he’s all “don’t worry, you’ve got it” and then they get back down to doing it. He never once questions her need for an alibi. He just wants some of that awesome sex you have after someone has just killed a person I guess.

TWO YEARS LATER! She and Waldo are living in some fancy loft and she’s wearing a two piece maxi dress with matching fingernails. Tres chic.

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Danny calls and is all “can I stay with you guys for the summer?” and she says Waldo is okay with it but she clearly hasn’t asked. Then she hangs up on him while he says he loves her. She can’t be bothered with this dude even though she’s the only family he has left.

Valorie’s reaction to this beautiful new look Francesca is sporting:
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Now we know that she and Waldo bought a club and it’s losing like 20k a week. He seems upset about this but she is nonplussed. She’s all “ehhh, we’re fine.”

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He finally tells her that they’re broke and she says “HOW CAN THAT BE?” because she has no idea what happens to money once you spend it. She blames him for her spending all of that money. How dare he let her do that.

Valorie: What is up with this chick’s midrift? It’s in every scene.

Her midrift is the supporting actress in this movie.

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She says that it’s time to trade Waldo in for a younger model so she goes and starts flirting with some random guy at the bar and then stays out all night. Waldo is waiting up for her in the morning and says that she owes him for the life he’s put together for her. Wait, he now says “I LIED TO THE COPS FOR YOU.” Two years ago!

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He’s been holding onto this one for a long time. “They never did find her killer, did they?” So for two years he’s been living with this girl thinking she murdered her mom and is only using that fact as leverage to make her stay with him. Good to know.

Danny arrives and sees them fighting. He kind of wrestles with Waldo and it’s pathetic.

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Francesca totally goes to say goodnight to him in a white lacy bra and an open robe. She’s all baby talk and Valorie is all: oh god, I gotta get a photo of this, ewwwww.

Francesca baby talks to Danny some more in the car and he’s all “does Waldo treat you right?” And she babies that there is nothing she can do about it and she bats her eyes at him. It’s clear that Danny is going to murder this guy for her by the end of the scene.

The next scene tells us that Waldo isn’t even this guy’s real name. His name is Steven but Waldo was a nickname that stuck and he thought was “cool.” Yes.

Francesca tells Danny that he needs a haircut which is code for their sexy alone times, right?

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She reminisces about their childhood while she cuts his hair. Even her hair cutting outfit is bare midrift! Valorie: I don’t see any hair coming off of his head.

Okay, she’s thought this through. She tells Danny that Waldo would break into their house and snoop around and found out she was worth half a million dollars so he called and hired a hitman and had their mother killed. Danny is all “WHAT??” Oh, and he treats Francesca like a slave. Okay. She says now he gets to have all the sex and money that he wants while she’s a slave. Pout, pout.

Danny is all “Let’s go to the police! I’ll kill him” and she’s all “don’t say such things” but in reality she’s saying “oh yeah, you’ll kill him alright.”

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She gets into an animal print nighty and rocks Waldo’s world loudly enough that her little brother can hear her through the wall. Nothing weird about that.

She comes out, post-loud sex and tells Danny that he should go back to school and wait for her call so there won’t be anything suspicious. This is what he sees:

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What happened to his going to the police idea? He leaves and she sends him a package that HAS A GUN IN IT and I guess instructions on how to kill Waldo and make it look like a robbery. Danny, who was a nerdy college student a second ago, is all “okay” to murder now. This girl’s boobs are powerful.

He flies into town, that’s not traceable right? and she says he has to kill him and then fly away on the 6am flight after throwing the gun in the river.

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He goes and hides in the garage and totally shoots Waldo! It’s nuts!

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He freaks out while his sister is calmly on a date, sipping champs (who the hell is she on a date with??). He calls her on Waldo’s car phone, totally freaking out and instead of being nice she’s all “YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER” and hangs up while Valorie takes a photo of her giant vintage cell phone.

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Of course Francesca comes sobbing into the crime scene all “he’s not dead is he??” and doing her best to vamp it up like a sad lover. The lady cop from two years ago is there and she’s all “deja vu.”

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Francesca goes into her loft and Danny is there! He did not catch that 6am flight. His eyes are all puffy and he’s freaking out.

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Well, at least murder didn’t agree with him. She calls him stupid and tells him to hide.

Lady cop takes her down to the station and Francesca is all “I don’t think you should be on this case because you’re incompetent. You couldn’t even solve my mom’s case and it was a simple robbery. You didn’t even have a suspect!” That’s ballsy of her. Lady cop smoothly says “we had a suspect.”

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Francesca just stands there and then goes to get a cab. That’ll show her!

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She goes to take Danny to the airport while a cop tails her (of course) and he’s telling her about how horrible it was. She says to just imagine how their mom felt when he gunned her down. Notice that before she said he hired a hitman but now she says he gunned her down. She’s not keeping her lies straight.

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She says “you saved my life!” and then kicks his ass out of the car post haste. The cop shows photos to the lady detective and she drinks in this delicious turn of events. “She certainly does have power over men, doesn’t she?” Commercial.

The cops show up at Danny’s school (in Wisconsin) to arrest him and he says he’s not Danny and then runs. Smart move, kid. The cops pull up on Francesca and she’s cool as a cucumber since her plan is to blame Danny for everything.

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The cops are asking Danny why he was in town for just one day. Then they’re asking Francesca if Danny liked that she was tearing up the town with Waldo right after their mom died. She goes “yeah, maybe he was jealous, you know men.” HE’S YOUR BROTHER! Ugh, so gross.

Danny breaks in like two minutes, surprise. Of course he did, he’s been crying for two straight days. He’s a delicate flower and she’s a horrible person. They arrest them both for murder and while she’s being fingerprinted she sees Danny in the hall. “No one told me he was here!” Yeah, he’s been here all day and he’s confessed. She bursts through the door and yells “WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM, DANNY? KEEP YOUR DAMNED MOUTH SHUT!”

Valorie: Well, now you guys definitely look innocent.

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Their lawyer is all “I don’t want to know what happened, I don’t care what you guys did.” Nothing like a shady ass lawyer. The lawyer tells Francesca that the case against her is circumstantial but it will cost her about 20k to get out of it so she’s free to go until trial. She says she barely has that much- She just had 500k + a house two years ago. Holy shit, that makes me so mad. People are so stupid.

The lawyer tells her that if she doesn’t pay him that he’ll seize her club. She brushes him off and leaves. Most likely to abandon her brother and never see him again.

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She goes through like 8 fake IDs in her house and sees a picture of a hot young rich guy in the paper and I guess picks her new mark. Why does she have all these IDs? Is she a career criminal but the movie hid it until now behind haircuts and pedicures?

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She finds him in his building elevator and gets in his apartment within like 1 minute. He has a daughter, which she wasn’t counting on. He’s all “actually I have to take her to her mom’s.” She’s all “what about after?” Valorie: you’re gonna do it!

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Sure enough, cut to them doing it and him saying “are you trying to kill me?” Not yet! But probably soon enough. Be patient.

At breakfast she’s weaving some tale (it’s been three weeks apparently) about her family owning all this real estate in Dallas so she can’t start something up here since it’s all tied up so she’ll just need 20-30k from this guy. He’s not listening at all but reading the article about her in the paper (that he doesn’t realize is about her). She gets pouty and is all “are you even listening?” He says yeah but seems like he’s not into just giving some lady he’s known for three weeks 30k. She’s not used to an actual businessman. He says he’ll think really hard about it but he’s smirking because he’s thinking about boners now.

The lawyer calls and is all “were you ever gonna talk to me or pay me? Also, you should see your brother! He’s been in jail for three and a half weeks…” She hangs up on him.

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She goes to see her brother and he’s a broken spirit. Her baby talk doesn’t give him instant stars in his eyes like it used to. She’s slipping.

She is in a nightgown and badgering this guy about giving her that money. He’s all “no, this is business” and she stands there with her rack looking really sunken in and sad.

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Then she pouts about how she actually has no money and he says he knows. He did a background check on her… but all he has is her fake ID so I’m not sure what he found. He then says that he wants to be there for her forever. This movie is basically painting all men as idiots.

In the morning she’s supposed to take his kid to school and this is the first scene of the movie. She’s just robbing him and leaving and leaving a 5 year old home alone to fend for herself. Cool.

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In court Danny is out of sexy haircut stories so he finally says that Francesca told him that Waldo killed their mom and was holding her hostage and the next thing he knew he had a gun and Waldo was dead. And like that he’s sentenced to 100 years in jail and so is Francesca.

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But she’s on some island flirting with another rich guy. Valorie: why isn’t she in jail? Isn’t she up for conspiracy to commit murder?? I DON’T GET IT.

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She goes swimming in this ocean and this new guy says that it’s like silk “it’s a great big washing machine for the soul.” Valorie dies and repeats it over and over and makes me quote it. He says it washes away your sins and she opines “I wish! lol” She tells him a weird story about watching her brother die on a hike and how horrible it was and then she’s all “just kidding!” And tells this guy that he’s too easy and then laughs. He looks totally freaked out but then he lets her start living with him I guess. I guess her rack is back to optimum hypnotizing speeds again.

I have no idea where they’re supposed to be but I thought it was an island.

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She sees the paper and it has her photo in it as a murderer at large and then she’s on America’s Most Wanted and freaks out and goes to run away but her beach boyfriend shows up and is all weirded out. She says she has to go. He calls her Rachel.

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She hitchhikes into a semi driven by the gym teacher on Glee. He says he’s going “south” and that’s enough for her. You can’t hitchhike off an island so… I don’t know.

Back at home the lady detective tells Danny that Waldo had told his friend years ago that he had lied for Francesca because she had no alibi for when their mother was killed. He’s all pissy because prison has hardened him I guess.

Frankie moves into some weekly motel and thinks about how she did all this just so she could avoid ever having to work. Was it worth it, girl? It lasted two years. Should have gone to college.

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She can’t afford her $20 a night motel and the skanky motel guy tells her she owes him money and she’s all “I’m willing to work it off.” Valorie gags and I cringe. This guy says he’d prefer the 20 bucks so maybe her reign of terror IS over. Her boobs aren’t even working on this weirdo.

She goes for a walk in the rain with her nips out. Sad nips of despair.

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She calls the jail and is all “Can I please speak to Danny Wells” and the cop is all “oh okay” and goes and wakes up Danny and tells him he has a phone call. Valorie: is this how it works when you call jail?? It’s more like a boarding house in this jail. The warden is like Mrs. Garrett but less suspicious.

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(even while sobbing into a phone she takes time to make love to the camera)
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He says that the worst part isn’t that he killed an innocent person or that she killed their mother but that he was just another guy to her. THAT’S THE WORST PART! Holy shit. While he is very sad in most scenes, how gross they are as brother and sister never stops being gross.

He tells her he won’t be forgiving her for ruining their life. They’ve been on the phone long enough that Florida police are driving up to her phone booth.

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She’s under arrest. THE END.

The greatest oversight in this movie is not using the song “Bad to the Bone” to score it.

3 thoughts on “Bad to the Bone.

  1. does anyone know what song is playing in the begining scene. i can’t find out the name of the song or who sings it. it’s drivin me crazy. please help.

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