15 and Pregnant.

Very special movie day with Chadd and Carla. Chadd was such an instant convert to these movies that he started texting me to request future ones after just reading the blog a few times… HOOKED.

In his honor I dvred a classic that I saw years ago. “15 and Pregnant” starring a sixteen year old Kirsten Dunst with Park Overall as her mother. Kirsten Dunst chooses to play the part of a pregnant teenager with as much bitchiness as an early season Brenda Walsh. It’s fascinating- she’s the one who made the mistake… and she hisses at everyone else to shut up while she slams doors. I’m so excited to see this classic again.

The movie website.

The movie opens with teen sex happening in the dark. To techno-y rock n roll music. “Don’t say you love me, if you don’t” she purrs. The guy just doesn’t, and then he bones her.

^^^^ I want you guys to know that Chadd thought that might be Kirsten’s boob which means he expects way too much nudity from tv movies but also he expects very little from Kirsten’s boobs ^^^^

Now we’re at the house in the morning and the kids are bitching and the dog is eating from the table- what hustle and bustle!

Kirsten puts some toilet paper in her underwear… and is all “FINALLY.” They actually show bloody panties, ew. Also, if you see the title of this movie you know this girl has a baby in her.
WARNING: GROSS!

I think Park Overall makes copies for a living. She’s collating thousands of papers while complaining about how annoying her bratty daughters are. Chadd can’t believe this movie aired in 1998. He thinks it’s a conspiracy and it was actually made it 1991. These production values are not impressing him. Also, how everyone wears overalls.

“Carla, did people look like this in 1998?”

The bad kids are down by the railroad tracks drinking booze. The dude Kirsten was doing it with tongues his bottle of booze and it’s so gross.

However, that’s a mixed signal because he now is saying that it’s time to slow down because the “coach” is “giving another chance.” The nerve! He revved her engine and then pulls this shit?? She’s devastated.

She is with her friend and she’s relieved that she finally got her period. Her friend is all “you guys used condoms, right?” She says something so hilarious- in church group they said that if you have birth control that it’s like admitting you’re planning to do it so she never bought any.

What kind of logic is that? She has sex with this guy multiple times, why not admit that you’re planning it? I don’t get church group stuff but I’m assuming it’s a mix of something stupid being taught and then this girl being stupid in addition. Then she says something so mature- “I really wanted to have a boyfriend for my birthday!”

Oh wait, Kirsten is just now turning 15 so the sex before was hot, hot 14 year old sex (barf).

All the kids sing in the choir and some dude tells their dad that Kirsten’s voice is a “gift from the angels.” Whatever you say, dude.

Mom is all “did you borrow my baggy pants again??” and Kirsten gets all snotty (surprise!) and yells “fine! I’ll never borrow anything, EVER again!”

Kirsten puts on the button down shirt that she got for her birthday and her mom is all “aren’t you supposed to tuck it in?” and of course this girl goes “IF I CAN’T WEAR IT THE WAY I WANT THEN HOW IS IT EVEN MINE, MOM?!!?” Then they drive to school and there is some talk radio show where a lady says “in my day kids in the 7th and 8th grade were not allowed to have babies.” Did they drown the pregnant kids in her day?

Park Overall asks Kirsten if she or anyone she knows has had sex and she’s all “ughhhhh, mom… yes ” and then shuts the car door and goes to school. This cliffhanger does not please her mom- what was she admitting?! Mom freaks out to her work friend about it basically saying that her kid is so stupid that if she gets pregnant she will be totally screwed (hahahaha, yes, her kid is stupid). Work friend says her daughter is smart and in college and yet having a baby has not been easy for her either. This mom implies that her daughter should have had an abortion and Park Overall can barely contain her judge-y eyes (see below).

Kirsten is worried because she’s only been spotting and not having a real period. Now she and her teen-mom friend are at planned parenthood? I have no idea where they are but it seems like some kind of clinic. A redhead named Laurie is the friend (oh, this is the work friend’s daughter?) and there is a video of a hunky dude picking up a baby in a field of flowers and Laurie calls this “a crock” because when she had her baby there was no hunk and no field of flowers. Kirsten is HORRIFIED at this news. She shoots her a snotty look and asks if her baby is always pooping so much.

Now they’re at home and the baby makes everything really stressed out. Kirsten is pretty freaked out by this scene because she’s apparently never heard a baby cry before. She kind of breathes out that she’s pregnant and then leaves the room and the longer scene is it raining while we watch through the window as everyone stands around.

Yes, focus on the part where you stand around.

A really slow scene where the mom sits on the ground at home and the dad comes home and slowly walks up to her, looking sad. What’s happening here? He doesn’t live at home anymore but they don’t appear to be divorced.

Laurie and Kirsten have some talk about babies. Kirsten is all “I don’t even know why I had sex with him, he pressured me” despite him not pressuring her at all in the scene that is shown to open this movie.

She freaks at any mention of abortion… and screams despite a baby being asleep in the next room. Kirsten goes “ugh, does this mean I’ll have to give up soccer?” God, that would be THEE worst, am I right?? The baby cries and she bitchfaces “ew, does she always do that??” Oh girl, you are a child. The child that woke up this baby with your yelling.

Now her siblings are PISSED at her. Her brother apparently has to go to live with dad because this pregnant teen is running the house. The sister is all “EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!” I don’t really know when they learned she was pregnant but apparently mom told them… Chadd thinks it was off screen. Her siblings hate the shit out of her because she is the worst. This scene is a parade of hilarious faces though:

Kirsten is so worked up she runs to her room and rage brushes her hair.

Chadd could watch forty more scenes of rage brushing, he’s dying. Then she holds her stuffed horse and looks thoughtful.

Her mom sits with her and is all “how did this happen? How could you get kissed and me not even know it?” Chadd wonders if “kissed” is some sort of religious term for knocked up. If only any of us were religious, maybe we’d know? Carla and I don’t think it’s a thing.

Christmas day! Kirsten is morning sick and the sight of the turkey only makes her vomit. The family is all tense and fighting (as appears to be the usual) when the doorbell rings. It’s Ray! From the other side of the tracks!

He’s smacking his gum and wondering if Kirsten is home… mom is all “get out of here… We’re having Christmas dinner,” really evenly and freaky.

He leaves. Kirsten comes downstairs all “who was that?!?” and then freaks out on her mom all “YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!” and then runs outside and chases down his car, fruitlessly. Does he know she’s pregnant? I don’t think so. Maybe he found out in the same off-camera scene her brother and sister found out in?

Park Overall and her friend workout in the worst, basement gym with asbestos falling all over them. WTF? Chadd points out the visible insulation in the shots.

Weird filler scene with the little sister and her friend eating pizza and discussing how to get more presents when your parents are getting divorced. Chadd thinks this kid has modeled her look after Angela Chase.

The dad wonders what Ray is going to do for this child. Park Overall: “he’s 16, what’s he gonna do take her away on his skateboard?” Zing!

Another scene with Laurie, who clearly wishes she had aborted her child, complaining about how shitty it is to have a kid. She brings up abortion (again) but Kirsten won’t do that! It’s a SIN!!! Okay, that’s settled.

Kirsten is going to see Ray and is putting on tons of makeup. Laurie gives the most amazing advice- “don’t get your hopes up, he’s just a guy.” That advice works for so many situations.

Kirsten walks up to him and you guys, he is so from the wrong side of the tracks. He has a chair on his porch! And a Firebird. How sexy. No wonder she knocked those boots.

He knows she’s pregnant and is all “I’m glad we’re getting started young.” HOW DOES EVERYONE KNOW SHE’S PREGNANT? She is so relieved that he’s into this so she starts to kiss him.

He’s all “hold on baby, I didn’t say we were getting married or anything.” Yeah, calm down. This porch chair isn’t going to be yours just yet, girl, cool your jets. He knows how to tighten the reigns.

Kirsten is playing soccer so I guess the baby hasn’t cramped her style too much yet. Chadd reveals that watching pregnant women do things like this stresses him out.

The dad meets the school counselor and finds out about some homes for unwed mothers. The dad flips out and is all “don’t you think you make it too easy for these kids??!” Yeah, it’s the school’s fault. Also, what teen is so attracted to living in a home for unwed mothers that they run out and get knocked up? Stop glamourizing things, homes for unwed mothers!

Now Kirsten is apparently in a class with other pregnant girls so I guess overnight she got more preggers? I don’t know. They’re in a trailer on the school campus, I think.

She bonds with another girl who is due in June and has a boyfriend who looks 13 but is really nice to her, unlike the way Ray generally behaves.

Ray is outside with his Firebird to pick up Kirsten for her teen pregnancy class. Park Overall is pissed and barely contains it. Chadd thinks the short fuse in this family is genetic.

At the class Ray just guzzles orange soda directly from the big bottle.

When a girl says “I heard sometimes people poop during birth?” and everyone giggles while Ray looks grossed out and slowly distances himself from Kirsten. Carla- “Now that he knows the horror of her body he can’t deal with it.” Chadd- “This guy is really cool looking, like a young Johnny Depp.”

Chadd is going to have Ray’s second baby.

Mom and Kirsten have a fight in a store. Mom is all “you wanted to get some maternity clothes” and Kirsten snaps “It’s bad enough being pregnant without having to look like crap all the time!!”

The mom is all “well you should have thought about that before you got pregnant.”

Kirsten is at the mall visiting Laurie and bitching about how having this baby isn’t making Ray clean up his act at all. The best part of this scene is the table in the foreground is a guy who looks like he’s eating while looking in a mirror… all of the hotdogs in the food court. Are they twins? What is the story with this table? I would watch that movie.

Then at some class when a pregnant girl talks about how much her life changed. Chadd becomes convinced that this girl is the young Starbuck from Battlestar. Holy shit, IMDB confirms this! As her first credit. Full disclosure- I was a total jerk and said “there is no way that’s her” so when IMDB vindicated him he rubbed it in my face accordingly.

Footage of Ray driving off in his Firebird with cool music playing and another girl getting in. Chadd is shocked that Ray might leave his pregnant girlfriend. Chadd is so naive. He’s just a boy Chadd, don’t get your hopes up.

Ray calls her to say that he heard she banged other guys besides him so the baby is probably not even his. Kirsten just screams at him that he was her first and that she hates him.

She pouts in her white, corduroy overalls while petting her stuffed horse. <—– sounds like a 6 year old.

A bus pulls into town that I guess signals grandma is coming to stay with them. Grandma tries to talk to the brother about being a good brother but he is all "Kirsten is terrible though" and she tells him to be more helpful anyway. He shrugs.

Kirsten tells Laurie that Ray sucks and probably has another girlfriend by now. In fact, Laurie shares that she saw Ray at the mall with some other girl and Kirsten is all "what does she look like?" "Skinny," is her answer. Chadd says "not pregnant… totally normal teeth." Hahahaha, Kirsten's corn teeth never stop being funny.

The mom slowly unravels the vaccuum cord and then folds laundry. Carla- “great scene.” We don’t need a scene of her shitty boyfriend finding out she’s knocked up but we have time for this??

Chadd thinks Park Overall is drunk in every scene. Turns out he thinks a southern accent = drunk people.

We learn that Kirsten has a shitty doctor- “stop asking questions, I have a lot of patients waiting” and also again that she’s the worst. He says that she hasn’t gained enough weight so she needs to focus on the baby and she’s all “I’M ALREADY A BLIMP! IF I GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT I’LL NEVER SWIM AGAIN!!” (he rolls his eyes and it’s awesome)

The doctor just leaves because what do you even say to that? (Oh I just remembered that when she found out the baby is a boy she goes “cool, I love guys.” I can’t even make this stuff up.)

Ray calls and is all “my old lady bought us a stroller” and all is forgiven. Tough guys from the other side of the tracks say things like “old lady.”

Then Kirsten sees Ray at the mall, up on the second floor.

But, wait, he’s kissing someone! He’s up there with his new girlfriend, the female carrot top.

Holy crap! Chadd and Carla can’t take this girl. Kirsten is all “I’m over you!” and storms off.

^^^^^ Never, ever film an old lady from this angle^^^^

Grandma says that one of the kids is addicted to carbs- are we supposed to think one of these kids is obviously fat? I don’t know. The younger daughter goes to live with her dad because she can’t take Kirsten anymore. Kirsten is the worst so I get it. I’d leave too.

Now there is an amazing baby shower that only has three guests. Laurie is all “when your son has a baby at 15 then you raise that one and you’ll be busy until you’re 55.” They joke about how old 55 is.

Then, later, Kirsten mopes in her room about how she has no friends anymore and only three people came to her baby shower. She pets another stuffed horse, this one has purple hair. Chadd thinks she’s been sewing on hairs this whole time because the previous horse didn’t have hair… it also matches the LMN logo now.

I think the fat daughter is back? Carla- “This girl is fat is some universe, I guess?” It appears they just put bigger clothing on her.

The dad and mom have a conversation about emotional things. The dad is better with emotions. The mom is an anger pit like their daughter.

Kirsten and Laurie are eating at the food court and Kirsten is all “I hope my kid isn’t ugly, I just couldn’t deal with that!” Yeah, that would be as bad as having to give up soccer. She then is all “can you get me a root beer, I’ll pay you back!” and Laurie gets it and then starts in on how selfish this girl is Kirsten is all “you’re starting to sound like my mom!” Just like old school Brenda Walsh, it’s 0 to bitchface in 1 second.

They fight and Kirsten is all “everyone thinks I’m so stupid!” and I think she’s going to say “AND I KNOW IT!” but she says “I know this baby is going to change my life!” Booo, should have said it my way.

Amazing scene where Kirsten is on the couch “resting” and she looks out the window to see her little sister on crutches. Because she’s a great sister she ROLLS HER EYES and leaves the room to get a drink. What an asshole.

The sister walks in and sits on the couch and Kirsten comes back in all “THAT’S MY SEAT!” and then says “you’re so fat that probably broke your leg” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Chadd- “do fat people fall all the time??”

I bet this girl is going to be leaving again soon, good lord.

Kirsten calls Laurie and apologizes and offers to babysit so at least she has one semi-friend left. Then she talks to her sister and her sister is called fat AGAIN. Chadd wonders if this poor 14 year old kid knew she was signing up to be called fat over and over again when she auditioned for this movie.

She’s a thin girl! I feel bad for this kid. The sister says that she heard people can die during childbirth and Kirsten is all “Did you hear that at your stupid church group!?!?” Maybe at the same church group that preaches against birth control? One of these things is true and one is stupid… her little sister is smarter than her. I think this was supposed to be a nice scene between them?

Sister moves to Kansas on a bus, in her tie-dyed t-shirt. This is how badly this girl wanted away from Kirsten, she’s willing to take a bus to Kansas. I hope they packed enough pizza for this fatty to make the trip. Chadd thinks her backpack may be filled with raisinettes.

Chadd keeps taking photos of commercials. He took a photo of the same commercial 90 minutes apart… Or! Did Carla take the first one and then he took it again not knowing that? If so, they are truly made for each other.

Every girl in this pregnancy trailer at school has been dumped by summer. Good message there.

Her little brother looks at her giant belly and is all “does it hurt to have your skin pulled so far?” and then he asks if Ray should have to pay rent to have his kid in her stomach.

She gives him bithface but doesn’t say anything (a huge step for her). Then this little boy says “if I got a girl in trouble I’d stand by her.” Where do kids learn this? Chadd points out that “in trouble” is an old fashioned term so maybe “kissed” is one too. Hahahahaah, he wishes.

Mom and dad paint the nursery and Chadd thinks these two are definitely falling back in love. They are about to raise another child so it would be easier if they were in love.

Kirsten is at her shitty doctor and he’s all “You’re close.” She’s all “good, I’m ready to get him outta me.” But she says this so evenly and without any hint of bitchface that it’s shocking. For whatever reason this is the only photo I have for this scene:

WTF, you guys?

Now she’s in labor and Ray has the fucking nerve to bring carrot top with him to the hospital. Dad is all “take your friend and leave” while carrot top stands in high-tops and tight jeans behind him.

Chadd- “Oh, I really really hope that’s not the last we see of Ray. That would bum me out.”

The baby is born and mom and dad are all “this is a big day.”Yeah, the day your 15 year old gives birth is a very memorable one.

Now it’s a slow mo dream that Kirsten is narrating about how great everything is and how crazy it is to be a mom, when you’re a kid yourself. And just like that it’s all wrapped up with a bow.

Chadd- “Was anything settled? Did anything happen?” Nope.

I have Sexting in Suburbia on the dvr and Chadd has requested that I save this for their next visit. They live in Sunnyside now, so close! An exciting development.

The End. Check out Chadd’s blog if you like comics or movies or comic book movies etc… Sense of Right Alliance. He’s really funny.