Sexting in Suburbia.

Here we go!

Sexting in Suburbia but Chadd couldn’t make it. Liam flew in from England though so that counts and Kelly came over and we’re eating vegan food. Sorry Chadd and Carla, you’ve been replaced!


A girl walks through the halls at school while everyone stares at her and things are in slow motion. A mom with really done up hair fixes up something in a house.

The girls gets to the locker and a bunch of condoms pour out of it.

She’s being hazed? For having safe sex? Not sure but condoms are expensive (in a teenager money) so whomever is hazing her has money I guess? Stockpile those, girl.

The mom shows a house and talks about how amazing her daughter is and how she plays sports and is going to college on a scholarship. The strangers are really thrilled for her.

Meanwhile, the daughter is at home hanging herself. Mom comes home and is all “what do you want for dinner??” while Liam says “YOU’RE TALKING TO A CORPSE.” And yeah, she is. Wearing converse and hanging from the ceiling.


Mom SCREAMS and runs out. The movie has started, Sexting in Suburbia.


The daughter is playing field hockey (and Kelly had to tell me what field hockey looks like because I didn’t play such a stupid game when I was in high school. That’s right, I said it). She’s so happy! Her mom is so happy! They’re living it up. Liam- “she is lot better looking when she’s not depressed.” Kelly- “well, yeah…” She is apparently the star of the team while her mom’s friend’s daughter, some bitch-faced Blonde girl is not very good. Blondie’s mom mentions that she seems to never improve despite even going to field hockey camp. Where do they live that field hockey is the most important sport??

Now they’re at a sports thing where the kid is dead again (so, six weeks or so later?) and the field hockey team gives her mom the daughter’s varsity letter while the other girls are cattily laughing.


Nice one, ladies! The mom glares at them. They kind of stop giggling but don’t look like guilty about laughing at a mom who lost her 18 year old daughter.

Now the mom is putting the award on her daughter’s grave.


Liam- “This movie is jumping through time like Memento.” Me- “Yeah, this movie is just like Memento.”

Montage of the mom flipping through Pride and Prejudice and laying in her daughter’s bed crying… and then finds a vlog where her daughter is super boring…


when her daughter’s phone buzzes. It’s a photo of someone’s shirtless torso! Mom is all “how dare you send my daughter such trash!” But the number she calls back is her daughter’s friend who has been in South Africa for months and is supposedly a teenager. The girl is all “I’m back so please tell your daughter I called.” Mom sadly says they should talk.

When I say “supposedly a teenager” I’m talking about this lady:

She and the friend meet up at a coffee shop to discuss her daughter’s suicide. The friend says that she didn’t know the daughter (who is now named Dina) was depressed but that if she was bullied it would be online. “The internet never forgets!” The best line ever. Kelly repeats it for effect. The world-traveling friend says that her mom has to get into that internet and find this evidence. Mom goes – “I’m going there!” Kelly- “WHERE??” She’s going into the internet, you guys.


Flashback Memento style of the daughter getting ready to go to prom? Some kind of dance? The mom tells her not to feel pressure to do “anything” so I assume it’s prom. Cut directly to her daughter on a bed with a dude making out fairly heavily.


The dude goes up her dress but the daughter is all “no, I’m not ready.” They kiss more and she tells him again that she’s not ready. He gets pissed off and tells her it’s no big deal and also says he bought her flowers so…c’mon he deserves this.


She lets him leave because she’s the smartest teenage girl in any Lifetime Movie ever (for this moment, don’t worry it’s fleeting).

She goes home and her mom is all “why are you home so early?” and it’s really awkward when the mom tries to find out if she did it or not and the daughter doesn’t want to talk about it.

Meanwhile her boyfriend is at some loft party and then banging the blonde girl who sucks at field hockey- this girl is clearly evil and will probably be the reason the daughter kills herself.


Keep your eye on this one. Kelly explains to Liam that you can tell she’s evil because she’s blonde.


The daughter has decided to get naked and take a photo and send it to her boyfriend. Okay, if you don’t want to have sex with him, now you’re just being a tease.


Also, Kelly points out that this is a crappy old flip phone with a 1.3 megapixel camera so it’s not like the photos are that clear. Still! Liam is all “never show your face! That is the first rule of nudes!” Liam is only 25 so he’s more aware of these rules than me I guess. She sends the photo and smiles like she’s the best girlfriend ever.


Next day at school everyone is shaming her for being a slut despite the fact that she didn’t have sex last night while EVERYONE ELSE DID. Are they shaming her for not being slutty enough?

She FREAKS OUT. She goes into the bathroom with her friend and is screaming and sees her name written with “SLUT” in the bathroom.


She is not dealing with this well.

She runs out and sees her boyfriend and is all “I THOUGHT WE MEANT SOMETHING TO EACH OTHER!” And he goes “Isn’t that what I should be saying??” What? Oh yeah, the text was only sent to him? But he says he saw it at school like everyone else. Methinks the evil blonde one is behind this…

PRESENT DAY. Yup, just bouncing around through time like it’s nothing. The mom talks to the principal and the guidance counselor about how she found a facebook group called “Dina VanCleve is a slut!” And she thinks the school should be looking into this cyber bullying. Does this group have shows or throw parties? Do these sorts of groups exist? Ugh. So glad facebook didn’t exist when I was in high school.


The principal disagrees and says there is nothing to be done and to move on. Liam wonders if this mom should be working and I inform him that in the US we’re allowed two paid weeks after a death to solve the crime. I think he bought it.

Blondie sees the mom and looks shady in the background.

The mom talks to Dina’s friend Claire and asks why they weren’t talking (the mom found a vlog her daughter had made that said she and Claire weren’t talking and also had her daughter wearing black and crying which = depressed). Claire is all “what do you mean?” and the mom says she found a vlog that Dina was making and Claire is really sketchy and all “there aren’t any more of them, I don’t know why we weren’t talking!” but I definitely don’t believe her.


Claire shows up at her house and is all “let’s see if we can find more vlogs” and watches the one that her mom already saw and they cry and bond. The mom walks off while Claire is left to look for more vlogs on the hard drive. I would NOT let this girl touch Dina’s computer because she is sketchy as hell.


Liam, who does tech support for a living is all “she’s going to erase the files!” That’s an expert’s opinion, everyone.

Mom is on the phone with the local paper talking about how she wants to do an op-ed piece about her daughter being bullied and the school covering it up. Claire overhears that and looks nervous but says there was nothing on the hard drive. Oh, I bet there wasn’t! Girl, I have my eye on you.


Flashback to field hockey camp where Dina is having a great time until everyone’s phones start buzzing with the familiar sound of shameful nudes. Dina storms off.


Now the op-ed article is out and the Blondie’s mom is all “Jeez, girls will be girls,” like her friend is being over dramatic. I have no idea who she’s on the phone with.

This Blondie is a poor man’s Michelle Williams / Jen from Dawsons. Big time.

Blondie’s mom asks why she’s upset and she says everyone is talking about bullying article and that she said some stuff too and her mom is all “but you were just joking, right? I mean, that’s how teenagers are.” They drive off while little Michelle Williams makes a duck face.


Some teacher at school is telling the mom that she made things worse by writing the article and she’s kind of like “tough shit?” but then the counselor asks to talk to her. The counselor wants to stop this from happening in the future and she’s all “WHO STOPPED THIS FROM HAPPENING TO MY DAUGHTER?! She was bullied for WEEKS.” Weeks? Weeks?? Okay, that’s ridiculous. This girl was totally popular and was only treated badly for two weeks when she hung herself? Okay, no. Also, what about the kids in this school who are bullied for years? Where is their movie?? Kelly- “There is a good show about a girl in this situation and it’s called “Veronica Mars.” Yes.

Mom goes into the bathroom and the whole wall is covered in graffiti about how slutty her daughter is.

She is horrified. Wait, so this girl DIED and the school didn’t think to take her slut-shaming graffiti off of the school walls? The principal tells the mom to stop showing up at school and harassing his staff. She says she’ll go over his head!


She also says “when was the last time you were in the girl’s bathroom??” and I feel like this guy is doomed no matter which way he answers.

Liam- “I didn’t want to say weeks wasn’t very long until someone else said it first.” I’m glad I could make him feel comfortable about mocking the dead girl.

Mom goes to the house she’s selling and the sellers are all “we are using someone else because no house you’re associated with will sell right now.”


Kelly- “she’s losing her job because she’s fighting against bullying at a high school?”

Mom sadly walks to the mailbox and contemplates where things went wrong. In the mailbox there are like a hundred letters that say “LEAVE IT ALONE.”


She frantically opens them all. Then she has them all over her dining room table with her friend (Blondie’s mom…. hmmmm) and her friend is all “I can’t imagine who would do this” but I can imagine. I think we CAN imagine and we assume it’s her because her eyes are sporting a new shade of crazy.


The mom goes to Dina’s grave and it’s totally defaced and says “SLUT!” on it and her varsity letter is torn in half.


That is so fucked up. Who defaces a dead teenager’s grave?? The mom is now being terrorized worse than the daughter was. Jeez. She turns around and the boyfriend is there and she accuses him of doing this to her grave and he says he was just visiting to pay his respects and that he loved her too… WHATEVER. Fuck that guy.


He keeps saying that he didn’t send that text around but the mom says AGAIN that it was in his phone that she only sent it to him. Clearly he knows WHO sent it but he’s protecting them. And he let all his other friends bully her like crazy and slut-shame her for weeks. And he cheated on her the first time she refused him sex. Whatta boyfriend!

Mom gets home and someone is in her house but she doesn’t call the police. She just takes her heels off and creeps around. Kelly- “CALL THE POLICE!!” Whomever it is goes out through Dina’s bedroom window and then someone throws a brick through the front window and it actually scares me.


Seriously, the bullies are just bullying the mom now. They learned NOTHING from her op-ed piece.

Somehow the boyfriend is arrested… for what, I don’t know?


Then the mom is all “it wasn’t your fault” but she also had him arrested. I am so confused. Was it a citizen’s arrest?


Mom sees Claire walking down the street and stops her but Claire is all “I can’t be seen with you.” The mom corners her and is all “what happened on Homecoming night??” and in flashback we see that Claire knows the boyfriend banged Blondie and that she overheard Blondie tell the boyfriend that she forwarded the nude to just one person.


Not Likely? So not only did boyfriend know but Claire did too- what great friends they are! Ugh. Also, Homecoming is super fancy and full of sex pressure? I thought it was the casual beginning of the school year dance?

Claire admits to the mom that Blondie is the one behind this and mom is all “I knew it!” and hustles off.

Another flashback of the daughter being tortured by texts from blocked numbers and people literally whispering “slut” as she walks by. Jesus Christ, slut shaming makes me so angry and the people doing this to her are the people who are actually having sex. What terrible assholes. And even if this girl was slutty, who cares? Shut your asses, everyone. Dina runs off because of some message she got but her phone is so low res we can’t read it.


It’s the field hockey locker room and Blondie is telling Claire that Dina deserves all of this because she broke the cardinal sin of sexting- she showed her face. Liam tried to say that at the beginning of the movie, but we didn’t listen. So anyway, Blondie actually says that Dina’s text will get them disqualified for state so they have to turn her into the coach. Kelly wants to look up the NCAA field hockey rules because she thinks Blondie is full of shit. Claire says no way. Claire has no spine though so I’m sure she’ll do it. Weird exchange where Blondie says she erased the nude photo text and Claire is all “oh yeah, me too” and then shiftily looks around so I assume there was a subplot in here where Claire has a lady crush on Dina but we’ll never know. Blondie is all “if I tell the coach it will seem like I’m jealous of Dina…” even though it seems like that anyway, because you are.

Mom has a heart to heart with her best friend, Blondie’s mom, about mourning her daughter and she finally drops the bomb that she knows her terrible daughter sent the text. Friend is all “why would you think that??” Because she’s jealous and always has been, mom fires back! Friend is pissed off but calls Blondie down and is all “Did you send the text?” and Blondie plays totally dumb and is all “I would never, ever do that.”


Friend is all “we have 17 years of friendship so let’s not do this” and the mom is so creepy. I still think she sent those letters! Kelly and Liam don’t believe me.


Mom goes to use the bathroom and notices a magazine with all those letters cut out just like in the ransom notes… dun dun DUNNNNNN. Oh yeah.


After mom leaves Blondie cries to her mom that she really didn’t do anything and that the only person she sent the text to was Claire. DOUBLE DUNNNNN DUN DUNNNN! Yeah!

The police say that the magazines are not real evidence and that the text was traced back to Claire. The mom is shocked because she was sure it was Blondie.


Mom gets home and Claire is in Dina’s room, sitting at her desk, watching a video starring Dina (WTF?!) and she just gets up and scurries out but she leaves the page open so I think she wanted Dina’s mom to find it. It’s all sobbing videos of Dina talking about how shitty everything is and how she’s going to kill herself. It’s a really embarrassing vimeo page.


Good lord, get some self respect (is what I’d tell this girl if she was still alive). We also learn from these videos that Claire did go to the coach and told her about the photo and that Dina was kicked off the team and can’t go to college now. Yeah, that’s shitty.

Flashback to Dina in the locker room and Blondie says some smart assed thing.


Next thing you know Dina whacks her in the face with a field hockey stick and it’s SO satisfying! She’s all “I didn’t even do it! Claire did!” but her bloody nose is still awesome.


Also, Blondie is just chillaxing in an “I field hockey” shirt. That’s how important this sport is to her, everyone. Now Dina tells Claire off and says she’s spineless and Blondie is all “she’s not that spineless, she turned you in.” Even though we saw Blondie orchestrate that. Good lord, Claire is so the worst. Spineless people who just mouse around wondering why no one likes them drive me crazy. Dina really just needed new friends.

Claire goes to the mom and apologizes and says that she feels so bad for Dina killing herself and how she treated her before she died and the mom is all “why did you send that text to everyone?”


Claire says that she didn’t and that she lost her phone in the limo on homecoming night (again, Homecoming is NOT Prom, you stupid movie) and the mom gets a flash…

And I knew it- it’s her friend! Blondie’s mom! I saw this coming from the ransom letters. Blondie hears her mom’s phone buzz and she checks it and sees Dina’s nude on there and is all “wait a second… it was you!”


Blondie is a conniving asshole so she should be able to know one when she sees one. Blondie freaks out and is all “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!!?” as if she wasn’t a horrible person to Dina throughout these last few weeks. The mom is all “I would do anything for you…She was ruining your life.” Ack, creeptastic. This lady is legitimately insane.


I rub it in to Kelly and Liam that I was right. Kelly- “I just never want to believe that parents can be the bullies.”

Blondie grabs the keys and runs out in a rage. Meanwhile the police come to arrest her mom for distributing child pornography.


BAM! YEAH! Liam- “I hope her daughter dies so they’re even.”

Whoa, Liam is a monster.

Blondie wrecks the car into a tree because she’s texting while driving (kids, there is a lesson there) and the text in her bloody hand says “I’ll never forgive you.” Take that, mom!


After commercial we see Blondie in a hospital bed and her mom weeping but why isn’t she still under arrest?


Dina’s mom talks to this woman and says she hopes her daughter is okay but that she’s sorry their friendship was all a lie. Yeah, it truly was. 17 years!


We find out via off camera talking that Blondie may never walk again. Liam cheers because, like I said, he is a monster.

The mom does a vlog to show that she has come full circle? I don’t know, this is the most boring vlog of all time. Does these exist? If so, why? Just sitting at a kitchen table saying “Today was better because I learned…” zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, I fell asleep.

I keep thinking that Claire and the mom are related in real life because they look so much alike but I just looked it up and they’re not. Also, Claire’s imdb shows that she has only done made for tv movies. Get it, girl. Focus on the good stuff.

I did internetting instead of watching the horrible and dull bullying seminar where Claire cries and asks her fellow students to give up their cell phones.


Like, just give them up and throw them in a bucket, to prevent bullying. PEOPLE START THROWING THEM IN THE BUCKET. Just cut your service off? Or stop bullying people? But I guess for some people that’s not an option? When bullying is so accessible it’s hard to stop?

The mom has found other videos on vimeo of her daughter being happy and smiling and laughing and now she’s watching those instead but she should probably take those off of the public internet where anyone can watch them… She also watches these videos in her daughter’s room on her laptop- Liam wonders why she doesn’t watch them on her own computer.


The sequel to this movie would be the mom finally dealing with her grief over losing her daughter I guess.

It must be so horrible to lose a child when they’re 18. I assume you’d be breathing a sigh of relief like “yeah! I did it! I kept them alive until adulthood.” And then the world is all “NOT SO FAST!” However, the rest of the story here was so laughable that got kind of lost. Go back to the drawing board, Lifetime, and take another swing at this topic. You know I’ll watch another sexting movie (and this time please include more than one sext because only one is ridiculous in a movie with this title).

Also, Liam fell asleep promptly, behind a wall of beer cans and then talked in his sleep. You’re welcome, internet.



3 thoughts on “Sexting in Suburbia.

  1. Field Hockey was pretty popular where I grew up… so maybe these awful people live there. Also – the mom that did it looks like April O’Neil from TMNT the movie from the 90s… and I just looked it up… totally her.

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