Walking the Halls.

Oh crud. I have been out of town so much in the last months that I got woefully behind. At least I made some tv shows and also went on tour with the band. I really can’t complain. I had the best summer ever. A summer so great that it lasted through Halloween, whoops.

I recorded this movie in July and I’m only now putting it on the blog. Inexcusable! To make up for this I will be adding two more in the month of December including Liz and Dick, which airs TONIGHT as I post this other one. Yes, Elizabeth Taylor played by LiLo with a Black Keys soundtrack. I can only imagine that that is exactly how Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton saw their biopic turning out. Now I see that both Patton Oswalt and the fugggirls are going to live tweet it so maybe doing this is a waste of my time? I’m starting to wonder if this blog is wearing out it’s usefulness…

Anywho, Walking the Halls is about a group of high school cheerleaders who start turning tricks (says the guide). I don’t know anything else about it but that seems like plenty.

Here we go!

The movie starts with a flashback to fighting for a gun and some guy in a black coat lurking around. These times are the worst! The gun times, the almost dying times. This girls is lamenting how she got here so we go back in time to one month earlier to see how such a bright girl went so wrong.

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The opening title is playing with “walking the halls” and “street walkers” in a not very subtle way.

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A gawky dude walks down the hall with the main girl and dumps her because he likes someone else. Way harsh, gawky dude. She is so much frumpier in the flashback. Hooking really agreed with her (aside from the gun stuff, her hair looked great!).

She waits for him to walk away and then runs after him and yells at him that he’s a “DUMBASS!” and that it’s not a “KIMONO DRAGON!” because he is stupid and thought it was. The girls who were walking during the titles see her go off and say “I like her” and “she’s got potential” so I assume they’re the popular ones. They are most likely the hooker group at this school though, judging by the plot. I didn’t go to a hooker high school though so I don’t know the ins and outs of that.

An older lady is in a restaurant kitchen talking about boring dullsville business stuff with her friend so I assume they’re starting a restaurant? I don’t care.

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Pretty brunette goes up to the frumpy one (who we now know is named Casey) and asks if she wants to go to a club with them this weekend. She’s all “we’re only 18 and you have to be 21 to get in there.” Duh girl, she’s got a fake ID. In only a month this girl lost a lot of naivety I guess if she didn’t realize people had fake IDs before. This girl now has a nerdy friend and you can tell she’s nerdy because she’s wearing glasses.

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That older lady is Casey’s mom and was also on Melrose Place. She’s talking about the restaurant but dad is all “ugh, no way, what a waste of money.” You’d think they would have had this conversation before she found a location and a business partner etc… I can already tell this marriage is rocky. I’m so smart.

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Casey drops the bomb that she wants to go to college at “Wittendale” which is on the East Coast instead of the local one and her dad is also like “ugh, no way” to that one. He’s negging these women a lot. I wonder what college Wittendale is code for. They say it has a great environmental sciences program… Wesleyan maybe?

Casey is in her room emailing the pretty brunette (Amber) a photo so she can get the fake ID made. Fighting with her dad really fired her up to break some rules. /cliche

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Then the four of them are at a club in the shortest dresses you could wear and still consider yourself clothed. The brunettes tell her that a guy isn’t even worth your breath if he takes more than 3 minutes to buy you a drink. Also, they know some dudes who hang out here who are LOADED!!! Giggle, giggle.

One of the brunettes, who is wearing a lot of extensions (it might be Amber with giant hair), sees a guy she likes at the bar. OR! I am guessing that she likes him because then she does a weird snake dance under a spotlight while staring at him in slow motion and I assume that’s her seduction move?

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It’s one of the best things I’ve seen in a while- I can’t stop laughing. He’s sold and now they’re dancing.

The Asian friend takes her dude into the bathroom to have sex with him. Are they even hookers or just party girls?

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Oh wait, the guy at the bar who the snake dance was for is THEIR PIMP. Oh man, this movie is crazy.

Casey kisses the 35 year old guy who is talking to her because he’s all “can I kiss you in public? I’m so attracted to you” and that revs her engine. She’s into it and Amber/extensions is all “see, I told you she’d be perfect” to the pimp. So no one told her she’s a hooker but she’s hooking? How does that work?

SIDENOTE- Today my sister and I went to see Wreck it Ralph and there was a couple in there hardcore making out. My sister said that it takes a special kind of adult couple to make out during a kid’s movie. I told her not to judge what revs their engine and that phrase cracked her up so I’m putting that in here just for her.

The Asian girl is in the bathroom and the guy she just banged apparently didn’t “hear” her tell him it would cost money because it’s so loud in the bar. You’re gonna be surprised to hear this but that excuse doesn’t work when you’re trying to get out of paying for sex.

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The pimp comes in and punches him out and then gets the money out of his wallet. $500 is the rate in case you were wondering (I was). Also, he says “I didn’t know she was a hooker!” and the pimp is all “DON’T CALL HER THAT!” as he punches him again. Why so offended, pimp?

SIDENOTE- I watched Pretty Woman the other night and she costs $100 an hour and thinks that is expensive to say to a man driving a Lotus in Beverly Hills. I’m glad to see that inflation has struck the prostitution industry because there was some real low balling going on in the early 90s.

This pimp looks like he could be one of these girls’ middle aged dads. Casey’s dude is all “wanna get out of here” and she says yes but she doesn’t know she’s a hooker so maybe she just wants to have sex with that guy for free?

It seems like this club and the hotel it’s in/by are all in on this hooker ring because everyone is giving off knowing looks.

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Hmm, the pimp seems to know the 35 year old guy this girl left with so he’s going to pay and she’s going to be all “oh, am I being paid for sex?” is that how they see this going down? I’m going out on a limb and betting it will be much messier! Great plan, everyone.

They start making out and she starts to tell him that she doesn’t usually do this but then they get naked so it appears that she actually wants to have sex with him and is having a good time. Weird. That guy could save $500! I’m always thinking of ways to save money.

While they’re doing it the pimp stands menacingly outside the hotel room door in the illest fitting jeans I’ve seen in 2012.

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Casey gets home and her mom was waiting up for her. It’s 1am and Casey is all “I went to a movie!” Apparently she’s drunk and has been out 90 minutes passed her curfew. The mom is PISSED. The dad though is all “she’s fine, stop being such a nag” so I guess he’s more positive in this scene? The mom is all “so you’re okay with our daughter LYING??”

Hot off of the heels of this the mom goes in the other room and sees her husband’s phone charging right out in the open so she checks his messages. It is a husky voiced lady saying she misses him and will see him tomorrow. WHOOPS. The mom ain’t getting any sleep tonight. She calls out her husband on it and he’s all “it’s probably a wrong number” but then says “it’s not like you and I have anything going on lately.” Oh, that explains it I guess? What a shithead.

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^^^^^^^ mom’s house or the playboy mansion ^^^^^^^

Casey goes to the hot tub with her friends and talks about how much fun she had at the club and how that guy she met was “so funny” despite us never seeing him be funny at all. Amber gives her $600 bucks and she’s all “what’s this?” As I predicted, she’s not thrilled to find out that she’s a hooker now (but she made $100 more than the other girl). Her friends are all “we wanna have sex anyway, getting paid is just being smart about it.” Amber says “look in the mirror, we’ve got it going on” and so they deserve to make money from that. Casey is pissed and storms out but not after picking up the money.

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An uber boring scene where the mom tells her friend that her husband is cheating and the friend is all “don’t just leave him, you probably can’t afford to” which is some depressing advice.

Casey storms right back to the hotel and confronts the guy she had sex with and is all “I AM NOT A HOOKER!” and he says that he really likes her but he thought the getting paid was on her terms, not his.

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Also, Casey, don’t overlook the fact that he’s a guy who frequents hookers. Think about that. Don’t worry, he’ll be back next weekend and is taking her out for a real date and she is back into him again. He says he was going to see her next weekend anyway so I am assuming he already lined that up with the pimp? How romantic. She isn’t considering that aspect because she likes him again.

Mom checks her bank accounts online and the balance for all of them is 0. She starts to panic. Silently.

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As Casey drives angrily away she thinks about what her friends said about how she made money for doing something she enjoys anyway.

The pimp is doing it with Amber when the 35 year old calls him and tells him about Casey’s freakout and pimp is all “sorry, that is so not cool.” The dude is all “I don’t want to get her in trouble, I like her.” THEN WHY IS HE CALLING AND TELLING ON HER? We will never know.

The pimp is pissed and picks up a gun. To shoot Casey? What?? Huh?? Amber stops him with her sexuality (!) but I doubt that can hold up for long.

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She does have a sick body though. The pimp is all “make this problem go away.” Would him shooting her make the problem go away or just create a new, bigger problem?

Mom stands by the stairs silently breathing waiting for her husband to get home. Such acting!

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She has printed out the bank account paper that says 0.00 and he’s all “I was such a jerk last night, I apologize” and hands her roses. She shows him the print out and he’s all “eh, no big deal.” Not much of a reaction from him that they have 0 money in the bank. Oh! It’s because he has invested it! Without telling his wife. He’s invested their daughter’s college money in some hedge fund and lost it because the market is bad so he’s waiting for it to get better and just not telling anyone. Again, I tell you, shithead. I can’t even. This would be worse than cheating to me- just thinking about it is making me tense. (How was mom going to start a restaurant? Was she also going to spend their kid’s college fund? Maybe she’s pissed that the dad got to it first?)

Also, to nitpick, their checking account also said 0.00 so technically she couldn’t even buy groceries right now or pay the electric bill. It’s not just savings that he’s burned through. Ack, so tense. No one better ever fuck with my money.

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She says that she wants a divorce and he’s all “from me??” like he’s the one who deserves to want a divorce and not her. Then he yells a lot more when she asks him to move out. She says she’s going to make him give back that money but I am betting that’s not possible. He keeps yelling and then hits her in the face. She runs out and gets the cops and tah-dah, he’s arrested. Of course he’s arrested just as Casey gets home.

Mom is all “your father hit me” and then shows her her face that looks EXACTLY THE SAME AS ALWAYS and her daughter is all “oh my god.” Nice try, Casey, but we all still have eyes. Mom drops the bomb that she wants a divorce and Casey is all “can’t you guys just stop fighting?” and mom is all “nope.” Also, she tells her about the affair and how all their money is gone. Definitely load all that on your daughter in one swoop.

Casey is so pissed that she needs to cool off… by prostituting herself a little so she heads to that club again. I never realized the calming properties of selling your body.

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Some blonde girl sits in a booth looking catatonic. This club is a blast!

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Casey is drunk and unloads on Amber about how she didn’t get straight As for 4 years to go to a state school. I felt just like her in high school- God, I was also a brat. Casey says she regrets giving back the money because now she’s brokesville. Well, she came around on hooking really fast. A guy asks how much she is for the night and pimp says $2k. Take that, Julia Roberts, who charged $300 for a night.

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She thinks the guy is not attractive but the Asian friend tells her if you drink enough he will look like Bradley Cooper. Ack! If that were true I’d never drink again. Gross.

Before you know it she’s wasted and all over this guy. I’d be so bad at hooking. I can’t even talk to a dude I’m not interested in at all.

She wakes up there and it’s morning so I’m guessing it’s like 10 hours past her curfew this time. I guess she’s over pleasing her parents now?

She goes and gets the money from Amber because Amber is now bookkeeping for the pimp? Girl, I would count it myself because I don’t think math is Amber’s strong suit.

Casey’s mom is PISSED. No one saw that coming right? Of course Casey doesn’t care and is all I’m 18 so get over it. Mom knocks her purse out of her hand and sees the cash and freaks out.

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Casey smoothly says her dad has been giving her cash and passes half to her mom since “it’s yours anyway.” Um, is your mom your pimp now? Gross connotations.

Mom is super nosey though and goes through her room and sees the concert tickets her john bought for 900 dollars. She’s suspicious but just looks around blankly and silently- her favorite way to do things.

The girls are at the mall talking about shopping when the pimp arrives and we learn that he’s the cop at their school. Casey is totally horrified that they are working for the guy who works at their school and that Amber is dating him. The catatonic blonde we’ve never really met before shows up and is busted for doing a ton of drugs so rent-a-cop fires her. He’s so tough.

Casey asks him how long he’s been a pimp and he’s totally offended. He prefers being thought of as a manager. She is pretty mean about it and he says “don’t worry, I make a lot less than you guys” and she says “you also do a lot less than us” and he nods but you can tell he’s pissed inside.

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Casey is at school and her nerd friend is all “I haven’t seen you in a while!” which means she just stopped going to school for a week? I guess? Nerd wants to know if she can go to the club with them but Casey says she doesn’t want to do that. Nerd assumes that she’s being dumped for cooler friends but in reality she’s being saved from a prostitution ring- why wouldn’t she assume that? Sheesh.

Casey leaves late at night and her mom sneakily leaves behind her to follow. This mom is maybe the nosiest mom in any of the movies I have blogged. If more moms were this proactive less teenagers would do shitty things, maybe. I mean, she’s only been down a wrong path for less than 7 days and her mom is on top of it. Her mom deals with it totally shittily but at least she’s on top of it.

Pimp has found a “hollywood star” for Casey and Amber is all “he’s the sweetest!” so she goes to spend the night with him for 3k or something. Mom follows her into the hotel but can’t find her so she goes to the concierge is all “my daughter just came in here… she looks like a (whisper) slut… do you know where she went??” Does she think concierges answer these kinds of questions?

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The concierge is all “what is your deal, this is a hotel” and lets her know that she’s being really inappropriate. That has never stopped this woman! She goes to sit in the lobby and wait to see when her daughter comes back.

Three hours later Casey comes downstairs and mom is all “well, well” and Casey realizes that she was followed. She says she came to a party at the hotel and her mom is all “what about the $900 concert tickets?? Who is Max?” She says that she and Max are in love and that he’s 28. Mom is not thrilled about either of these details. Casey says she’s 18 and moving out so not to worry. I really hope she doesn’t think she and that guy are in love.

Mom stands there breathing a little more.

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Casey angrily drives and calls her dad (at 3:30am) but he’s in bed with his girlfriend. She says that she wants to move out of mom’s house. Dad says to join the club. He keeps bitching about her mom and not listening to her say that she needs a place to stay. He says he’s staying with his friend from work and she knows that he’s lying.

She goes to stay with Amber who at 4am has a mom who is passed out from drinking so it’s no big deal. What was this supposed to explain about Amber? Such lazy storytelling.

Dad is moving out some boxes- but he and mom are carrying them to the car and he’s complaining that he hired movers that he pays by the hour so they need to pick up the pace. Why don’t the hired movers pick up the pace?

Amber asks Casey if she wants to have sex with her while a dude watches and Casey is all “no” so Amber calls her a prude. He will pay 5k to watch them do it. Man, this town is full of very wealthy men who are willing to pay a lot for very little. Must not be a lot going on there. Casey is all “I have a date with Max tonight” and Amber points out they can do it as a warm up for Max. Man, how a week can change things for a person.

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The dude is old and in silk pajamas and I fear he thinks he’s going to join them. Casey freaks out so Amber gives her some pills to get through it. Casey says she can’t do it because the guy is old and gross. Of course he hears her and is all “I am paying you to be nice to me.” She shuts up but doesn’t leave. Leave! Get out of there, girl!

They’re not all hollywood stars, huh? This is more what actual prostitution is like, ladies. He puts his old man face on Casey and she runs out of there gagging.

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She runs into the pimp who punches her in the face and tells her if she doesn’t do everything that guy wants that he will beat her nearly to death and that she has to deal with that. This is a much more intense movie than I was prepared for!

She stomps on his foot with her high heel and takes off down the street while he chases her. He catches her and tells her that he knows where her dad works and where her mom lives and that if she even thinks about turning him in that he’ll kill them both and then kill her. Then he says “I’m a cop so I know how to get away with murder.” HOLY SHIT. That is a scary thing to think about. Remember that movie Unlawful Entry? Me too.

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She runs to… Max! Her john! Because that’s who she can confide in about what just happened? Oh girl. Max is all “I wasn’t expecting you.” Then the drugged out blonde girl walks out in her underwear and like I said, he frequents hookers and isn’t your boyfriend.

She walks down the street sadly while it turns from day to night. Such a long montage of sad walking.

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She finally calls her mom to pick her up. She tells her mom about the prostitution ring and of course the mom has a lot of questions but Casey is all “I can’t tell you anything!” because she thinks you can drop a bomb like that and then not clarify anything. I assumed the mom would be more vindicated that her hunches turned out to be correct but she seems pretty easy going about all this.

Casey says they will kill her and so the mom is all “they threatened you?? We have to go to the police.” Casey is all “ugh mom, no cops.” She also doesn’t want people to know that she’s a hooker. She’s only been one for 7 days at this point and had three clients so it’s not like she’s made a career of it or anything.

THEY LIVE IN LA!!!! Hahahahahahaaahah, there is no way there are so many people willing to pay 3-5k for hookers in a town so overflowing with them. Is this a high school of super elite call girls only? Oh please.

Of course the stupid mom tells the principal and says that her daughter wants to be left out of it but the school should know. Obviously the school cop is brought into the conversation.

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He’s all “it’s a sick world.” But he says he’ll help because he’s super nice guy cop.

Pimp is at home with Amber and he gets out his gun because he’s going to kill Casey and pin it on some criminal he stole the gun from. This movie is bananas. Amber doesn’t want to do that but he says if he doesn’t that they’ll both go to jail. She doesn’t want that either. The downside to crime, you guys.

Casey is at home with her mom and mom says that she vaguely told the principal why she wants to transfer and then the doorbell rings. It’s Amber and she says the pimp has gone crazy and to please let her in.

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It’s a trap! He’s there and now has them held at gunpoint.

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He leaves Amber in charge of the gun and says he’ll be back. If they move she’s supposed to shoot them both. I’m not sure Amber is up to this task but she took to bookkeeping faster than expected so I could be wrong.

Pimp goes and kidnaps her dad at gunpoint to bring him home- is his plan to kill them all together? Why the roundup?

Casey asks Amber why she’s doing this and Amber says to spare her the anti-crime speech. Mom is all “why are you throwing your life away for this creep?” Amber hilariously throws back “BECAUSE I’M INTO CREEPS OKAY!” What can you say to that? She tells them that she’s doing this to be free and they point out that she doesn’t seem that free right now.

Dad is so confused in his car because this guy isn’t robbing him. Don’t worry, in true idiots-in-movies fashion the guy tells the dad all about his call girl business he’s running at the high school and how Casey is one of his best girls. Dad is even more confused about why a stranger is telling him all this stuff.

Mom tries a new tactic by telling Amber that the pimp is going to kill her when he kills them. Amber seems confused. She finally gives in and starts to untie them because she, above all, would prefer not to die.

Of course the pimp and the dad walk in now so they all act like nothing changed. While he ties up the dad he explains how he’s going to frame him for this crime- he’s going to tell the cops that he killed his family and then himself. “That’s my business, I know exactly how to stage a crime scene.”

This guy is terrifying because cops like this are my nightmare but I do wonder if he’s actually so good at staging crime scenes. Granted, this is LAPD we’re talking about now so that makes more sense.

Amber pulls the gun on him! Twist! He tells her not to be stupid and she pulls the trigger. I’m really proud of Amber despite the fact that it turns out her gun has no bullets in it.

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Casey and the mom run since they are untied. Casey hits him in the face with something but doesn’t do it hard enough so he just starts choking her. Mom finds the loaded gun though and kills the shit out of him. Their nightmare is over.

Amber checks his pulse because Amber is full of surprising skills.

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The end VO says that Amber got 5 years probation and that blonde girl went to rehab and the Asian one never talked to her again. Of course, this trauma made their family close again and she got in to Wittendale (because her dad magically got their money back?). All tied up with a bow.

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What an anti-climactic end to such a climactic movie.

2 thoughts on “Walking the Halls.

  1. I just discovered this blog tonight and I think it’s hilarious. I watch all these ridiculous movies too and love them. I have been reading this blog for two hours straight. Thanks for the laughs

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