12 Men of Christmas.

This is a holiday movie starring Kristin Chenoweth. I’m not sure anything can top last year’s “hilarious” romp through kidnapping and mental illness but really, what could?

If Santa is reading this I’d also like 12 men for Christmas. Take note! Oh wait, gross, Santa is my dad, right? Nevermind!

12 men of christmas

Fair warning, I have a cold and I just popped half a dose of NyQuil before starting this movie so it may veer off course a bit- how exciting. Not looking forward to flying home tomorrow with this stupid cold and of course I checked in today and have a middle seat so I will be pollenating my row with germs. Merry Christmas!

The movie opens with the old adage that New Yorkers are always striving for a great apartment, great job and great fiance (I’ve heard it as “relationship” before, and that 2/3 are doable but 3/3 are nearly impossible which I have found to be oddly true).

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Kristin Chenoweth is a high powered executive of some kind who is working even when working out. She’s in a spin class making deals or something. Is she going to sing in this movie? I assume she’s only cast in things to sing, am I unfairly stereotyping Broadway people?

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She is very demanding with her assistant who drops the exposition that she’ll be spending Christmas in St. Barts this year.

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Her boss congratulates her on some new account and then is all “you’re the only one who gets it… except maybe Noah, but you’re his fiance and even you know he’s not perfect.” That wasn’t clunky at all! Now we know she’s engaged to some guy she works with who she may not really love that much?

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She winks at her boss and is all “he’ll do until perfect comes along- wink wink!”

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At a fancy Christmas party we meet Noah and he’s all “walk your cute butt around the party so we can leave” because it seems like a dullsville get together. She goes into the bathroom and is talking to her friend on the phone when she realizes there are people doing it in the bathroom. To her credit she thinks this is hilarious and peeks under the door to embarrass them.

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She’s talking on the phone- how do they not hear her voice?? She goes from delighted to horrified when she sees her dude is doing it with their boss.

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THEY ARE WORKING TOGETHER AND DOING IT AT THE COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY THAT HIS FIANCE IS AT. They are idiots. The boss is all “don’t get mad!” and smiles about it while Kristin picks up her Gucci heel and smashes the heel off of it. The boss tells her not to freak out and lose Noah over this- what?

She tells her cab driver that she can always find another job but finding a man in this town that is good is the hardest part (okay, she is making some sense here).

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At work she’s leaving with her desk belongings so she apparently has quit (I love when big things happen off camera) when she runs into Noah. He’s all “I guess you need your space?” Very astute! Then he asks for the ring back and when she can’t get it off her hand he says “what happened, did you gain weight or something?” I can see why she wanted to marry this guy!

Hmmmmm, she’s eating Chinese food and watching Christmas movies while singing carols under her breathe so I think this might fulfill the “singing” that was in her contract for this movie. Only time will tell. She isn’t going to St. Barts now because it was a couple trip so she’s at home watching the ball drop with her dog.

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(don’t let this photo fool you, she is not going to eat her dog’s ears)

Hmmm, she seems to be saying that she can’t find another job but it seems more like she can’t find another job where she can afford her 5k a month apartment at. She’s all “not have a doorman anymore?? Ughhh, I might as well die.” She reminds me of all of my friends in New York.

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She tells her sister that she was offered a year long job in Montana and I have to say, even with these terrible lines Kristin has excellent comic timing. No one can make this funny but she comes close. She says that their dad told them that no one lived in Montana and that it was just a hole in the ground with a sign saying Montana. Sister is all “dad also drank…” She takes the job! Time to turn it around and get out of NYC! This seems like the plot to a bunch of other movies now. Kelley- what was that movie with Renee Zelwegger that was a re-make of a movie with this same kind of plot?

I wonder if she becomes less of a spoiled brat in this small town? Will she be a fish out of water?? The answers are yes and yes so really I can just skip to the end now. I hope at least one of these 12 hombres (what this movie is called in Spanish, says the internet) is cute at least so something gets me through the next 90 minutes. Like that- she has moved to Montana.

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Her co-worker in this small town is the little girl from My Girl. Her new job appears to be getting tourism into Montana and she can’t think of a reason anyone would want to go there- My Girl is not as offended by this as I would be if I were her. She is all “our bars are great! I think people come here because it’s so different than where they’re from.” So positive! She also says they get great bands which I find funny because several friends of mine have talked about how great their shows in Montana have been when they’re on tour. I don’t think a hotsy totsy lady like this will be impressed but I bet she WILL meet a hunky guy in flannel and that will do.

This horrible woman (Kristin) is in line at the post office and she is literally SECOND IN LINE but the lady is talking to the guy in front about his sister who broke her foot.

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She rolls her eyes and just walks up all “let me get in there since this is taking forever.” Ummm, as someone who lives in New York I can tell you that the post offices here are a hellish nightmare by comparison so she is used to making her assistant do this shit if she’s really this impatient. The guy who was being helped steps aside and is all “you’re clearly very important so I will wait” and she thinks he’s being sincere because she agrees that she is very important.

She hates being here already and is jealous of her sister’s 500 dollar dinner plans. Blah blah blah. There is some kind of disaster in the state and she learns that the rescue squad is a volunteer operation that doesn’t even have a helicopter. She doesn’t understand the idea of this at all. Why would someone risk their life to save people?!?!? A lady explains “we love living here so it’s worth it.” She looks perplexed.

The dudes at the fair are talking about this annoying new lady in town. It’s Kristin! She comments on how much carbs the people in this town eat- the local lady says “oh yes, we passed a law about that” which is funny.

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^^This rescue man flirts with My Girl but apparently it goes nowhere.

She thinks their fundraising is lame so I can already guess that she will come up with a way to make this town a bunch of $$ and get them a helicopter and then marry one of these hunks that hate her right now. They tell her the guy from the post office is their local George Clooney and she’s all “guffaw, not in New York!” because she’s so charming.

She’s photographing a house (why?) and the local George Clooney is swimming in the pool. He gets out, fully nude, and greets her. I find that mega creepy. He puts on a towel, begrudgingly.

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She decides to “flirt” with him by being more rude about how much she dislikes Montana because she thinks that’s flirty? She also implies that his penis is small- this lady knows how to land a man!

The rescue team guy comes in with some Montana calendars and it’s clear that Jan (girl from My Girl) is in love with him. Kristin asks what’s going on there and she says that it’s been going on for years but he never makes a move. Lame.

She reveals that her idea is a sexy calendar starring these manly men! The George Clooney of this town is against it. That’s weird since he was all for approaching her nude and wet the day before. The other guys in town are more on board since they know they need more equipment. The guys are all “I don’t want my kids to see this” but she assures them they won’t be naked.
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The guys gang up on George Clooney all “maybe you’re just past your sell by date??” and remind him that this isn’t about him but the town. I guess he’s out voted.

Poor man’s Clooney is named Will. He comes down to the office to talk her out of the calendar and she is not having it. I hope she isn’t putting all her eggs in this calendar basket because they need a helicopter which is more than a calendar can raise. She calls him out on being fine with walking up to her in the nude but being against being photographed mostly clothed.

First order of business is convincing everyone’s wives and ladies to let their dudes do the calendar. It seems to be quick and easy based on the brief montage we see. There are two brothers that she has to convince now but she’s very good at male manipulation so she makes quick work of it.

Now this movie seems to be ripping off the Full Monty as well.

Kirstin and Will run into each other at the post office and they spar, as usual, but he seems to be asking her to brunch but she misses it, because she’s so good at “flirting.” She should turn on her male manipulation tool right now but she’s too busy mocking him and the state he lives in to notice.

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He tells her there is no Kinkos or Gap in town but she can drive 10 hours to Billings if she needs one. She really hates this state now!

The long haired guy teaches her to fly fish and says he likes the calendar idea because he likes “any opportunity to show off the wares.” These hunks have brains too, you guys- he thinks as a nation we are too violent and not as body positive as we should be. Shut up and take your shirt off, am I right?

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She’s with the rescue guy who loves Jan but of course Will is also there because this town has like one bar and everyone is always at it. He leaves them alone and she finds out that he’s from a very religious family so he can’t be doing this photo shoot. She convinces him by saying that it’s for charity and his family will love that aspect. He agrees. Will comes back and she’s all “the calendar is happening!” He says that he hasn’t said yes and she points out that there are 12 months and he’s the 13th dude on the rescue team because apparently he hadn’t done this very simple math before this moment. He looks shocked by this turn of events.

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Kristin is trying to get a photographer before he leaves for Paris for fashion week- how much is she spending on this calendar?? Will it cost more than it even makes? Probably. Will the town laud her as a savior anyway? Probably.

Will and Rescue Man are running while they discuss how Jan has gotten bossier. Will is all “it’s because she’s hanging out with Kirstin.” He says he wants to finally ask Jan out and Will implies that she’s going to be awful forever now because of Kirstin. Once a woman becomes bossy, she will always be bossy. What a great friend this guy is.

Kristin says she went on a date to see the Wizard of Oz but I guess I was blowing my nose and missed that so I don’t know who the heck she was with.

Now she’s going to a “sailing” party but I feel like she means something else because what sailing is happening in this town? She runs into some lady from the “city” who got her press release on this town and they hang out. She already sent out the press release?? Isn’t she done then? Also, she was in the “city” and she got a press release and just booked a flight to middle of nowhere Montana to see it for herself? That’s a leap for me.

Oh, it was the long haired guy she went on the date with. Poor man’s Brad Pitt from Thelma and Louise. He calls to bail on the party because he’s “sick” but while he says this he’s walking down the street with a bouquet of flowers so that’s confusing. This guy is a liar but I don’t know why he’s so into lying.

She arrives in a nautical look and of course it’s “abseiling” so everyone makes fun of her look since she’s going to be repelling down a mountain.

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She stupidly is all “doesn’t everyone know what abseiling is? duh!” This lady can never just admit that she doesn’t know what something is. She goes down the mountain and really loves it and can’t believe the view.

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Then she does… something… even the movie doesn’t explain it. But Will runs down the mountain to save her quickly. How scary this unsaid thing that we don’t see happen is! I am shocked that they couldn’t come up with a real emergency to solve.

She has to trust him in order to get down the mountain. OF COURSE. This is so fucking annoying since we will never know why. She thanks him and he walks off. End scene?

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At work Kristin has the flowers we saw the long haired guy walking down the street with the day before and I still find this whole subplot confusing.

Will comes by to let her know that his business has decided to sponsor the calendar and cover printing costs- you’re welcome. She’s not buying that he’s changed his mind so easily. He, instead of being a normal person in a meeting, just goes “I have feelings for you!” and then he blurts that she’s annoying and arrogant and it’s annoying that he has feelings for her.

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She is like “wow, thanks!” and then they fight about how gross the other is. Then he tells her that she doesn’t know Long Hair that well and I’m distracted because they have stood up and he’s like a foot and a half taller than her.

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She tells him they don’t need his business to help them and kicks them out of the office. She made that up though.

Some dude named Mike comes in saying that he can’t pose for the calendar and he even waxed his body for it (ew). The fancy fashion photographer has arrived and I guess it’s time to shoot because now it’s a montage of her getting men to take their clothes off while they run away and hide and then slowly come around to it. We’ll never know what happened with Mike I guess.

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It just occurred to me that she left her dog in NYC.

This photographer isn’t very good so I can’t imagine he was worth the $$$. Enjoy fashion week!

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The calendar is done but there is one hole. Does this mean that Mike guy stuck to his guns? I have no idea since that scene was cut short and then a montage happened.

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(holy crap, all of these photos are out of focus and I’m only noticing 2 days later)

Don’t worry, Will is saving the day! He has a horse and some wine and is in chaps on the mountain waiting for this photo to be taken.

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I wonder if he was repulsed by his hatred of her while doing this shoot?

Long Hair leaves her a message that he got a great job and is going out of town for a while. Her sister is all “dump him!” Ummmm, they went on one date, why would there be any dumping in order? Calm down, weirdoes.

The guys are being teased at the bar for doing the calendar and they all start worrying that they’ve made a huge mistake.

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Then a lady is all “don’t be worried, you all look so hot!” but then they get made fun of some more and are embarrassed again.

Okay, bear with me. Will comes to the office and just tells her to shut up and starts kissing her and the next thing you know they’re at her house doing it and talking about what an uptight bitch she used to be while giggling about how long ago that was.

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Did I accidentally fast forward through several scenes? I’m totally confused about what’s going on here. It’s the NEXT CHRISTMAS NOW?? What?! Have I fallen into a wormhole?

A lady in town brings back a dress she borrowed and is all “thank you!” but then Will walks shirtlessly past the door all “hello” and this is a small town so he knows exactly what he’s doing.

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She looks horrified but maybe she meant to look happy and is a bad actress.

She tells her sister she wants to spend Christmas with Will so she won’t be home this year- the timeline of this movie continues to mystify me. Have they been together for a few weeks at this point? A few days?

The calendars arrive and the dudes are psyched that they look good and the ladies are being nice to them. The boss from the beginning calls to congratulate her and Kristin hangs up on her.

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They dance at this bar and I can’t tell if people are scandalized or happy for them. Also, even in tall ass heels he towers over her. She’s a tiny pixie.

Long hair shows up and says he has a job in Chicago and the lady from “the city” walks up all “I found a boyfriend here!” so that guy was moving on up to a city lady.

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I don’t see how that’s scandalous but I guess everyone else does somehow.

Her old boss keeps calling and Jan tells rescue dude that Kristin may be moving back to New York. Obviously, Will overhears this and gets upset. They fight about it and he says he’s the player who dumped his wife at the alter (yikes, he’s more like the Julia Roberts of this town than the Clooney, if you know what I mean). She walks out and starts to plan a move back to New York. Just like that. I bet she’s missing her dog that she just left behind- maybe the doorman has been feeding him?

The calendar is getting a ton of press so I guess her job is done?

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NYC aerial shot which I assume means that she’s gone back. Maybe? I don’t know. Jan talks on the phone with rescue man about how many people are setting up corporate retreats there so Kristin did a good job.

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She’s back in her old office, working until the wee night hours while Will looks at photos of them together on his phone.

She’s walking with her sister and says she’ll take it re: a 4 million dollar condo but it turns out she was spacing out. Thank god because I was just wondering how much small town Montana is paying PR people these days.

How long were she and Will together? A few weeks? She’s bummed to have another Christmas alone and I get that but I am just confused about the timeline here and trying to make sense of it.

Will is moping in his beautiful cabin when he gets a call about an emergency somewhere.

Jan calls Kristin in the middle of a big client meeting to tell her that Will has been in a bad accident during a rescue mission.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHH. Jan says “he didn’t walk out on his fiance, he caught her with Long Hair the night before their wedding.” This movie is now Bridget Jones’ Diary! I can’t keep up with how many movies this is ripping off at this point.

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She flies out asap to see him in the hospital and it’s all starry eyed hearts in their eyes.

They kiss in front of a snowy mountain backdrop while the nurses lament another calendar man leaving the market.

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They have a Christmas with their friends and it snows. The end.

If you want to watch better things that this movie steals a lot from watch: BBC Pride and Prejudice, The Full Monty, Bridget Jones’ Diary and Green Acres (the tv show).

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