This movie is amazing because it stars the dad from 7th Heaven and Keri Russell from Felicity AS A ROMANTIC SEXY COUPLE. Let that sink in for a minute. I saw it when I was in high school but I haven’t seen it since so when I saw LMN was airing it a few weeks ago I made sure to set my dvr.
The imdb page says it all- tons of reviews calling it a favorite guilty pleasure (and the weird image that says “those bedroom eyes” what??)
***OH NO! When I went to edit in the photos the files are all corrupted so I won’t have any to include. What a bummer.***
A little cheat sheet:
There are some stills online that I will be pilfering as well but the photos above of Felicity are all stills from this movie so just imagine where they best fit. Tah dah! Problem (sort of) solved.
It opens on a big, fancy house with Felicity (that is her name, forever) on a bed talking to her teenager friend about some dude. Then she thinks the parents are home and maybe she shouldn’t be laying across their bed and jumps up to go see what the noise is. Babysitting when you’re a teenager is kind of the best, especially when 90% of it is after the kids go to bed. One mom would always get me jello pudding pops and I would watch HBO – the good ol’ days.
Turns out it was her stupid boyfriend breaking into the house, essentially, and not the parents. They go swimming so it must not even be close to the time the parents were supposed to be home. For some reason she thinks it’s sexy to pretend to be dead in the pool while he laughs- what?
He totally creeps in and looks at the kids with her while they sleep and says “a boy and a girl, how perfect.” Ugh, stop family planning 18 year olds. Now she’s going through the mom’s closet and picking out a fancy dress for homecoming. Okay, I never did anything like this when I babysat. She’s kind of a creeper.
The parents get home and she tells him to run but I don’t know how he escapes before the mom walks up to her- no matter. She gets into the dad’s fancy convertible and he drives her home. Are they wondering why her boyfriend’s car is there? He is asking her about college and she says she’s trying to get an athletic scholarship for swimming and he says that it’s all about setting goals and achieving them. She says her goal is to live like him when she grows up and he says the secret is who you share it with. He drops her off in poor-people-ville where she lives and says goodnight.
Her friend tells her she’s been blown off by some guy and Felicity is all “what a punk!” Her friend now doesn’t have a date for homecoming.
Meanwhile, the rich have lunch at the country club. Classic rich people move. It’s the dad and his friend Frank.
They talk about buying their wives stuff for their birthdays and how annoying women are about getting older. Pssh, women. They discuss how beautiful their wives still are so I guess Rev. Camden (as he will always be, thanks 7th Heaven) keeps his hatred of his wife deep inside.
Felicity is babysitting again when the mom shows off her fancy new dress and the dad gives her flowers before taking her out for her birthday. They go outside and there is a Land Rover with one of those giant car bows on it! He’s all “do you like it?” and she says “does it matter?” and she’s clearly annoyed. I would be too! If I am getting a new car I would want to pick it out and love it forever. He also canceled their fancy dinner plans and wants to take out the kids in her new car so she goes upstairs to change out of her cocktail dress… why is the babysitter here then? To watch the house while they go out?
Another day she’s babysitting and the kids are being shuttled to piano lessons by her even though both parents are home. Such riches!
Now she’s sitting by the pool while the kids are playing tennis at their lesson but she realizes she forgot something at home. The tennis coach is all “no big, we still have 20 more minutes!” so she jets home to pick up their piano music.
Uh oh! She finds the mom’s dead body instead. Yikes. She’s holding a gun too. Felicity makes a shocked face and freezes that way for a while.
THE DETECTIVE WHO COMES TO THE HOUSE IS MRS. HUXTABLE. This movie has everything. I hope she’s as good as the no-nonsense black lady cop in Who is Clark Rockefeller but she’s Mrs. Huxtable so I’m sure she’ll be BETTER. Felicity tells her that Rev. Camden was leaving a message when she found the body so she could hear his voice.
MRS. HUXTABLE looks like this:
(Now my mention of Jell-o Pudding Pops seems like foreshadowing)
She tells the other cop (boring white guy, snoooooooooze) that it looks like a suicide but they haven’t found a note. I think the white guy cop is also his friend from the club?
Rev. Camden gets home and cries into his friend’s arms. Mrs. Huxtable stares at them. Probably dective-ing the shit out of the situation with her eyes.
Felicity is sad but she should think of the upside- so many more babysitting hours now! (too soon?) It’s Mrs. Huxtable coming to ask some questions. Felicity says she’s a swimmer again despite all the swimming we’ve seen her do being playing dead in a pool.
Felicity tells her that they were a happy couple with a great life and that she never saw them fight despite her definitely seeing them argue- I guess she tuned it out?
At the wake Detective Huxtable asks if the wife was into seeing a psychiatrist and the friend/cop is all “this isn’t the place.” Rev. Camden answers anyway and it turns out the mom was on anti-depressants that he didn’t know about.
This guy drives up to the… police station? Detective house? Wherever they are, storms in and is all “I’M HER LOVER!” and then long dramatic pause while I laugh out loud. Commercial.
Rev. Camden meets with his cop friend on the roof of a tall building for some reason and says he’s found a medicine bottle hidden in her sweater drawer and he gives it over.
Cop is all “has she ever mentioned Paul Richards? He says they were having an affair?” Wow, that’s not a very nice way to bring that up to a possibly grieving husband. Then he says “oh, and he said she was about to leave you.” Jesus christ, this cop knows how to work a room. Rev. Camden cries some more.
Felicity is at school and her boyfriend is all “you can’t still babysit there” because now with a death / dead body discovery / possible murder it doesn’t seem like the safest place to work. Fair points. She just looks on and doesn’t respond so she’s probably still working there.
Rev. Camden takes Felicity out to a fancy lunch to see if she can still babysit for him? I don’t know, I guess he just wants to go to a fancy lunch. He says his wife loved this place and then says life can change in a heartbeat. Awkward city. Order the most expensive thing on the menu to make yourself feel better, girl.
At his house Felicity is looking at the family album and Rev. Camden does his sad man act some more right into her personal space. Very smooth.
WHAT?!? He goes outside and says he’s going to give her the car he had just bought his wife. HE IS GIVING HER THE LAND ROVER HE BOUGHT FOR HIS WIFE WHO DIED LIKE THREE DAYS AGO. She is all “it’s too much… okay” and then clicks the door locks and giggles. That was fast.
Of course her mom wakes up and sees it in the driveway and freaks out because yeah, that’s crazy shit. They fight and Felicity is all “sometimes people just do things because they’re nice.” Then they make up and her mom is okay with it because it will make her life easier. Okay? My dad would have driven that car back himself.
She comes honking into the school parking lot like she’s hot shit because she has forgotten that her friend and boyfriend thought she wasn’t babysitting anymore. Boyfriend is displeased and is all “what does he want in return?” Friend is all “it’s awesome! Whatever!” and hops in.
New evidence, no gunpowder residue on the mom’s hand so she didn’t fire the gun. DUN dun dunnnnn. Detective Huxtable is all “do you want to tell him or should I” re: the whole murder and not suicide thing. Friend just deeply exhales.
Rev. Camden is fishing with his kids and Felicity because again, she babysits when he’s home and with the children at his own house. Frank (friend/cop) walks up and he’s all silent but finally blurts out the gun powder evidence. He says they will be looking at the lover, the husband and also the babysitter. Rev. Camden is way more taken aback by the babysitter being investigated than himself. I’m detectiving this with my eyes as well, so watch yourself Rev. Camden.
Paul Richards has a fancy boat and that’s where they’d rendezvous- he knew it wasn’t a suicide! He’s happy to see Detective Huxtable because it means it’s been a murder. He definitely thinks it’s the husband and says so several times. No one saw him in West Palm (where he said he was the day of the murder) so now he’s a suspect- he’s unhappy with this development.
So, what does he do? He starts investigating the murder himself! He calls private detective agencies pretending to be Rev. Camden until he finds one that is all “Hey! I remember you!” She says she’ll modem the files over to his computer. MODEM THEM OVER. Is that really what people said in 1996? I wouldn’t know, I didn’t have email yet then. She just needs his case number but he doesn’t have it- dang, so close.
Detective Huxtable is at school talking to Felicity and drops the “since the murder” tidbit and Felicity freaks out because she had no idea it was a murder. She freaks out because she was in the house and maybe she was in there at the same time as the murderer and that is freaky. She storms into Rev. Camden’s office all “I don’t think I can work for you anymore!” because she’s spooked.
Rev. Camden is all “What? No, she killed herself, don’t worry.” But he knows that’s not true? I think the inner creep is starting to come out. He’s all “as far as you quitting I won’t allow that” but somehow in a nice way that convinces her not to quit and not in a super controlling way. Then he asks her to stay after the kids go to bed tonight to have a late dinner and “really talk.” Ick.
Felicity has sat out candles and the nice china (WTF) and is cooking when Rev. Camden gets home with some blonde lady and is all “Oh, you’re cooking, I forgot!” Was it ever said that she was making him a late dinner? He is so smooth at grooming her for the wife position, it’s impressive.
She’s confused by the appearance of this other lady but goes with the flow since she’s the 18 year old babysitter. PS. when you’re trying to seem really mature and worldly definitely wear your denim overalls. Those just scream grown up.
She’s in a closet trying on a fancy dress- wait, she’s in the mom’s closet trying on that dress she liked at the beginning! She’s so stupid! Rev. Camden walks in on her and is all silent and stares at her while she apologizes right up in his face. He whispers “I’m sorry if I hurt you tonight. Can you forgive me?” and then they’re making out.
What the fuck? Where’d the blonde lady go? Who is the blonde lady?? Why is Felicity still there just hanging out trying dresses on long after the kids have gone to bed? Why are these two people kissing in his dead wife’s closet?? So many questions.
He cuts it off like he’s the gentleman here and then he goes downstairs and calls Frank to tell him he got home tonight and found the babysitter going through his wife’s things and trying on a dress. All of the police work in this town seems to just be based on phone calls the suspects are making.
Felicity’s mom is all “can you take your brother to school?” and Felicity is blotting her lipstick all “I’m very busy today mother, I have to interview housekeepers all morning.” Her mom is understandably confused but Felicity informs her that she runs that house and knows what’s best for them and mom is all “you’re wearing heels to babysit now” and Felicity says she can’t go over there looking like a dumb teenager. Oh, but you ARE a dumb teenager.
Paul has hacked into Rev. Camden’s business’s computer because he knows that he found out about the affair pre-murder and just needs to prove it. He’s doing more legwork than all of the police. Also, a great thing about the 90s is that computer hacking was really cool and cutting edge. Memories.
Rev. Camden pops in on Detective Huxtable all “if you have questions about my wife please don’t go to the hired help.” Hahahahah,if Felicity heard how he talked about her to other people maybe she’d realize she is the dummy. That’s a strong maybe. Also, this guy has never seen any Law and Orders if he thinks the hired help isn’t the FIRST place the police go after a murder. They’re both dummies, they’re made for each other.
Paul the lover has shown up at the house to interview for the housekeeper position and the son is all “you’re a guy, guys aren’t housekeepers!” Ugh.
The Detective talks to him while his back is artfully turned on her- she asks if the neighbors just imagined all their fighting. He deeply sighs.
He says that married people fight sometimes and she says that married people don’t always take lovers and then flatly says “is that why you killed your wife?” He is nonplussed and asks if she’s done insulting him because he has a lot of work to do.
Felicity interviews a housekeeper who is all “thanks Mrs. Camden” and the daughter is all “you’re not Mrs. Camden, that was my mom!” Which is true and also super fucked up, Felicity. God, you’re the worst babysitter ever. She is trying to explain why she said it when the daughter asks where the guy interviewing is. She had no idea a guy was at the house. She runs through the house and finds him on the computer in the office- WHAT? She finds a strange man in the house where a murder occurred and she doesn’t run the fuck out of there but instead confronts him??
He’s all “I know she didn’t kill herself, Rev. Camden killed her and I can prove it” but she screams at him to leave. In the next scene Rev. Camden is yelling into a phone that he wants a restraining order now keeping this lunatic out of their house but we see that he’s not really on the phone- he’s tricking Felicity who can hear him in the other room.
He’s all “that’s settled” and she’s all freaked out about what this guy said but Rev. Camden thinks Paul killed her then. He is all “you should stay here where I can take care of you” and she’s happy again. Her mom will be cool with her just moving into this house? I’m sure that scene is just around the corner.
I can’t imagine wanting to spend MORE time in this murder house but I guess she must really want the fancy life because I don’t think Rev. Camden’s kissing can be this intoxicating. Gaggggg.
He goes into the study and sees what Paul got from his computer- the files from the private detective. He just leans back and smiles to himself. Thinking happy thoughts about his next murder.
Next thing we see is Paul asleep while Rev. Camden shoves a gun in his face and is all “wakey wakey.” Paul wakes very calmly considering. He makes Paul look at the affair photos from the private detective with him while telling him details about boning his wife. Paul- “you’re sick.” Rev. Camden tells him to delete the images while holding a gun to his head. He does but then the boat rocks and he punches him. In 1996 did people know about emptying the trash yet? I hope not!
They wrestle and Rev. Camden shoots Paul and because he’s totally okay with murdering people he doesn’t even look worried. He just wraps up the body and dumps it in the water while ripping up the printed out photos (that prove hew knew about the affair). Murder is so easy!
I wish these photos didn’t get lost because he literally just flops the loosely wrapped body into the water next to the boat (THAT THE VICTIM OWNS) and it’s not weighted so it just floats there while he looks all job-well-done about the whole thing.
I can’t imagine the zillion clues he left behind on this one won’t come back no matter how bad the police work in this town is.
He goes home to where Felicity is sleeping in the guest room and starts caressing her into wakefulness. Gross x1000. He gives her his dead wife’s necklace to match the car. She is momentarily creeped out but then he says that he loves her (gross gross gross). Then he starts unbuttoning the men’s dress shirt she’s sleeping in and they start having sex while I dry heave.
Felicity is at school and walks up to her friend with a lot of attitude because her friend told the cops where she got her necklace. The friend is all “who cares?” and they argue and Felicity is all “he treats me like an adult!” when the friend is all “why are you so obsessed with this guy?” The friend says that adults are old and boring and she should enjoy being a teenager and have some fun. Her friend is shockingly correct.
Frank shows up while the kids are swimming in a pool and Felicity sits next to it (I thought she was all about swimming? She seems more into sitting by pools than swimming in them). He’s all “aww, just like a happy family” and then points out that she has made out like a bandit in this murder.
If Felicity was less dumb she would figure out that she’s being set up but alas.
Felicity’s mom sees her wearing this diamond necklace and flips her shit and says this is way out of line and that she’ll return the necklace herself. THANK YOU.
Mom storms into Rev. Camden’s office where he’s reading something and trying his best to act important and businessy. Mom tells him to find a replacement by the end of the month because her daughter is out of there and he says “of course” but in a way that suggests he’d like to murder this lady instead.
The ickiest couple ever is cuddling in the ugliest bedroom in the world- so many reasons to gag. Rev. Camden says that it’s time to clean out his dead wife’s things and he doesn’t care what the kids think. Such a great dad! He asks her to pack it up so he can give it to a charity. “I want us to start our life together.” This 18 year old wishes she was raising his kids? I guess! He puts the diamond necklace back on her and says “now it’s back where it belongs.”
Felicity packs up the wife’s things and goes to drop it off AND TAKES THE KIDS WITH HER. She continues to be the worst. Frank drives by and is all “I like your sweater… I liked it better on THE DEAD WIFE” and then drives off while Felicity looks annoyed. She is wearing an old lady sweater though- why would a teenager be in a hurry to get to old lady sweaters?
Felicity swims in a pool, finally!! She tells Rev. Cam his friend has been following her again and he says that he told him how he feels about her and maybe it’s creeping him out (as it should be, because it’s creepy).
She says this doesn’t feel right but he says it’s the most right thing ever. Listen up ladies, always go with your gut instincts.
As predicted he’s in his wife’s closet freaking out that she got rid of the clothes before he was ready and telling Frank about it. Frank is all “you’re not doing anything stupid with this kid are you? She’s not playing with a full deck.” Rev. Camden is all “ew, no way.”
Homecoming shopping with mom. She finds a cute blue dress and the mom wants to buy her some fancy shoes to go with it. A scene where she’s a normal person for once! Oh wait, now she’s lying to her mom and asking to spend the weekend with the friend who told her off last we saw her. Ugh, she’s going to spend the weekend with her 45 year old boss / lover / murderer instead.
Why hasn’t anyone figured out that Paul has been murdered yet? God, every criminal should move to this town and just have at.
She’s packing all her Homecoming stuff into a suitcase and now I think she had her mom buy her a fancy outfit for her sexcapades and gross. She is not going to this dance is what I’m saying.
Detective Huxtable shows up and Felicity is all “why is Frank bothering me?” and she straight up says “because he thinks you’re a murderer.” Felicity is shocked! She thinks Frank is framing her even after the Detective says that Rev. Camden has been saying she’s stealing and lying and giving away his wife’s things. She finally gets it once it’s totally laid out for her. Thank goodness she has swimming to fall back on because she won’t be getting into college with these smarts.
Felicity is freaking out and in her yard instead of going over to her creepy sex palace. She’s trying to find her mom but there’s no answer at her office. I hope he’s not really murdering her. I was just joking!
Rev. Camden walks by Detective Huxtable on the beach and is all “just the person I was looking for.” Really? Just walking up and down the street hoping to find her? He says he heard Paul has gone missing and to please tell him if anything comes up (smooth) and that he’s leaving town for a few days and didn’t want to seem suspicious (very smooth). But then he’s on his car phone, while out walking around (uh oh, the jig is up!) and the wheels start turning for the Detective.
He flashes back to the scene of the murder and sure enough the car phone was in the house so him leaving that message doesn’t prove that he was somewhere else. It’s been weeks but they’re still waiting on cell phone records at the police station because it’s such a new technology- oh 1996.
Rev. Camden calls from his car at dusk all “Where are you? I thought you were coming over?” while gently caressing a broken lightbulb in his hand? What the shit? She says she got caught and is in a lot of trouble and that her mom has said she can’t work for him anymore. Nice try but he’s wearing his car driving gloves now so that means a murder is a brewin’.
He goes into a shack thing on the beach (I don’t know who works here, the cops maybe?) and turns on all the gas in the stove and puts a broken bulb in the light socket. Oh wait, it’s the detective’s house! She gets home and realizes her dog got out and so she doesn’t go all the way inside but she does flip the switch so the place explodes. Like the hugest explosion ever considering it’s a little beach shack. Her dog is amazing and essentially saved her life and now runs to her passed out body on the beach. Little Lassie.
Rev. Camden is just standing there watching all this because he’s so good at crime. Just out in the open watching and not helping and laughing. I want him to get caught asap mainly because he’s so bad at crime that he doesn’t deserve to get away with it. He hasn’t earned this at all.
Felicity runs to ask her ex-friend why the cop asked her about the necklace and she says because the dad reported it stolen. Felicity is all “wha??” and her friend hilariously says “are the lights finally coming on in that attic?” They make up and she regrets trying to grow up so fast. Her friend rules.
Rev. Camden shows up at her house (I think?) but she’s on her way to his house to get into the computer. She is trying a bunch of passwords to get into his computer when suddenly his arm is around her neck and he’s all “frustrating, isn’t it?” Then he wrestles her down and pulls her underwear off while she’s screaming no (which is really scary) but he’s just getting her underwear off to hogtie her with it.
“You’re the best babysitter I’ve ever had, it will be really hard to replace you” – he says as he hogties her.
He goes around the house creating a crime scene while she attempts to free herself. The best part is that he’s saying his plan out loud as he trashes his house. “You were right all along, Frank! She killed her and she tried to kill me!” and so on.
Meanwhile Frank picks up Detective Huxtable from the fire and she’s all bloody but just in his car, no ambulance or anything.
Rev. Camden calls him all “she’s trashing my house!” and he says not to touch her and they’re on their way. He stabs his own arm while yelling “LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!” She is halfway to breaking free when he finds her in his wife’s closet. He’s all “let’s get this over with” which I assume he means the minutiae of killing her. How tedious! But she has other plans and has found something sharp and leaps at him and cuts his face as she runs by.
Where are the kids? Are they home for this too?
Luckily his richie rich house is so big that she can find hiding spaces in it. Uh oh, a baby doll gives her away. I will say that Rev. Camden’s acting here is good because he’s slyly smiling through this entire scene which adds another level of creepy to the whole thing.
She jumps off the roof into the pool! Finally, her swimming thing is paying off plot-wise. The jump knocks her out but apparently face up so she can breathe? He walks in the pool and pulls her out but she’s playing dead, stupid! Finally, she’s turning the dumb tables on him. Who passes out in water face up? She hits him but he’s stronger and starts drowning her. (I guess that scene at the top where she sexily played dead was foreshadowing?)
How ironic, the swimmer drowning.
The police show up and run around the house. Just as he’s leaving the pool she jumps up and stabs him in the back and he looks shocked as the police walk up. Frank is all “wanna tell us another story? I so love your stories” to this guy who has just been stabbed in the pool. So Frank never believed him? I don’t know. I could easily see the dad still trying to pin it on her (and failing, but at least trying).
We’ll never know though because MOVIE OVER. The credits roll. The end.
The Lifetime Movie poster I posted above says it’s from the True Stories series and I only just noticed that as I was posting the blog- WHAT?!? True story? A google has found: this true story. It seems like this movie has taken a lot of liberties with the word “based” because it’s negligibly related to this story.