The 70s.

My friend Kat has been telling how terrible this tv movie about the 70s is for a while but now that she has moved to NYC we’re finally watching it. Kelly Lynn, Kat, Sarah and I are eating pizza and watching this mess.

This is a 170 minute movie about the 70s starring Amy Smart. I’m not sure I’ll even make it all the way.
the 70s mini series

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-We start on a college party that turns into a burning ROTC building and quickly one of the college students is drafted into the army…or student security? We will never know how or why.

-Students see that guy in his army clothes and flash him a peace sign while he shrugs.

-Now we’re at student demonstrations. This movie is a series of scenes with no dialogue or story.

-Nothing art department-wise shows us that this is the 70s. It’s barely trying at all.

-Now the armed guards/military is attacking the protestors while people flash peace signs.

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-Gun shots! We still don’t know who anyone is so… I hope no one gets shot I guess? TOO LATE! They all got shot. I am supposed to care and also think this is Kent State I guess? I don’t know. This movie is only 170 minutes long so I guess they didn’t have time to get any story in there.

-Something political is happening I think.

-Now they’re covering the riveting mail strike of 1971 or whatever.

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-And now we’re at Barnard College in a feminist meeting where this girl is all “don’t we all want more?? Why can’t we take care of ourselves?” Kelly Lynn- “she’s really making us all think.” This feminist girl is the best character in the movie so far.

-Cool black people with big afros are saying things are heavy and calling people baby. This encapsulates the 70s in my mind. I want a cool afro. These people are now my favorite people in the movie so far.

-The student who became a soldier who now skipped town (Dexter) is now in some movie theater in another town trying to forget that he killed those kids at Kent State.

-Kat just said “this is even worse than I remember” and she already thought it was terrible.

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-Somehow this 22 year old bought a movie theater in LA and is now fixing it up. Oh, the 70s, when real estate was attainable. He’s also toying with becoming a black panther.

-Amy Smart is now in the big city modeling because… I have no idea why, that’s right. She’s wearing the ugliest wedding dress ever.

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-This girl walks around like the Mary Tyler Moore show opening but then it’s cut in with the actual Mary Tyler Moore show opening so they don’t even make you piece that together yourself.

-Some guy is a republican now and he’s all “ugh, these bleeding heart democrats!” while Sarah laughs.

-Republican is on the phone with his two ladies in a 3-way split screen but all he does is barely moves the phone away from his mouth to talk to each lady. He’s very good at having affairs.

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-You guys aren’t going to believe this but he’s now home with his girlfriend and the other girl shows up- SURPRISE! During a silent moment Kelly Lynn hilariously said “ew, shut up” to the tv.

-Another montage of actual news from the 70s. This could easily have been the whole movie.

-“George Wallace is a racist Hitler” is the line I just heard someone say.

-A blacksploitation movie plays and we realize that this is a great genre that will make it. Even in the 70s the stereotype was that black people loudly talk through movies and make them way better.

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-The feminists started a bookstore! It’s a lot like the one in Portlandia. They tell Amy Smart that being a model means that she’s being objectified- she is fucking shocked by this.

-Now the Republican is working undercover for the Democratic candidate and drawing a map- is he going to bomb the place? What kind of espionage can you do as a lying volunteer in a voting office?

-Oh, now a fake watergate thing is happening but it’s clearly LA Center Studios. I think I can see my parking space from last year from here. Bob Woodward makes a phone call somewhere.

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-There is a beauty contest called “Miss Martini” and they have martini shakers and trays on their heads. She spills a drink and is quickly fired and hustled out of there because they only let the best of the best be Miss Martini in this town.

-Dexter is on a date with a foxy lady and a handicapped war vet comes wheeling down the street to remind them both of their pasts and it gets HEAVY.

-Someone says “I think he’s SOOOOOOOOOO…” Sarah- “Was there an end to that sentence?” No, in fact there was not.

-Nixon was just elected and everyone is sad. Except for that one Republican guy. He’s pretty psyched.

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-Some random guy comes up to the Republican and is all “I believe no good deed should go unpunished” and I assume it’s foreshadowing for him getting arrested but he celebrates because he’s just some dumb ol’ Republican.

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-Some band records very light rock while wearing a lot of fringe and burning a lot of incense. They’re vibing. Amy Smart is all “I’d rather be dancing in the moonlight” so the guy recording just changes the lyrics and the band just records it differently. HISTORY IS CHANGED!

-Everyone flew to LA to go to Dexter’s wedding despite not speaking to him since college and that whole thing where he killed their friends.

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-The Republican and the girl wearing the dumbest dress ever hook up after the wedding. Her dress is so bad that this dude has to undo the bodice strings to get her naked. Kelly calls the dress Bennett-sister chic but really short.

-White guy and black guy playing basketball. White guy plays in white converse, black guy plays in black converse. So many differences between the races, you guys. Oh no! The the white guy just said JIVE.

-Some girl’s mom has left her dad because it’s time for her to HAVE MORE. The feminists predicted this one with their feminist super powers.

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-I think the Republican guy is finally getting in trouble for his espionag-ing that I don’t quite comprehend. He’s RUNNING and assuming he can just outrun the law and just be free. That’s how being arrested works. Most of this is filmed in the dark so I really don’t know what’s happening. Also, is that just that bridge in Pasadena in front of a DC greenscreen?

-Amy Smart is fighting with her boyfriend. Sarah “Why are they fighting?” and Kelly answers “She wanted to go out and he didn’t.” Reason enough!

-One would think that was a no big deal fight but one would be wrong. HE’S DEAD! He OD’ed despite not having a drug problem before. That’s how bad that fight was.

-Dexter is all in a car accident and maybe dead. Cliffhanger.

-A deep throat-esque scene in the parking lot of LA Center Studios again.

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-The feminists are super psyched about the Billie Jean King tennis match. Me too. I wish we could just watch that for a while.

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-Amy Smart realizes that her brother is in trouble with Watergate because she sees him on the news being questioned.

-At some point I started typing Tara Reid instead of Amy Smart by accident. I hope I fixed all the times it happened.

-This girl has an art degree so she’s all “office work isn’t enough for me” but these turtle necked men just don’t take her artwork seriously. I feel for her until we see that her artwork is the fucking worst and made with fat markers.

-Amy Smart looks like a mess so Sarah thinks she’s on drugs now. Kat- “Apparently she slept in her apartment for a year after her boyfriend died” (because we found out a year has past).

-Studio 54!

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-The modeling agency is all “you shouldn’t have taken that year off” from when she slept all that time. She’s all “I’m only 24!” but in modeling years that is like being 50. The modeling agent is all “at least this happened when you were young enough to find something to fall back on.” Amy Smart- “but modeling is what I was falling back on.” Hahahahahah, oh girl.

-Amy Smart gets a gig as a live mannequin in a store window mixed in with other real mannequins. It’s terrifying.

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-There something plotty but I don’t get it because there has been no attention to plot at all throughout this movie. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

-The brunette’s house at the holidays is super depressing because her mom became all women’s libby. Her dad learned to cook though so it’s not all lost. It’s implied that her dad just sits there in the dark alone now.

-The white WASPy family is fighting. About politics I think? Amy Smart doesn’t seem to know either and she is living it.

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-The brunette is pissed because her boss took her sweet sweet art ideas and said they were his. Welcome to the entertainment biz!

-Amy Smart is go-go dancing but it’s to slow music. Is that a thing? If it is, it’s the most boring thing ever.

-Amy Smart is getting headshots I think but it’s very much like the Coco scene from Fame. I think it’s foreshadowing her porny future.

-Republican guy has a beard and is working for an oil company in Alaska or something. I think he thinks he’s helping the earth right now or something but he’s working for Exxon-Valdez so we all know how that ends.

-“Is this guy turning into Forrest Gump?” asks Kelly when he starts running for no reason. I would not put it past this movie to act like Forrest Gump was a real person from history.

-Something happened but I was looking at my phone because I forgot this movie was still on.

-The feminists are having a meeting and there is a sweet sweet poncho in the room.

-“This mom left her husband, moved into the city and got a huge apartment and great job… I wanna do this too.” -Sarah is jealous of this mom who got women’s libbed.

-HOLY SHIT! Amy Smart moved to LA and all she does is drive around in a Thing (like the jerk boyfriend in Isis) and now she in an amazing hippy cult in the woods.

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-SOMEONE JUST SAID JIVE TURKEY. The crowd goes wild! The crowd being the people in my apartment.

-Brunette is suing her boss for stealing her ideas and the feminist is her lawyer. Feminista to the rescue!

-She loses! Which is unfortunately realistic.

-That Republican guy is still running in Alaska.

-The brunette is walking around in tiny shorts that are so unflattering. Sarah- “they give her a front butt and a bubble butt, AND she tucked her shirt in.” The blackout happens while she’s on the phone and it’s illustrated by showing her half of the phone call split screen going to black.

-More CA cult footage. Lots of white outfits.

-Amy Smart has changed her name to April- “What a bullshit cult name!” – Sarah. Brunette tries to save her but nope, she’s April now.

-CUT TO THE JONESTOWN MASSACRE ACTUAL FOOTAGE. Yup. This makes me think that Amy Smart was supposed to be in the Jonestown Massacre but no, just footage that has nothing to do with the scenes we’re watching.

-Amy Smart’s friends show up and throw her in a van to free her from this cult.

-Deprogramming montage to “Dust in the Wind.” Kat- “It only took one song to make her okay.”

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-Just kidding! Dexter has flown in from LA to help with this and is all “nothing is getting through” and everyone is sad. Her shitty dad cries and that snaps her out of it.

-Kat- “hahahahah, this movie is terrible.”

-Some stupid wedding with terrible dresses happens. EVERYONE IS HAPPY! Most of all us.

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Even the feminista!

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They even throw in a black power pose in the wedding pics!

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3 thoughts on “The 70s.

  1. I thought 2:30 movies were crazy but this one takes the cake! It was a mini-series though. If it makes you feel better he was more defined by his cool afro and movie theater than killing those college students.

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