Ohhhhhhhh yes, this is a movie called “Dirty Teacher” and it had me at hello. Just that title sold me before I knew anything else about it.
I wanted to watch it so badly that it motivated me to do another post more quickly. It may be a bad sign that I can’t even find a poster for this movie online but I will not be deterred!
The movie opens with a young blonde girl being escorted out of her house by police while her parents freak out and she thinks about bloody bodies. The squad car pulls away in slow motion. DIRTY TEACHER.
One month earlier. Oh man, did all this seduction and murder happen in one month?
This blonde girl is in school and her asian friend walks up all “can you believe he texted me this during class??” and I assume it’s a dick-pick but I think it’s asking her to do it with him because blondie all “well, are you gonna do it??” and they never show the phone.
Then her boyfriend walks up and is all over her while we establish that blondie is the “teacher’s pet.” She goes and gives this teacher a present for her new baby and the teacher is really nice and all “I’m sure you’ll like the new teacher.”
I’m sure she won’t. Hello! Dirty teacher foreshadowing.
The new teacher is being shown the baseball team practicing on the baseball field for some reason. This team has won the championships for the last 8 years. SUPER CLOSE UP ON DIRTY TEACHER’S EYES AS SHE HONES IN ON A GUY PREDATOR STYLE.
Blondie is named Jamie. She wants to go to Wittendale and it’s some fancy college that she is both not smart enough to get into but also her parents cannot afford it. You can always go to Stansbury: the Harvard of the West. She’s pissed to learn that they want her to go to a more affordable college.
She runs right over to her boyfriend’s place to anger-kiss him. He’s thinking more anger-boning but she’s all “I’m not ready for that” and he’s all “just promise that when you are ready, I’ll be the one.” Awwww, young stupid love.
Then his mom walks in and it’s awkward. Also, the mom is all “maybe you should be studying at your house” because it’s clear that his mom hates this girl. She is all “you’ll never get into Stanford if you keep playing baseball and spending time with this girl.”
HOLY CRAP! Dirty Teacher is sexily walking around her empty classroom and then she opens her compact and see’s a little girl staring back at her- FLASHBACK to someone yelling at a child “your mom is never coming back! She’s dead!”
What the fuck just happened? This movie is incredible.
Now dudes are in the classroom all “I won’t be skipping this class anymore” because this teacher is so effing sexy I guess.
She gives out some very basic quizzes on Shakespeare and baseball hotshot Danny seems like he doesn’t understand things like “Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo” so I don’t think Stanford was ever in the cards for him.
Teacher sexily tells him that he needs to see her after school while his girlfriend waits in the doorway.
Now it’s after school and they’re in a steamy one-on-one study session where he seems even dumber than before. Danny tells her she’s pretty cool and she focuses on him with her laser eyes. It’s amazing how this is being played / directed.
Danny says his first anniversary with Jamie is Thursday so he can’t be tutored that day. Teacher is clearly upset to learn that he has a serious girlfriend. I don’t get this at all because high school boys didn’t appeal to me in high school so I really don’t get it from an adult standpoint.
Jamie’s parents are apparently broke and her dad isn’t working or something but she is taking calls from their lush backyard next to their beautiful pool.
Dirty teacher is laying next to a container for a pre-paid cell phone texting Danny about doing a baseball themed term paper and then using smileys and winky faces because she might be a 14 year old at heart.
Ahhhh, Jamie’s dad used to work for Danny’s dad but he got fired after 18 years working there and now the families are awkward. This is why the kids dating is so hard for Danny’s mom. Now that is some fast back story! Danny’s dad now mocks her dad for being an unemployed loser. Wow, classy.
Dirty teacher has another flashback to her weird childhood (yes, she looked into another mirror) and in this flashback little kid her walks up to the evil stepmother and stabs her in the arm while she’s sleeping. Uhhhhh, yeah, that just happened.
Now Jamie is talking to Dirty Teacher about this C she got on a paper and saying that she needs to get a better grade to get into Wittendale. The teacher is all “you’ll have to stay after school tomorrow to re-write it if you want a better grade” knowing that tomorrow is her year anniversary. SNEAKY.
Also, Jamie says that her dad has been out of work for over a year so I’m surprised that she was so shocked to hear that her parents can’t afford a fancy college.
While she’s re-writing the paper the teacher happens to pick up Danny after practice all “I have a sure way to cheer you up, hop in!” Um, so this teacher came to this school for the express purpose of seducing a student. She’s not even pretending to be a teacher at all. She even bought a pre-paid cell phone ON DAY ONE.
At this awkward dinner with Danny and Dirty Teacher she’s all “what were your plans? A little dinner and then doing it in the backseat?” Danny is all “what?” She’s all cool like she knows how kids are but he just drops the “we never do it” bomb and she just leans her boobs all over him in the car. To Danny’s credit he doesn’t take the bait and says he needs to get back to his car. He seems kind of weirded out but that’s most likely going to be short lived. Also, this was her grand plan to cheer him up? Some shitty sports bar?
Jamie asks him where he went after practice but he lies and she knows he’s lying so it has begun. He starts day dreaming about dirty teacher boobs.
Jamie and Danny are at a party and it’s really stilted between them but she’s all “I’m sorry about our anniversary and I want to make it up to you” so he shuttles her into a bedroom post haste. He unbuttons her pants and she’s all “DANNY STOP!” and it’s very confusing since she was super psyched to get into this bedroom. The writing and acting in this movie is very all over the place with intense endings to sentences that come out of nowhere. Danny leaves the room QUICKLY.
Dirty Teacher is laying in bed in her black underwear just texting Danny. What if he didn’t write back? Her evening would just be laying here in her underwear with a phone in her hand.
She asks if he knows anything about cars and since he has a boner and nowhere to use it he goes running to her place.
She throws on her juicy sweats and half shirt and meets him at her car. Uh oh! His hands get dirty so she takes him inside to wash them herself while she giggles.
They’re kissing and it’s weird and Danny gets all stressed out about it. She’s all “you’re 18, you can do whatever you want!” Which I don’t think is true and is also a bad message for a teacher to send. This lady might not actually be a teacher though. We have seen nothing to prove that she is one, after all.
She takes off her shirt and is all “don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone, it will be our secret.”
Danny drives up to his house and drunk Jamie comes stumbling up to him all “where have you been??” and he claims he’s been nowhere. She says that she knows he was with someone but he’s all “no way.” He then acts scandalized that she’s been drinking. Oh please, get off your high horse. His mom comes outside and is all “call her a cab, she’s drunk!” but she jumps in her car and drives off.
When she gets home her mom is pissed but Jamie doesn’t care and tells her to just ignore her like usual.
At school Jamie gets her re-done paper back and it’s still a C. She’s pissed and rightfully so. She’s all “It’s like the teacher has something against me” and yes, that’s true.
Jamie goes to talk to the teacher after school but uh oh, Danny is already in there and they are really close together. Jamie quickly pieces it all together about 100x faster than most people in Lifetime Movies.
She’s pissed! She has all of these thoughts while driving but it’s unclear where she’s driving to.
Meanwhile, at Dirty Teacher’s house, she and Danny are just laying in bed talking about how he’s not sure if he wants to go to college and how his parents aren’t fair. Just what every adult woman wants to hear from her boyfriend. She says “sometimes mothers and fathers can drive us to do things that they feel that we have to do.” She should know, since she’s the same age as this dude’s mother. She tells him about her foster mother and how she died young (from being stabbed with insulin until she ODed, so that’s what that last flashback was about). So this woman is a weird seductress of teenage boys AND a murderer.
At school Jamie glares at Dirty Teacher and the teacher looks mildly worried.
Jamie walks up to Danny who is texting and is all “WHO ARE YOU TEXTING??” and he’s a terrible liar who stammers and looks confused and says he has to go when she brings up how the teacher keeps giving her bad grades. Very smooth, Danny.
She follows him after school… right to Dirty Teacher’s house! She is looking through the window at them in pre-sex mode when he asks if she’s failing Jamie on purpose. Teacher is all “purrrrrrr what is she telling you?” Then Danny looks up and sees Jamie looking through the window.
Woooops. He freaks out but Dirty Teacher is all “don’t worry, I can make sure she doesn’t say anything.” What?? What can she do? I want to know but Danny runs out of there instead.
He drives to Jamie’s house and is all “You know what a hard ass my dad is, he can’t find out!” She is all “you’re cheating on me AND I’m getting failed because of what you’re doing and you want me to cover your ass??” Great points, girl.
Danny just goes home after instead of back to Dirty Teacher’s house and SHE IS PISSED. She keeps texting him and he’s ignoring her and she’s pacing in her house sputtering to herself and screeching. She is so balanced and cool and collected.
At school she goes up to Jamie all “I changed your grade from a C to an A because I made a mistake” and Jamie is all “yeah, this doesn’t make up for what you did.”
Jamie shows Danny the paper to prove that she was being failed on purpose. Danny is all “I’ll end it today I promise, thank you so much for not telling anyone.” Now he’s coming over tonight so I guess she’s forgiving him? Oh girl.
Dirty teacher tells the principal about how Jamie is exhibiting behavioral problems.
This movie is only half over but I feel like a lot has already happened. What a whirlwind!
Danny texts Dirty Teacher to meet him in the park and she RUNS TO THE PHONE in her belly shirt made of lace and giggles “I knew it! He still wants me!” and then looks in the mirror and sees something else horrible from her childhood. Lady, you need less mirrors in your life if this keeps happening.
Danny arrives at the park and she’s all “oooh, so secluded, I love it.” He drops the bomb that he’s back with Jamie and she freaks out sobbing uncontrollably and saying “no! You still want MEEEEE!!”
He tells her she’s a freak as he walks off to get in his car.
NOT SO FAST! She fucking runs him over. Just like that.
As it turns out, murdering is not as far in her past as I thought it was. She very calmly gets his phone out of his back pocket and drags his body out of the road before leaving. Easy peasy.
Jamie is at her house wondering where the eff Danny is. Oh good, the teacher looks up Jamie’s address and heads to her house since she overheard that her parents are out this evening. The teacher is totally outside framing her for the crime!
Putting Danny’s phone in her car and putting blood on her bumper. Wow! Something tells me she has done this before.
Jamie hears something outside but thinks it’s Danny. Her dad gets home making it possible for Dirty Teacher to make a clean escape.
Danny’s mom wakes up and realizes that he never came home. Hmmmm, troubling.
Dirty Teacher takes her car to get it fixed and this lady at the body shop is all “aww, did you ding your car buying new shoes” and dirty teacher is all “where is a man I can talk to??” She needs someone to rub her boobs on.
Some dude comes over and is all “there is blood on your car.” She lies and says she hit a deer but then asks how much she has to pay for his full discretion and he says 2 grand. I doubt he believes your deer story now, lady.
The cops here are the least believable movie cops since Arnold in Kindergarten Cop. I think they walked right off a USA original pilot from 1994.
Dirty Teacher is in a drive through car wash and that won’t get DNA off your car. You have to get it fully detailed and I know that because of my Law and Order background.
The cops notice that no one made an effort to hide Danny’s body or his car and that’s interesting. They assume the killer was in a hurry. Riveting police work here.
Jamie’s mom sits her down and tells her Danny is dead. Jamie’s reaction is the same dead face she had when she found out he was banging the teacher.
They get to the police station and Danny’s mom is all “did you get drunk and run my son over with your car because he dumped you??” Man, Danny’s mom still hates Jamie.
The cops ask Jamie what Danny said he was going to do before he came to her house the night he died- she just tells them that he was going to break up with their teacher. SHOCKS EVERYONE! Her parents especially.
The cops go to question the teacher and she’s all “what a horrible thing to say.” She is really trying to smooth things over with these cops. I can’t tell if they’re buying what she’s selling. They ask where she was on Friday and she says she was at the movies seeing “Blackberry Winter.” They ask for the ticket stub so now I’m wondering if they don’t believe her. She somehow produces a ticket stub for this movie and they’re like “hmmm, thanks.” How did she do that??
The cops are all “it’s their words against each other” and decide to arrest Jamie. Stupid cops.
Search warrant being executed at Jamie’s house and of course they find the planted blood and Danny’s cell phone. Annnnd, now we’re up to the scene the movie opened on.
Her parents are told it will cost them 50k to make bail. They’re broke so we know that won’t work. I don’t get bail and no matter how much Law and Order I watch it doesn’t become more clear to me.
Dirty Teacher is watching the news about how Jamie murdered Danny and is a little “good job me” about it when she turns off the life and sees Danny’s bloody face in bed next to her.
Jamie is bailed out and informed that she won’t be allowed to leave the house until after the trial. She’s pissed but she should be happy they bailed her out, what an ungrateful brat. Her parents inform her that Dirty Teacher has an alibi so the cops stopped looking at her. Jamie all “then maybe we should look ourselves.” That convinces her mom who starts doing some detective work the next day.
Her mom’s style is to walk into Dirty Teacher’s classroom and straight up ask “are you framing my daughter?” while the dirty teacher freaks out all “I AM OFFENDED AT YOUR ACCUSATIONS!” Then she lets slip that Danny confided in her about something and mom is all “how lucky he had you to talk to.” I like her direct approach. Dirty Teacher makes up a staff meeting she has to attend and takes off.
Mom now uses her file cabinet key to get into her cabinet and then her purse to find her car keys and then her car. This mom is better than all the cops in this town. HA! She starts up the GPS and that garage that fixed her car is the last location programmed into the GPS. Let me say it again, stupid cops.
Mom goes to ask the garage if any car was brought in this week with damage to the front end. Of course the guy is all “nope, never.” But the lady mechanic who hated her comes out and tells her the whole story. She won’t tell the cops though because she doesn’t want to lose her job.
Dirty Teacher realizes someone has been in her car but her actions are as harried and full of grunting as usual. She sees the GPS is on and showing the mechanic’s address. GRUNT!
Parents are discussing how they have to make this woman confess because her car was fixed 3 days ago. Jamie is all “so let’s get her to confess.” They’re not as confident as she is especially since she is under house arrest.
In Dirty Teacher’s house she is freaking out and screaming and crying and sighing and grunting that this “IS NOT FAIR!” and “WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS?!” It’s amazing.
Jamie somehow gets her ankle bracelet off (I think?) and goes over to Dirty Teacher’s house to interrogate her. This doesn’t sound safe. We know this lady murders people indiscriminently. She tells the teacher that they have the grill from her car but she’s all “what grill? who?” She then realizes that Jamie is recording her and gets all pissed about it.
Dirty Teacher smashes the iphone with her dirty stiletto heel while laughing and calling Jamie an idiot. Jamie says that Danny didn’t want her anymore and thought she was a weird old lady and that does it. BUTCHER KNIFE IS IN PLAY.
Somehow the teacher’s face gets cut and the idea that she may be ugly now is so horrific that she pledges to kill the shit out of Jamie.
As she stabs at her she’s all “you deserve to die, just like Danny deserved to die!” and the cops run in because they were following Jamie’s ankle bracelet. Ahhhh, I get it now, she didn’t take if off. Dirty Teacher tries to be all “oh thank god, officer, you’re here, this lunatic broke into my house.”
The cop is all “hello, we could hear you and see you with the knife” so she beans him with a fireplace poker and runs out of the house. Jamie grabs the cop’s gun and runs outside and tells teacher to freeze. Jamie and her mom should take over this police department. PS. when these cops are really acting they’re all very obviously Canadian.
Jamie gets mail that says she got into Wittendale. The end.
They cut out when the news is still good and her parents haven’t dropped the whole “we maxed out all our credit cards and your grandma’s money posting bail for you” news that means she cannot go to Wittendale. Smart move, editors.
This movie was bananas and amazing and totally back to the wonder that got me into loving Lifetime Movies from the start.