Anna Nicole.

My birthday was last weekend and in honor, I assume, Lifetime aired a new movie. Anna Nicole Stories, directed by Mary Harron, a director who I totally love and who also happens to be a woman I can look up to as a director myself.

The hairpin did a funny piece on the movie before it aired. Read it here.

My sister warns that it takes a lot of liberties, which is strange since this is a lady who lived a totally crazy life anyway but I will heed the warning. This is also the first movie on the blog that I’m watching with my boyfriend Chris and he would like it to be said right up front that he is great and that he took me to a nice dinner before this so there you have it. Dinner and a Lifetime Movie is a wonderful evening, he’s correct. He’s never read the blog so he’s just going along for the ride.

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The movie opens with a montage of glamorous red carpets and then ends abruptly with a dead woman in a morgue.
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LESSON??

Now there’s a little girl riding a bike on a country street so I guess we’ve gone way back in time?

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“My momma married four different men… none of them were worth two effing craps.” I think that’s what she said. This voice over is very southern twangy you can count on that. While her mom is beaten by a dude in another room she looks at a Playboy with Marilyn Monroe on the cover and dreams.

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I can’t stop laughing at how ridiculous that is. Then she envisions her future Anna Nicole self in the mirror telling her she’s pretty.

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Cut to her as a 13 year old piling on the makeup and her mom telling her she’s gonna start getting boy attention even if her makeup is a mess. Then she walks out of the room and locks her daughter inside saying that she’s keeping her from balling some guy in the back of a Buick and repeating her mistakes. Poor little Vicky Lynn is all “I just wanna go bowling” and pounds on the door while her mom lights up a Kool Light and reads a magazine. Wow.

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Cut to teenaged? 20 year old? Vicky with a baby getting into her car and running away from a very 70s guy. She goes to her mom’s house and her mom is all “I told you never to have a baby so young” and her mom doesn’t even let her inside because she has a fella in there.

Next scene is in Houston. Chris: “This reminds me of the Dwight Howard free agency news from today.” Dwight Howard is going to play for the Houston Rockets and no one reading this blog would ever care but there you have it.

Vicky Lynn is making it work as a stripper with a magical black friend. She’s Anna Nicole now as her stage name. She has a hard time getting it together to go on stage so the friend gives her a xanax to calm her nerves. Chris thinks this is foreshadowing her drug problem and maybe it is because she quickly downs it with an entire glass of champagne.

She stumbles out onto a tiny stage in the middle of the strip club and does the worst awkward dance ever in a giant blonde wig.

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The DJ cuts the music and she’s all “hey, I wasn’t finished” so he puts on a slow song and she sort of flops her body around the pole and this guy looks at her like “YES!” because she’s so real? I don’t know. She’s going to make it though, I think.

She goes home and plays with her son and then goes back to work to gyrate in a cowgirl costume. Fellas, keep this in mind next time you’re at a strip club, the kids you’re supporting.

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Her rise to the top of the strip club world in Houston is apparently very very fast and she’s now got a huge crowd of men in the palm of her hand and a much better wig (or are we supposed to believe it’s her real hair now?). She’s got it all! She even gets a house for her and her son. He’s so happy and that just reminds me that he died in real life and that’s sad. They run and jump into a swimming pool fully clothed because they’re so happy. This is definitely the best directed Lifetime Movie I’ve ever seen but the writing is not good at all.

The ladies in the strip club dressing room are saying Playboy is looking for local talent and everyone is all excited. She gets the skeezy dude who watched her first dance to photograph her and it’s implied that she’s paying for the photos with sex but I guess she’s okay with that? It’s unclear. He says Playboy will really like them but wouldn’t Playboy take their own photos? I clearly have no idea how the porn industry works.

The old guy she falls in love with comes in to watch her dance and HOLY SHIT IT’S MARTIN LANDAU!!! I looked it up online to make sure I’m not envisioning things and it totally is. Also, I learned that Cary Elwes is in this movie. Amazing. They are making it seem like the guy was 100 when they met and he was almost dead.

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The scene where she says hello to him he just gapes his mouth open and looks shocked.

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Montage of her dancing while Martin Landau is hypnotized. They’re in love now I think. Chris is now reading the actual Anna Nicole Smith wiki page instead of watching this movie.

Martin Landau shows her his ranch and tells her she should have the horses and bring her son there and be intimate- that’s all he’s looking for. She seems psyched. She tells him she doesn’t want to be taken care of, she wants to be famous. He says that she makes him feel 75 again. I’m not joking, that’s what he said.

They hang out in bed eating popcorn and watching sports and this does not seem like a bad life at all. Her nickname for him is pa-paw which is what my cousin called our grandpa she was little. That’s not creepy at all.

They’re diamond shopping. This is similar to the Pretty Woman shopping montage.

I’ve always believed her when she said she loved him in real life because she was used to such shitheads that I’m sure this guy who thought she was beautiful and perfect and was just nice to her was a nice change. This movie goes that way slightly but also makes her out to be a monster like the press sometimes did.

Some lawyer warns his son that it looks like daddy is in love with a gold digger. MARTIN LANDAU’S SON IS CARY ELWES. He hates her though and is all suspicious and not all “as you wish” like I prefer him.

Cary Elwes asks her what she does and she says she’s a model and an actress and he says he heard she was a white trash pole dancer so that’s funny. UNCOOL, Westley. He trashes her some more and calls her a phony while she says that his dad has proposed more than once and she has not said yes so suck on that one. He does a “eh eh eh” laugh as he walks off. He’s like the penguin in the old Batman show it’s so over the top.

She blows off steam from this by doing coke while driving and drinking whiskey out of the bottle (on top of a xanax) because she finds out she got into Playboy and she’s so happy. She crashes her car- did that really happen?

She gets out of the hospital in her fancy dress and heels but all scratched up and with bandages on. What a night, huh?

She’s somehow nervous to be nude for the playboy shoot after all we’ve seen so far. It’s like she got shy again suddenly in the last scene. She also says she’s not drinking anymore. She drops the robe and she’s fine again I guess because she works the camera in another photo montage. The photographer is calling her Vicky Lynn so I guess Anna Nicole is still just her dancer name?

In the next scene she’s told she’s every man’s fantasy and is made the new face of Guess. It’s just that easy, ladies.

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“From waitressing at Red Lobster to Larry King Live” is the intro on Larry King one night. That’s funny.

Oh, I just realized that the VO left before because now it’s back and I hate it again.

Now she’s in LA but where is her pa-paw? She’s laying in a pool drinking a daquiri and I am totally jealous. Also, she clearly is drinking again.

Some Guess party where she is mingling with fancy people happens. In montage form. She sits on some guy’s lap and the Guess dude is all “don’t do that kind of stuff when you’re the face of Guess” and she giggles.

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She’s Playmate of the year and giving out the trophy at some racing event and posing for photos.

She puts four xanax into a glass of champagne and then drinks it. That would literally kill me. Holy shit.

Next thing you know she’s wasted on the roof of a car. She and her friend are sloppy and falling all over the lobby floor while dudes cheer. Gross. Now they’re making out in an elevator because that’s a thing we know about her? I don’t think so but I guess this is where my sister’s warning comes into play. Her son sees her sloppy and making out with a drunk lady and it’s unpleasant.

She wakes up and her son asks which pills she will start with today and then lectures her on how bad she is at being a mom while she vomits.

Cary Elwes is showing his dad hotel footage of her in that sloppy elevator so I guess this is still when she was with him and he was alive. Martin Landau doesn’t care and tells him to leave. The Guess guy sees the video too and they’ve canceled her contract. She tells her agent to find her something better and he says that she’s no longer his client. Since when did being a sloppy mess mean getting less work in Hollywood? I guess the 90s were a very different time.

She marries Pa-paw. It’s a very silky white affair.

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Her mom is there despite not RSVPing and says “you know, you could have done worse.” They make her mom out to be the worst. Danny (the son walks up) to see her and she’s all “you’re so handsome… I know where you got your looks from” clearly implying not from his hideous mother. WTF?

She is offered a modeling job in Greece during her wedding. She packs on their wedding night to leave for 48 hours and Martin Landau cries which I find incredibly sad.

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He and her son fall asleep while David Letterman counts down the top 10 dating tips of Anna Nicole.

While doing the shoot they make it clear they expect her topless but she was not booked to be topless. She just does it anyway because they’re all “how could we make it work otherwise?” Ugh, this scene is so gross. Then they give her tons of xanax and qualuddes and she does her shoot. Who booked this shoot for her?? Fire them.

Clubby montage that ends with her in bed with some young studly guy. Who would know this? Just guessing?

Adam Goldberg is playing her lawyer Howard Stern and he’s offering to just represent her while she’s wasted and eating a lobster. He says he wants to take her straight back to the top… can a lawyer do that? She plops a xanax into his wine to see if he can handle her.

They meet some filmmaker and Howard is all “you could star in his new movie” so I guess he’s an agent / lawyer now?

She dances on a table in a dress that just barely covers her entire nipples. Chris- “do all Lifetime Movies show this much skin?” Montage of Howard Stern getting totally wasted with her.

We see Martin Landau in his wheelchair seemingly while she’s off partying. Cary Elwes tricks him into signing some papers while he’s looking feeble because he’s still a cartoonish villain.

The first thing that happens is Anna Nicole’s check bounces. What check? I don’t know. Does she get a monthly check? Cary Elwes tells her to put that in her butt and smoke it.

While Martin Landau lays in bed with breathing tubes in his face she is all “tell me you’re gonna take care of me and Danny” but he’s clearly unable to speak. She actually gets up on the bed and puts her boobs on him to awaken him but you know, he’s dying, so those boobs aren’t THAT magical.

Now he’s dead. He’s buried in his wedding suit and she wears her bright white wedding gown and sings Amazing Grace with Danny by the coffin. Weirdest funeral ever.

Howard Stern holds a meeting trying to get her work and it ends with her getting her E reality show. I totally watched this show and it was sad as heck. She was just wasted and depressed and her son was clearly hating it and the Howard Stern stuff was weird- were they a couple? They always said no but why was her lawyer always effing at their house?? “Howard thinks this show could get me a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.” Hahahahaha, oh god.

Danny hates doing the show and pitches a diva fit about it but he’s the correct one in this scenario.

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They are not being subtle about her weight gain here- she’s literally walking around shoving food into her mouth and then just starts drinking a milkshake that was in someone else’s hand. Even in this version I’m totally confused as to why Howard is on camera in this show as her lawyer.

Now sloppy sad old Anna sees little kid Vicky Lynn in the mirror and there’s more lame VO. She ODs and the next scene is at Betty Ford. Danny is all “I bet this will help your tv show!” Zing.

Some therapy happens in rehab with her mean mother. It’s really embarrassing and boils down to “GAH!” and kicks at the air and a tissue being thrown because Anna wants attention. No one in this scene is 13.

She runs on a track with Danny and Chris asks why Danny looks like such a weirdo. Those pants make his legs look 3 feet long. Dorf on running. Wait for it…

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She’s modeling again! Rehab really works. Oh yeah, it’s a trimspa commercial. I had totally forgotten these. Trimspa baby!

Anna tells her mom that she’s lonely and her mom is all “wait till you get to be my age.” That’s not depressing at all.

She climbs into the sofa bed with Howard Stern and tries to seduce him because she wants another baby. He’s clearly terrified of that prospect and is all “ummm, not now.” Still unclear if they’re a couple or why he’s sleeping on her sofa bed.

It’s Derby Day! I do not know why this plays into the story at all but I assume it’s Larry Birkhead getting his sperm into her somehow. HHAAAHAHAHHAHA, some dude in a shitty wig is Larry Birkhead and in the next scene he’s getting his sperm into her.

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I am so friggin’ psychic. This movie implies that they do it while Howard is on the sofa bed in the living room able to hear their moaning. I hope that did not happen in real life.

Howard says that the Supreme Court has agreed to hear their case to get her inheritance. Cary Elwes is there just as cartoonish as ever.

Real Today Show footage about the Supreme Court week where her case was deemed worthwhile.

They’re celebrating and she sips some champagne despite the whole rehab thing and the next thing you know she’s had a whole bottle and she’s drinking with some stranger while laying on a bar. Of course now is when Danny walks in and he’s worried since she’s supposed to be sober and all.

I just realized that the lady playing Anna Nicole was the girlfriend in the Craigslist Killer. CROSSOVER BLOG POST!

After getting wasted she goes to the hospital saying “I’m worried about my baby” and I realize that she was supposed to be pregnant in the previous scene. Chilling. Now I’m wondering what ever happened to that baby.

Danny comes to the hospital and he looks high so she asks if he’s been taking something and he’s all “you’re the drug addict!” but probably he’s also high. This family makes me sad.

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They’re in the Bahamas now so I think we can all guess what that means. Howard Stern films her being really out of it and scary and is all “this will be worth something one day.” Yikes. She’s still pregnant somehow.

This is how scary and out of it she is:
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WTF?!

She gives birth and the VO says that if the baby is born healthy she’ll never drink or do another drug again. It seems impossible that a healthy baby was born but she was. I still wonder about this kid though- did Larry Birkhead get custody? I feel like he did. This kid is out there somewhere… hopefully not ever seeing this movie.

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Danny comes to the hospital and she asks if he’s good and he says he is. Danny says “aww, you look just your dad” to the baby and then “wait, who is your dad?” Good lord, Danny lived the strangest life.

Chris just took a hilarious photo of a close up of boobs when he was trying to photograph the baby. Anna Nicole problems.

Danny is in her purse stealing her meds while she sleeps.

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Anna wakes up and is all “hello” to the baby and then gets out of bed and tries to wake up Danny. He’s dead, as we all know. It’s so crazy that she had a several years long drug problem and he just started taking them and died. It never makes any sense to me I guess when things like that happen. It never makes sense to me when people live for so long on drugs either. It’s all a mystery.

Anna freaks out at the funeral, as makes sense.

She kisses the cute cute baby and bounces her around in a very white room. She walks out of this overly lit room in an evening gown and full hair and make up into the white light of death. Wow.

The end.

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4 thoughts on “Anna Nicole.

  1. First, kudos to Chris for watching this whole thing with you. No points deducted for checking out the Wiki page. Second, this is a NEW movie about ANNA NICOLE??? Finally, I love that Sarah watches these Lifetime movies, too. 🙂

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