Kat has finally settled into her new apartment in Harlem so Brandon and I came over to do what all good friends do- watch a terrible movie and drink all of her booze. We are the best!
The movie we kind of decided on is “You Belong to Me” starring Shannon Elizabeth so you know the acting is going to be tops and there is a supernatural element so you also know I was sold immediately. At first I thought it was based on a Christopher Pike book and got really excited but Kat reminded me that that would be “Remember Me.” Now I want to read my old Christopher Pike books.
It opens creepily with some guy’s feet in the dark walking through grass up to a cute house. Instead of the house being important, the feet just keep on walking… and walking. Shannon Elizabeth is inside tucking a child into bed and saying “see you when the sun shines!” Outside the creeper still lurks.
Shannon Elizabeth tells some dude that the kid is really excited about spending time with him and he says “it’s more aboot the Corvette than me, eh” and we’re all “oh, this is Canadian.” She closes the blinds and the creeper takes photos from the bushes. We think these people are a couple and she’s going out of town for a day and the boyfriend will have the kid. Maybe? At first Kat thought she was some kind of hooker so we’ll see.
We literally don’t know anyone’s name or what’s happening but don’t worry a 4 minute sex montage with no words happens. It’s baffling. I guess it’s sexy? “This is just for sad lonely girls, huh?” asks Kat.
They’re sleeping and she hears a noise that wakes her up and she looks TERRIFIED. So maybe she knows there is a creep in their bushes all the time? She goes to check on the kid but he’s just sleeping.
The music gets super tense and then she sees… A BIG STUFFED TEDDY BEAR.
Next scene, the police are there. Why? Oh wait, that bear was not there before so he broke in and left a present for this kid. The cops are all “so he gave his kid a present?” as if breaking in in the middle of the night is no big deal. She says they’ve been divorced for 2 years and she has a restraining order against him. The boyfriend asks if he should throw the bear out and she says yes. The cops say there is no sign of forced entry anywhere and she panics that he made a key. Her boyfriend gives her the look of “this relationship has become complicated… I’m going to fire up the ol’ match.com profile after the cops leave.”
For some reason she’s holding a book through this entire scene and it was written by the ex husband. His name is Julian.
The boyfriend throws the bear away while someone creepily watches him from the bushes. Great job searching the premises, cops!
Shannon Elizabeth is at work and we’re supposed to believe that she’s a big time, hotshot book editor. She shakes hands with an old lady at work and the old lady is TAKEN ABACK and clearly freaks out at her touch but doesn’t say why, she just quickly leaves the room.
She tells her coworker that Julian was in her house last night and the girl seems worried but also VERY interested like it’s juicy and not scary as heck. Someone is sick at work, he says he has food poisoning, and he tells her that he’s having some dude edit some book that we know nothing about. This story is well written! She’s annoyed but he says the author loves men so that’s that. I think she was supposed to get a new client but now she and her coworker are doing it together?
On her desk there are some flowers and it’s from the co-worker she will be traveling with. He has really light lips that look dead so now I wonder if he’s the creep from the bushes. Also, the music that plays over him is creep music which I assume is a clue.
They meet with a southern lady who is all “I’m too damned crickety old to be traveling around the country” and says she’ll be writing her book in longhand. Where is this quaint southern lady located? Well, in the small town of New York City of course. She was married to a senator who died? I don’t know. I don’t know much. I think we just learned that Shannon Elizabeth’s name is Alex though so that’s some info. Finally, a name! The dude co-worker kisses her butt during the meeting and it’s very much like he’s hitting on her.
Alex meets her co-worker at dinner and says their boss is ecstatic because she called him and told him about the deal. Some lady comes by their table at a fancy restaurant and is all “shall I take your picture?” and she says no but he’s all “yeah” and has her come back. Brandon wants to know what effing restaurant walks around taking your photo like it’s a Disneyland ride. I find this guy to be weird. Kat thinks we’re going to see this photo used creepily by him later.
This dude wears a lot of eyeliner and also wears jewelry that’s some Irish thing that means something but it’s so boring that I’m not listening. 1600 and zzzzzzzz I lost interest. Someone who died gave it to him and it’s unclear if he’s saying his mom or his wife.
They leave and she thinks she sees Julian sitting on a bench in the park across the street and so she takes off across the street yelling at him for following her but it’s not him. It looks just like the one photo we saw so I don’t know how I would have guessed it wasn’t him.
The co-worker is off buying her flowers (for the 2nd time in two days!) in the least realistic NYC set of all time. I wish we could learn his name so I could stop calling this guy her co-worker. Maybe Mr. Eyeliner?
They go back to her hotel room. He asks her about her ex husband and she says she was 21 and an apprentice editor and he was the fancy writer but “it turned out he wasn’t a human being.” We are supposed to believe she’s 29 now. She says that the co-worker being at the meeting today made her nervous because she really wanted this deal but that it went great. He’s all “I make you nervous?” but don’t worry, her boyfriend calls and she’s all about talking to him and the co-worker is blown off to go to his own room and go to sleep like a normal co-worker.
I just looked it up on imdb and Shannon Elizabeth is 40.
She gets home and the boyfriend and son are all psyched to see her. Her life is just great! What a career lady having it all!
The boyfriend is such a man that he goes outside to work on his classic muscle car thing but we think he’s going to be crushed under the weight of his manly car hobby. SHOES! We see shoes walk into the room.
How is he not seeing this movement from the corner of his eye? Eek, I don’t like this. Kat thinks this is very Halloween for a Lifetime Movie.
FINALLY he sees the legs of a person by the car but he just says “hey, who’s there!” instead of getting out from under the car. The feet release the jack and crush him under the car. Would this kill him so quickly? It looks very painful but I don’t know how this works murdering-wise.
Brandon says that he and Kat are both editors so this is going to take forever when Kat rewinds to get the perfect photo. We’re also drinking… this movie is never going to end.
In the next scene something happens but I will never know what because they’re making fruit sandwiches and that’s getting all of our attention.
What the fresh hell are fruit sandwiches?!? Who eats fruit on bread? Is this a Canadian thing? Someone answer me.
We rewound just to see what went on these crazy bullshit sandwiches and it looks like a fruit compote, green apple slices and strawberries on white bread. Maybe marmalade? THE MIND BOGGLES.
Brandon really worked to get the perfect photo of the delectable fruit bread and I’m crying from laughter. I’m going to be honest, some people taking the photos may be high as well.
Alex gets to work and there is some shiny box on her desk and Kat is all “oooh, lingerie?” and I hope so because that would be creeptastic but no, it’s some boring book of poetry. Dullsville. She says she wants to treat co-worker man to lunch today and he’s so psyched. Her lady co-worker walks in and hilariously juts her boobs right up to his face and says “hi!”, as smoothly as you can imagine.
Her friend wonders if Mike (the creepy dude, we know his name now! Only took 45 minutes to get there) mentioned her on their trip because she likes him. Alex says to just go ask him out because she’s not getting that he likes her at all.
Uh oh, boyfriend’s job called to say he didn’t show up to court today. They don’t live together and she doesn’t know his co-workers but maybe she’s his emergency number? She goes to look for him and finds him under the car and I KNEW IT! He’s not dead, he’s knocking into the toolbox with a wrench to make noise and she calls the cops. She also calls her babysitter, that I’m starting to think lives with her, to warn her that her ex husband might be near their house and that he attacked her boyfriend. The babysitter is freaked out because what the hell is she supposed to do. She looks 15.
Alex yells at the police that she knows her ex husband did this and they say no one saw him so how does she know? SHE JUST DOES, OKAY! She says this guy was her lawyer in the divorce and got her her restraining order so he hates him. Kat- “not because he’s fucking you?” Touche.
We see someone is in their house and Brandon thinks their feet are small so now I’m worried I may be the murderer. They are pondering whether it’s the kid but I’m not sold on that one. Good guessing though, team. She rifles through her vanity while the scary shoes lurk in the hallway.
She has two messages from Mike at work, one saying he assumes she forgot about lunch and then one saying he heard what happened and to read the poem on page 117 of the boring book he gave her. She actually gets it out and reads it aloud for all of us to hear. It’s all “how do I love thee, let me count the ways…” while Shoes eavesdrops outside.
During her sleepy time Shoes just walks into her room but then it cuts to morning.
She’s sleeping when her kid walks in and pokes her in the face until she wakes up because kids are weird. They celebrate the boyfriend being okay and the babysitter says they’re going to make pancakes. I want a live in babysitter who makes me pancakes.
Alex gets to work and Michael is getting in at the same time and asks if she read that poem. He also asks about lunch today and says he noticed that her schedule was open and she starts to think that he might be a little creepy. They swipe into the office with punch cards with Kat thinks is foreshadowing. She goes to her desk and more effing flowers are on it. She asks her assistant where they came from and she says she doesn’t know. Her spidey sense is up. Instead of lunch with the creepster she goes to pick up her boyfriend from the hospital and he’s all “let’s have sexy times” because their sex music from earlier plays and she asks if it’s okay and he says “if it hurts, it’ll hurt good” and so it’s onnnnnnn. They’re having really bandage-y, grunt sexy while Shoes hangs out outside. A car falling on this guy won’t stop him from long, needless sex montages.
We also learn that the boyfriend has a gun and that the cops who were supposed to be watching the house have taken off. More foreshadowing.
They’re at his house and he has a full tea set and bed tray that she brings to him. Kat thinks this single guy has interesting decor choices and biscotti in his kitchen.
At work Michael gives her something and it’s the stupid Irish thing from earlier that his deceased mother gave him. She’s all “I can’t accept this!” but he says it’s a token of their friendship. She gets him to leave her office but then she starts to piece together more of his creepster ways.
Alex goes to tell her friend Boobs McGee and Boobs is all “duh, he likes you, big deal” but Alex thinks it may be a big deal since they work together and he can’t take a hint. They talk about telling their boss maybe, I’m not sure.
Boyfriend is at home when there is a knock at the door so of course he grabs his gun. It’s just the cops though, saying Julian is in London and has been for four months so he’s not the one stalking them. Boyfriend calls Alex to tell her but no answer.
Meanwhile, Michael asks Alex to get into his car and even though she’s clearly uncomfortable she gets in. No, girl. RUN.
She was just on the way to her car but now he’s driving on some country road- where the heck are they?? How is this only taking a second? Why does he wear so much eyeliner? She asks where they’re going and instead of answering he guns the engine and takes her to the edge of cliff, where you always go to talk with your friends in the dark while they’re menacing you.
Michael says that her boyfriend isn’t right for her and they have nothing in common. “Michael, you hardly know me.” “In days maybe, but we’ve known each other for a very long time.” What the hell is he talking about? She gets out her phone to call Boobs McGee to come get her but he’s all “you’ll need this” and he has the battery in his hand somehow.
Here we go, he’s admitting how many awful things he’s done so that he could “have her.” For one, he poisoned their boss so that he could go on the trip with her.
He freaks out and drags her to the edge of the cliff and says he’s not going to die alone but then, he slips and falls over the cliff alone. She seems to try to pull him up!
Holy shit, I am not the person who would do that while out alone with a dude trying to kill me. I would let him fall… which she eventually does.
Something happens during this struggle with the Irish necklace thing so maybe it’s cursed?
She talks to the cops about what happened.
She goes home and the babysitter is relieved that she made it home. Alex is in the kitchen and outside there are strange sounds that make her nervous but not too nervous to run a bath and take her clothes off slowly.
She hears a thud and it’s that poetry book, it fell and is open with the photo of them inside it. She picks it up and her hand shakes and then the scene fades to black.
Holy shit, Kat just paused and we’ve only been watching this movie for 49 minutes. I thought it was a minute away from being over. I’m going to need more boozy hot chocolate to get me through this.
Boyfriend calls to say that he’s flying to Denver at 4 for a deposition and he’ll be staying at the Denver Arms. After so few specifics we get the name of his hotel FOR NO REASON. Her phone rings again and it’s a scary witness protection voice reading that stupid poem to her and saying “I can love you better after death!”
The cops tell her that he fell 1000 feet so he must be dead but she asks if they ever found his body and they admit that they did not. She is not convinced so she goes out to the cliff in the night alone to check it out. Oh girl, no.
She sees his ghost in the road and swerves and almost causes a head on collision with a guy who stops to see if she’s okay. She says she saw someone in the road and the guy says he didn’t see anyone but he very nicely goes to look.
She goes to the police station and asks “what am I doing here? Why aren’t you out finding the body??” Yes, what are you doing here? Also, they found the body an hour ago and he looks great for someone who fell 1000 feet off a cliff. His eyeliner is fresh and in tact. The cop tells her that she should speak to a trauma counselor.
Alex calls her boyfriend and tells him that she saw Michael in the road and that it was scary and he asks if she’s okay and they do the I love yous and then hang up. “Everything is back to normal” Alex stupidly tells her babysitter.
Now she dreams that Michael is all over her in a suit while she’s sleeping and Kat thinks she’s having a dirty dream about her would-be killer. She wakes up and sees him on top of her in the suit he was in when he died and she screams.
The baby-sitter comes running in and so does her son. She says she had a bad dream. The son decides to sleep in her room but mom says he needs to go to his room because he has school tomorrow. That logic doesn’t even make sense, just let him stay in there.
It whips right across the room at her face! Whoa, I did not see that coming. She barely dodges it and then gets out of bed and grabs the babysitter and the kid and they run out of the house while seeing Michael in the mirror. This movie got much more scary suddenly. Her bedroom door is shaking from downstairs.
They go to Boobs McGee’s house to calm down and Boobs is all “remember that weird old lady who recoiled at your touch before? Let’s call her!” Or I assume because I wasn’t listening but now that old lady is here.
Old lady “Oh, I feel much anger.” Alex says that he was obsessed with her but let’s remember that she didn’t realize that until the last day he was alive. The old lady says she felt a darkness around her when they met but she didn’t know what it was.
They open the door and go inside. Brandon and Kat think Boobs McGee may be part of the bad stuff because the shoes were small and the bad guy wore gloves all the time and her feet look small…
The old lady says that his spirit is trapped between this world and the next, sees his reflection in the mirror and just bolts out the front door without a word. This old lady doesn’t trifle.
Old lady says he’s here to take “her back” so she’s all “he’s going to kill me??” and old lady is pretty blasé about it, but yes.
Boobs McGee says “I can’t believe I wanted to date him.” Hahahahah, I hear you, Boobs.
Alex is all “I’m not going to sit around waiting for some ghost to take me to his grave!” and she starts googling things about Michael’s family while really serious techy music plays like she’s a hacker and it’s 1999 again.
The kid is in the bedroom talking to someone and Boobs McGee is confused but then we see that he was talking into a mirror and eek, so scary. This kid is named Danny so Brandon sees Shining references.
Alex goes to meet Michael’s grandmother and she’s all “Michael spoke of you often” despite them knowing each other for like a week. She is so sorry about what Michael did to her and says it was so unlike him. Yes, Michael didn’t often stalk and attempt to murder women. His main hobby was makeup. She shows her a photo of Michael with his mom as a kid and his mom is essentially Shannon Elizabeth with a different haircut and is all “Michael often told me how much you looked like his mother.” Ummmm, ew, he was trying to seduce and murder his mother??
Grandma says she couldn’t find his Irish charm to bury him with it so I’m sure that’s what we need to get his spirit rested. Grandma shows her the garden but really just tells her the story of how Michael’s mom died at 31, near the cliff Michael died at and was with a very abusive man. A lot of story is just being told quickly by the grandma to get us to the end. The flowers in this garden are the flowers he kept putting on her desk. She sees a rock in the garden with a poem quote that makes her go hmmmmmm because I think it’s in the book he gave her.
Boobs McGee takes the babysitter and Danny to get clothes from the house but they’re nervous to go inside. They leave Danny in the car and go inside and come back and Danny is still in there. Brandon- “that was the most useless scene ever.”
Alex tells the weird old lady all of the stuff the Grandma told her and says she saw the medallion at the cliff but old lady is all “don’t go back there, he’s too powerful there.” She doesn’t know what else she can do so the old lady is all “okay, you can go but go alone.” Kat- “at night, with a quarter tank of gas.” Me- “in the rain, and definitely leave your cell phone at home.”
Brandon- “I just can’t get over how off the deep end this movie went.”
The old lady gives her a lot of jobs to do but it’s too much so I’m eating snacks instead of caring. Just know that to get a damned ghost to stop trying to murder you, you have to do a lot of tedious tasks and chants.
That stupid book of poetry is still in her house falling open and freaking her out. Get rid of it, Jesus Christ. Go back in time and get rid of it 2 days ago like you should have.
She’s at home when she gets a message from the babysitter that the place they were going for “snail harvesting” had a closed road but Danny’s friend knows a place so they’re going there. Danny’s friend is the ghost in the mirror! Don’t worry, they’re off in the woods snail harvesting with the purse and phone in the car where they won’t hear it ring. The woods are right by the cliff, dun dun dun.
Boyfriend shows up at the house and scares Alex. Kat- “Oh yeah, the boyfriend exists, I forgot about him.”
In the woods the babysitter asks what friend told Danny about this spot and he’s all “Michael” and the babysitter freaks out and starts running them out of the woods but a branch flies at them and lands in front of her so she trips. Is she knocked out or something? She barely tripped on a pile of leaves.
Alex and the boyfriend ride to the cliff while boyfriend is all “maybe you’re crazy… I’m just throwing that out there” and she is not that receptive to this theory. Then she sees Michael in the rearview mirror and freaks out and he is a bit like “see what I mean?” with his eyes.
The babysitter has woken up and Danny is relieved because she was asleep for a while despite her not hitting her head on anything. Now Michael is controlling her car and won’t let her brake so the car goes over the cliff but she and boyfriend bail. Bye bye, car and cell phone. She starts screaming for Danny and he hears her somehow from off in the woods in the dark.
Michael saunters up to her while she burns something and does some chant but it doesn’t appear to work. She lays over the cliff edge and finds his Irish necklace because in the days the cops were searching this area they didn’t notice it I guess. She throws it at him and yells some voodoo and his ghost evaporates. She’s powerful like a witch.
Alex is all “don’t worry, it’s all over now” and Kat is all “HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? You didn’t know ghosts existed until like yesterday!”
Awww, now they’re one big happy family.
She just tells Danny that they’re going to get married despite no one proposing… boyfriend is all “oh okay.” I guess that settles it.
Kat- “what a weird movie. This got made.”
Okay, so it was just this one guy the whole time? How did no one ever see him?? How was he getting into the house with no sign of entry?? Why was he leaving Danny presents? WHY WERE THEY EATING FRUIT SANDWICHES?! How long was this guy stalking her before the movie started? Why was her looking like his mom enough to make him want to stalk, bone and murder her?? No worries, she’s going to get married now and that’s all you need to know.
ps. Fruit sandwiches.