The Girl He Met Online.

The Girl He Met Online.

The Girl He Met Online.

The tagline for this movie is “A man’s relationship with a bipolar woman becomes dangerous.” So short, so simple, so great. I was ready for this immediately. Unfortunately I dvred this over a month ago to watch with my sister but then she decided to move away from NYC and we got busy doing things like packing all of her worldly possessions into a truck and this took a backseat. It was sadder for me than it was for her I think.

Then I got a horrible job that made me hate life for a month or so and I didn’t have time for things that were actually enjoyable… until now! So here we go, let’s see how this girl he meets online plays out. I assume they’ll fall in love and get married and live happily ever after, right?

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This blonde is on the phone with some guy and she appears to be in the copy room at work while he’s at home. He’s dumping her and she’s unhappy about it. She hangs up and gets in her car scowling, saying “that bastard, I’ll teach him.” It appears to be the middle of the day.

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She’s all “I just came to say goodbye to the place, Tony!” and then she throws some blue cheese into his car (where is he if his car is here??) and then spray paints the walls and tears up his suits with scissors.

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His house is super fancy so let’s just assume that she does like a bajillion in damages. Oh, she put on a classical record first and that was the soundtrack to her nutso freakout… until she pours a pot of coffee over his stereo system and speakers. Whoa, too far.

Then she drives away from the house all “damn you, you bastard, I hate you” mutterings to herself.

Now she’s home and she lives with her mom… wait, she tells her mom that she doesn’t have a car and takes the bus but we distinctly just saw her driving a car. She has a giant bag with her and mom is all “what’s all that stuff?” and she says nothing but mom is all “wait, did something happen with Tony??” Is her stealing a bunch of stuff from a dude who dumps her something she does often? Her mom foreshadows something, I assume, by saying she’ll be healed soon and able to get around again.

Blonde is at home scrolling through an online dating site going “too young, serial killer, let me guess, I bet you have a lot of love to give, blecchhhh” and on and on. I guess she bounces back quickly.

She happens by some dude who says he jetsets to Paris and something lame about modeling or models and THIS catches her eye. That would not entice me at all. We see him tell a friend that he thinks this girl sounds special while he looks at the online dating site in the middle of what looks like a dinner party.

At work, her doctor boss calls her into his office to sexually harass her while she looks very bored.

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I guess he gave her the car in return for her boning him so that explains the car. How has her mom not noticed the new car outside?? He says his wife will be out of town again soon and she looks sooooo bored but her interest is not important to him I guess. He likes that kind of really dull, passion-free affair.

She somehow googles this dude (is he using his full, real name on a dating site?) and finds out he’s worth 15 million dollars but his mom is in charge of the trust or some other money thing that rich people do that I don’t understand. She’s really excited to go out with him now!

Gillian (the blonde) tells her sister that she hates living with their mom but that she has to because she’s broke until she pays all of her legal bills. Flashback! She sees an ex cheating and runs up on him yelling that he’s a cheater while hitting him over the head with a bottle.

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He called the cops I guess while bleeding from the head and she was charged with assault.

I wonder if Tony will ever call the cops? I mean, she made it pretty obvious that she trashed his house.

So yeah, now she lives with her mom. She practices giggling in the car on the way to her date… ugh, this lady can’t act. AT ALL.

Her: I guess… you never know. with someone… you. meet online.

That’s how she delivers lines. Her eyes are always vacant, even when trying to kill someone with a bottle.

So she leaves for a hot date and her mom still hasn’t figured out that she has a car. The dude is all “you’re even more attractive in person!” We find out that she and her sister had parents that died in a car crash when they were little and they were adopted together.

He says that his dad died and she’s all “Oh yeah, I read that on a website.. GIGGLE! Oh, I’m so embarrassed that I let that slip, GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE.” He buys her nonsense and finds her adorable, EYE ROLL.

She says her adoptive mother had a heart attack but she’s recovering now. We flashback to her mom having a heart attack right in front of her while she stares at her like a confused puppy.

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How does this vacant woman work in a doctor’s office?!

Oh wait, as if the movie is psychic, she says she’s the business manager at the office, not in patient care at all. Thank god.

Now a montage of them falling in love- mostly eating and kissing. He toasts to meeting such an amazing “vision.”

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^^^ Making a dude run them around town^^^

While they’re in bed, having sex, her mom keeps calling her. Hahaha, when she gets home she asks her mom not to call her all the time while she’s out and mom is all “You could tell me if you’re not going to come home so I don’t worry” and yeah, that’s fair.

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Her mom says that she hopes this guy treats her well and she’s all “yeah, he does, he has money!” So there you have it, women are just like the stereotypes have been saying all along. Mom wants to have him over for dinner and she’s all “maybe when you’re recovered and this place is looking better,” because she’s a terrible asshole. Then she stomps out on her mom who is recovering from a heart attack.

This dude she’s dating invites her to some art thing for work and says he’ll pick her up but she’s all “um, no” and freaks out about how he can’t do that. Why can’t he know where she lives? She says she’ll text him the address later. Wouldn’t this be a red flag to literally every person who is in the dating world? I’d find it weird that I haven’t been to her house yet even.

Oooops, looks like Tony’s assistant or possible other girlfriend got back in town and found the house torn apart. Okay, so only like 2 weeks have past since he dumped her. She does move quickly! Must be the bi-polar inside her! This movie is taking a lot of liberties with what bi-polar means in case you don’t read sarcasm. Tony immediately assumes Gillian did this because he’s not an idiot. Looks like she’ll have more legal fees coming her way soon.

Ugh, the doctor she’s banging is a gynecologist. I AM GAGGING TO DEATH. And she bangs him at the office, the gyno office. Shudddddddder forever. She is trying to get out of it by saying she is busy but he’s asking her if she likes having a car and yeah, she does. It’s unclear if he wins this argument.

Why would it be appealing to talk someone into having sex with you? Men like this creep need to reevaluate things because that is a terrible idea and leads to this vacant girl laying there and ignoring you the whole time you lay on top of her. How hot! How exciting! So worth ruining your marriage for!

Gillian calls her sister and asks if Andy (we probably learned his name before but I just realized it) can pick her up at her sister’s on Saturday. Her sister thinks she’s being nuts but she’s all “I don’t want him to know I live in a dump.” We’ve seen an exterior and the house looks nice to me. I don’t know. She’s very shallow in every way so this is no exception.

She goes shopping and tries on a $449 blouse and then steals it at the fancy store.

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Is this how much crime she usually commits in a 2 week period because if so, it’s amazing that she’s not in jail.

Andy is telling his family how great Gillian is and he’s all “she’s an accountant who takes care of her sick mother” and man, she sounds much better when Andy tells it. His family is impressed.

Her sister tells her husband she’s being picked up here and her husband is all “should we warn him now about what he’s getting into?” Husband knows this girl is terrible. Why is he the only one without Gillian love goggles on?

She mentions that she goes back and forth between her mom and her sister’s houses and Andy’s all “oh, lucky them!” like it’s no big deal that her entire persona is probably fabricated.

His work cronies seem to like her but they’re mostly checking her out. She actually shuts that down and talks about being a business manager for a medical practice, which is the one time she’s been likable in this movie.

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Then this lady in a really ill-fitting dress walks through and Gillian puts on the UH-OH goggles as we go to commercial. Is this another person she robbed or assaulted?

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HAHAHAHAHAH, it’s the lady from the boutique where she just stole that shirt. They really want her to meet her but she grabs Andy’s sport coat but you can still see her shirt. She tries to get to the bathroom but the lady gets over to them and she immediately recognizes her and starts sizing her up in front of everyone.

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She’s all “what a beautiful blouse, where did you get such a beautiful piece?” and she says that Andy gave it to her as a gift (ANOTHER RED FLAG, ANDY! RUN!). She goes to the bathroom, angrily and yells into the mirror “that rich, spoiled bitch!” while punching the wall.

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She doesn’t know anything about this woman outside of that she caught her stealing- how does she know she’s rich or spoiled?

Andy tells the store owner that he’s only known Gillian for a few weeks and she’s all “oh so you’re about to learn so much about each other.” He thinks she means well but he doesn’t speak woman. She means he’s about to learn about her shoplifting habit.

Gillian texts Andy that her stomach hurts and that they should leave. He lets her know that he gave the shop lady her work number because she asked for it- she’s all “that bitch!” He’s confused so she changes the subject. Oh man, she must be super mega hot because she’s not that interesting and she’s giving off a ton of red flags but he invites her to meet his family tomorrow.

She comes in all “the night went perfectly! I think we’re going to move in together soon.” Her sister is all “what? Don’t you think you should slow down?” She agrees but something tells me that inside she’s still packing her bags. They hug anyway.

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Somehow she’s now at her mom’s house and her mom is all “what a pretty blouse” and she GOES INSANE and just screams and rips the shirt off.

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Then she calmly says “it’s an overpriced rag, I can’t believe what they charged for it.” Mom isn’t worried at all? No therapy on the horizon?

Tony is back in town! I wonder if she just assumed that she was off the hook since she hadn’t heard from him? He assesses the damage to his house. It’s rough.

Gillian calls Andy to see what dessert she should bring to his family dinner and he says something lemon would be good but too late, she’s busy fantasizing about their wedding cake that they’re eating.

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Yeah, I don’t think she was listening to her sister. Also, I just realized that Andy is a wooden buttface.

She’s chatting up his family and saying this was her first serious job after high school and that she’s been there for 2 years. She’s taking accounting classes online. Are we supposed to believe that she’s 21? She has a lot of history with dudes for someone who has not been an adult for that long. She’s all giggles until they ask what happened to her mom and she goes white.

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Did she give her mom the heart attack or something? After dinner Andy says she’s perfect and should come with him to Baltimore next weekend. Meanwhile, his sister is inside all “she is pretty but everyone has a darkside.” So now two people have seen through her in just a few weeks- how has she not been hospitalized before?

She gets home and tells mom about her date and how Andy’s place is so nice because they have money. Mom says she would like to meet Andy and she says “maybe at a restaurant, somewhere we could make a good impression.” Then mom goes up to her room and says that she’s going back to work in a week and there will be more money coming in so maybe that will be a good time for her to find her own place again and she’ll help her. GILLIAN LOSES HER SHIT.

She even grabs and her mom and throws her into a wall. The mom who is recovering from a heart attack. She’s acting like her mom is telling her she’ll be homeless. She told her mom she’d be happier not living there so she says okay, you should move out and now she’s pissed that her mom hates her and only adopted her because she wanted her sister but they wouldn’t separate sisters. What? Is this what bi-polar is? Do bi-polar people try to kill people and shoplift? I must have missed this class in college (where I majored in psychology). Of course, the mood shifts are part of it but this kind of super extreme criminal behavior should have gotten her into therapy a long time ago. This girl needs meds like whoa. Also, will probably do jail time soon.

She slinks back into her bedroom saying that she’ll be moving when Andy takes her away, in a slow baby voice. Nothing to worry about here, mom!

The store lady calls her at work and is all “you looked great on Saturday, now it’s time to pay for the blouse.”

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Gillian goes white because apparently she had already forgotten about meeting that lady on Saturday and getting caught and all that. It’s been one day. She is given until the end of the week to pay but she hangs up instead. Didn’t she already rip up this blouse in a rage, too? No wonder she can’t afford an apartment.

Someone at work is all “I know you feel entitled here because of reasons (ie. banging the boss)… but someone is looking for you at reception.” Ooops, it’s Tony! He has photos of all the damage to his house.

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SHE DOESN’T EVEN DENY IT! She just says in a little baby pout “I was very upset.” He tells her that the painting she spray painted was left to him by his family and was appraised at 15k. She’s all “but you emotionally abused me… you must have homeowners insurance.” That sentence tells it all really.

He says that he does but the deductible is going to be 10k and he wants the money soon. He says that she’s a smart girl and she’ll be able to get the money. She cannot pay rent so I doubt this. Her greatest trick may have been tricking people into thinking that she’s smart.

She goes to her doctor/ boss/ gyno/ lover and says that the hot water heater at her house blew and the house is under water and the work is being done now but she can’t afford it.

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He doesn’t give a shit because she stopped the bone train. He reminds her that his wife will be out of town this weekend and that he can still get a fancy hotel room for the weekend. She says “this weekend doesn’t work for me.” It works for him and he has the money so he wins. He says they can discuss other things she needs over the weekend… which makes her a prostitute I guess.

She then goes to the boutique and gives the lady like 100 bucks and the lady is all “this doesn’t cover the shirt” and Gillian is all “with your mark up I think it does!” and then says the shirt is cheap, she only wore it once and all the buttons came off- throws the shirt in her face, grabs her and pulls her in and says that if she tells her boss or her boyfriend about this she will burn her store down with her inside it.

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Store lady is all “she’s crazy” as she walks out (shoplifting a bra on the way). Why doesn’t she tell Andy?

She tells Andy she can’t go to Baltimore this weekend but when they do get to go she’ll make it … a trip… he’ll… never… forget. Her slow way of halt speaking is so sexy! He’s sold.

She goes home and tells her mom she’ll be in Baltimore for the weekend with Andy.

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She tells her mom that living in this slum has been like jail- mom is all “that’s why I thought you’d like to move out…” Good point! She says she just wants to live with someone who loves her. Mom is all “I love you” but she is talking about a man’s love, something her mom has apparently never been able to nail down and something she has in only three weeks.

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What a success story she is!

She calls Andy on the way to the hotel to tell him she’s on her way to NYC for the weekend to see her family. Uh oh, his sister is at the hotel. This should be good.

Mom talks to her sister about how abusive Gillian has gotten over the last 2 years.

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^^^Note that this house looks totally normal^^^

Wait, so how old is this girl? What happened in the last 2 years? Mom tells the sister about how she was thrown against a well when she offered to help her move out. Sister is all “I’m going to have a serious talk with her when she gets home.” Yeah, a stern talking to is what this girl needs! Eye roll. They say that if she can’t control her anger someone else is going to get hurt (foreshadowing?). They cry together.

Gillian is getting on the elevator with her married boss and he’s just slobbering all over her in the lobby like this isn’t supposed to be a secret affair. Of course, Andy’s sister looks up and sees them.

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Gillian sees her and gives a vacant stare that is supposed to convey some kind of emotion.

The sister calls Andy.

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This movie is only halfway over.

Gillian tells the doctor that she forgot something and goes to find Andy’s sister. Of course she has already left a message for her brother that Gillian is at this hotel with a dude and not out of town.

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Gillian is all “you don’t understand, it’s my boss, he said if I don’t do this I’ll lose my job. I’M 23 WITHOUT A COLLEGE DEGREE AND A MOM ON DISABILITY, I CAN’T LOSE THIS JOB!!” Okay, so she’s 23. That settles that. His sister doesn’t give a shit and continues to the parking garage but Gillian followers her and says that she can’t ruin things with Andy because “I’VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR HIM.”
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She also calls the sister spoiled and says her life is so easy… then she pushes her down the stairs and maybe kills her.

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No big deal. She stares off so maybe she’s feeling something?

Sidenote- did you guys see the news last week about the lady who pushed her husband of 8 days down a ravine “by accident” and tried to cover it up but then admitted they were fighting and that she shoved him “by accident”? It was crazy. She just got sentenced to a ton of jail time… maybe this movie is based on the story of that lady? (A future lifetime movie?

OH MY GOD. I just heard my gate open, it’s in front of my bedroom windows, and thought it was strange. My landlord and super go in and out so at first I ignored it but a few seconds later I realized it was after midnight so I go in there and see someone, right outside my window, stealing Chris’ bike tires. I yelled and he ran and there’s not an effing thing I can do about it. I’m so angry. His bike just got stolen 3 weeks ago and this is the new one he got to replace it. I feel terrible. People are the worst. Now I’m so angry it will be hard to find pleasure in this batshit crazy movie, but I will try.

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She goes to her affair room and is all “you know what I need? A drink.” Doctor is all “that’s my girl!” She goes into the bathroom and practically shows emotion over maybe killing a person but it’s vague.

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She texts Andy that she misses him mucho.

Andy is going out with his friend- is he not still in Baltimore? And he realizes that he left his phone at work. How convenient for Gillian.

Doctor is all “let’s go get dinner” while they’re sitting there drunk on champagne. Umm, what kind of illicit affair is this? They spend hours fully clothed drinking and not speaking and then they leave to get dinner? I’m as bored with this affair as this girl is.

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She takes out some pills and crushes them up so I assume she’s about to drug her boss.

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Commercial.

Mom and a bald guy from Andy’s job are meeting up and wondering where the sister is. Meanwhile, Gillian drugs her boss’ champagne while he orders room service to the room (THANK YOU).

An ambulance has come and the sister is dead I presume because they have covered her with a blanket. The police go into her purse and find her phone and call her mom.

Andy borrows his friend’s phone to text Gillian. Is it bad that I would have no idea what Chris’ number is if it wasn’t in my phone? I would know my dad’s home phone and my own numbers and that’s pretty much it. Somehow Andy’s mom calls his friend’s phone and asks him to meet her at the hotel because something happened to his sister.

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^^^ Detective Poor Man’s Louis CK telling mom her daughter has died ^^^

Gillian calls Andy and is all “oh no, what happened??” and then says to call her when he knows something (meanwhile, the doctor has passed out and she’s gotten dressed). She hangs up and goes “that bitch better be dead.”

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So I guess when I thought she had remorse about killing someone I was very off base. She was worried that maybe she hadn’t finished the job.

Gillian lies and says she’s driving back to town and texts “be there in 60 minutes” because she’s some kind of lunatic who doesn’t say “an hour.”

I guess we cut to 60 minutes later because she’s in the lobby saying how sorry she is about his sister and how much she liked her.

Back in the hotel room the doctor has checked out because of an emergency and left a note that says “see you in the office on Monday.” I wonder what emergency woke him from being drugged and passed out.

Andy finally goes back to his office and gets his phone and there is the message from his sister on it saying that she just saw Gillian at a hotel with another dude… he’s confused. He goes to Gillian’s house but it’s her sister’s and her sister’s husband tells him as much and sends him to the mom’s house. He’s more confused.

Meanwhile, Gillian sleeps like a baby in the hotel room that I guess she decided to stay in. Murdering people and then having to pretend to be sad they’re dead really tuckers you out.

Andy finds her mom’s place and is all “is Gillian here?” Mom thought he was in Baltimore with him and he thought she was in NYC with her… the jig is up! Mom is all “who did she drive with?” and Andy said “she drove in her car.” Mom JUST REALIZED SHE HAS A CAR. Man, this mom is pretty slow.

Look at the chemistry between these two though!
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I have hope that those two can work out if he can’t make it with Gillian.

Andy takes a picture of her to the hotel and asks if anyone saw her- yup, they did. She was there with an older guy. Terrible at affairs! It comes back to bite you.

Gillian goes to leave and she sees Andy in the lobby and hides. She calls him and asks how he’s doing and he asks if she’s at home with her sister and she says “yeah, she sends her sympathies.” I assume that’s all he needed to realize that she’s been lying to him about everything forever (well, for three weeks).

Gillian gets home and her mom is all “Andy stopped by and thought you were in NYC with me?” and Gillian is all “OH NO! HE SAW YOU HERE AND OUR HOUSE?!?!” She’s much more concerned about this than how she lied to him and is now caught. She’s something. She starts practicing telling him more lies to explain things and sends him a text but he doesn’t reply.

Back at work Gillian’s doctor boyfriend is all “I was drugged, that’s why I left the hotel room.”

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She’s all “no, you were drunk” and he says that he’s a doctor (hahahah, busted) so he ran tests and saw that she prescribed herself some sleeping pills on his prescription pad. She’s all “I’m going to tell your wife and sue you!” and he drops the bomb that he hired a lawyer and is fine with telling his wife. She freaks out and trashes his office on the way out. He says she can quit and get 5k severance and never come back as she stomps out.

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Surprise! Andy is in the lobby. She’s all “oh good, you’re here, I can explain.” The reception hands her her purse and is all “the doctor doesn’t want to see you here ever again” and Andy is a bit like “wha??” but this is probably the least of his concerns over her at this point.

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Oh good- Tony is here now too! Andy is all “what’s going on?” but Tony says it’s between them so they ask him to butt out- AND HE DOES. She gives him her car keys and tells him that he’s taking the car to repay the debt or she’ll kill him. He’s all “okay, I’ll take it” and leaves. What the shit? Why do her threats keep working on people? Why isn’t he tape recording their conversations after realizing that she’s completely unhinged? How did Andy not hear all of this?!?

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She takes Andy to a restaurant and asks how the funeral plans are going. He asks if she was at the hotel on Friday and saw his sister there. She sits there, silently, so he plays her the phone message. Her reaction is “that doesn’t prove anything.” That’s not really an answer to his question… He says he went to the hotel and people said she was there. Gillian “that means nothing, Andy I love you.” She is all “I wasn’t cheating on you” and he’s all “I DON’T CARE IF YOU WERE” because he’s worried you killed his sister, you lunatic.

She says that she had to see her boss at the hotel for a work thing which he seems to be buying but then she says she was afraid she was pregnant and had to talk to him because she thought she was pregnant. Now he’s not buying it anymore because why would she go to a hotel to talk about her possible pregnancy and says they should go talk to her boss about it. Whoops, the jig is up AGAIN.

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Gillian says that she can see what’s happening here, Andy is leaving her. She freaks out and says that she’s done a lot to keep them together and he asks what she’s done. She tells him to leave before she hurts him.

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Chris- “why is it so easy for her to just threaten people? Why is everyone scared of her?” He just started watching this but yes, why?!?!

Andy goes to the police and tells them he thinks Gillian killed his sister. The cop recognizes her from the hotel and puts her name in the computer and finds her assault record. Here we go.

Gillian goes home and she’s catatonic. Her mom is concerned but she’s about to leave to go shopping with her sister. Her mom comes back and tells her she knows she lost her job and she can stay there as long as she wants.

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Instead of being appreciative, she leaps onto her mom and starts strangling her while screaming that she can never be like her, she’ll just DIE!

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This is the moment the detective shows up at her house and busts in to arrest her and save her mom (great timing, script!). Andy is also there… for some reason… She is all “Andy, you came back” as she’s getting arrested for murder, as if he’s there because he wants to propose or something.

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Things are looking up for these two lovebirds though!
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As per usual, she immediately admits to her crime to the cops and says she did it so that “spoiled bitch” wouldn’t tell Andy and ruin things for her. She also says “she always hated me” about someone she met one time. I guess that’s prison for her? We’re left to assume since the scene just ends with no conclusion.

Now we’re at the sister’s grave and Andy is letting Gillian’s mom and sister pay their respects.

THE END. I guess this movie really taught us something about how scary dating online can be. In 2014 the “meeting strangers online is scary” storyline seems very dated. I bet the movie the next week was about meeting someone crazy/awful/closeted gay in person the next week.

Man, I’m still mad about the bike tires being stolen while I was sitting right here! I was holding my camera since I had just taken a photo for this and I wish that I had yelled that I took the dude’s photo because even though it would have been a lie it probably would have worried him and made his night shitty. Oh well, too late now.

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