We’re having a party to watch this classic Lifetime movie “She’s Too Young” starring Marcia Gay Harden and Emma from Degrassi as a bad influence teenage friend. So fun! This party features many C names- Chris, Carla, Chadd, Crystal (me) and then Kelly Lynn and Matt and even Michelle turned out. Bad movie nights are always a good time.
I watched this movie 10 years ago when it premiered and it was horrifying but I only remember bits and pieces and how this is another one of those movies made to scare the crap out of moms.
The movie opens with a painting of a tiny child and Chadd is all “she is definitely too young.” And we’re off!
A teenage girl is getting all tarted up to go out and then Emma is having her mom do her makeup because her mom is a cool mom, obviously.
Some other girl drives off with a guy who looks like a London brother. The dark haired girl, Hannah, tells her mom that the coolest guy in school, so dreamy, is picking her up to take her for ice cream with her friends.
“Ice cream.” Mom goes out and all the cool kids are in the car and is all “Nick, I need your cellular number.”
They are all mortified but mom is mom and she wants his number.
He pulls a pen and pad out of his car and writes it down. That is the most far fetched thing to happen so far.
They drive up to a terrible party playing faux Rage Against the Machine music and a bunch of kids are on computers- what the hell kind of party is this? A LAN party? This appears to be a coffee shop with a party thing going on outside? I don’t know. Brad is all “do you want to go to Kevin’s house to get wrecked?” and the girls look pretty scared and young compared to these old looking dudes.
Nick and Becca take off (note to you guys, Becca and Emma from Degrassi are two different people despite looking almost identical) while Hannah and Emma just stay at this weird LAN party. Nick and Becca are immediately in a hotel, undressed, about to do it.
How the eff are these 14 and 16 year olds getting motel rooms? She asks if he has a condom (but she calls it a “glove”) and he’s all “no, I guess I could go get one and you could do English homework while I’m gone…” and she rolls her eyes and just bones him I guess. “THAT WORKED?!?!” – the people at the party cry out. Oh girl.
At the weird party coffee shop thing Emma and Hannah talk about Nick and Emma says Nick only dates “babes like Becca.” YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME AS BECCA. Anyway, clearly Hannah loves Nick and is mooning over him despite us already knowing he is skeezy as hell.
Brad, who is 25 if he’s a day, walks up and asks Hannah if she wants to listen to the Kingpin Pimps cd (haha) in his car and she says no but Emma is thrilled by two seconds of attention and runs off with him so now Hannah is alone and has to call her mom to drive her home and it’s totally embarrassing. Mom tells her that she can always call her no matter what but then asks why Nick couldn’t drive her home and she avoids the question completely.
At school on Monday Nick is all over Hannah, who has a friend who is either in love with her OR gay (or both!) who is being wardrobe styled in the image of 80s John Cusack.
Nick calls her friend “so gay” because he’s super charming. Hannah says she thought he was with Becca and he’s all “that’s so over.” Kelly- “I already fucked her bareback once so time to move on.” This high school is pretty harsh. Also he says “some of the guys think you look like Angelina Jolie but she’s a dog next to you.” Hannah is pretty flattered.
Hannah’s notebook has a big sticker on it that says “NEW STRATEGIES IN MATH.” Emma overhears about the Nick date and is super psyched.
Nick goes home again to his dark house and there is a message from his dad saying he won’t be home again. Where is his mom?
Nick takes this opportunity to log into his teen porn account as “BigHard Nick” and scroll through this inbox while listening to a vague rap record.
This is what kids with no supervision do? Chris was unsupervised a lot as a teenager and he didn’t go to a single party in high school so thank god for that I guess.
Emma is all jealous that her mom gets more dates than her. Yeah, you’re 14 and your mom is a single adult, she should be getting more dates than you.
Hannah’s mom runs into Emma’s mom coming out of a restaurant or something and is all “I heard the big news!” and Hannah’s mom is all “the merger?” and Emma’s mom, the cool mom, is all “no! Hannah’s big date with popular guy Nick on Friday!” Hannah’s mom hasn’t heard in fact and also that is not big news. I misheard this and thought they were referring to a date as a “merger” and gagged.
Chadd wonders why we all hate Nick so much because he hasn’t done anything that bad yet and we remind him of convincing a 14 year old not to use a condom just a few scenes ago and he admits that he forgot that happened. Nevermind, we all agree that Nick is terrible.
Hannah’s mom walks in on her practicing the cello because she’s such a nerdy little good girl (UNTIL NOW). Mom criticizes her cello playing briefly before bringing up her date on Friday. Mom reminds her that they have a rule that she has to approve dates before she can go and she’s 14 so that seems more than fair to me. She’s all “what am I supposed to say “let me ask my mom?” when Nick asked me out?” like that is just crazy. Yeah, you should have said that. Her mom says it’s okay for her to go for some reason.
Chris wonders why all of the footage of the kids being bad or at parties is shot on a bad camcorder. Sometimes it’s just one or two shots of the montage that look like that. I guess it’s very cool and cutting edge or something? From a viewer standpoint it’s just very sloppy looking.
Meanwhile, Emma is at the school clinic seeing the nurse and swabbing her mouth. Uh oh. This happened to Emma on Degrassi when she was blowing dudes to get bracelets so this actress has been there, done that.
Nick picks up Hannah at home and her parents talk to Nick and he charms them. Hannah comes down in a tight black dress and says she borrowed it from Emma. They leave and mom is all “whatever happened to the father who swore he’d be waiting with a shotgun when the first boy showed up for Hannah?” Matt- “he got more realistic as she got older?”
They go to a party and her friend is there who tries to rescue her for like 2 minutes and then is all “nevermind” and leaves her alone. But! Not before telling her that she’s just an accessory to Nick like a new cell phone.
I’m posting another photo to point out the people at this party making out in their underwear (bathing suits?) just out in the open.
Nick is all “this party sucks, let’s get out of here” and they go straight to his house where no adults are, ever. He already has the jacuzzi going and swimsuits ready in the bathroom. What a smooth operator!
They actually seem to get along and play around in the jacuzzi and they do nothing that she could get any diseases from… unless hot tubs themselves spread diseases which might be true for all I know.
She gets home and her parents are waiting up watching tv. Hannah kisses him in the car because all of his lines totally worked on her.
Hannah logs on to AIM which is called TeenPLaya* in this movie. She tells Emma that her date was AMAZZZZZZZING.
We see all of the girls at church the next morning with their families. Well, not Emma, her mom is a cool mom. Becca goes up to Hannah after church and is all “hey girl, so was it like fantastic?” Hannah says the date was nice. Becca says not to worry about her and Nick, she’s okay with it. She says guy are just like that “they like to spread their seed.” Yeah, 14 year olds shouldn’t think stuff like that. Hannah says they didn’t do anything and that he told her it was more than just sex. Becca is all “wow” and Hannah thinks she’s totally impressive until Becca says it’s probably just a strategy to get her to take her pants off. Hannah is shocked to hear this.
Emma finds out she has syphilis at school. The nurse asks her how many partners she has had and she has to pause for a while to count them up. The nurse is all “are you okay?” and she informs that she’s still counting.
This nurse is worried but she tries to hide it. The number is 15 and she’s 14 years old. Wow, that is troubling. She says maybe just say 20 to be sure. The nurse asks if that’s what she said because that can’t be right.
Hannah is studying and Nick texts her to look outside. He waves at her and she smiles while he drives off but I guess he texted her asking her out again- so why even be outside? Mom is all “well, that’s charming” re: the text message. Mom asks if they can talk about this and Hannah says absolutely not. Haha, in your face, mom. Mom keeps talking anyway and is worried that Nick has too much experience since he’s older but Hannah is all “he’s so sweet to me.” It’s been ONE DATE, girl.
At school the nurse’s office is getting very CSI and they’re drawing a board of all the infected and trying to figure out who “patient zero” is on campus. They bet on Nick despite not talking to him or testing him yet so I’m surprised that Hannah doesn’t know his reputation if these nurses do.
Nick takes Hannah on their second date and a movie is sold out so Nick is all “my dad has a great dvd collection at home, should we just go there?” Hannah is in. They’re watching a bad movie which Chadd points out is very meta, watching a bad movie inside a bad movie. Nick just remembered that he got her a present for being so sweet- Kelly- “I bet it’s not a condom.” Zing!
It’s a necklace and she loves it. This leads to making out.
He comes up for air eventually and is all “you’ve never done this before, have you?” and she says she’s never done anything before. He’s all “I love being first” and it’s as gross as you think it is. She tells him that she’s not ready and he buttons his shirt up and tells her that he really likes her and asks if she wants to play scrabble. He says “for me, this is just a chance for us to get closer… I really like you but I can understand if you’re nervous or just not interested.” He’s very smooth for 16. Also very manipulative. She unbelts his pants and it’s heavily implied that she blows him.
He drives her home and kisses her at her house. This convo happens verbatim:
Him: You know, you can tell people if you want.
Him: That we hooked up.
Her: Why? Will you tell them?
Him: I don’t have to, when people see us together they get it (smug face)
Her: Great (sarcasm) so now the whole school’s gonna know I went down on you??
Him: Hey, hey, chill out, it was great. This could really boost your reputation.
Him: So do you wanna go out tomorrow?
Why she says okay is a total mystery because she looks like she wants to punch him instead.
Hannah jumps on TeenPLaya* and talks to Becca about how not fun sex actually is and Becca is all “when you do it for real it gets better.” That is terrible advice.
Becca tells her she’s babysitting tomorrow night and Hannah should come over because Nick might stop by. Don’t they already have plans tomorrow night? Is Becca the most sex positive 14 year old of all time?
Becca, Hannah and Emma do a weird cheer for Becca’s 4 year old brother about how hot they are and how “you want what I got!” and he just goes “hothothot” over and over while clapping his hands and it’s weird but supposed to be cute.
4 year old brother runs out of the room and Emma just drops the bomb that she has syphilis and Becca is a huge asshole about it. “Why are you even telling us?” Becca snots. Emma says she’s just trying to be responsible because they should also be tested and Becca is all “you did some nasty guys” with a real attitude.
Emma says they did the same guys. Grossssssss. Becca doesn’t want her telling Nick and Brad about this and ruining the fun night they’re about to have so Emma gets up to leave and is all “are you coming with me, Hannah?” Becca answers “no, she’s sticking around for Nick. The girl’s in love.” Hannah just sits there but quietly says she’s sorry.
Okay, we change our minds about Becca being sex positive. She’s actually really judgey.
And now, for the grossest scene ever. Becca’s little brother is watching cartoons while Becca/Brad/Nick/Hannah all drink right from a bottle of vodka and the dudes are talking about how bitchy girls are. Then Nick is all “wanna go upstairs and check out what’s hot?” with a porn dvd in his hand. They all run upstairs.
He puts the dvd on and the porn starts up- Hannah is so confused by this that she doesn’t realize the other three of them are undressing behind her on the bed. She turns around and looks horrified. Nick goes “don’t worry, Brad’ll be good to you.” THIS IS CRAZY. These two fourteen year olds are expected to have a fourway while watching porn and babysitting a little boy. Brad tells her that half the girls in school would love to be here right now (I highly doubt this) and Hannah says she’s in the other half (yeah, girl) and Brad is all “YOU’RE NOT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL ANYMORE!” and now I’m really doubting whether Brad would actually have been good to her. Every single person watching this with me is horrified. This scene is so not something any of us ever even heard of going on when we were teenagers.
Hannah turns to leave and Nick is all “will you do it for me?” She runs away and Brad is all “let her go” because they can still just have a threeway with Becca. Nick just takes his pants off and dives in.
Hannah gets home and she’s crying but her dad doesn’t see her as she runs upstairs. She hops on TeenPlaya* and tells her John Cusack friend that Nick is the enemy and he was right.
The next day Hannah says she’s too sick to go to school. Her mom asks her if something happened last night because she wasn’t born yesterday. Hannah brushes her off.
Nick walks between two girls in the hallway and goes “mornin’ ladies, looks like I’m in the middle again!” and they just giggle like he’s so funny and cute.
The nurse comes up to Nick at school and lets him know that he’s been exposed to syphilis and he’s a total dick about it and says to give him the shot then. He won’t be ratting out his friends! She says that he may have infected other people and he’s all “better stick ‘em all because I probably did.” The kids are all “WHOOOAAA YEAHHHH” while we’re all “ughhhhhhhh.” He walks off a campus hero.
Hannah is still home and mom asks if she needs to go to the doctor and she’s all “no, I’m fine.” She hears her TeenPlaya* blowing up and jumps on chat about syphilis with someone.
Meanwhile at school the nurse tells the principal that this is the largest syphilis cluster that she’s ever seen in a community like this. Whoa, that’s big talk. The principal groans. He asks about pregnancies and I’m shocked there aren’t any since we’ve already witnessed the lax attitude regarding condoms among these kids.
A flyer goes out about volunteer testing for syphilis and the dudes laugh and tear them up.
At Becca’s house she’s studying and her mom rips the headphones off her head. Becca is all “what’s your problem?!” and mom found out that Becca had a syphilis test and Becca, we find out, has a Jesus freak mom. Becca lies that she is a virgin, duhhhhh of course. Her mom says it may be time for Catholic school and Chadd points out that tons of skanks go to Catholic school. She tells her mom that Emma has syphilis and gave her name to the nurse so that she wouldn’t call her mom. Her mom totally buys it… and then goes and calls Emma’s mom off camera.
Emma’s mom is all “WHAT?!!?” and comes tearing into her room. Emma is all “duh, of course, I banged everyone and you are happy because I’m cool and popular!” but in other words. Emma’s mom is all “should I ground you? I don’t want you not to have a good time?” Hahahah, cool mom doesn’t know how to be an actual mom.
Emma says that she doesn’t want to ground her because it means she’ll have to stay home. Mom is pissed- they scream and yell and Emma leaves. Her poor little sister watches in horror and I feel bad for this kid who has these females to look up to.
Hannah is leaving for school and goes to brush her teeth and of course this is to show us that she feels a sore in her mouth.
Hannah tells her John Cusack about the sore and he asks what she’s going to do. Then she notices that he has like 200 photos of her hanging up in his room. Wouldn’t you notice that first??? Chadd thinks he’s a gross stalker but I think we’re supposed to find this adorable. She says they’re great pictures and smiles a lot.
Hannah’s family is having dinner and mom is all “why haven’t you told us what’s going on at school?” She’s referring to the syphilis outbreak and all the sex going on. They’re pissed she didn’t tell them about this. They mention that Emma has it and she says she wasn’t going to tell her friend’s secret to everyone. Man, because of Becca now everyone knows that Emma had it. Her parents ask if anything happened with Nick and she’s all “GUHHHH, NOOOO” in true teenager fashion. Her dad tells her that denying won’t change what happened.
She jumps on the computer to google a lot of gross pictures of syphilis sores. Kelly went to Catholic school and they would show them slides like this to make them afraid of sex.
At school like a million people are in line to be tested. A girl walks by the line and a girl in line is all “get in line, slut.” THE LINE SHE IS ALREADY IN. Everyone is in this line, no need to be judgey.
Hannah comes into the nurse’s office to get tested and the nurse is all “were you on the list?” completely shocked despite the fact that like 700 people were on the list. She says she should be on the list. Dun dun dunnnnn montage of syringes. In the montage the nurse is giving tons of kids shots and some look so little it’s scary.
The nurse is in a one-on-one with Becca about why Becca makes her choices and Becca is all “I have a lot of feelings but they don’t last long.” Also, “I’m the most popular girl in 9th grade.” The nurse is sad and asks if the boys have feelings for her and she says “not for long.” The nurse asks if she had a little sister what advice she’d give her and she says “to wait.” This scene was really informative, teenage girls that never watched this movie should really take note.
Hannah gets her shot.
Hannah and Emma are drinking “raspberry riot” wine coolers and getting wasted while talking about how shitty dudes are. I can’t believe they’re acting like this AFTER all these syphilis fights but here we are. Chadd was convinced that this must be a flashback but no. They get wasted talking about how Emma likes being wanted and using dolls to show how Nick likes to do it. Gross. Emma’s mom comes home and sees Hannah throwing up and they’re busted. Emma is passed out on the couch in her little sister’s lap who is just gently caressing her head- it’s pretty great. Emma’s mom is displeased. She calls Hannah’s parents to come get her.
Emma’s mom- “Sorry, the kids got into the liquor cabinet.” Yeah, I also keep my hot pink wine coolers in a liquor cabinet.
Hannah’s parents are pissed. Her dad is all “I was a teenager once but I didn’t get drunk like this in the middle of the week!” Hahahahaha, he’s most pissed that she did this mid-week. Mom says she doesn’t even know who she is right now. Hannah is all crying and announces that she has syphilis but yells it in her face.
Mom is all “whaaaaaaaa?” so her being drunk is no longer headline news. “I feel like a complete idiot!!!” so she’s still yelling. She’s all “so what are you going to do about it?” and mom says she’s grounded and has to spend weekends with her family. Hannah snots “what happened to letting me make my own mistakes” and we all agree that no one said there would be no consequences when you make them. She’s obviously being allowed to make plenty.
At the State Department of Health this outbreak is being discussed with Hannah’s parents who apparently wanted to talk to the nurse. The nurse says kids need boundaries but clearly this kid has them so that’s not always enough. Hannah’s mom says she wants to help spread the word about this epidemic.
Mom has a sit down with Becca’s mom who is all “sex is a private matter, I could never make a spectacle of my daughter’s mistakes…” heavily implying that mom is doing just that.
Mom has a sit down with Nick’s mom so an adult is in this house sometimes. This lady looks like a classic drunk society mom. Why is she never around? She’s all “I’m furious that my son is not using condoms and I’ll get his father to speak to him… but he’s an honor student so whatevers.” Mom is not psyched on this answer. They argue and Nick’s mom just looks a little bit annoyed at the most. Nick’s mom- “I’d probably worry more if my son was unpopular.” Seriously. Then she talks about how it’s mostly the fault of girls being promiscuous so this mom is a peach.
Mom makes more calls and clearly is becoming less and less popular. Hannah tells her that it’s not like when she was a kid. Mom says she had her wild times too and Hannah says you can’t even get a date now if you don’t agree to do this stuff. That would be awful but at 14 do you even need a date? At 14 no one I knew was even allowed to date so I don’t get why that’s the be all end all here. Hannah is really annoying a lot of the time and yells that she forgot that she’s just a huge disappointment and runs out of there and slams her door.
John Cusack friend takes a phone photo of her on his 2004 flip phone (like two feet from her face) and is all “this could be in CosmoGirl or Maxim” and I highly doubt that 72 megapixel gray photo could be in either thing.
Brad harasses her at school and then some kids try to run her mom off the road in a very unclear scene with a lot of yelling and honking because they hate her. Hannah yells at her mom afterward about how her mom should only care about her and not all the other kids and Chadd agrees that he would feel that way if this were him.
The nurse has a meeting showing how skanky their kids are being via powerpoint presentation and the parents are all gasping. Montage of parents saying super annoying things like “my son is just doing what I wish I was doing at his age.”
At the video store kids are stealing porn and having a party while the parents are away.
Hannah is at home being called a bitch on TeenPlaya* so she runs away crying into the night.
Brad’s having a crazy party apparently during the parent’s meeting. Becca gets into a fight with her parents about catholic school.
Hannah’s parents get home and realize she’s not there. Becca throws a sleeping bag out of her window and jumps out.
Hannah’s mom calls Becca’s mom and so of course now Becca’s parents know she’s missing.
Mom sees the TeenPlaya* chat open and asks where the party is and the kids are all “like we’d tell you, bitch!” but then someone named Amanda says Brad’s house.
At Emma’s house her mom is on the phone saying she can’t slip away because she’s grounded so I guess what Emma said earlier was very true after all. Becca knocks on her patio door and asks if Emma will talk to her- “us sluts have to stick together.” That would not sell me on anything. Emma leaves with her.
Hannah is at John Cusack friend’s house talking about photography and throwing herself at him. While they’re kissing she calls him a dork.
Her mom arrives at the party at Brad’s house and there is an extra outside that I thought was another mom but I guess just a poorly cast old extra. She walks through this party and no one really stops her or says anything. She sees porn and booze everywhere while she’s going “HANNAH VOGEL??” to everyone. She sees a girl go into another room so she follows her and there is a couple on the bed having sex while like 20 kids watch. Brad asks her if she’d like a beer because he’s very thoughtful.
Hannah moves super quickly with her friend and he asks her to slow down and she asks if it’s because she has syphilis and he says no. She doesn’t get this because if a guy likes you you’re supposed to be naked with him immediately. He says they are not in a rush and don’t know what they’re doing. She doesn’t take it well. She yells at him and leaves like she does when she’s with her parents.
Becca and Emma are at the coffee shop from the beginning talking about how sick of everything they are. Becca says she’s out of here come Monday and Emma says it would be nice to start over and just be a geek who gets props for things other than going down on guys. Becca is all “it would be like 7th grade all over again.” These 9th graders are so jaded.
Two guys vaguely look at Becca through a window and she jumps up to go hang out with them. WTF? They look like adults and it’s unclear if she even knows them. Chadd becomes convinced that she’s going to get AIDS or murdered to be a big example now because this scene is so weird. Emma can’t believe she goes and neither can any of us.
Becca is in the back of their car making out with both of them so I guess they half waved at her to signal and threesome in their backseat? Hannah calls her but she ignores it.
Hannah goes to the party looking for Becca and Brad follows her around and then pushes her down and slaps her and starts to assault her because her mom is such a bitch.
^^^Who is the woman in the red and blue poster? Our joke answers ranged from Sinead O’Connor to Susan Powter^^^
Nick, who is boning another girl in this same room, gets up and is all “what’s going on??” and then John Cusack friend comes in and… listen to this. He takes a photo of Brad with his flip phone and is all “if you don’t get off of her I’ll email your face right to 911!!” He then literally puts 911 into his phone and hovers over hitting send- is that 911’s email address? Brad is an idiot though and falls for it and then leaves the room.
Becca climbs back into her room and I guess she’s just regretful and not dead, Chadd was wrong.
Emma plays cranium (we think) with her mom while her little sister holds up her fishnet shirt to see how hot she’ll look in it in a few more years.
John Cusack friend calls Hannah’s parents to tell them she’s asleep at his house and if he’s her best friend why didn’t they try him first? Also, wouldn’t finding her asleep at a guy’s house not be fun for them? Do they also assume he’s gay?
They all hug and we see that innocent painting of a little girl again.
Chadd pointed out mid-movie that this title is wayyyy off. “She’s Too Young” implies that at some point all of this stuff would be age appropriate. I told him that if he busted out porn right now and everyone started having an orgy I’d be horrified and run away and I’m 35. I decided that we should make a sequel called “I’ll Never Be Old Enough.”
After this we watched “Presumed Dead in Paradise” while I took a break from typing. As a special treat I’m having Chadd try to recall the plot points for the next post. It was pretty amazing in a very bad thriller kind of way.