Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever.

Okay, what the hell is this movie? I feel like it was literally people saying “grumpy cat is so funny!” and then an exec said it had to be a movie. Tah-dah! No one thought about actually making a movie with a cat that has to be carried everywhere while it claws a child (spoiler alert!).

Apparently “Grumpy Cat Limited” is a film company or it became one to make this. Please let them make a bunch more movies. It sounds so legit.

WARNING- THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG AND FULL OF WAYYYYYYY TOO MANY PHOTOS

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Chadd came over to watch it because he informed me that if I watched it without him we would be enemies and he’d never speak to me again. Fair enough! He invited Jon and Michelle but didn’t tell them what movie we’re watching… Michelle, beloved cat lady, is excited to take a bajillion photos of a cute cat because that is her dream life. Off we go!

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The movie opens with definition of the word grumpy and then makes fun of itself for opening this way.

Okay, so the first several scenes of this movie are just Grumpy Cat doing things while Aubrey Plaza talks. For some reason the cat is driving and then blowing up a house and flying.

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None of us have any idea why but it’s so cute and Michelle can’t stop taking photos. Grumpy Cat has a very active fantasy life? Michelle’s first comment is “animal abuse!” but don’t worry, she doesn’t miss a beat taking the photos.

We all agree that it’s pretty funny when fake cat paws are used as if Grumpy Cat is scheming.

“Poor Aubrey Plaza” is Chadd’s first comment because it is SO awkward. This movie is taking place at a mall and grumpy cat lives in a pet store with a bunch of other talking animals that are adorable and yet no one wants. The snake is named Carla!

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The Parrot has a weird accent that might be English or Frenglish which is a language Chadd just made up.

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We find out that Grumpy Cat has been returned to the pet store twice despite being a super famous cat. This is like when a model plays some homely girl that no one wants to date, you guys, so relatable.

This CRAZY VOICED big dog comes walking through the pet store and it’s bananas. I can’t even explain this voice but maybe Eurotrash disco? I kind of wish someone took a video because it’s so amazing. I will do an impression of this dog every time I see Chadd for a while. Maybe years.

The pet store owner (Marcus) finds out that he’s being evicted because he’s way behind on rent. Grumpy is worried that she might lose her terrible home that she hates. The guy evicting them is a shithead who might be 13 years old.

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Anyway, I think we’re supposed to be rooting for a mall pet store to save the day in this movie? Talk about a tough sell.

Grumpy Cat has some fantasy about being a meme (that she actually is in real life) and making a ton of money and being a superstar so that the store can be saved and what the eff? Is this just memes coming to life? Are we living inside the interwebs? She makes jokes about not having talent like Keyboard Cat (true! keyboard cat is the best!) or nyan cat (who flies?) so she can never make money. Fantasy over.

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Marcus drops the bomb that the weird voiced dog is some very rare dog that is going to make him a ton of money- did he somehow not have to pay for the dog? Okay. He puts this dog in the tiny front window and all the mall shoppers oooh and ahhhh while his weird voice says things like “eat it up, ladiesssssssss.”

Ummmmm, suddenly we’re in the recording booth watching Aubrey Plaza talk into the microphone and it’s AWFUL.

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WHAT IS HAPPENING?! This movie is ridiculous and we’re like 15 minutes in. It’s not even a movie. Can anyone envision this script on paper?

A little girl is introduced as the co-star and her name is…. wait for it….. CRYSTAL! Obviously the greatest name ever. Grumpy Cat hates her despite her being very loving. Grumpy hates nice things because she’s grumpy. Get it? That’s the joke of Grumpy Cat in every single meme and photo so I’m not sure if people get it yet. This scene exists in case you’re the one person out there who was up until this point unaware of the whole Grumpy Cat thing.

Crystal walks through the mall saying “hi” to everyone and they’re all like “heyyyyyy!” and “hola” (at the Taco Gigante) because everyone at the mall loves this kid.

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Her mom works at some restuarant and she’s talking to the mall elf from the santa display who isn’t her boyfriend but probably will be by the end of the movie.

Crystal, despite being 10, is all “I gotta get to work.” Apparently she volunteers at the pet store because she has no friends her own age. Or species.

Some girls her own age snot at her. She’s sad.

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Some weird band is shopping at the Kay Jewelers for some diamonds (as a person in a band I can vouch for how real this scene is) and they’re called Dragon Age.

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They are wearing silk scarves and a ton of jewels and having some weird couple fight in the middle of the Kay Jewelers and we can’t figure out what band this is supposed to be. It’s also just two guys so not sure where the rest of the band is.

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Marcus is out in the mall with the weird big dog and the news is there all “can you believe this dog is worth a million dollars?!” What? This mall pet store must get dogs from the best puppy mill I guess. He runs around the mall with the dog to show it off while this really cool band, Dragon Age, is all “are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Are they going to buy or steal this dog? I’m sure it’s one of the things. I can’t tell if they’re super famous rich rockstars or losers who hang out at the mall.

Crystal is super sad because the girls her own age shit all over her and so she’s moping by the mall fountain. Some mall santa tells her he’s from the Westbrooke Mall and talks her into making a wish and says he’s very corny but we all hear “horny.” We are all children. (Michelle likes this kid’s Hot Topic tights.)

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He gives her this cool coin and she makes a wish to find someone who understands her. Santa rolls over the bench so that when she opens her eyes it will be like he disappeared but she sees him. His body is 75% visible like when a dog thinks it’s hiding under the bed but only the head is under the bed.

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It’s legitimately pretty funny (this might be the moment where Chadd started enjoying this movie for real).

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Later at work she’s hearing someone talking and guess what? You’ll never believe this but she can hear Grumpy Cat now. She freaks out in a small scene where she figures out that she can hear the cat but it’s dumb and takes a million years to get there.

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The other animals want Grumpy to tell them things from her but she passes. Thanks for nothing, Grumpy!

Crystal’s mom has a Christmas party where every single person we’ve seen in the mall so far is in attendance in Christmas sweaters so we can assume that the mall is closed.

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They’re playing dirty santa and one of the gifts are these cool salt and pepper shakers that defy gravity or something so everyone wants them. Crystal is bored though because her one friend, that cat who talks to her, isn’t there. She takes off to go to the mall. Chadd gets really upset that we’ll never know who ends up with the salt and pepper shakers (not joking).

Crystal goes back to the pet store after hours to hang out with Grumpy Cat. Apparently these animals don’t need to be caged over night or anything- Grumpy is just sleeping in a bed in the middle of the store.

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Oh no! Dragon Age shows up at the mall looking like Jay and Silent Bob and they tie up the mall security guard that Chris totally remembers from Matlock. Like, he didn’t even have to imdb it, he picked him out right away (hands off, ladies, he’s mine!).

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They don’t even have a weapon or any crime knowledge but he just sits there while they tape him to a chair and take his keys.

They go into the pet store to steal the rarest dog in the world (what could go wrong??) while Crystal hides. We still don’t know whether this band is famous or trying to be famous but they take off their masks and sing a song as they rob this mall so I guess they’re not worried about hiding their identities. They literally walk right into the store, grab the dog and walk out so the security here is top notch- one security guard and no cameras in this whole mall. Crystal watches them leave and then realizes they left both their personal keys and the mall keys they stole behind in the pet store.

Grumpy Cat experiences another one of her fantasies but this one is her and Crystal riding her bike to the police station where Grumpy Cat tells them everything and they arrest the Dragon Age guys because she’s such a hero. However, she points that if that happened it would be a pretty short movie and make less money in ad sales so back to the lame plot that we’re actually watching. Nothing like an ad sales joke to keep me riveted to a movie.

Crystal doesn’t want them to get away with stealing Jo-Jo because then the pet store will close and she’ll have nowhere to hang out anymore.

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Grumpy now fantasizes about Marcus throwing her out of the pet store and then being in the pound where no one wants her and then… I’M NOT JOKING… being put to sleep at the vet’s office while yelling “noooooooooooo.” Holy shit!

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Crystal, sort of, comes up with the plan. Take the keys and run but also take the cat for no reason. This is why 10 year olds aren’t often called upon to come up with plans. Michelle is so into how teeny Grumpy Cat is in real life. “So cutttteeee, this cat is so cute.” Chadd is being annoyed to death right now.

They walk out to their 1994 Toyota Tercel in the parking lot and argue more about how bass players are worthless (the dark haired one is a bass player).

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The car is tipping me off that these dudes are not famous and they may only have a band name and no songs or other members despite their really cool look. Just a lead singer and a bass player; I’d love to hear what this heavy metal/hard rock music could possibly sound like.

They go back in to find the keys but they’re gone, of course. The bass player is all “ask that sad cat where the keys are” and it’s like DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN as they realize the sad cat is also missing. These guys are thinking that the cat stole their keys, right? What actually happened seems like something you would never think of given this evidence.

Now we start the longest scene ever of these dudes figuring out that the cat is gone and their keys are somewhere in this mall. It takes like 40 minutes of the movie and ruins somewhere in the high tens of thousands of dollars of merchandise.

First, Crystal walks right into the Christmas village (still all lit up despite the mall being closed) and the music kicks on so the cat is all “nice move, dummy.” The cat is not wrong. Even dumb ol’ Dragon Age can figure this out. They hide while the guys come chasing them using faux ninja moves. They get into another one of their bickering band fights while Crystal and Grumpy run away.

In a smart move she throws their keys into the wishing well at the mall while she runs.

Then she runs into a giant bait and tackle store. The mall is huge and full of tons of stores and she is the only one with the keys now so just lock the door and hide in here, right?

Wrong! She doesn’t shut the door behind her so that this scene can continue. Grumpy sees a fishing lure that looks like a fish and starts batting it, in true cat fashion, and then pulls the shelf down on top of them. Doh, these two are not good at sneaking. Grumpy is all “hey, you turned on the Christmas music like one scene ago!”

Crystal sets up Grumpy as a decoy in order to get these doofuses into her trap where she shoots paintballs at them. First she hides in plain site as a mannequin in giant fishing waders.

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They find Grumpy and Jo-Jo the hilariously weird dog is all “this isn’t about me, BUH-BYEEEEE” as he trots off. Now you’ll notice that these dudes don’t even have the thing they came here to steal.

Grumpy now has a fantasy that she too is pummeling these dudes with paintballs while a British Grumpy Cat is in a thought bubble commenting on the fantasy. Confused?? Grumpy is all “get out of here, British Grumpy Cat!”

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The English Grumpy is all “toodles, I’ll be in your head!” and then disappears. This might be the first time we all laugh at a joke in this movie. I admit it.

Dragon Age singer pulls out a crossbow because apparently he’s going to straight up murder this child instead of just Home Alone-ing her.

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Just kidding, he shoots the arrow straight into his foot and lets out a crazy long wail that illustrates his prowess as a metal singer. I assume this will pay off later when he has to record vocals or something. The bass player makes what seems like the wrong move and pulls the arrow out but the guy keeps running around so I guess it’s no big deal.

Grumpy keeps writing this story while wearing fake glasses- pretty cute.

That mall guy who may or may not be 13 shows up. Why? Jo-Jo is just out in the mall and is all “HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO! Let’s wrestle!” and jumps on him. The guy asks if this is a jailbreak and then takes off with the dog. Is he stealing it now? I don’t know.

Chadd spends some time convincing us that this guy is poor man’s Canadian Tom Cruise. I can see it, sure.

Dragon Age jumps him and Jo-Jo goes running off again. How is this dumb dog worth a million dollars? Anyway, these dummies think this guy is who they’ve been chasing all night further proving my point that he looks like a child. He is so confused.

The Dragon Age guys get into another fight about bass players being worthless- the singer wants him to punch the dude but he doesn’t want to hurt his bass hand. Bass player points out that the singer can’t even play an instrument. This is pretty much how all of their scenes are. We’re all deciding that the bass player has pretty good delivery and is starting to grow on us. Actually, Chadd loves him at this point but the rest of us agree on what I said.

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The mall security guard (George) gets freed by Crystal and he claims that two ninjas tied him up and stole his keys because he’s a liar. She tells him that these two guys were trying to steal Jo-Jo and he’s all “what’s a Jo-Jo?” when Jo-Jo walks in going “I’m a supermodel” in his deep Snagglepuss voice. “Those guys were ignoring meeeeee!” he says. Crystal says the dog is worth a lot of money and he security guard seems to be hatching a scheme to steal the dog from them now but pretends to help her. They don’t get it and walk off with him.

The band hangs the mall guy over the railing on the 2nd floor in a scene straight out of Clueless while he begs for his life.

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Again, these guys are going to murder people now? They can’t even shoplift from the mall and get away with it. He says he wants them to steal the dog anyway because he hates that store.

They realize he MIGHT not be the same person who shot them with paintballs and make up. Bass player is all “you’re pretty cool, let’s hang some time!” Then these dummies realize that the dog is gone.

A ridiculous photo for no reason:
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Now George is on his mall cop scooter asking why Crystal is even in the mall so late and she admits that she came to talk to the cat. He’s confused, to say the least. She sums it up- her dad left her mom for a barista and he barely calls anymore. This cat is the only thing she can talk to and George is all “I wish I had a friend” and I think we’ve got this good guy all wrong. He must not be hatching a scheme. Not this sweet ol’ guy.

Hmmmmm, George is all “tell me where you put the keys so I can tell the cops when I call them.” Then his phone rings. Apparently he told her that the thieves took his phone so she’s confused. She’s just a dummy child so she’s all “great! We can call the police!”

George gets dark and is all “we won’t be calling the police, sweetie” because he totally is the thief behind this whole thing! Crystal kicks him and runs while he wails “how did this escalate so quickly?!?” (fairly funny)

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George calls his dummies and they don’t even think to ask how he could be calling them if he’s tied up. Then he runs into them (and like 40 empty boxes) on the mall cart scooter. He breaks the news that the person who outsmarted them is a child and they’re pretty sure it was a navy seal. Yeah.

He also breaks the news that they’re dumb and clearly not cut out for a life of crime. They disagree- they’re great at crime! He just wanted enough money for a houseboat, guys. He’s not a bad person. The kid is leaving with their big score though so they take off to find her.

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Back at the longest Christmas Party ever they are giving out an award for worst Christmas sweater to the guy from Tacos Gigantes. He’s psyched! Speech, speech. He has actually written a speech and it’s like an Oscar speech. Michelle wants his sweater.

Grumpy, for some reason, pops up on the screen to declare her love for the taco guy. “Yo quiero taco guy.” That really happened. I guess that romance will be saved for the sequel?

The elf from before keeps hitting on Crystal’s mom with weird penis innuendo (“is my electric log turning you on?”). Mom thanks him for inviting “them” but no one seems to wonder where Crystal is.

All of the bad guys close in on this little girl and her two animals while we cut to commercial.

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Grumpy is doing the music for this scene and it’s also pretty funny. Bum, bum, badumppppppp, bumm.

Cut to, Crystal tied up in the pet store and asking George what his plan is. It’s that Marcus will pay him a ton of money to get this lame dog back. Hahahahah, he can’t pay rent on his pet store anymore so I’m not sure he has blackmail money laying around, especially the kind of blackmail money you’d need to get a houseboat and retire forever off of. She says she can’t remember where the keys are and bass player believes her and is all “oh man, what are we gonna do??” Crystal asks George if he’s going to hurt a little girl and he explains that he’s just greedy, not a child murderer.

He threatens to murder the cat though! Remember, he knows the cat is her only friend. Michelle says that the actual cat hates this scene because she is just clawing this guy and squirming around.

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She falls for it and says she threw them in the wishing well. Bass player comes back with a giant frog and laughs about finding a giant frog- the frog is ridiculous looking.

Grumpy Cat does a weird promo where she offers a bunch of merch to the viewers. I hope none of this crap becomes staples in upcoming tv movies.

Grumpy envisions a future in which these dummies pull off the crime and in the fantasy the bass player wears a horse head to do the blackmail transaction.

Chadd made a joke that maybe George is the drummer of Dragon Age like 10 minutes ago. Chris just makes the exact same joke because he didn’t hear it before. This joke must be a hit!

Grumpy has to dig down deep to make Crystal feel better. Behind Crystal a giant lizard flops in a cage. I guess it’s good that this kid feels so comfortable in the pet store because it’s pretty freaky looking. Crystal cries that she even thought George was her friend and he pipes up from far away – “nope, never was!” (and I laughed).

Crystal asks what good love is if no one ever gives it back and Grumpy explains how shitty the animals in the pet store feel because no one loves them either. We all assume this is setting up a heartwarming ending where people rescue all these cool animals, aww. Grumpy says that she has decided to adopt Crystal but then takes this opportunity to sell more hats and t-shirts. Yes, the merchandise pops up on the screen.

Grumpy opens her cage (that turns out not to have been locked this whole time) and then frees all of the animals so they can help her. The parrot somehow frees Crystal.

George walks around the pet store (why??) talking to his mom on the phone. Meanwhile, Carla slithers up to him and he accidentally picks her up. He’s so scared he drops his phone and then… THROWS HER ACROSS THE ROOM INTO A WALL. Chadd gasps. WTF?? Did they just murder Carla?? Uncool, movie. Chadd is completely traumatized by this scene.

The dog is all “I smell crotch” and that sounds disgusting enough but then the dog latches onto this guy’s weiner. Chadd- “he’s mauling this guy’s crotch, he’s completely shredding it. He’s not letting up! Do you think this movie will show his severed penis??” while he laughs until he cries. Grumpy- “I hope you didn’t want children.” Wow.

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George frees himself and says “it’s not your day, Crystal!” and then takes Jo-Jo and leaves. Too bad he left his phone behind.

Mom’s party keeps raging into the night. It has to be like 3am now, right? It was late when this party started if the mall was closed at Christmas time. Mom’s phone rings and she’s so confused by all of the information coming at her.

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Crystal is at the mall with a bunch of criminals and asks her mom to call the police. Michelle- “why doesn’t she just call the police??”

Some weird scene about Grumpy Cat’s nature show- is that a real thing? I don’t get this joke.

The Dragon Age guys are digging in the wishing well but also keeping coins to buy dinner with. We all assume they will take Crystal’s coin and she’ll stop being able to talk to Grumpy Cat but, SPOILER ALERT, we were all wrong.

George lets these dudes know that he’s leaving tonight and that they can take him right to the airport. Not even saying bye to his mom? Just going to live in that security uniform on a houseboat? Sweet plan, George.

Anyway, Grumpy fantasizes that she’s driving the mall Camaro but Crystal ruins it by pointing out that she can’t reach the pedals.

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They’re on the mall scooter but Grumpy says they’ll never catch them on this and they need to take the car. They really don’t need to at all but Crystal is all “sure, okay.” Driving in narrow mall hallways and through a skinny doorway aren’t easy but, don’t worry, this kid who has never driven before is nailing it.

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Grumpy says there wasn’t a budget to just drive through the windows.

The bad guys are driving away and George is all “how do you fit all of your band equipment in this puke bucket” and they say it’s like tetris. Okay, you have a bass amp and a bass and that’s it, right? I think you’d even be fine in a SmartCar.

Here comes Crystal! She high speed drives around them in the mall parking lot like she’s herding them. It’s basically driving out of Fast and the Furious but in a mall parking lot and in this movie.

They get into a standoff. Her, in her stolen car, and them in the old Tercel. At this time her mom shows up. Mom is worried but also looks entertained. The dummies lose this game of chicken.

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^^^ Even when she’s happy, she’s grumpy ^^^

Crystal is celebrating and forgets that she’s driving so she has to slam on the brakes and somehow the cat goes flying out of the car and into the mall Christmas tree. It’s clearly a fake cat that goes flying but Michelle is all “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” She’s fine but just meowing. Crystal is all “Grumpy!!” but then she talks and is all “haha, I can talk.” (legitimate laugh)

The police arrive and arrest the bad guys. Easy peasy. Crystal doesn’t get into any trouble at all for breaking into the mall or driving this expensive showroom car or ruining all of that merchandise.

Mom runs up with her elf friend all “you’re okay!” Everyone hugs.

Then, in the same vein as the weird euthanasia joke before, mom asks if the guys “did anything” to her and heavily implies she’s talking about molestation. Grumpy quips “you’re thinking of a different kind of movie.” WOW AGAIN.

Mom asks if she saw her driving a Camaro? Yup. Mom thinks she’s lost it and is talking to a cat and driving a car so she vows to get her the help she needs. The elf guy is out of place here- no one is talking to him.

Crystal’s mom admits that when she was her age she had an invisible friend. Grumpy Cat- “I knew it, Crystal’s mom is a loser.” Haha, good one.

Marcus comes running up in his jammies so I guess I was wrong before, there was one mall employee that wasn’t invited to the cool Christmas party. Poor Marcus. He says that Crystal saved Jo-Jo and his store but she also took his key and broke into the store. Yeah, details. He makes her employee of the month- twist!

The mall guy is still tied up inside. No one cares. That plot line, that was completely unnecessary, ends.

Now it’s Christmas morning at Crystal’s house. She’s the most ungrateful child ever as she throws presents around, not opening anything but assuming nothing is what she wants.

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“I guess santa didn’t come this year, since I didn’t get what I wished for.” What a brat.

Grumpy is also a gift so Crystal can finally be happy with her bounty I guess.

Jon- “This doesn’t seem like the worst Christmas ever.”

The elf comes in with coffee for mom and mom is all “looks like Santa brought me something too” and Grumpy is all “does she mean the coffee or the elf?” and Crystal giggles “good one, Grumpy!” Yes, children love dirty innuendo jokes about their moms.

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Chadd is HORRIFIED that we never went back into the pet store to find out if Carla lived or the other animals got homes. All of the stuff we predicted we were pretty much wrong about. Even the sweet, nice ending kind of stuff.

This movie had some good jokes but overall it was very meta, full of memes and self referenced in every scene. Is this what it’s like inside a 13 year old’s mind? Scary thought.

The few good parts and that bass player with the good comic timing were enough for Chadd to decide that he totally loved this movie. He’s always so positive. He’s the Lil’ Bub to my Grumpy Cat, you guys.

Jon and Michelle, I think, left inspired to start a cool band like Dragon Age though- I might gift them 70 scarves so they can start getting the look down asap.

(The next day Jon totally gave Michelle a diamond ring so obviously the Kay Jewelers scene inspired him and I am not surprised- their band/family is nearly complete!)

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