While home I knew I had to watch a Hallmark Holiday movie with my friend Teresa because she is a true connoisseur of the form. Also, Hallmark is a Kansas City company (home town pride!) and her husband works there so she actually has some of them on dvd. I googled “ridiculous Hallmark Movie” and this one came up as number 1 on someone’s list so it was settled.
We watched it with her family, Chris and my grandma. The funniest viewer I think turned out to be Ana, her 13 year old daughter. Ana has watched so many of these movies with her mom that it literally started and there was a lady and she was all “who will she dump her boyfriend for??” without even knowing the plot of the movie.
We watched it on her portable tv in the kitchen so the photos are going to look a lot different this time.
The opening song is a straight rip off of “all I want for Christmas is you” but the chorus is “santa please bring a boyfriend for me” to the same melody. Ugh. If I was Santa and someone asked for this I’d roll my eyes and let them know that a boyfriend is not a gift someone can give you. This movie is different though- Santa and Cupid are like one combined being in this one.
These 12 year old mall girls hang out, chatting about their boyfriends and then they’re like “sorry, Holly” since she’s their loser friend who’s single. Single at 12?? How embarrassing.
Holly sees a kid who is too shy to talk to Santa so she goes over to help despite being, at most, 1 year older than this kid. Her brother says he’s been trying but she’s too nervous. Holly is so magical that the kid hops right up on santa’s lap and tells him what she wants and hops down. Santa asks Holly what she wants for Christmas while she waves by to the kid and her brother.
Holly says she’s too old for toys… but then whispers that she’d like a boyfriend for Christmas. Santa tells her that when she’s older and really ready he’ll send her just the right one. Gross.
Cut to Christmas day where Holly sees a snow globe and somehow knows that Santa sent this. It says she’ll get her gift in 20 years. Yes, 32 is when most women are ready for a boyfriend. Shut up, Santa.
She’s a lawyer because of all that time she didn’t spend on men in her 20s I guess. Some kids might be taken away from their mom for the holidays and their lawyer didn’t show up to help them.
These poor kids. It’s even sadder when you realize they’re just a device for two losers to be set up by Santa. Merry Christmas, children!
A bunch of rich lawyers sit in an expensive office.
No big deal, the kids are taken away from their mom and put into a home. The smarmy lawyer who missed the hearing shows up but passes Holly and the kids going into the elevator. They stare at each other forever because this movie is very subtle.
She’s some kind of pro-bono lawyer for the people and she just got approved for a grant. Man, she’s so perfect, she’s even the good kind of lawyer that people don’t hate.
Holly has to have lunch with her mom and is complaining to her friend about how her mom only thinks people have worth if they have a man in their life like some loser. Friend is all “hey! I have that.” Haha, Holly says she doesn’t count. Duhhhh. She is wonderful, she’s just talking about shitty people with men in their lives. Her sister (I think) shows her giant new rock and everyone is very impressed. Mom is all “hopefully next year Holly has the rock and not the grant.”
Her other sister weirdly brings up that Holly’s ex is back in town. He’s back to be editor at some publishing company that his dad owns. Impressive? Holly points out that she dumped him two years ago but her sister clearly doesn’t care.
The shitty lawyer somehow saved the kids from the home and brought them back to their mom- it was all done off camera so we’ll never know how he worked that out. He is so nice that he says he’ll go help out santa at the Christmas tree lot so mom can hang out with the kids more.
Her engaged sister (or whoever that is) takes off for her romantic Christmas in Tahoe but says she sent Holly something great for Christmas and to be looking for it.
Holly ends up in the Christmas tree lot and shitty lawyer puts on a santa beard and hat and tries to sell her a tree while Santa lurks behind a tree spying on them (yup, this is definitely an early episode of 7th Heaven).
She takes a call where she shits all over the shitty lawyer while he hears her. Santa tells her that he hears that she’s not into Christmas and he says that it breaks his heart thinking that he failed a woman. Not creepy at all, Santa.
Shitty lawyer sells Holly’s friend a tree and puts it in her car. Friend says that Holly believes in people and not miracles and then pays him for the tree.
Santa asks what Holly wants for Christmas and because she’s an adult she’s all “what??” and walks away.
Some asshole shows up at her office while she’s standing and gazing out the window. It’s Ted the ex. Her sister is the worst. Oh no, this is yet another Hallmark Holiday Movie where the love interests are both white guys with dark hair that are nearly the same person.
He kisses her on top of her head and he’s wearing a mid-length leather jacket. They concisely sum up their relationship- he got a job out of the town and took off without her but now he’s ready to settle down and wants to spend the holidays with her. Nope.
She says “we’ll see” which is Holly for “no effing way” but he can’t hear her over the sound of his douche Porsche.
Shitty Lawyer (named Ryan) has stuck around the shelter to serve food. Santa talks to him about how making partner at a big law firm may not fulfill him- is there anything this Santa can’t talk to people about??
Holly shows up for some reason and Santa points to her. Santa lets her know that the mom from before got her kids back. See what I mean?? He knows everything. Santa brings up that he met her when she was 12 and she is all “you promised you’d send me just the right boyfriend but you never did.” Has everyone in the movie signed on to the fact that this is a real santa? Or some magical old man wo hasn’t aged in 20 years? Meanwhile, Ryan is literally crawling under a Christmas tree to eavesdrop on this convo.
That’s the plot of this movie- a 12 year old kid asked Santa for a boyfriend and because she’s 32 and hasn’t met the right person she has stopped believing in Christmas. Someone should have explained to this kid how Santa worked 20 years ago and maybe she would have gotten something cool for Christmas instead. For perspective, the two kids I know around this age asked for a pony and a lable maker respectively.
Ryan just shows up at her house with a Christmas tree all “delivery from Santa!” and then hands her a card, in the middle of her living room, that says “Special Delivery! One boyfriend.” and she’s all “what the eff??” because this is nuts.
He asks if she wants breakfast and she’s like “eh, I could eat” because she’s crazy and going to let this stranger just let himself in and make breakfast. The best part is when he sees the tag on the tree that says “Douglas Fir” and says his name is Doug Fir…wood. So smooth.
She is all “Wait! This must be my gift from my sister/friend!” because that makes sense? Ryan asks what she normally does with a boyfriend and the answer should be dirty but this is a Hallmark movie so instead she says “I don’t know, I haven’t had a boyfriend in a long time.” It’s been two years, Holly, stop being so dramatic.
She goes to her family’s Christmas and takes Ryan (I mean Doug) with her as if her family knows who this stranger is. Her family STANDS THERE IN SHOCK as he shakes people’s hands.
Her annoying sister who loves Ted is wearing a bridesmaid dress for Christmas because she continues to be the worst. Her dad is the great Martin Mull.
Holly asks why her dad isn’t watching football and he’s all “because I want the details on your boyfriend!” and everyone grills her. What does he do? She makes up that he’s a firefighter. He comes into the kitchen and everyone stares at him some more.
You’d never think this girl ever dated by the way her family is acting. She had a serious boyfriend 2 years ago you lunatics.
Montage of Ryan seducing her whole family with his twister ability and cooking ability and love of sports. They are all in love with him by montage end.
He talks about being a lawyer at dinner and dad is all “I thought you were a firefighter??” and they cover by saying that he does both. What a perfect specimen of man.
Dad says his son hates football but Holly was the jock in the family because she was “a beautiful figure skater” which has to be foreshadowing because it’s such a weird detail. Teresa is all “ohhh, just wait.”
Holly and Ryan go into her room and she’s wearing THE WORST PANTS. Wide leg, grey wool dress pants and a cable knit, lumpy turtleneck. He’s in a green mock-turtleneck. Who dressed these people? All we did during this whole scene was mock their clothes because we are adults.
For some reason he asks her all these questions about Ted. She tells him all the goods on her ex because she’s great at dating. Ryan is all “his loss is my good fortune.”
I would never introduce a stranger to my family. She hasn’t even kissed this guy! She doesn’t know his actual name!
Ryan walks her home and she says he’s impressive. She’s all “you know, it’s still Christmas, you’re still on the clock” and holy crap, this was a loooooong day. Did it start at 5am or something? He lights a fire and they decorate her house now with all of their remaining spare time. Somehow she has ornaments for the tree despite never having one before.
Annnnnd he kisses her. FINALLY. Then they hug and fall asleep hugging on the couch.
She wakes up and he’s gone but the stupid Ted shows up all “alright, let’s make this work!” Good lord, take a hint Ted.
Ana- “They’re going to fight over her!”
Teresa’s husband- “No offense but I wouldn’t be fighting anyone for this lady.” Touche. But we all agree, especially grandma.
She goes power walking with her married friend who has twins. That lady also apparently does it all! She calls her friend (not sister!) and is all “I need Doug’s number” but the friend has no idea what she’s talking about. Duh, you don’t send a man as a gift unless it’s a strip-o-gram or a hustler being paid to be your wedding date. Watch a movie sometime, Holly!
Santa asks Ryan how it’s going with Holly because santa has 364 boring days a year to play matchmaker and he is all “great! Until her ex showed up.” How does he know her ex showed up? Is he hiding inside her house at all times?
Holly shows up at the Christmas tree lot to ask Santa if he sent her a boyfriend (seriously) and Santa is all “only you can answer that.” Ryan pops out and she’s all “what are you doing here??” and he says he’s there to see Santa.
She says she’s there to see Santa and extend her boyfriend wish another few years. Good lord, if you have a wish this embarrassing the least you can do is not tell everyone about it all the time.
Why is she mad at Ryan? I don’t know. Or is this her idea of flirting?
They’re hanging out now so I guess flirting?
Holly’s back at her parent’s house doing more dishes. Martin Mull asks if Ryan/Doug is coming over and Holly says he’s stopping by later and her dad is super excited but her shitty sister is all “ooooh, uh, I invited Ted.” Why?!? How do you not know that you’re shitty? Holly says she needs to uninvite him but I doubt that will happen. If you love him so much, you should date him, shitty sister.
Ted pulls up in his Porsche with the top down despite there being snow on the ground. Even if it’s fake snow you ACT like it’s real, dummies. Ryan, of course, arrives at the exact same moment so they ring the doorbell together.
Ryan walks in and says hi to the family but Holly is in the kitchen, still doing dishes and doesn’t even get up. She’s all “oh… I missed you…” Get a grip on those emotions, girl. She warns him that Ted was invited and he says that he already saw him. Ted immediately starts being a dick to everyone so I can see why this family missed him.
The kids want to play football and it’s to cue up a montage of these two idiots beating each other up under the guise of football. It’s very embarrassing for everyone involved.
Ana thinks this is going to end with Doug/Ryan getting hurt and it making Holly love him and then they live happily ever after. Instead she lectures them about being idiots and takes the kids inside to have hot chocolate. Ana quickly formulates a new plot (stay tuned).
Ted says he’s going to go home and change and come back because he apparently thinks they still want him there. He’s complaining to shitty sister that everyone loves Doug/Ryan and it’s not fair. She tells him that he was a reporter so he should figure out the deal with Doug/Ryan. Why? Shitty sister, what is your agenda here? Why do you love Ted so much? Why do you wear bridesmaid dresses at Christmas?
Ryan gets into his car, which is also a convertible with the top down but it’s a BMW. Holly is hiding in the backseat to give him a prize for MVP in the game. Ryan says he needs to tell her something and I assume it’s that he’s made up a stupid name and lied to her but she cuts him off to say that she agrees, there’s something powerful between them.
A giant truck backs up to her mom’s door because her parents have some kind of Christmas ball like it’s friggin Pride and Prejudice or something.
She tells Ryan to meet her at a secret place later.
Ted shows up at her house and nonchalantly puts a ring box on her coffee table. She’s all “WTF?!?!” (in her mind, I assume because she just stands there). Despite not speaking to her for 2 years, he’s missed her so much that he presents a really ugly piece of costume jewelry that would cost like 30k if it was real- it’s that giant of a ring. Then he runs out all “I’m going to leave you to think about it.” She sits in silence.
Let’s say Ted was the one she loved (or even liked, I’d settle for like right now) what a shitty proposal. Can you imagine telling your grandkids that you got proposed to because you were dating someone else and he wanted to one up the guy so he gave you a ring?
Ana’s new theory!
Holly is at a skating rink and I am giddy with anticipation at the ice skating I’m sure a stunt person is about to do. When the camera suddenly goes super wide you know the stunt person has hit the ice!
Ryan is at work, suddenly, in the middle of the day he just had off before to play football. His boss is angry about something vague. Blah blah blah lawyer talk.
Hahahahahahhahahahaha- Ryan shows up at the skating rink just in time to see her bust free from the crowd and just start doing triple axles all over this skating rink like it’s no big deal. I’m dying.
The stunt person has black hair and may be 16. Ryan is all “wow, you’re like a pro.” I assume he’s talking to the stunt person. That foreshadowing was for this scene that is 99% pointless. The 1% being for how much it made me laugh
As he starts to skate with her the scene ends.
Ryan drives her home despite them driving to the rink separately (details like this are why it’s no fun watching movies and tv with me). Ted sits in his car and spies on them and somehow they don’t notice the Porsche sitting in front of her house.
Ted now follows Ryan as he leaves.
Holly closes the ring box which symbolizes that she’s not saying yes but didn’t we know that before the ring even existed? Ryan goes home to his cool loft and Ted sits outside and watches. A time lapse sun rises and I hope that doesn’t mean Ted was sitting out there all night.
Ryan is annoyed at how shitty lawyers are which you’d think he would have realized years ago. His law firm kicked poor people out of their houses or something. Ted is in his office figuring out that his name is Ryan and getting dirt on him.
Holly is in her childhood room getting ready for the ball. Martin Mull talks to her and she says Ted proposed. He tries to hide his horror, poorly, and says that even though he’s only known Ryan a few days he has a good feeling about him. Holly doesn’t admit that she also has only known Ryan a few days. Ana just a minute ago pointed that out, actually, that they’ve only been dating for 3-5 days.
Shitty sister is in her stupid bridesmaid dress and one of her kids spills food all over it while she has a total Carrie at the prom meltdown.
This lady could use a lot of perspective and also better clothes. Holly offers to let her wear her dress because Holly is a normal person who doesn’t care about a dress that much. Her act of kindness makes shitty sister meltdown saying that she was so shitty because she wanted Ted to help her husband’s career. What? Where did that come from?
Santa and Ryan hang out at the ice skating rink alone at night. Santa is in silk Hugh Hefner pajamas and Ryan is in flare jeans so the wardrobe department continues being amazing. Santa tells Ryan that he has to tell her the truth and it has to be tonight or time will run out. What? So many details we’re just learning in this movie.
At the ball her friend who was doing Christmas in Tahoe is there and says they broke up but she’s pretty psyched so I guess it’s no big deal that her engagement is off? She loves champagne! No big whoop!
Ryan shows up at the ball with Santa so you can just bring people to this party? Holly is all “hi Santa” like they’re buddies. No one wants to know who this old man is?
Ryan pulls Holly aside to talk to her about his lies but before he can talk to her Ted busts in in a tuxedo with a white bow tie (jerk suit) and her whole family runs in while Ted tells her his name is Ryan and he’s the shitty lawyer she hated before and that he got fired today and hates poor people. He’s mixing up some facts here so I’m thinking Ted wasn’t that great of a reporter (thank goodness he has his dad as his boss).
Ryan says he heard her talking to Nick (and looks at Santa so Santa is named Nick? Oh puhhhhlease). He explains himself but she says she sounds pathetic and walks out with her mom.
Meanwhile, mom is in this scene in a crazy form fitted black and white striped can-can dress that Teresa can’t get enough of. What is the deal with this ball??
Ted sees Santa and is all “nice suit, the holidays are over” on the way out just in case you didn’t know he was the heel.
Ryan drives away in his winter convertible with a full on sad face. Holly drowns her sorrows with champagne. Santa talks Holly back into liking Ryan because Santa has nothing but time to work on the Holly/Ryan love project.
Hahaha, Ted gets on stage to propose AGAIN because he loves rejection so much I guess. If at first she doesn’t say yes ask ask again. He jokes about her lame non-profit work because he’s so funny and charming. She says no in front of everyone at this ball and he looks shocked because he apparently IS that self centered.
Holly goes to find Ryan (somehow Santa knows where Ryan will be… in some wooded area by a tree, you can’t miss it) with her santa snowglobe on the dashboard of her car.
Somehow they both pieced together that when she was 12 she helped him get his little sister to talk to Santa. So Santa saw a 13 year old boy wave at her and decided this was her perfect boyfriend? What?
Holly says she doesn’t remember him from the Christmas tree lot and he explains that he was wearing a santa beard and hat and she’s all “ohhhhhhhhh, okay” as if that beard was some kind of great disguise.
They kiss and sit on a bench as fireworks go off.
As the movie ends and you think it can’t get any worse, the santa inside the snow globe comes to life and goes HO-HO-HO and waves to the viewers.
While this movie was ridiculous I don’t think anything will top the insanity that is “Holiday in Handcuffs.”
What a 2 year old did while we watched this:
Wore an Elsa dress and watched The Lion King and ignored us.