If There Be Thorns.

Another one of these things. At this point these are airing so quickly that they’re like a new series. I’m over at Kat’s and we’re taking in the madness together.

Kat thinks that this is set in the Pacific Northwest (so much lush greenery) but I thought it was Southern California- get your story straight, movies. I can barely remember what happened in the last one.

If There Be Thorns

I’m trying a new thing where the photos are smaller. Thoughts?

This kid will be important:


A kid is getting bullied but a cute guy and girl help him out. Are they brother and sister? Are they his brother and sister?

For no reason we’re shown an old abandoned mansion covered in ivy so I bet that’s important.


Bart gets home and starts to tell his dad about a kid on the bus bullying him but dad tells him to get a snack instead.

The brother husband (Christopher) in this movie is played by Smith from Sex and the City so hard times have fallen on even the hottest of guys apparently. We’re wondering who Cathy will be but the lady in the living room is teaching the little girl to ballet dance and tells the possibly inbred son Bart that his (or her?) mom has cancer and is at the hospital. Bart seems to hate the little girl she’s teaching ballet to. They really should have done a recap at the beginning catching things up.

Kat thinks Bart might be the ballet dancer boyfriend’s kid but I don’t buy it. I think everyone is a product of incest in these movies. Also, I don’t buy that the ballet dancer impregnated her at all- I think she said that to cover for having Christopher’s baby.

Bart goes to his weird treehouse full of bugs that he keeps. Next to his bug jars? A bunch of porn. It’s very classy though because it’s french.


He is all “stupid, jocks” when he sees his bruised shoulder.

We see the cute guy and girl from before but they’re kissing in a field so knowing these movies they’re definitely brother and sister. BA-DUMP-BUMP!


The older one is Bart’s older brother Jory and the girl might actually be, hold onto your hats, a non-blood relative. Jory is the supposed ballet dancer’s kid and he’s 17/18 and looks just like Smith from Sex and the City… coincidence? So Bart is the son Cathy had with her mom’s husband from the last movie. She did that while her first kid was a baby in a carseat so I don’t get how these two kids are like 10 years apart. Casting mistakes? Are we supposed to think Bart and Jory are 1-2 years apart? Seriously?

Look at the side by side:

Jory tells his parents he was hanging out with his girlfriend and mom and dad flirt about what they did at his age (when he’s out of the room) and just start making out. These two may be gross and weird but they are also pretty happy.

Jory tells him that he saw his girly magazines but Bart is all “they’re not MINE!” and then admits that he found them in the abandoned house next door. He goes to show his brother the house and ends up falling on a rusty nail that goes THWUNK right into his arm and the sound is so gross.


No one seems worried about a rusty nail going into this kid’s arm. This house is weird and full of dead crows and a guy comes in all “GET OUT! YOU DON’T LIVE HERE!” and I thought it was Christopher Walken when I only heard his voice.

Bart tells his brother not to tell their parents about the rusty nail in his arm because then they’ll have to tell them they went into this abandoned house. Jory is stupid and agrees because he’s never heard of tetanus.

I’m so confused as to who Cathy is – I think she’s the lady who was in the living room before. Kat and I have given up trying to piece together what anyone is talking about. If that’s Cathy she is not being played by a famous person this time.

They have a family dinner where Bart doesn’t want to admit that he did badly on a geometry test and dad is all “remember, no secrets in this family.” Something tells me this is foreshadowing more than lies about geometry.



Cathy brings up Cindy (the little girl from before) and her mom in the hospital dying. The mom has asked them to take over custody when she dies. Cathy wants to but Christopher says it’s “too risky,” whatever that means.

Bart is in his room and he hears his brother talking to someone and don’t worry, his brother is up in the attic (MEMORIES OF THE ATTIC) on some random attic mattress doing it with his teenaged girlfriend.


Then Bart hears more sex sounds and what do we see but his hot hot parents having super dirty sex in their room. Kat is all “haven’t they been married for 15 years at this point?” Yeah, and I’m very impressed by the level of dirty sex that’s still in their lives.


If you forget that they’re brother and sister it’s impressive. Bart feels differently, looks horrified and runs away.


There is noise next door and Bart hears it in his room. His arm is looking grosser and grosser. Bart tells Jory that someone is moving in next door. They go spy and notice that it’s someone rich because they’re moving in with a butler. Kat- “what is the deal with this house? Everything else is a normal house in a little neighborhood and next door there is a haunted mansion? Why?” Great point.

Heather Graham moves in next door in a weird hearse-like car and her butler is the guy I thought was Christopher Walken. How did she find them?? This is before the internet. I’m impressed that she was able to get her shit together to find them across the country.

“JOHN AMOS! TEA AND COOKIES AT ONCE!” That is how she speaks to her butler. Why are they over there?


She has a weird lace veil over her face and Bart asks what’s wrong with her face but Jory says you can’t ask people things like that.


Bart then asks how she got so much money and Jory says that’s also rude. She says she once had family but not anymore. Then she strangely demands to take a picture with them. Jory is very uneasy but lets her anyway. In the background of the photo is a painting of Christopher as a child and she freaks out about how that painting is NEVER TO BE SEEN. While she has this meltdown with the butler the boys try to sneak out the front door but she grabs them for another snapshot. Get out, kids!

I am getting a very heavy vibe here that Heather Graham is going to try to molest Bart in this installment of the movie and it’s so gross. We’re so icked out and we’re only like 15 minutes in. NO NO NO. Heather Graham asks if they want to work in her greenhouse after school and Jory says he teaches ballet so he’s busy and Bart says he also a girlfriend. “I bet the girls just love you too, Bart, WINKKKKKK.” SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?! AcK.

She says her name and it’s Foxworth so I’m waiting for them to run home and tell their parents about this weirdo but they don’t.


Outside Heather Graham singles out Bart and is all “you should come back some time… just you because you’re so special.” Jory is standing right there and looks uneasy but still, no one mentions this to mom and dad.

Bart asks Jory if he ever wonders about his real dad and Jory says that he feels like Chris is his real dad (because he is!). Bart says he’s been wondering about his dad and Jory says he was too young to remember him which seems to imply that these two are only a couple of years apart, as the last movie set up but man, Bart looks 10. Bart thinks it’s weird that they never see their family. Cathy overhears this conversation. Jory goes to help Melody (his gf) with her take-home quiz. Mom seems to think it’s a euphemism but is all “she couldn’t ask for better help than you.” Even when you want to enjoy these movies they just layer on more gross.

Cathy tells Bart not to worry about family stuff and just concentrate on playing and school and girls.

CUT TO- Bart peeping in on Heather Graham working in the greenhouse. They are laying on this child molesting vibe so thickly. Bart tells her “your face doesn’t look that bad for being 80, or whatever.” SMOOTH. He says he wants to do that job so he can save up some money for a bow and arrow.

Heather Graham reveals that she got him a python. Even this weird kid is all “why would you get me a present? You don’t even know me.” She says that maybe they’re not strangers after all, she is his grandmother. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.

He asks if she got out of the mental institution and she lies that she was never in one. He asks why she moved in next door and didn’t tell his parents- GREAT QUESTION. She says not to tell them, she wants to them herself when the time is right. Bart says they have a “no secrets” policy in their house and Heather Graham snorts and says that’s “very ironic.”

As he leaves, the butler grabs him and takes him into the barn for another gift. He tells him about Malcolm, Heather Graham’s dad, who seems to be the butler’s favorite person in all of history. He gives him an old journal of Malcolm’s so he can understand his family better and then choose a moral and right life. Oh, and one more thing, NEVER TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS.

Why is this kid so okay with these people??

Bart reads his weird grandpa’s journals that are mainly about women being evil and how they distract men from important things and also the lord- montaged with him seeing his brother making out with his girlfriend and his parents making out in the living room and just general cleavage.


Bart is learning a valuable lesson about the devil woman right now and how women are the root of sin and evil. Again, I have to say that incest really works for Cathy and Christopher- their marriage is hotter than ever.

Bart still hasn’t seen a doctor about that rusty nail so I assume that’s going to come up again soon.

At dinner Jory’s biological grandma calls (if you believe his dad was that dancer…I will never let this go) and Bart throws his parents some shade and brings up the grandma in the loony bin but doesn’t mention that she lives next door. WHY??! So strange. Cathy lies and says she hasn’t spoken to her mom since before she met Christopher.

Weirdly Smith/Christopher is just walking around in his full suit after dinner in the dark. He hears something in the attic and checks it out- for some reason Cathy is up there making up three beds… in their attic… there are flowers. He’s troubled by this scene as you would be if you were trapped in an attic like this for your whole childhood. Cathy is all “I’m nothing like my mother! I’m not going to trap anyone up here!” They talk about some things and Jory might have overheard but I’m not sure if it was bad.

We have a new theory- they only have suits in wardrobe because so far he’s only been in suits or nude. Also, wtf is going on in that attic? Why is she setting up three beds? Her answer “just in case.” Just in case you have to lock your kids in there?

Christopher asks Jory where Bart is and no one knows so they go out looking for him. It’s all very scary but they find him in the yard, in his pajamas, passed out. His arm is so gross. Hospital time!

Cathy is freaking out about how Bart should be healthier considering that he’s not an incest baby.

The nurse yells for a crash cart so Kat assumes he has died.


But no! He pulls through! He has nightmares about the evils of women, mostly of his evil mother (who he loved like 3 days ago). The butler has come in and given him the photo with the painting of Christopher in the background with LIES written on it. Bart doesn’t tell anyone and is just rude as shit to his mom (quoting Malcolm even) when he checks out. “I think you talk to much” he snots to her.


They get home and Cindy’s mom has died of cancer so they’ve adopted her. EASY PEASY. Cindy seems pretty psyched about it though. Except Bart who has yet another female in the house evil-ing things up for him. He goes out to do some men’s work on his bug collection.

As if the movie just wanted to prove our new theory wrong here comes Christopher in a black t-shirt.


He’s really next door dancing in the parlor with grandma who is still being sending molester vibes.


Also, I think Heather Graham is legit playing a 60+ year old woman in this movie. Bart asks why she has a painting that looks so much like Christopher if Cathy met him later in life. Bart asks what she did that made them hate her so much and she looks so hurt and is all “they don’t hate me, do they??” Heather Graham tells him that Christopher is also her son but feigns a very dramatic sigh like he dragged it out of her. Commercial.

Bart is trying to wrap his mind around incest when we’re back. Heather Graham- “as a mother you blame yourself even though it’s not your fault in the least.” HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. Good one. She tells him way too much and this coupled with his book about sinning gets his mind spinning. She even tells him that she knew his dad. HE FREAKS OUT.

We see him reading about sin and how you have to pay for sin and then looking at his dog… oh god, he’s going to kill the dog. I can’t take this. Ugh times infinity.


She yells at the butler for leaving that painting out because now she HAD to tell Bart way too much (yeah, right) and the butler pretends it was an honest mistake. This butler is even more evil than Heather Graham and that’s saying something.

Cathy seems to be drinking a lot of wine and popping a lot of valium so that will probably come up at some point.


Jory’s girlfriend is over and they’re talking about college plans but Bart is sitting alone all “OUR FAMILY IS PLAGUED WITH DARK SECRETS JUST KIDDING” and they just stare at him because he’s totally nuts. Why aren’t his parents wondering about the neighbor yet?

Jory is pissed that Bart embarrassed him in front of his girlfriend but Bart speaks like he’s reciting scripture now and Jory says he sounds crazy. He does!


This was an incredibly quick transformation. Bart asks why he’s shorter than everyone else and has allergies so it’s obviously sin that has infected him. Yes, I think science has proven that both shortness and allergies have been caused by sin and evil woman lust.

Jory is outside calling the dog but he doesn’t come back. Ugh, I think I was right.

Christopher thinks that Bart needs professional help and yes, he does, so it’s nice seeing the movie get this one little thing right. They talk to a therapist about how no mental illness runs in their family despite us all knowing that it does. Why lie?

Also, just throwing this out there, but I think Cathy and Christopher could use a lot of therapy too.

Meanwhile Bart is at his favorite playmate’s house- creepy grandma’s. He asks her how she knew his dad and she lies a lot and gets upset. She leaves out very important parts of every story and always comes out looking great.

The butler tells him that grandma gets upset talking about Bart’s dad because it’s a twisted story. Then he tells him about his grandpa and more things about the evils of women- how much can you say about this topic? Apparently, TONS. He could go on and on. And he does! He does so while teaching Bart how to shoot a bow and arrow. Oh goody, this probably means Bart will up the ante from killing dogs to bigger things.

Kat points out that the butler is always serving him cookies and he’s always spoiling his dinner with cookies at home. Will this be a poisoning callback to their past?

Kat asks if she’s nuts or is this the most fucked up one? It’s definitely up there but the first one sets such a strange bar that I don’t even know anymore. The first one freaked me out at the time but it was a more innocent time for me. Now I’ve see this shit.

Jory and Melody teach their after school ballet class.


Jory is out looking for something but he finds the dog’s dead body. ACK! Ugh, no. I hate this. He cries because Jory is the best son they have.

Jory finds Bart in the barn shooting arrows and he says that grandma got it for him. Jory is all “grandma??” and tells Bart to stay away from this house and that this woman is not his grandma.


Bart says that he’s blind to the things in front of him and calls him “boy.” Jory says that he found the dog and that he’s dead and Bart doesn’t seem that worried but yells that he didn’t do it. He could never kill an animal! Except that he could and did.

Jory says that if he doesn’t stay away from this house that he’ll tell their parents he killed the dog. Bart says that lying is a sin! Bart says that if he tells their parents he’ll tell them that he fornicates in the attic. He actually says fornicates. Would they even care? He’s like the best teenager ever and about to leave for college. “Sin out of wedlock! That’s why we’re not friends anymore. You disgust me.” Bart drops the bomb that their parents might be brother and sister and Jory looks confused.

Back at home Jory goes into the attic and looks through things. Why isn’t Jory telling his parents about the crazy shit that just happened next door?

Bart is next door and says he doesn’t want to go home but next door is a creepy empty mansion of creeps so I don’t know what kid would want to stay there.


Seriously, you have a butler, maybe get the cobwebs in this place cleared out?

Heather Graham says that he should go home because his parents will be worried. He says something about Malcolm and she’s confused- how does he know who Malcolm is?? The servant has been telling him things he shouldn’t be! “John Amos? He can’t love you, he’s just a (whispers) servant (whispers).”

She tells the butler that Bart is very impressionable and that’s the most right she’s ever been about anything. Turns out the servant has been brainwashing him in secret and Bart isn’t supposed to know anything about his grandpa and the evils of women. Why doesn’t she fire him? He doesn’t clean either, I don’t get how he has kept his job this long.

Jory finds a letter from Christopher to Cathy from when he was 13 and he looks troubled.

Heather Graham seems to be back on track for seducing Bart but she’s also telling him about how Cathy seduced her husband. “I don’t know why they hate me so much, I was always a good mother…” I love when people want to be honest but only about other people and never about themselves. She tells him another gross thing “you’re the son I was meant to have… more or less.” Bart eats it up with a spoon.

At ballet Jory is upset and Melody asks what’s wrong. He says he’s worried about his brother because he seems to be crazy now. Melody says he should talk to his mom. They have the most healthy relationship that has been portrayed in any installment of these movies.

In the yard Cindy is playing with her doll in the kiddie pool and Bart walks up to her very menacingly.


He tells her that she’s not his sister and she’s not in this family and then just starts drowning her in the pool.


Jory runs out and stops him and the parents are all “WTF?!?!!?” to Bart. “She’s your sister, you should love her!” and Bart snots that brothers shouldn’t love their sisters “isn’t that right, Chris?”

Christopher grabs Bart and drags him up to the attic and locks him in. That’s not good.

JORY STILL DOESN’T SAY A WORD ABOUT THE WOMAN LIVING NEXT DOOR. It’s driving both Kat and I mad. Bart screams that fornicating with your sister is a sin and that they deserve to die. Cathy looks like death- how does he know?

I get that his behavior is nuts but also he knows a lot of true things that you haven’t told him so why not worry about that? Why not wonder where he’s learning this stuff? You don’t just have a mental break and become psychic.

Jory goes next door and Heather Graham is just standing there waiting for him with hanging black roses behind her. She asks if he can be strong…


Bart has been institutionalized and the doctor is concerned that he’s schizophrenic. He wants to be called Malcolm now which horrifies his parents. The doctor says they’re going to do some shock therapy (I forgot that the movie is set in the 70s).

Bart is in for the night and the doctor says they can go home but Cathy decides to stay and that’s the right choice since the butler is probably lurking outside the door somewhere.

Christopher gets home and says hi to Jory who is just sitting on the couch and staring. Jory is freaked out because he figured out that his parents are related and Christopher is totally confused. FINALLY Jory drops the bomb that grandma moved in next door.

“FINALLY!” Kat and I scream in unison.


Christopher goes over there and Heather Graham is all “give me a hug and call me mom” and he declines the offer. He’s horrified. He asks why she has made Bart hate them and she says “I only want to love him the way a grandmother loves a grandson.” Still skeeving me out! He tells her she has poisoned their children against them and she’s confused because she didn’t do anything.


Heather Graham floats her plan by him- to raise their two kids as her own. She thinks she could do a great job this time. Why won’t they just give her a chance??? He tells her to stay away from them or he will make it his mission to get her locked up again- “I’m a doctor! I have those powers!” Oh yeah, he’s a doctor. She says that she’ll tell everyone about their secrets and he looks worried but he says he doesn’t care. It seems time for a middle of the night move. Hit the road, family!

Christopher walks back home and Cathy is there (dammit, she left Bart alone at the hospital) and she’s worried because their credit card was declined and when she went to the bank they said their account was almost empty. He stammers out an obvious lie and doesn’t tell her about their mom being next door. This new plot line that seems important was introduced very late. Why?

And yup, the Butler is immediately at his bedside.

Jory tells Melody the big secret about his parents and we just see that she’s crying and he’s asking if she finds him revolting now.

Bart is at home and they say he has been much better since the shock therapy. He’s eating another giant cookie though, for whatever that’s worth.


We’re at Cathy’s ballet recital of little 5 year olds when she sees her veiled mom and turns and falls the six inches off the tiny stage.


Everyone surrounds her and gasps as if she fell off a roof or something.


In the next scene she’s on crutches and popping pills. Give me a break. EYE ROLLLLLL. She was obviously in a serious accident.

Jory “have they told her she’ll never be able to dance again?” COME ONNNNNNNNNN.

Bart may be a little better but he clearly still hates his parents and barely speaks to them.

Jory’s grandma shows up unannounced. He’s excited to see her but his parents aren’t. There are only 23 minutes left so I don’t know how they’re going to wrap up all of this. She says that she can help teach the classes while Cathy is out of commission. She also wants to train Jory because he will obviously be a famous ballet dancer now.


Alone in her bedroom Jory’s grandma tells Christopher that their “arrangement” is no longer working for her. END SCENE.

Christopher tells Cathy that Jory’s grandma’s ballet studio was doing badly and she extorted money out of him by saying she would take Jory away. Why didn’t he tell his wife about this? That explains their lack of money I guess but she’s here now because somehow she knows their secret. Wow, everyone knows, Heather Graham is has been blowing up the phone lines.

Cathy throws her pills away so maybe she won’t be a pill popper after all? Jory’s grandma asks where they keep the “reduced fat mayonnaise and juice” and after you get past the crazy of that question Cathy says that she should get out of their house and she won’t let her take Jory. She says she’ll tell Jory about their secret but Jory already knows so too late, lady. Also, he’s either 18 or about to be 18 so who cares? She also says that Bart is nuts and that’s a bad thing for Jory to be around.

Bart overhears this and takes off for next door and Cathy goes hobbling after him on crutches.


The butler tells Bart that if he hates sin and hypocrisy then he should avoid his sinning hypocrite of a grandma then. Bart is so confused because his grandma has seemed so great until now. Nope, she’s just another sinning woman. In this case that’s true but I hate how these movies brush all women with the evil stick. He tells Bart about how his grandma committed the first incest to start the evil ball rolling.

Cathy reaches the house and sees the painting of their own family from when she was little and freaks out (how did all of these paintings survive the fire?).


Jory calls Melody but she doesn’t want to talk to him. Kat doesn’t get what her problem is. Kat wouldn’t care at all if a boyfriend told her his parents were brother and sister- listen up, fellas.

Jory’s grandma tells him “there’s something I need to tell you about your parents” and he says he already knows. See, you’re too late lady!

Cathy sees her mom and says that she did everything she could to get away and have a normal life and that she can’t just leave them alone – “I prayed that you had died!”


She snatches her mom’s necklaces and reminds her that she chose money over her children. Heather Graham says that she always thinks she’s making good decisions but they turn out to be wrong. SERIOUSLY?? She thinks she’s making good decisions? She poisoned her kids until one died and one died years later. She locked them in an attic for like 8 years and lied to them. She thought these were good decisions? Heather Graham asks if Cathy really loves Christopher and she says yes but that she made them fall in love by trapping them in the attic.

And just like that the butler walks up and knocks Cathy out. Heather Graham is all “WHAT ARE YOU DOING??” and he says he’s finally ridding this family of the sin they’re plagued with and then knocks her over the head as well. Bart sees this.


She comes to and is all “John Amos?” She always calls the butler by his full name and I always hear John Stamos and this time was the funniest. I think they should do an Oikos tie in where she comes to and is all “John Stamos?” and John Stamos is reclining next to her with a yogurt. Take that idea to the bank, Lifetime!


The butler is going to kill them to rid the family of their sin and Heather Graham is confused because he’s just the help, he’s not even part of the family. Now seems like a bad time to remind him that you think of him as just the help but maybe he’ll just kill you and everything will be easier for everyone.

Bart pulls his bow and arrow on the butler (John Amos) and calls him a false prophet. Finally, Bart does something borderline okay. The butler is INCENSED and looks like he’s going to kill bart with his bare teeth.


Unfortunately Bart misses his head. The servant lights the barn on fire and Bart runs to get his dad to save the day.

Cathy comes to in the barn that’s on fire and her mom quickly catches her up on what’s happened and asks for forgiveness. Cathy hugs her so is that a yes on forgiveness?

Jory says that he’s going to live with his grandma. He seems very tortured over this but he doesn’t know what to do. Where did this come from? In the last scene he was all “no thanks” to her.

Christopher busts into the barn and saves Cathy but, oops, the grandma is still in there.


Where is John Amos? He shows up to try and push Bart into the flames… I guess that arrow he shot at him changed everything between them? A burning beam falls on him and grandma and that’s that. Too bad. Good riddance. (Bart is upset about losing grandma but everyone else seems okay)

And like THAT it’s as if a spell is lifted from the kids because Bart loves them again and Jory doesn’t want to move away with his grandma and tells her not to tell anyone and that he’ll see her at Christmas. Wrapped up with a bow!

The family gets a new puppy! I would not let Bart around a puppy but I guess they’re more forgiving than me.

Jory and his girlfriend make up and she says that she still loves him and they make out. She told him to be honest with her and he was and she appreciates that. Not only is this the healthiest relationship portrayed in one of these movies it might be the healthiest teenager relationship ever.

Bart feeds his new snake a mouse and little Cindy is all “ew.” Kat points out that their sister who killed herself in the last one was named Cindy.

Their kitchen is as beautiful as a kitchen in a Nancy Meyer movie.


Jory and his girlfriend are sneaking up to the attic when Jory sees Bart completely done up as a southern prostelitizer with his hair slicked back.


Is this when he’s Malcolm? Jory is freaked out but he’s a teenaged boy so this does not affect his boner; he still heads up to the attic with his girlfriend to do it.



One thought on “If There Be Thorns.

  1. Pingback: My Year in Movies, 2015 | The Sense of Right Alliance

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