The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story.

Pretty much everyone who knows me knows how obsessed I was with 90210 from the time it premiered until I left for college. In college it was so lame but of course I watched it with my roommates and I remember watching the last episode with our friends at their place as Donna walked down the aisle. I had the Spring Dance episode taped and watched it maybe 15 times before the next season started.

When I was 13-14 I maybe read 4 unauthorized books about this show and had my walls wallpapered with Teen Beat and Bop! centerfolds of Luke Perry (never Brandon, yuck). I currently own a few more and I have seen every episode. THIS MOVIE WAS MADE FOR ME. I’m so ready for it.
luke perry

It starts with the super sexy stars Brandon and Dylan being snuck out of a hotel in a laundry hamper while Roam by the B-52s plays. The screaming girls find them anyway. It’s a tough life being a teen heartthrob.

OPENING CREDITS

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Aaron Spelling, who looks like a young guy wearing a white wig and doing a George Bush Sr. impression, is saying he needs a show on the air. He’s pissed that Charlie’s Angels might be over while teenagers are all the rage now.

Oh my god, the guy playing Aaron Spelling is someone but this movie was hustled out so fast there isn’t even a real imdb page for it yet. All I see is that the girl who played Kelly in the Saved By the Bell movie is playing Valerie in this which I think is pretty great.

Aaron Spelling passes because he thinks teenagers are boring. Fair enough.

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, I just realized that Aaron Spelling is being played by Dan Castellaneta. Yes, Homer Simpon himself. I’m dying.

The president of Fox calls him (Barry Diller) to talk him into it and he’s all “what do I know about teenagers who live in Beverly Hills?” and he says “you have two teenagers and you live in Beverly Hills.” TOUCHE.

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^^^^ Everyone who works at FOX is a broad caricature in a suit ^^^^

He throws out the genius that they should add Beverly Hills to the title “90210” and man, what a genius this guy is. Give him another billion dollars!

**Okay, I’m already bugged. They’re acting like the show was called “90210” but duh, everyone knows it was supposed to be called “Class of Beverly Hills.” It doesn’t bode well that this movie doesn’t even know that much.

Out by the pool is his daughter Tori, who steals his briefcase to go through the scripts but she’s so bored by the old people scripts he always has. She also tells him that she’s a really talented young actress so her ego is doing great. She tells him he doesn’t have any shows on the air right now because the audiences might be getting younger and cooler. Hmmm, that’s one to think about. He calls Barry Diller, just like that.

Young Luke Perry does construction work, which is covered in all of his unauthorized biographies so maybe this part is true.

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The guys tease him about being a dreamboat and wanting to be an actor. He smokes because he’s so bad.

The foreman wants to promote him but if he takes it he can’t leave to take auditions anymore. He says he can do that because auditions have been slow anyway.

Jennie Garth is at lunch being told she booked the part on a high school musical and wow, the girl they got looks so much like young Kelly Taylor.

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She says “who wants to watch a musical set in high school anyway?” and the whole High School Musical franchise along with Grease and Bring It On laugh in her face.

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Hahahahaha, Ahhhhhndrea wants to go to LA for pilot season and her agent essentially tells her she’s old and doesn’t have it (true) and she’ll never make it (somehow not true this one time).

Jason Priestly gets home from a shoot and his roommate is a surfer dude and the neighbors think he’s a fox.

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A script arrives for their other roommate, Brad Pitt (TRUE), arrives and they sign for it and joke about the script, something called “Thelma and Louise.” Roommate tells him he’s “as pretty as Pitt.”

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Tori sits around reading more scripts from her dad’s briefcase. Man, does he just carry around a zillion pilots all the time? She’s immediately into the 90210 script because it features people under 60 years old.

She hears her dad on the phone and this is what it’s like. Listen to this performance of Aaron Spelling:
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He’s being told that all the good teens are already booked on “Hull High” (what Jennie Garth just booked), “Parker Louis” (I totally watched that) and also “Ferris Bueller” (a huge mistake and flop that was immediately canceled). Tori tells her dad that he should have come to her because she knows who all the hot, young actors are. Hello, she is one of them! Duh, dad.

She immediately tells him Jason Priestly for Brandon and her dad thinks that makes sense. Then Shannen for Brenda. Tah-dah, Tori made all of this happen!

The two go in to audition immediately. As they audition the room keeps reminding them that they’re siblings because I guess their raw sexuality is confusing the scene for everyone.

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Luke Perry starts up his audition for Steve Sanders which is just hilarious. Imagine if they had cast the show this way? He tells the room that he’s not right for the part of Steve Sanders, right? They let him “do his thing” for some reason and so he goes rogue. Though the casting director finds him super sexy he is definitely not Steve Sanders.

Tori shows up and claims her name is Tori Mitchell and she reads for Kelly.

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They know exactly who she is but they liked her as well. Casting director says the network wants to offer Kelly to Jennie Garth so I guess they found their Donna Martin.

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Suddenly Ahhhhndrea walks in with the other two but we never hear the explanation as to how that happened. I guess the scene about how everyone young hot was already booked is the explanation? Brenda and Kelly talk about how hot Brandon is- Ahhhhndrea agrees (just like her character does).

The guy playing Steve doesn’t look 30 so I guess they didn’t cast him correctly. Tori and Brian Austin Green joke about how old everyone else is and how they’re probably talking about their favorite Golden Girls episode (hey! watch it!).

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They do a table read at Aaron Spelling’s house (where Tori calls him her dad so that cat is out of the bag rather quickly) and they’re all excited about what hot crap they are… until they arrive at their garbage set and get sad (Chadd has asked me to include that this has an actual SAD TROMBONE music cue). What is passing for the crap set looks like the wood shop part of every set I’ve worked on.

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The next day a car full of barely dressed girls pulls up and waves at the guys and the first AD tells them all that they’re shooting in the middle of the porn district.

They’re even more horrified inside and ask why Tori’s dad couldn’t get them space on a real lot. She’s just excited to be here, you guys!

Brian Austin Green sees his dressing room and busts out a little running man since he’s the smooth dancer of the bunch (not joking). They messed up casting him because this guy’s voice doesn’t crack and he’s not nearly pipsqueaky enough.

Brenda is #1 on the dressing room/parking space list and I guess that starts immediately feeding her ego. Donna and David are already flirting and it’s the pilot.

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They go to a screening of the pilot but all we see is everyone walking out looking horrified / worried. No one more so than Ahhhhndrea who immediately goes to get a hostess job because she knows it’s over for her old ass.

Darren is freaking out because this pilot sucks.

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Aaron thinks the show needs a bad boy… cut to Luke Perry getting a phone call while he’s on the job, shirtless and glistening. This phone booth scene would have killed 13 year old me.

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He borrows a shirt and goes to audition, literally buttoning it up during the audition (well, buttoning 2 buttons) like he had no time to do that until now and then smoking and looking like James Dean.

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The room is so distracted by his raw, animal heat that they don’t realize his audition has started.

Some suit at Fox doesn’t like him. Aaron fights them on it and says he’s going straight to Barry with this. Darren points out that Luke just works construction, he’s not a hot commodity and Aaron admits that he made it up because he’s a savvy producer who gets what he wants.

Aaron tells Barry Diller he’ll pay Luke out of pocket. Rich people have all the answers!

Luke comes in to meet everyone and the ladies start primping to meet him. The actor nails Dylan’s squinty eye thing but doesn’t do the husked whisper thing unfortunately.

Ian worked on a lot of soaps so he’s telling Kelly how kissing on screen works. It’s freaking me out how much this girl looks like Kelly. He talks her into going to a weird backroom and “practicing” with him for 15-20 minutes. What a skeez. He sprays his breath spray and then tells her not to hold back.

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Everyone pops up and surprises them and mocks what a skeez he is. Hahaha, Steve Sanders wasn’t cool in real life either.

The commercial for the Melrose Place one airing next Saturday makes me want to watch the SNL that Heather Locklear hosted again. It is one of the best and my sister and I used to watch it over and over. There are no videos online (how is that possible??) so here is a scene she did with Mike Meyers: pasta maker

Aaron and Darren get a call saying that 13 episode in and the numbers are terrible… they were just talking about shooting 6 episodes. I guess the movie is just zooming into the future. Darren thinks it’s because they’re up against Cheers. The network gives them three more episodes and if those flop it’s done.

The editor says everyone is talking about it getting canceled. He’s worked on a lot of shows that got canceled including Punky Brewster and Kate and Allie so this will probably just be another job he loses. This editor seems like a joy to work with! On screen they’re watching Kelly tell the story of being date raped (which does not look like this in the real show, btw).

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**Also, Steve’s car is red (not black like it was on the show) and has the wrong license plate (I8A 4RE on the show).

Darren freaks out in the edit bay- “IF I WAS A TEENAGER I’D WATCH THIS!” and the editor is all “totally, they’re like going through the real stuff I went through.” Okay. You guys are both insane. Calm yourselves, bros.

Desert Storm happens and it messes up tv schedules so Fox decides to air more tv shows to distract people from the horrors of war.

Brenda is so pissed that she has to wear ugly midwestern clothes while Kelly and Donna gets to wear cool, designer clothes. She says “no offense” but Ahhndrea dresses like her mom (true).

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Everyone complains about their clothes and now we’re shooting the episode where Dylan and Brenda are making out hard core on a chair (in the show it was on a couch, jesus christ). They cut to tell him to stop squeezing her boobs. He says he can’t help what his hands do.

They get a talk about the FCC regulations and how you can’t touch boobs on tv. The music is like a clown car driving around a circus while they joke about what counts as a breast.

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Aaron wraps up the meeting with the cast making it clear that they’re doing it off screen as well. Aaron is worried (probably about his 16 year old daughter I assume).

Cut to montage of everyone making out with everyone.

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Darren ends the montage by breaking up Brenda and Brandon (ew). Like, physically separating their faces.

They’re working on the winter dance episode (WHAT THE FUCK?!? EVERYONE KNOWS IT WAS THE SPRING DANCE!) and yet no one is in the right clothes or looks right. Why not just match it to the damn episode?? Am I crazy? If I wasn’t crazy before this movie is driving me there.

They discuss making new episodes for the summer- which is exactly what got my friends hooked after season 1. New shows during the summer! So smart. Darren is in.

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THE REAL SCENE:
spring dance

Look at Donna’s dress? Why is this movie messing with me like this?? Tori is telling Darren about how she’s going to be the Lucille Ball of the show. Just put a camera on her and she’ll do “stuff.” He somehow says yes to this.

Brenda throws a fit while shooting the virginity scene because she thinks Dylan is an amateur and Darren accidentally agrees with her so Dylan stomps off.

The AD asks Donna what she’s going to do and she walks around tangled in her dress, almost falls and then sits down in a big, over the top way. The AD says “wow, that’s funny.” And just like that Tori Spelling becomes the Lucille Ball of her time.

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THE WHOLE EFFING POINT OF THE WINTER DANCE IS THAT BRENDA AND KELLY WORE THE SAME DRESS. Holy shit, stop it movie, just get the very basics correct please.

Aaron tells him it’s a hit as a graphic of the ratings covers the screen. It’s a hit! They get an actual soundstage.

Aaron’s phone rings in the middle of the night. He and his wife assume it’s Shannen but it’s the network. They’re having an issue with the advertisers because there is an episode where Brenda has sex and it wasn’t a big deal and she was happy she did it. It’s so sad but this is probably true. They literally say that a young girl isn’t supposed to enjoy sex. They’re told to “apologize to America” by making her feel bad for ever having sex in the first place.

I want that scene to be a lie so badly but I bet the same shit happens today. Darren is so pissed because every time he speaks it’s like a PSA. He calls his episode the “most sophisticated depiction of teen sex in the history of television!” HAhahahahahahahha.

Now we’re montaging to the next season of the show. Brenda and Dylan are shooting what is their breakup scene but the actors are confused because it makes no sense. Darren pretty much tells them they have to play ball so they go along with it.

When I was 13 this was so confusing- she has sex with Dylan and is psyched about it and talks about how great it is. Then, she is all crying and saying things went too fast and she needs a break from him as soon as the show came back. Now I know why!

Girls chase them around and Brandon and the show get Golden Globe nominations montage.

The girls fight over who gets to wear the red dress for a photoshoot and Brenda is a crazy bitch about it while Donna says she’s going to show up in a red dress tomorrow too and then leaves. Haha, at the photoshoot Donna and Kelly are in red while Brenda scowls in a black dress (skip to the bottom to see what Tori Spelling says really happened instead of this scene).

Aaron Spelling pops into the edit bay to see the scene where Donna kisses David and he’s all “as a producer, I feel great. As a father, I think it’s time for the talk.” Hahahahaha, the cartoonish way Aaron Spelling is portrayed here.

The summer season was a huge hit! The old people in suits all celebrate.

The scene that opened the movie happens- Brandon and Dylan are smuggled out in a laundry hamper while screaming girls run around a hotel a-la “A Hard Day’s Night.” Their lives are so hard.

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Dylan and Brandon meet a president and which effing president is this supposed to be?? It looks nothing like Reagan but apparently that’s who it is.

The restaurant asks them to leave through the backdoor with their burgers because the screaming girls are blocking the entrance.

Jennie arrives for work and she’s annoyed that Shannen is late, yet again. Everyone tells Shannen so when she arrives but she gives no shits.

They talk to guy we’ve never seen before about all of the licensing they saw this summer including 90210 toilet paper. He is all “they’re making dolls of you guys!” but then says really just four of them- Brenda, Brandon, Dylan and Kelly. Sorry, no one wants an Ahhhhndrea doll.

A scene about the “I hate Brenda” movement and then her endorsing George Bush. Oh god, if that’s true I have to stop loving her.

THE BEST SCENE IN THE MOVIE! David is alone in his room just busting a move to his walkman. What a cool guy.

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Shannen never shows up and they all sit around set waiting for her. She gets in and is pissed to see the guys talking to an extra so she demands the AD fire her. She does a scene with Jennie and keeps being an asshole during it so they go outside to brawl.

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Dylan grabs Brenda before she can leap on top of Kelly and then it’s over it looks like.

I still want to know WHY Brenda was acting like this. The media never covered it back then and this movie isn’t now. WHY??

There is only like 20 minutes left and we’re in season 3 of the show so I guess we’re not covering when 90% of the show happened but we’re covering the best seasons so that’s fine by me.

Dylan meets with Aaron Spelling and asks to not have to work with Brenda very much. Even Ahhhndrea would rather not have to deal with her.

She and Steve go for a joyride during lunch and I think they take the Vette from set. He asks what her deal is. He gives her some tough love about her behavior (but it includes telling her she’s like a shark… and a tornado. Did SyFy pay for this tie in??). She says that the entire world hates her. He says that people hate Brenda. WHO ARE THESE CRAZY PEOPLE?! Everyone knows Brenda was the effing best. I said it in 1994 and I’ll say it now- Brenda Forever!

hippy witch
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For some stupid reason he lets her drive the Vette. Within one block she crashes the car… into a little bit of gravel and a traffic cone.

The execs are pissed but I guess only the muffler got dinged and Ian lies and says he was driving.

They all go out to some club together that looks like the Peach Pit After Dark but has even worse music. The guys chat up every girl at the club. David lamely dances for a bunch of them. God, he was lamer in real life than his lame ass was on the show.

Ahhhndrea is in her 30s so she’s tired by 10pm. Brenda apologizes to Kelly saying “I was crazy and I was a mega bitch, I’m sorry.” She accepts.

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Brandon says they have an early call time tomorrow and asks where Brenda is. Some dude picks a fight with David but then says “oh, you’re those losers from that high school show” but Brenda jumps on him and starts hitting him for real.

She gets a ticket for misdemeanor battery. The paparazzi takes photos of it happening. Tori says she’ll tell her dad what really happened.

The execs complain about her dropping out last second as an Emmy presenter and now this. Darren says that the writers adore her and she is arguably the best actor in the cast (I would agree). Aaron tells the network Shannen stays.

Meanwhile, she doesn’t show up at work the next day. Dylan walks around set in a sleeveless baja jacket just as I assumed he always did.

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Another scene of Brian just “freestyling” in his dressing room. It’s as embarrassing as you think it is.

They have a cast meeting about getting rid of her since she never showed up. Tori doesn’t want to gang up on her. Shannen walks in now of course. She apologizes. She says she’s been going through some hard family stuff at home but everyone walks off because she’s probably lying. Tori tells her that everyone wants her out and she freaks out. Shannen tells her to watch her back. Ahhhndrea thinks threatening the boss’ daughter is a bold move.

The movie ends with the news saying she has left the show but that Aaron Spelling wishes her luck. She packs her car and takes off. They talk replacements and they talk Tiffanie Amber Thiessen (in real life she came up after a bunch of people including Alyssa Milano but this movie is in a real rush now). She says this place seems way more chill than her last show (a nod to the Saved By the Bell movie I assume?).

Kelly pulls into the #1 parking space and everyone meets Tiffanie inside. Brian Austin Green was dating her when she started on the show- hilarious. Kelly clearly hates her and then moves in to the #1 dressing room.

The credits are trying hard to be funny with a bunch of text on the screen but the Lifetime on-screen graphics are still up so they’re pretty difficult to read. Jason’s says he’s still better looking than every guy you know. My friend Todd often finds himself grocery shopping with Jason in LA so I’ll let him field that one.

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This movie needed to hire just one person who loved the show and knew things about it- so many simple things were wrong. So much terrible acting. Over on twitter Ian Ziering is watching and called out the movie as well- his last post is really good:
mondale

Jason is not watching but answering everyone asking him about it with how he doesn’t have time for such nonsense.

Up next! Tori Spelling answers questions to a person running a lie detector test. She calls this “one of the scariest things she’s done in her life.” What a charmed life you’ve had then, Tori.

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She was asked 30 questions with yes or no answers.

She answers yes to being cast on 90210 because her dad is Aaron Spelling and it’s TRUE.

Did one of the cast members take her virginity- no. Good lord I hate the wording of “take” in that sentence. Her first boyfriend was a nobody and it was with him. The dress she was wearing the night she had sex with her boyfriend is the dress Shannen Doherty wore in this photo:
sex dress

Did you have sex with any co-stars on 90210? Yes. It was Brian and it was her first love as well. Also someone else but she doesn’t say who it is.

They needle her until she admits it was Jason Priestly. Luke Perry kissed her after her 18th birthday party. She lived a lot of teen girl fantasies essentially.

Hahaha, they ask if she liked the Unauthorized movie and she says yes but the lie detector says he’s lying. Hilarious.

Did she really sell an invitation to Jason Priestly’s wedding at a yard sale? She says no but the lie detector says she’s lying and she’s all “no no, I swear, I’m being honest.” Hmmm, okay. (she totally sold that invite)

She says that the red dress scene in the movie was a fight between her and Jennie Garth and didn’t involve Shannen.

She answered that Shannen deserved to be fired and that was true.

Has she had more than 10 plastic surgeries? No. However, that means she could have had 9 or 10. It’s quite vague. She says it was about her when she was a teenager but clearly as an adult she has had work done. She says she’s had her nose and boobs done but her cheeks are also clearly not hers but maybe it’s fillers?

It’s true that her dad left her 800k out of 500m. She claims her dad wasn’t great with money and that he never cared about it and I wonder what the lie detector is doing right now- bouncing all over the place maybe?

Was True Tori real? Hey, it was. Though she says she has truly forgiven Dean and it comes up false.

The End.

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One thought on “The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story.

  1. I can’t believe you didn’t mention one of my favorite moments. When they’re like “I bet our set is going to be great” and then it cuts to them at the crappy set and the actual sad trombone music plays. It was wonderful.

    Also, Steve Sanders’ weird Sharknado joke.

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