We moved into our place back in February and I recorded this movie in March. Whoops! Looks like I got pretty behind on updating. The guide says that this movie is about a mom who has to protect her son from a sexually aggressive older woman. Something tells me that the son in question is cool with the sexually aggressive part but there is something else mom has to protect him from. The poster is bananas.
The opening credits and slow and techno-y with a bunch of aquarium footage in the background. Jellyfish and sharks and stuff as well as fish. Then some lady in a bikini swimming, then stingrays. SUBTLE. There is a totally a finding nemo fish in there that makes it less scary.
The movie FINALLY opens with really grating hard rock and a dork in a terrible yellow hat explaining to his friend that the “freshman 15” is when a girl starts college she has to have sex with 15 guys before she graduates.
His friend is all “I don’t think that’s what it is” but yellow hat cannot be deterred. A car with two hot ladies pulls up next to them and yellow hat is as embarrassing as you’d guess. His friend tells him he’d have to idea what to do if a lady like that went for it.
The normal friend is getting ready for a pool party and checking out his own butt in the mirror… how good can your butt look in really baggy shorts?
Then he’s checking out some girl who needs help tying her bikini on but her (?) mom walks in and does it.
Where is this pool party? Not at college but it sounds like these dudes are freshman so I dunno. A dude is manning the grill who I assume is a dad because he’s giving the normal guy / the star of the movie / Mark advice on how to one day get a Fulbright Scholarship so I guess this is enough for us to know he’s supposed to be a smart kid? I’ve seen this older dad guy on comedies and the internet says he’s also a big dumb jock on the Big Bang Theory.
He hands Mark an empty hot dog bun (!!) and says to call him if he ever needs anything.
Right then another doofus friend walks up and is all “have you seen Melanie in her new bikini??” and they slo-mo watch her get out of the pool. Is this not her dad standing right behind you? That’s weird.
He just sort of walks away and leaves them to it. Friend wants to have a party and invite Melanie and see what hot friends she brings for him.
Later Mark’s mom is saying the party was great so I guess this is his house? He’s ignoring her because he’s “writing a very intricate line of code right now” and his mom is annoyed because she wants to hear about his great gifts. She tells him about some church social that’s coming up that he could meet girls at that she’s more than happy to take him to. Oh god, going to meet girls with your mom, no thank you. He says okay though because he’s distracted by all that code. In this case code is code for emailing that dad from the party.
Next scene they’re sitting on the couch awkwardly.
Turns out he asked Randy to take his mom out on a date. I still don’t know whose dad Randy is. Mark and his mom are weird about personal life boundaries I guess. Mom says they’ll be home by midnight and as soon as they leave he tells his friends “we’re clear.” Two girls show up so that’s a coup a guess for these guys throwing a party. The dudes only find peppermint schnapps and amaretto in the mom’s liquor cabinet so she has the same kinds of taste as me (GREAT taste). Keep digging you might find some hard lemonades in there! They make some weird ice cream drink for the girls.
Mom, meanwhile, is telling her date all about all the porn she knows her son watches but tries to hide from her. Randy looks uncomfortable.
At home Mark is literally not kissing the girl who is trying to kiss him really badly while his friend makes out six inches away.
Randy tells mom that Mark is at a big crossroads age and that he probably needs a bit of a male role model. Mom couldn’t agree more but she’s not seeing Randy as that person (simmer down, Randy with the sad face), she called the deacon from their church to come hang out with him.
Awkward! But the Deacon sums up that he’s leaving for college at Princeton in the fall so that explains that. Deacon is all “you have company! Great! I have Bible trivia!” his friends look sad as hell.
Mom cluelessly says the deacon had a great time last night and sends Mark to return a towel rack at the hardware store and get the right size. At the hardware store the movie turns realllllly sexy and then you see some tan legs and it’s on. Those legs are attached to a sexy lady who could literally be anywhere from like 30-48 with the airbrushing and everything. She asks him some boring hardware question that he kind of answers and she leaves.
Don’t worry though, she’s waiting for him outside (and outside her green dress has miraculously turned brown). She asks if he could install some pipe for her and he says it’s really easy so she can do it (verryyyy smooth) but she flashes some cash and says she’ll pay him for his time so he goes with her.
He seems to fix it quickly while telling her that he got a full ride to Princeton and she’s all “I spent all my time partying but look where that got me” and it seems to have gotten her a nice car and a really expensive, beautiful house so I’m not seeing the downside. I should have partied more!
He turns the shower on and says the pipe is working and she just takes her robe off (why is she hanging out in only a robe??), is fully nude, and says she’s going to test it out. He looks horrified. She asks if he’s going to join her but he leaves the room and breathes a lot.
He convinces himself through a lot talking himself into getting back in there and while he still looks horrified, he does it. Then there is a montage of them doing it all over her giant house (which is even more beautiful than I thought) so I bet his mom is really worried he’s late now. So far this is an 18 year old dude’s fantasy.
He’s all happy and walking around the house giggly and his mom is all “what’s with you and where have you been?” He says “just out” and she shakes her head like “teenagers, man.” He downs a whole bottle of gatorade and then he’s in the pool with his lame friend who says he’s lying because this lady cannot be real.
Mark makes a guess that she’s 40, which his friend has always said would be like banging two 20 year olds. His friend is the worst. Also, I thought he had more than one friend but I think the guy in the yellow hat is the same as the other guy, just that guy isn’t wearing a stupid hat.
Omg Mark is all dressed up to go on a date in: baggy, ill fitting, pleated pants in some gray color, a white button up shirt, an ill fitting blazer in a different shade of gray. He’s feeling pretty snazzy in this ensemble. His mom assumes he has a date with Melanie but he says it’s with someone else. He won’t tell her who so mom says he can’t have the car tonight but don’t worry, when you’re dating hot older ladies they have cars too (so do many teenaged ladies, for the record).
Mom and Randy are sitting around doing a puzzle during this. So have they been dating for a while? Randy is confusing. I want to make the Randy movie where he doles out empty buns at barbecues and really wants to mentor children but no one will let him and then he does a puzzle in silence.
Mom peeps out the window and sees him get into a fancy convertible and is all “that’s a fancy car for a high school student.” True.
They’re on a date and he’s telling her all about his computer science dreams- she’s all “you wanna be an IT guy?” with the ewwwww heavily implied. He’s all no wayyyyyy, IT is gross, he wants to be a software developer. He shows her this app he created for his mom for after he moves away called “my little man.” Ew, for real. It will help her do all the man things around the house like setting the remote and how much chlorine goes into their pool etc… I’m gagging. I hate that this app is for women who don’t have a man at home. I’m going to call Princeton and get them to rescind his stupid scholarship.
I’m also so mad because the app won’t photograph so you can’t see how ugly it is.
For a moment I thought this lady was Lucinda from 90210 but she’s actually… LUCINDA FROM 90210! Did I get you? Lucinda had Brandon and Dylan in a triangle with her and her husband- she had that bad of taste in men. Looks like nothing has changed for her characters. Also, she was that lady on Friends who was married to the playwright but cheating with Joey and then it went nowhere. This lady is a star.
She tells Mark that she knows some big to do at the app factory and he’s very impressed that she knows so many big deal people. She thinks his stupid, bullshit app is a 90 million dollar idea. She goes to powder her nose and kisses his ear on the way and he’s all I’m so great with women when just two days ago he couldn’t kiss a girl he really liked and who was all over him.
While she’s in the bathroom a guy comes up and just says “RUN! She’s bad news, dude!” and then slinks back into the darkness. Hahaha, that just happened. She comes back and says she paid the check and asks if he wants to drive her car. He doesn’t run.
Mom is pissed that he was out until 12:15 and didn’t call. Mom is super up his butt and asks if he’s doing drugs and that’s why he’s so happy all of a sudden.
He leaves with attitude and says not to expect him for dinner.
She’s getting him tailored for an expensive suit and I’ll assume it’s because of the terrible outfit he put together for their last date and say point Lucinda! Haha, he’s all “these suits are all really expensive.”
He swims laps at her house in a shorter, more fitted swimsuit because once you become arm candy for an older lady you just get better taste in things. I’m not sure what’s in this for her- he’s annoying, a bad dresser, not very attractive and has never had sex before. Maybe she’s out of eligible men in this town or she likes being the boss or she’s just really bored?
He asks about her ex husband and what he did like this: “your house is beautiful! What did your ex husband do?” I mean, she has implied that she married rich but he’s definitely assuming she didn’t work to earn this house at all which is right in line with his app sexism if you know what I mean. She says she doesn’t have an ex husband, that he died, but he was in real estate. He feels bad but after a second asks what this shed by the pool is. Her- “it’s my torture chamber” and he looks worried but she’s just kidding, it’s a sauna. He puts lotion on her back.
Mark gets home and his mom is super nosy, as is her usual. He asks for privacy as he is currently in the bathroom but she waits outside the door. He finishes in the bathroom and leaves his crap everywhere while his mom cleans up after him. Yeah, dating him would be a blast for a woman in her 40s.
Mom sees his phone and sees Lucinda in it and hmmmmms.
Across town Lucinda looks in a mirror with her dress off her shoulder and takes a bunch of pills and makes a lot of grunting sounds. Then she punches the mirror and breaks it.
I have no idea if this is supposed to make her seem crazy or make me relate to her more. Just kidding, it’s supposed to make her seem unhinged but what is this medicine? I assume she’s dated many people in the past and hasn’t murdered anyone so why now is she going off the edge? These movies never explore deep reasons unfortunately.
She shows up at Mark’s house the next day and kisses him when he opens the door all “hey sweetie” right in front of his mom and he stammers out that he texted saying he wasn’t free tonight. But she appears to be there to have dinner with his mom and Randy?
I don’t know but she walks right in and gives his mom a bottle and wine and then they’re eating dinner. It’s the most awkward dinner ever since Mark’s date is the oldest person at the table. Lucinda is all “have you see the awesome app Mark made you?” and no she hasn’t because it was supposed to be a surprise.
Lucinda very stupidly is all “it’s so good, he can probably skip college and go right to the Fortune 500.” Mom is PISSED and tells her he won’t be skipping college and that she needs to back off her son. Mom also says she’s not okay with whatever is happening between them and Mark is all “help me out, Randy.” Randy is again silent. The two women in their 40s keep going at it and mom is all “Mark is just a boy” and Lucinda is all “Oh I assure you he’s allllll man” all licking her lips like a cat that’s up to no good.
It’s so gross, no mom wants to hear that. Lucinda then tells her to cut the apron strings and let Mark make his own decisions. Mom cannot believe this woman’s audacity! Mark goes outside with Lucinda who tells him that his mom is evil. Meanwhile mom is inside ranting that she doesn’t understand what an 18 year old boy would see in such a person and Randy’s face says that he knows and yet he’s still silent.
Outside Lucinda asks Mark if he even knows what he wants. They leave in her convertible while mom looks through a window angrily.
At her house he brings out wine and she’s in the pool all “hey handsome” and then asks if she can handcuff him in the pool with his hands over his head. He says yes but this does not seem to be a comfortable position. He’s so happy to be having sex that he’s not thinking it through.
She starts pushing him underwater while they’re supposed to be doing it in the least realistic way possible (shades of Showgirls but even less real). He doesn’t say a word about how he’s going to die and just struggles against the water while apparently continuing to do it?
And then he seems to have liked it in the end because he finishes and doesn’t die. “That was intense” while he gurgles up water takes us to commercial.
At home mom sees Mark’s laptop and remembers that Randy told her to give him space way back at the beginning of the movie but she opens it anyway and googles Lucinda. I’m surprised Mark hasn’t done this yet.
She was married to a guy who was already dead!
I’m joking but that photo is bananas. Mom keeps reading but we don’t see what she saw next. Mark wakes up to morning sex and is all “now that’s the way to wake up!” so I guess he’s not going home anymore. She wants to go to the beach and he’s all “sex on the beach! YEAH” but she just meant to go to the beach. He’s all “oh.”
The doorbell rings and surprise it’s mom. She has a basket of baked goods and tells Lucinda that she realizes they have something in common because they’re both widows. Mom is super nice about it. Lucinda on the other hand is all “oh please, you’re just a stupid bitch and I don’t like you” and tries to shut the door in her face. That is a super sweet way to talk to your dude’s mom, no matter how old you are. NOW mom is not being so nice and says she wants to see Mark. So Lucinda is the worst.
Mom says that in a few weeks Mark is going to leave and she’ll be alone again and Lucinda is all “maybe. But after a month of me screwing his brains out he’ll probably do whatever I say including cutting you out of his life for good.” So now we know the plot. Mom is SCANDALIZED. I hope she doesn’t leave the basket of baked goods.
Dammit. Lucinda grabbed the basket and shut the door.
Meanwhile, Mark gets out of the shower and is looking through drawers. Why are there mens clothes in here? Anyway, he finds a gun and picks it up and gives a “oooh cool” look instead of the “oh god, get me out of here” face that I would do.
He puts on a weird hot pink polo shirt and eats some of the muffins and says “almost as good as mom’s.” She doesn’t say that his mom did bake them, instead she says that he should move in.
Let’s just pretend that makes any sense at all. Mark isn’t horrified but he also looks not interested. He says the he’s moving in a month so why move his stuff twice. She’s PISSED and tells him to go home. Mark doesn’t know what he said. His friend picks him up in the lame smart car in the terrible hot pink polo.
The friend makes a bunch of jokes about how old the lady is despite being deeply jealous about this whole thing. Mark says that he told her that he didn’t want to move in and the friend is all “you can’t tell someone with so many good years left that you’re not serious.” He’s got to stop asking this dummy for advice.
In and out of some commercials we see more aquarium footage and it’s finally paying off because the next scene starts with the mom in an aquarium and apparently working there. Randy is wearing sweet white socks with sports sandals.
Mom is asking how to snap her son out of this trance. Randy says to allow Mark to make his own mistakes. Mom can’t believe how stupid Randy is.
Randy then implies that had mom been more cool at his party that he may have hit on Melanie and mom is all LIGHTBULB I’m going to invite Melanie over. That’s a great idea since Mark actually liked her as a person and could speak to her. Randy thinks it’s a bad idea so mom says she’ll send an email from Mark’s email address.
Mark facetimes Lucinda but it’s called “BRING YOU CLOSER.” She’s of course mostly nude and Mark is all “I’m so glad you still want to talk to me” but Lucinda is all “are you sure it’s okay with your mom? Your controlling, manipulative monster of a mother?”
Mark, to his credit, says that his mom is a little intrusive but that she’s also a good mom but Lucinda cuts him off. Melanie arrives right now and Mark totally blows off Lucinda to hang out with her. Haha!
They have dinner with mom and Melanie says that she’s going to be going to Columbia in the fall and Mark is impressed. Mom is all “you guys should rent a moving van and drive across country together.” HA!
Mom is laying it on thick and sends them out for ice cream with permission to come home whenever. Mark likes Melanie so he’s okay with it. On their date Mark tells Melanie how embarrassing his mom was when she had a Facebook. Melanie thinks she needs a man but I thought that’s what Randy was? Randy! What is his story!
Lucinda is stalking them from behind a tree, of course.
Mark says that Randy is nice and was friends with his dad. Melanie chooses this topic to be when she asks if he’s ever going to kiss her. He says he’s kind of seeing someone and then says “screw it” and kisses her. What a girl’s dream!
He drops Melanie off at her car at his house and kisses her and says he’ll call her tomorrow. Mark gets home and tells his mom that they had fun.
Melanie walks to her car all smiles but Lucinda is waiting in her backseat with duct tape and tells her to never ever see Mark again and then slices her face with a giant butcher knife.
Inside Mark and his mom hear her scream and go outside to see what happened but they just kind of stand there. Why wouldn’t Melanie come running out of the car??
It’s morning so I guess they didn’t find Melanie. Mom asks if he’s going to call Melanie today and he asks her not to meddle in this. He tries to BRING YOU CLOSER to Melanie but she won’t answer.
Mom is at work and tells Randy his plan worked. He says it wasn’t his plan but she pushes that it worked. Randy says he’s done with her manipulative games and that he’s spent years trying to be there for her and Mark but clearly she doesn’t want him. He doesn’t even want her basket of muffins. Does this woman have a hundred baskets at home just waiting for these moments?
Awww, poor Randy has spent 10 years not being her boyfriend and it’s become too much for him. One too many silent puzzles has broken the camel’s back. Mom is hurt.
Mark is still trying to call Melanie but she won’t answer. He’s with his stupid friend. His friend asks if he’s breaking up with Lucinda and he says he is.
Meanwhile Lucinda shows up at the aquarium to creep on Randy. He actually recoils at the sight of her. But then she keeps being chatty with him and this other guy and they give in and chat a little. They are powerless to her womanly ways! She then says she’s here to see Randy because it’s clear neither of them are having their needs met at home. She says this in front of his coworker. He’s so grossed out and asks her to leave. Awww, Randy is not so dumb. She leaves when he threatens to call security.
Mark’s stupid friend shows up at Lucinda’s house and he’s all “whoa, he wasn’t lying.”
Lucinda is all “did Mark send you??” but she’s serving him iced tea. Um, ew, this gross friend is there to see if this lady will also bang him and goes ahead and tells her that Mark is going to break up with her so she’s available. This guy is the worst. She picks up a butcher knife and I’m like ehhhh go for it.
Finally Melanie BRING YOU CLOSERs in the dark like she’s in the witness protection program and is all “I’m not feeling well, I can’t see you anymore, I really have to go” and he’s super confused.
Lucinda calls all “good news! My friend at the app factory is coming over tonight are you ready to pitch your app?” and Mark says he’s not free tonight. Lucinda is all “see, you make terrible decisions, just do as a I say.” Hasn’t her whole thing been that he should make his own decisions? Anyway, he’s stupid so he’s all okay and puts on a new suit, slicks his hair back and she picks him up.
Oh my god, he’s pitching his stupid app and one of the features is that it will remind his mom that yogurt is on sale and she should treat herself today. Fuck this app.
The guy tells him the app is great and that he’s very mature for his age but that some other company is developing almost the same app so they can’t buy it but that shows that it’s a good idea. The guy and Mark go to leave but she’s pissed when Mark says he’s leaving. She wants to celebrate! Celebrate what? Not making a big ol’ Fortune 500 app deal? She says this guy is offering him a job and he says that yeah in 4 years he might work for this company and that’s nice. Lucinda “Why bother going to college? Is it because you want to party and get laid?” Yes, valedictorians who get full rides to Princeton are often only in it for the frat parties. EYE ROLL. She hits him over the head with the bottle.
Mom is concerned when he doesn’t come home but she’s trying to butt out of his life.
He comes to and they’re in the sauna with him handcuffed in an even worse position. She’s so angry that he dare call this a fling when she should be the most important person in his life.
Uhhhh okay? She starts trying to give him a boner, it’s very weird and gross.
Did she murder his stupid friend? Is the movie implying that she’s raping Mark right now? Yes. Commercial.
It’s morning and mom wakes up and realizes he never came home. She opens the computer she’s been blocked. She calls the friend to see if he’s seen Mark but no answer.
They’re still in the sauna but he’s looking very dehydrated while she pours water on the floor in front of him. Now she’s walking around with a fireplace poker and pokes him with it. He starts screaming and she tells him to relax if he wants to last longer.
Mom asks Randy if he’s seen Mark and he has not. He looks sad though. Lucinda finds his phone and can’t believe his mom called him 35 times and okay, that is a little excessive but in fact she’s right this time because you ARE trying to kill him. Lucinda texts to come get him there but then sits there admiring her gun.
Mom shows up and Lucinda is all “Let’s talk, it’s kind of important.” Mark screams but the sauna muffles them. Lucinda is in a bikini while meeting with mom which seems weird but not the weirdest thing she’s done in the movie.
Lucinda says she’s about to give her a very important opportunity and mom hilariously says she’s not interested in buying any cosmetics (sincerely). Lucinda says that there is no such thing as unconditional love and that Mark will probably stop loving her someday etc… what did this woman’s mom do to her? She has a real thing against mothers. We’ll never know! Anyway, she throws down some handcuffs and says to put them on if she ever wants to see her son again. So leave and call the cops mom. Wait right outside with the police. Leave and come back with everyone you know. Given how last visit went I can’t believe this woman went over alone anyway.
Mom: You must think I’m crazy
Lucinda: No, I think I am
Mom puts on the stupid handcuffs. She sees Mark and asks Lucinda why she’s doing this if she cares about Mark. Lucinda has set up a complicated thing where Mark can only live if mom shoots herself so that he’s finally free of her.
She hates mom now because she made Mark not love her anymore and that’s unacceptable. Her reasons for hating mom grow and change every few minutes.
Um, there is nothing stopping you from fighting back and killing her which is also a valid decision. She gives them a moment to decide what to do but locks them in the sauna with the gun.
This movie was recorded so long ago that there was just a commercial for Party City having St. Patrick’s Day party decorations. I’m ashamed.
Randy is at work in the aquarium, texting mom. Does mom still have her phone? Call the police! Oh wait, it’s on the couch next to Lucinda. Now Lucinda is on a roof by a fire and it’s super late at night. Can Mom cut Mark down at least? Shoot a hole in the door so air gets in?
They seem to have not come up with a plan in the last several hours they’ve been locked in here. Mom appears to be about to pass out despite being in here like 14 hours less long than him. Get it together woman!
She says sorry and then puts the gun to her chin.
Mark appears to be passed out but Lucinda hits the door right at this second and mom decides to fight instead. There are gunshots but also the doorbell rings.
Lucinda goes to check and thinks mom has killed herself (there is no blood) but she has not and she starts kicking her ass. My favorite move is when mom shoves her face in the hot sauna coals.
We still don’t know why the doorbell rang.
Lucinda comes flying out of the sauna but Randy harpoons her with a pool thingy because he works at an aquarium. That appears to be that. How did he get in or find the place? We’ll never know! They hear noise and Randy goes to open a pool thingy where the stupid friend has been locked inside for days.
I was thinking that Randy will definitely be getting sexed by mom now but through all of this he’s still in white socks and sports sandals so I can’t be sure.
You hear police sirens in the distance.
Now Mark and Melanie are about to across country to school and his dumb friend is getting ready for community college (this is not a commentary on community colleges, there are idiots in every kind of college). Melanie is just okay with all that happened?? She is much more forgiving than me. Mom is all “don’t get into any trouble” like they didn’t just have to kill someone to protect him like 2 weeks ago.
All wrapped up with a bow I guess. I assume all the trauma therapy is happening off camera?
Oh and a 50 year old woman pulls up to take his stupid friend to the movies. Mom shakes her head. WAhhh wahhhhhh.