Virtual Lies.

Sorry for the hiatus but I was in Brasil for the World Cup so I’m actually not sorry at all.  It was amazing!  Anyway, tonight’s movie is “Virtual Lies” which the internet tells me was originally called “Cyber Seduction” but offers no explanation as to why they changed the title.  Kelly Lynn is here because we had band practice and she chose this one from a list because internet things are usually hilarious.

The poster I found online says “inspired by a true story” but we’re dubious as to how INSPIRED this has to be to count. Like, did someone have an affair online once and that’s all that inspired this? Or was a woman blonde once?

The movie starts with someone in black killing another lady by hitting her with a car jack until she falls off a cliffy thing. It looks like it was shot on my old phone. Not even my current phone. Some sort of flip razr shot this scene or could have.

Kelly is all “HEY, IT’S HER!!! She was on Defying Gravity” and I have no idea what that is but I guess she gets more work than this.

This lady is heading up a meeting for disturbed youth or something and a kid named Tai is all “why did you tell them that I haven’t been attending meetings?” and she says that it’s because he hasn’t been attending meetings.  Fair enough.  He’s pissed and throws a basketball out of rage so I don’t think these anger management classes are working for him.

Another lady at work is all “I’m a very wise black lady and you should  come have drinks with me before you completely burn out” and Defying Gravity lady is all “whatevers, I’m fine” and takes off.

She has a giant house that’s supposedly near Seattle but is actually in Canada says the internet: 

She gets home and a kid is all “mom! mom! I need help with my homework” and they did no work casting a kid who even looks remotely like this woman.

Now we’re seeing her husband and he looks like her and not like the kid at all. He was supposed to start dinner but he didn’t and instead he’s been on the computer.

He claims to be working but apparently he’s unemployed so maybe he’s terrible at lying.  They have a tense talk where he sounds like a liar some more and then we see someone trying to IM him as he walks off to throw a pizza in the oven. She would like him to get a job… and then casts a very angry glance at his computer. FORESHADOWING.

Now we see the girl he’s having his affair with who met him at the doctor’s office where he takes his son. She’s A MESS. She can’t even sit still in a chair at therapy.

She’s twitchy and pulling her hair and talking about how she’s off her meds but no big deal.  One time my friend Brandon told me that women try to trade up when they have affairs- someone hotter or hotter and more successful than their current partner but that men are stupid and don’t do that… this girl is proving his point!

Mom is talking to her work friend, the wise black lady, about how it’s been a hard year without her husband working while they eat plates full of lettuce.  Kelly- “women be eating salad.”

Not working for a year is pretty rough. Friend asks if she should talk to him and I’m like “yeah, let her” but nah, mom is fine.  She’s got this!

The affair woman is all dressed up at her computer to send some IMs.

Dad is at the doctor with his kid who gets weekly asthma shots. Are those even a thing? I have asthma and I’ve never heard of them- I think maybe they mean allergy shots? He’s such a good dad- the doctor is very impressed!

She even takes a picture of them posing as two people who could not look less alike.

We learn that the affair woman is named “HotStuff26” online and her husband is named “Builder_Man” hahahahahahhaha

^^^^ PRO TIP- If you want to seem very cool and even keeled, always type in bold, red, caps. ^^^^

At home dad is supposed to be getting the kid ready for tae kwon do and then taking him to a sleepover but he’s again at his computer. The sneaky music kicks in because computers are EVIL.

When dad is out of his giant office which he has for no reason since he’s unemployed mom pops in there and is all “wait” to herself but then decides to start looking anyway.

She finds something called “profile pic.” She’s pretty pissed but it’s literally a picture of his head and shoulders so couldn’t that be for ANY WEBSITE IN THE WORLD?

This photo illustrates that the husband and kid are pretty much the lamest:

After the husband and son leave she goes on the computer and finds a very weird photo… of some lady’s back.

Again, not so scandalous but she prints it out in full color… just in case? For something? Unclear. Then an IM window pops up from HotStuff26 and she replies that Will is her husband and they have been married for 15 years and have a son. HotStuff is PISSED and logs off.

Her face is like “WTF?”

Her hands are all “I’m an insane person but I have a great manicure.”

We now see that HotStuff works at the doctor’s office as the front desk person so wouldn’t she know that he’s married? Wouldn’t that be common knowledge to the doctor’s office? She googles the wife and finds her immediately- Kelly Lynn finds this suspicious since mom’s name is “Jamie Chapman” and only this woman comes up with this name and yeah.  At the Dr’s office we see HotStuff twitching but telling the doctor that everything is going to be okay.

Will gets home (dad’s name is Will) and all these full color photos of women’s backs are printed out and on their dining room table.

Mom is all “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US?!?” I think that if you have a fetish for women’s backs in dresses then you can go on any clothing site and find a lot of satisfying images, very easy fetish.  Also, she could have found weird porn on his computer but instead she found these photos that don’t even include nudity at all. He’s all “she lives in New York, I’ve never even met her!” and I’m all “wait, is that the lady at the Dr’s office?” and Kelly thinks either he’s lying or that HotStuff is pretending to be someone who lives in New York. Also, the women in these photos don’t appear to be her or even the same person so dad might be very stupid.

HotStuff is at the park and their kid is playing and she’s telling some stranger about how she’s marrying his dad soon and she’s SOOOO HAPPY but her face is making all these contortions and ticks instead. It’s so bananas. We love this actress.  Who is with the kid? Is he out playing alone while his parents fight at home? Isn’t it night time at their house? How is it day time at the park?

They’re fighting about this more upstairs and he’s all complaining about how hard it’s been having his wife supporting his family because it’s emasculating and I roll my eyes until I’m blind.  SHUT UP. Your wife works two jobs while you spend your days getting photos of lady’s backs on the internet- you’re the worst.  While they’re fighting he starts getting IMs from HotStuff and that’s pretty bad timing indeed.

He doesn’t reply. HORRORS!!

HotStuff videotapes mom from her car for a few seconds:

HotStuff finds some video online of a lady sexy dancing in fishnets and quickly puts mom’s face on it and it’s just that easy to completely change a video frame by frame. Just takes two seconds!  Sigh.

The kids at the youth center are watching the video and laughing at her and she doesn’t know what’s going on.

A girl at the youth center shows her the video and she’s pissed.  Kelly wonders why she doesn’t call youtube to have them take it down but instead she says “my husband isn’t going to find this funny.”  I don’t know, the woman’s back is prominently featured in the video and we know that’s what he likes.

As she is going home from work HotStuff calls her and tells her that she has a meeting with the regional director about her license renewal at 7:30 and she’s all “No one told me about this meeting so I’ve already left work” and HotStuff says she doesn’t have a choice.

After they get off the phone HotStuff emails her photo to someone. It’s very mysterious.

Mom is in the dark center at night and I’m wondering how she thought she was really having a meeting right now and now some dude with long, scraggly hair and cowboy boots comes in and is someone there to bang her and when she says she doesn’t know who he is and didn’t set this up he gets angry and starts to attempt to rape her while saying “I didn’t come all this way for nothing!”

She beats him up and runs to her car but for some reason she sits outside the car first and doesn’t get it.  He is the dumbest asshole in the world and runs out to find her but instead of going to THE ONLY OTHER CAR IN THE LOT he seems to run towards his own.  She drives off.

She’s telling her husband about all this shit but she thinks Tai, the juvenile delinquent at work, is behind all this.  HotStuff called her cell phone to set up that meeting- why not google that number? It is not mentioned at all.  Kelly points out that this stuff is bringing them closer together so HotStuff is failing in several ways.

They confront Tai at the center about this stuff and he’s understandably pissed which is probably counterproductive to his anger management.  Mom and her work friend have a very vague convo about how easy it is to get away with anything on a computer now- computers man, they’re evil.

Will is at the doctor and HotStuff is having him fill out paperwork and it is clear that he does not know who she is so I think Kelly Lynn was totally right. She’s been catfishing him! I’m feeling a little bit badly for this dude now since he’s so dumb. She brings up Princeton and he’s all “me too! And I was on crew” which, so was she! Can you believe that?? These two have so much in common.

The doctor brings out his son and he’s all “I guess we’ll exchange more Princeton stories next time” and they leave.  The doctor is all “you went to Princeton?” suspiciously and HotStuff says her brother did. The doctor eyeballs her because she doesn’t believe this at all. The doctor is my favorite character in the movie so far.

Mom and husband are going out to a fancy date but she’s wearing a weirdly frumpy dress and big ol’ cardigan covering up her money maker (her back, hello). The babysitter arrives and DUN DUN DUNNNNNN it’s HotStuff.

She actually called and offered to babysit because she babysits for a lot of the patients at this doctor’s office. That’s not weird at all, right?

Mom talks to her and they lady bond like two non-insane people. They leave for dinner.

The kid is playing a videogame when he’s supposed to be sleeping and she keeps peeking in on him and then busts him and says some creepy things to him before leaving his room.

This date is so boring.  ZZZzzzzzZZzzzzzzz I fell asleep. Will is all “I know I’ve made some mistakes but I’m dedicated to fixing this.” This guy is wearing so much make up- we’re wondering if he’s on a Canadian Soap or something.

Meanwhile, back at home, HotStuff gets a shirt of Will’s out of the closet and rubs it all over her face and then walks around the house hugging it.

Now she’s looking at the family photos and opening a laptop and stealing all of their files.  She’s definitely playing this as crazy as possible, with a wide variety of amazing faces- I’m not sure what meds would fix her problems.

The son walks in all “hey, that’s my mom’s” about her laptop. She’s pretty busted but somehow he doesn’t notice her taking her jump drive out of the USB port. The son is all “there are a lot of confidential files on that computer” and I’m all “why doesn’t it have a security screen to log in then?”

She asks if he wants some juice and then drugs him.

She calls the parents and they rush home because he’s having an asthma attack.  Will is all “I’m just glad you were here” and she’s SO HAPPY that he acknowledged her in any way. She’s glowing.  What the hell powder do you put in juice to make someone have an asthma attack??

At HotStuff’s house we see more of this huge house that she apparently lives in alone and it’s all giant candles and pictures of Will papering the walls.

Mostly just photos of his face and him in his jacket- where did she get these photos?? Who knows.  It’s like a serial killer lair in there.

HotStuff is at therapy all “I went to Will’s house and spent some quality time with his son so things are going great” and she’s even more crazy than her therapist will ever know.

He asks why she’s so attracted to this idea of a ready made family and she LOSES HER SHIT and is all “why don’t you want me to be happy” and storms out of his office.

Now she’s at work writing up a thing saying that Jamie / Mom is a sexual predator and that’s really crossing a lot of lines for anyone let alone a woman who is a teacher and works with kids at her second job.  Ugh times infinity.

Her friend at work gets this predator notice that it was printed in a newspaper supposedly several years ago.

And the newspaper article was emailed to everyone in their database including student parents and that’s ridiculous. She is put on a paid leave of absence until this is worked out and Kelly thinks that’s very Canadian of them to pay her during this time even though the movie is set in Washington supposedly.

At the doctor’s office Will looks worried and HotStuff asks if he’s okay and strokes his arm. He says he’s fine. We see that he’s reading that same newspaper article.

One of the troubled kids asks mom if she’s okay and she says she is but that it’s not true. He asks if it makes her mad to always have people saying mean things about you and she says that it does.  She asks if Tai is around because man, she hates this kid.  He’s playing basketball and we also see that this place has a skate park.  Jeez, this center is amazing.

Mom and Tai have a confrontation. Poor Tai continues to tell her that he has nothing to do with any of this and tells her that she’s mean.  The kid playing Tai looks 100% more like he could be related to her than the kid playing her son.  She finally seems to believe him.

HotStuff is at work and she’s adding some child abuse details to their son’s file at work, no big deal. Just committing a total crime.

The doctor walks up and asks why she has the Chapman’s file open and she says that she’s updating some contact info and the doctor gives her some serious face so this doctor continues to be my favorite character in the movie.

Mom tells her husband that she thinks it’s his online lady who is doing this to her- he is all “no, I know her, she wouldn’t do this.”  Oh, spoken like a true person being catfished.  He’s all “she lives in New York” and mom tells him that anyone could send photos of New York and he’s totally confused by that news.

The doctor tells HotStuff to leave but she stays behind and checks out her computer and finds the weird child abuse things and right then Jamie has her husband IM HotStuff so the doctor gets that as well.

Why didn’t she wait for HotStuff to leave first?? She’s shocked. She replies “This is Dr. Gloria Reese, call me” but doesn’t hit enter (THIS DRIVES KELLY INSANE) but instead finds the funniest photo ever- the photo of Will with his son that HotStuff has taped a photo of herself into awkwardly standing with them.

The Doctor is scared but not for long because HotStuff STABS HER IN THE NECK WITH A SYRINGE (all while mom waits at her computer for a reply going “why isn’t she replying?!?!)

HotStuff tells her that she’s going to marry Will and drags her body out of the doctor’s office but pauses to grab her ridiculous photo on the way out.

She takes the doctor to a cliff and kills her a-la the first scene.  Well, she pushes her off the cliff at least while saying that she and Will are meant to be together. Yes, with this doctor out of the way you’re in!

Mom tells Will that the person he was talking to online doesn’t exist and he’s all “so everything was a lie??” and I wish I could show him an episode of Catfish because this poor dude would be in shock.

HotStuff sits in her serial killer lair, surrounded by lit candles.

Wait! Only while uploading photos did I realize that she is wearing Will’s shirt that she rubbed all over her face when she was babysitting.

HotStuff shows up at the therapist’s office all “I NEED TO SEE YOU” because nothing makes you need an emergency therapy session like murdering your boss.

(I’m pretty sure I own this same blazer)

He tells her that she needs to go to the hospital to get the help she needs and she says that she does not need the hospital- she will not go back there! He says she needs to for just a few days and I’m surprised that she doesn’t think that herself.  She runs away while he’s calling the hospital.

Mom is driving to work saying that she can’t do anything about Will’s lady without a name and she says that the police called her school and said it was all a hoax that never happened. Now her boss calls her to say that she sent an email to the entire database a letter of resignation admitting to all of the allegations.

Everyone is freaking out at the center. Jesus christ, this woman just doesn’t stop trying to ruin mom’s life even when she’s probably about to be arrested for murder.

HotStuff sits on a leather sofa just making crazy faces.

Now we have voice over reading us the IMs on the screen (which we learned is called Chatterbox in this movie, hilarious) despite them being up on screen for long enough to read.  He dumps her via IM which probably should have happened a while ago. She smashes the pillows on the couch out of anger.

Mom goes to work anyway because she wants to explain to the kids that she didn’t say all of these things.  The boss is all “no problem” despite it probably being illegal right now since she supposedly admitted to sexually abusing a child in her email and all.

The kids are all “don’t worry, we never believed the lies” because her troubled youths really love her despite her being pretty shitty to them sometimes. She then throws a double peace sign because she’s so cool and down.

HotStuff is outside the center in her black sweatshirt which is her murdering outfit- run, mom!

She almost runs her over with her car but mom is too fast and dodges the car.

Will is all psyched because he has a job even though it’s just a small residential job… it’s HotStuff’s house!  Surprise! Uh oh, he leaves his phone in the car by accident.

He goes in and she’s in a red dress like the one he had a photo of a back in before and she has a dinner for two set up and she’s all “it’s your favorite, rack of lamb.”

He’s so confused and asks how she knows that- she’s AJ the New York woman, DUN DUN DUNNNN. He is still confused because he really is that dumb.

She starts listing off personal things that he told her and he stands there.  He says that he made a mistake and that there is nothing between them and that if she does anything to hurt his wife he will call the police. She’s so pissed- she made RACK OF LAMB! How dare he not appreciate that!

Why isn’t she under arrest for murder yet? Kelly thinks that poor doctor’s body still hasn’t been found. C’mon Seattle, a doctor is missing!

She grabs one of the several candlesticks in the house and beans him over the head so now we have a true Clue mystery on our hands.

Mom is leaving Will a message asking where he is and she wants to tell him about being run down on the road earlier. She tells her son not to eat string cheese before tae kwon do and then he’s all “can I go on your computer and download a super cool game?” and this gets us to him FINALLY telling mom that the creepy babysitter was using her computer and calling herself “hot stuff” and she’s all WHA?!!!?!?? The kid stands there like a ghost.

Mom finds the address of the house he was going to for work.  Meanwhile, Will is tied up in an old fashioned wheelchair at HotStuff’s house all Misery-style.

She freaks out and is yelling at him about how he didn’t get to know her or even give her a chance to make him realize she’s worth leaving his wife for. It’s like single girls now don’t even get the chance to convince men they’re better than their wives of 15 years- it’s so unfair. Bravo should make a show about this injustice. He lies that he could love her and she’s all “LIAR” and then beats the crap out of him while he’s in the wheelchair.

She says they’re going on a trip and I think it’s to that cliff she likes to push people off of but Kelly thinks she means that she’s going to push the wheelchair down the stairs.

This house that HotStuff lives in is beautiful and huge.  How? She works as an office manager at a doctor’s office and lives alone. Kelly is noticing how beautiful even the paint job is on the outside of the house.

Oh wait, mom is here and it’s on. We’re distracted by these beautiful built-ins.

Mom sees Will and starts to untie his restraints and HotStuff sees her and comes at her with giant, cartoonish scissors but mom dodges them and they roll down the stairs and then smash the dining room table.

HotStuff finds the champagne bottle and goes to smash it over mom’s head but Will saves her (boring). He beans her over the head with maybe another candlestick.

Then they’re all “THANK GOD THAT’S OVER” but she’s right there next to them so are we sure that it’s over?

Exterior shots of the space needle make it really clear that we’re in Washington and not in Canada at all in case you were wondering.

Mom tells her troubled youths that this woman got off track somewhere and that’s heartbreaking and they’re all “hmmmm, you really taught something important about life.” Just kidding, they think HotStuff is crazy but nod anyway.

Will and their son are outside for an impromptu family day because their marriage is great now.

THE END.