Open Marriage.

Open Marriage is a movie about a couple opening up their marriage and, you’re not going to believe this, it backfires. They seem to open it to include their best friends which, right off the bat, seems like a terrible idea. What could go wrong? Let’s find out!

^^^ All of these names sound like generic versions of actual people in movies^^^

Watching this one with my husband, Chris, to get the full married people experience. It opens with a dead lady bludgeoned by a faux antique clock so this is definitely terrible a terrible idea.

Chris is all “is this is beginning?” thinking our dvr messed up but no, it’s just very clever storytelling.

Next screen? 3 months earlier and a faux antique clock that hasn’t been used to bludgeon a person to death yet. BOOM! You’re hooked!

A guy lays in bed with one half sleeve of tattoos and looks pensive. Then he stands, with his half sleeve of tattoos, and eats cereal with a pensive look on his face. His wife is pissed when the cabinet door just comes off in her hand and she’s all “you’re going to injure yourself and we’ll be screwed all over again!” because he hurt his back a year ago and workman’s comp ended 2 months ago. Whatever happened to his back hasn’t stopped him from working out if you look at all of his shirtlessness.

He picks up a bottle labeled PRENATAL VITAMINS and says they’ll be back to trying in no time. She takes one but is all “I hate to burst your bubble, it may be your fault that we can’t get pregnant” and I’m assuming this means they just started trying right? Testing a guy’s sperm is one of the first steps when you can’t get pregnant.

Now they’re at a giant house sitting by the pool and ol’ half sleeve also wears raggedy flip flops. Their friends are all “we would never have a guest use the help’s bathroom” so you know they’re both rich and assholes.

They tell their poor friends that they never argue and joke that it’s because they’re rich so they don’t have to argue about money. Yeah, that’s why rich people never get divorced. Airtight logic.

Poor couple turns down their offer to give them money. Poor wife compliments the other lady’s blonde hair and she’s all “I hope we don’t get confused” all slyly despite them looking nothing alike.

Rich couple asks how their sex life is and they say it’s good. Rich lady is all “so you think” and they’re like “rich people have better sex too?” sarcastically. Nope! They opened up their marriage and it’s awesome now.

Sorry, poor people, they’re killing it right now and doing life 100% awesomely. They have rules in place so that nothing bad happens and she literally punctuates that with a BOOM like she’s a genius for thinking about the need for boundaries in a marriage. Why is it always assholes like this being the poster children for open marriage? People I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole if they were single. Anyway, this isn’t actually how most people have open marriages because this is a Lifetime Movie so don’t worry, everyone reading who may have googled “open marriage” and are really let down to find this blog and not something very different.

Anyway, the poor couple goes home and has hot sex possibly thinking about banging the other couple. In the morning they just sit wrapped in sheets in their bed that is straight out of a Meat Loaf music video and talk about how the idea of opening their marriage turned them on. Chris says that in addition to the half sleeve he has a tattoo that says “out of line” on his other arm.

They talk around this subject a lot like a couple that is great at communicating and being clear (EYE ROLL). He says that he would never do anything to hurt her and Chris is all “except this.” She says if he makes it her decision then it’s her fault if it goes wrong. He’s like “yeah, pretty much.”

They have a boring conversation about him needing to go back to work and how she’s okay being the breadwinner for a while. She says “they have the right idea about this stuff” and poor husband is all “about opening up their marriage?” and she’s all “um, no. About money taking away your problems.” Clearly he is thinking about this a lot.

At work poor wife tells her gay friend (who is playing gay like a bunny hopping around) that they had sex for the first time in 3 months last night and then tells him about their friends saying they opened up their marriage.

Gay friend says that “in gay land” gay people have open relationships all the time if you’re attractive enough to be wanted. Gay people know sex is sex, so whatever. I have plenty of gay friends in monogamous relationships but maybe they’re enigmas? She says she wouldn’t want to see her husband having sex with another woman and he’s all “opening things up can strengthen it.”

He says that he and his husband have an open marriage and she’s all YOU DOOO!?!? with such subtlety.

By the way, these are both nurses in a hospital and there is no urgency around them at all. She’s all “but you guys seem to happy and committed!” and he’s all “we are” with sly eyes. He tells her to chat with her friend about it.

Next scene, the ladies are having a drink and talking about their “salacious proposition.” Rich wife is all “when he brought it up I almost slugged him” and poor wife is all “I thought you didn’t fight?” TOUCHE. Rich wife talks about how open they are and they don’t do anything apart so it doesn’t count as cheating (which is covered in their prenup).

Poor wife is afraid their marriage is on shaky ground and that’s not a good way to go into this. True. Good thinking, poor wife. Rich wife says they were on the verge of divorce last year but now look at them! They’re perfect. Poor wife says that she had idea, rich wife is so good at hiding her problems. Rich wife is thrilled at the compliment! Rich wife says that poor wife is her best friend and poor wife is so flattered because she didn’t know they were so close.

Poor husband tells rich husband that he has no sperm count but hasn’t told his wife. That’s messed up. He thinks he’s already been emasculated by his back injury so just keep this secret for him please. To his credit, rich husband says that he has to tell her and that it’s messed up. They kind of talk about opening up (and I predict right now that she’ll get pregnant and husband will know it’s the rich husband’s baby) and ask how it will effect their relationship as friends. Yes, do you want to have sex in the same room as your best friend? That is a very bizarre proposition and not one my friends in successful poly relationships has gone for. Also, if you want to keep emotions out of it don’t choose people that you already love and have had long relationships with.

^^I don’t remember what was happening but these photos kill me^^

I asked Chris if he wants to have sex with his best friend in the room and he asked if they could hold hands so I’ll take that as a yes.

The poor couple gets home to texts from the rich couple asking for a sleepover on Saturday and for some reason they agree to go.

Wide shot of the loft they live in that the poor husband apparently built with his two hands and they may have to sell because they are too poor to keep it:

It’s Saturday! They stand around talking about stupid art as if they know anything about art.

It’s very awkward but then they just start making out AND THEN JUST DO IT RIGHT HERE IN THE ART ROOM. A few feet apart. That escalated quickly.

It’s morning in the rich house and poor husband is nude in the shower. The casting for this part was “WHITE MALE, 30s, ON DISABILITY, 12 PACK ABS, 2% bODY FAT, BAD BACK”

He’s mostly undressed for most scenes. Poor wife is in the tub and clearly icked out by what they’ve done. She asks how he felt and he says he thought it was really hot and could tell she did too. She says she enjoyed it and to drop it (because clearly she didn’t like something about it but won’t say). He claims all men fantasize about banging their friend’s wives. Chris is all #notallmen hahahahaha.

They get a text to meet them in an alley by a door. They go. It’s an underground club where they say “kumquat” to get in and poor wife is all “I didn’t plan on having sex with strangers” but they assure her she can just watch. What a relief!

A bald, black woman in fetish gear opens the door so this movie is doing the thing where assuming one kink means you have THEM ALL and they’re interchangeable and undefined.

It’s weird for a Lifetime Movie to go this far but it’s also very misguided and negative. Like 4 people at this club look like extras from Eyes Wide Shut, some are just ladies in underwear and some look like dudes who auditioned for Twilight. Poor wife doesn’t feel comfortable here but everyone tells her to relax and watch. It’s nice to see her feelings respected by the group.

They go in this room that is like 8×8 and just start doing it again, like that’s not weird or distracting. The camera very smartly never shows a wide shot where you can see how close they all are to each other, just super tight close ups. The poor husband looks angry seeing his wife, like 2 feet away but wakes up and rich husband and poor wife are missing. Was he drugged? He’s acting weird.

Rich wife always wears black lingerie but poor wife always wears white lingerie which is a not so subtle hint about good and evil I think.

They find them in the next room asleep on a couch. In this hot undergound club full of every fetish in town no one else wants these rooms? Husband is pissed! He is all “I thought we were supposed to be together!” and they say they just wanted a more comfortable place to lay down because their backs hurt. This movie is brought to you by the American Back Association.

Poor husband is still pissed the next day and shames his wife for enjoying sex. Wife is all “he has a bad back!” Husband snits that he has a bad back but still earns millions right? Poor wife is all “what? That’s not what I meant.” He says their deal is off because he’s pissed.

The ladies go to lunch and rich wife gives poor wife a fancy dress as a gift “for no reason” which isn’t suspicious at all.

Poor wife says they’re calling off the open deal they had and rich wife gives a stone cold bitch face back and is all “what are you afraid of?” Poor wife says it’s not her, it’s her husband and rich wife is all “oh he’ll come around.” Look at these two who keep saying they’re practically twins:

At home poor husband sits, barely dressed, watching football and drinking beer. He’s all “HEY HEY, RUN, SCORE” and it’s so real.

Poor wife works late to cover for her gay friend so he can go see Lady Gaga and his husband is a poor man’s Anthony Kiedis which entertains Chris to no end.
A SCENE:
Gay guy asks his coworker to cover his shift

But who is that back there in the background?

There he is, poor man’s Anthony Kiedis himself!
They celebrate!

Poor wife looks off longingly while these two guys bounce off to Lady Gaga.

Poor husband watches the game while getting texts from Club Caligula (yes, that’s it’s name and the texts have the location, password and photo of the lady who runs the place so I don’t get how it could be that big of a secret). He sees tonight’s password and is enticed. Commercial.

Oops, somehow he just walked to the club by himself but he whispers to himself that he’s only going to watch so it doesn’t count. Um, yes it does. By the rules you yourself made! I can’t with this.

Again, people in bird masks are there and some lady in red lingerie comes up to him and starts kissing him while he acts paralyzed. He stammers out that he can’t do this and she’s all “then why are you here?” and laughs at him. She just starts unbuttoning his pants because in this movie you say hello, kiss once and then you’ve had sex for 4 seconds. He runs away! Then he lays in bed sweating and looking really guilty.

Poor couple goes for a run and he is struggling. She asks if it’s his back and no girl, it’s his conscience.

He decides now to tell her about him being infertile. I guess that’s one less lie. She asks when he found out and he says a few weeks ago and she’s pissed. She can’t believe he didn’t tell her something this important and let her keep taking fertility drugs (does she think prenatal vitamins are fertility drugs?).

She storms away from his hike and takes their truck. He runs all the way home, which is implied to be far away, and I thought he was injured?

Don’t worry about this couple’s budget, they save a ton of money on shirts.

He gets home to no wife but a positive pregnancy test is in the trash (WHAT DID I TELL YOU!!). She’s not answering her phone. Commercial.

She gets home and it’s totally dark outside and there is a black car parked outside. Poor husband says they need to talk and she says she just wants to go bed and leaves the room. Is that how it works? Chris is like “nope, bring up the pregnancy test!”

Poor wife is doing the dishes in the morning and her wedding ring is off. Husband comes in all lovey dovey until he sees the ring on the counter and falls GRIM. She puts it back on but too late, he’s already grim. In case you were wondering, he’s only wearing underwear for this scene.

She asks if he’s noticed a black sedan parked outside the last few nights and he’s all “don’t be paranoid.” Hahahahaha, what? Who wouldn’t be weirded out by that? Chris keeps tabs on every car outside our house so I don’t know this life.

Their doorbell rings and it’s a flower delivery. She says her gay friend sent them but he doesn’t believe her friend wouldn’t know her favorite flower and she’s all “this is my favorite flower” pointedly. Then she goes to work and is all “one of us has to pay the bills” so oof. The card says “to my one and only.”

I guess they’ll never talk about her being pregnant?

Anyway, the husband get oiled up and puts on some shiny shorts and lifts weights in a graffiti room (gym?) and it’s amazing. Chris is all “is this going to become a gay porn?” and basically yes.

^^ the best extra in the movie is this one trying to keep a straight face while doing arm curls ^^

He’s all “DO NOT SEND MY WIFE FLOWERS!” and rich husband is all “what? I did not do that, that would be weird” and yes, it would be. They sit and have an oiled up, muscle-y chat. Men are so sensitive. He says that he finally told his wife about being infertile and rich husband is glad he did. Rich wife pops in, also oiled up, in tiny workout clothes and they joke about how she hasn’t worked out since someone forced her in college and we’re like YEAHHHHH RIGHT she has a full six pack.

Look at this woman! Oh my god, it’s just natural to have cut muscles everywhere. Shut up. Then again, these dudes also supposedly have bad backs and barely work out. My eyes are permanently rolling. Poor husband says “we opened our marriage to escape from our problems but it didn’t work” and my eyes, they’re saying a lot right now.

Rich wife is all weird and crazy eyes and says they had the hottest sex really loud in this bizarre gym and her husband is all “cool it.”

Now poor husband is watching Nascar and calling his wife at the hospital. She’s not there, SURPRISE! Gay friend both busts her and says he didn’t send her flowers. Double surprise!

Poor wife is at Club Caligula alone. She also sees a lady standing in a white mask and white lingerie (that her husband saw) but she looks icked out. Then rich husband shows up all “I MISS YOU!” and she says she only came here to tell him that it’s over. He’s all, the four of us are over, but you and I can keep going. So, he’s totally up for an affair now? That was fast. She reveals her pregnancy and how all the weirdness can be over. Rich husband is so thrilled that he suddenly accepts being dumped. She asks him not to send flowers anymore and again, he’s like “what? I didn’t do that” and she’s confused.

At home poor husband says he was worried about her. She’s all “I was just working.” He says that he called the hospital and she wasn’t there and she’s all “YOU’RE SPYING ON ME??” and what? Chris says calling your wife at work is not spying. True, agreed. Glad we’re on the same page. Finally he brings up her pregnancy test and she lies that she hadn’t told him because she was afraid something would happen and she didn’t want to get his hopes up. He’s all “do you really think it’s mine?” and she’s all “of course, you beat the odds!” He’s very stupid if he believes that but she says that they always used protection because that was in the rules (that were said off camera I guess?).

They’re at rich wife’s birthday party in matching dresses that I know are on Rent the Runway because my friend rented it for an award’s show last year- it’s a great dress.

Rich husband is all “you look great” to poor wife and she’s all “I look just like your wife so of course you think that.” Okay, please drop the jokes about how these two women are practically twins. One is like a foot taller! He says now he gets why his wife had him buy two of these dresses. Anyway, rich husband says he’s worried that his wife is obsessed with poor husband. Poor wife says “she’s had a thing for him since college, you can’t be too surprised” and holy shit, if that’s true then them opening their marriage with this couple was THE WORST idea ever. Poor wife is joking about this like it’s no big thing.

At work poor wife is telling her gay friend that she’s pretty sure the baby is not her husband’s (I knew she was lying!). The nurse says that she needs a prenatal DNA test and she says insurance won’t cover that. He has an ex who will do it for free. He jokes about how she doesn’t watch enough crime shows (she needs to get some of her husband’s DNA and thinks it will be too hard,my eyes are still rolling).

She really does sneak around at night looking for an envelope he licked once like she’s a ninja. Just get some hair out of a brush, jeez.

In the morning he’s making breakfast and she’s all “up early and making breakfast, ooooh” and he says that he’s always liked how observant she is but he says it kind of meanly. He reveals that he fixed the cabinet door AND booked some job at a community center and his company was mentioned in some press release and though work has not even started yet he says she can just not work now and they can keep this loft and raise their family there.

Wow! Everything has really worked out perfectly for them.

The doorbell rings and it’s a weird old Addam’s Family crib with a creepy baby inside.

She lies and says she hasn’t told anyone she’s pregnant. Finally, poor husband admits that this IS weird and maybe someone IS spying on them. They stand and hold each other.

Gay friend takes her blood that she apparently took herself and her husband’s DNA and takes off with them. Gay nurse always has a stethoscope around his neck so you know he means business.

Poor couple and rich couple hangs out like old times so it’s nice that they were able to not let opening the marriage hurt their friendship.

Oops, I spoke too soon because they get a text of poor husband making out with that lady at the club. Poor wife is UPSET. The rich couple is uncomfortable and tries to leave so they can fight alone but they don’t let them.

Ooops, the mayor got this text also? And now he’s fired from the job he never started. WHAT?!?!

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These texts have gone viral? What? I’m so confused about how this club operates. Poor wife – “so just like that we’re back in the poor house?!?”

New text and of course it’s poor wife and rich husband at the club without the other two. Poor wife goes off “I’M SO SICK OF THE LIES (that I’ve also been telling)” It’s so bizarre. You’re also a liar! Rich husband asks them to leave because this is so shitty. Rich wife says that she thought poor wife was a true friend but she was wrong. This dinner is over.

Poor husband managed to find some pants this morning but they’re fighting. He doesn’t let the mood effect showing off his upper body.

In fact, he runs to the bench press to life weights angrily.

Gay friend is all “how was dinner?” and she says “don’t ask.” He has her paternity test and it’s intercut with angry weight lifting for dramatic effect. She doesn’t open it (LAME).

Poor wife gets a text from her former friend rich wife asking to meet at her place after work. That black car is outside when poor wife gets home but no one appears to be inside it. She goes inside and it’s dark and of course, she doesn’t even try to turn on a light. She finds her husband tied up and rich wife in her white lingerie (so she HAS been at the club every night) and a gun and is all “I’m the one keeping an eye on you” while she shoots at the ceiling.

Rich husband comes in all “what’s going on?” and she’s holding a smoking gun, literally and he comes in with the understatement of the year with “obviously you’re upset.” She makes them all strip to their underwear (and has poor wife put on matching lingerie), except poor husband, who was probably already in his underwear when she arrived. Rich husband is all “you’re not in your right mind so you can’t trust your judgment right now.” He’s so calm under pressure!

Rich wife reveals that she sent out those photos from “the Caligula app.” Ummm, how underground can this club be?? It has an app! Rich husband is so pissed that she’d cost poor husband his job like that and it’s kind of sweet that he’s so bugged by this considering she’s threatening to kill them all right now.

TWIST! She’s not obsessed with poor husband, she’s obsessed with poor wife and has always wanted to share everything with her. Poor wife plays along and is all “this DOES remind me of all the great times we’ve spent together.” The men just flex and nod. Poor wife says that she needs to untie poor husband because he’s hogging the bed and she’s stupid so she does. She literally has her husband and poor wife lay shoulder to shoulder with them to start doing it. What? She wants to look her friend in the eye and say she loves her while she bangs her husband? This movie is bananas.

Rich Wife- “I love you”
Poor Wife- “I love you, too”
Poor wife smashes her over the head with a that clock shown in half the scenes and she’s either knocked out or dead

Next scene, the police saying bye so I guess they don’t have to go downtown or anything? Poor husband found a shirt to put on, news at 11!

While sitting here crying, poor wife decides to open the paternity test and they sob because he’s actually the father. She says “I knew it!” and Chris says “no you didn’t!” She definitely didn’t.

That’s how it ends.

Chris is livid that we don’t know if she’s dead or where her husband is, will poor wife be arrested for murder? Does a sex square absolve you of murder (omg, he just said sex square and I’m dying).

Now that that movie is over I’m going through all the photos Chris took and there are almost 400 that I have to go through and edit down to 60ish and I’m going to kill him. Do you think I should open up our marriage to get through this? That’s how it works, right?