Kristin’s Christmas Past

Chadd and Carla came over to find a tv Christmas movie to watch before we pack up our tv for the move.

We’ve chosen Kristin’s Christmas Past starring Shiri Appleby from Roswell as a “smart, sassy 30 year old woman” (says the guide). Time travel and Christmas will be present. Rayanne from My So Called Life is in this so Chadd and Carla are psyched. A girl who may or may not have a show on the Disney Channel could also be in this (there is some debate as to whether this is the correct spelling of her name).

Wondering what Judd Nelson has been up to since Veronica’s Closet got canceled? You guessed it, he’s in this too! (Chadd says he’s in a bunch of horror movies now too but whatever)

The movie opens in NYC, you can tell from the stock footage of Rockefeller Center and the Empire State Building.

Shiri Appleby is all fancy in a trench coat in the hustling, bustling city of New York. A very popular trope of these movies is a high powered business person in NYC learns to slow down and smell the roses so this could be setting up that. She is somehow rich enough that she has a driver who picks her up to go places with a driver she’s all “hey Andrew!” to.

She and two friends (one male, one female) are in the car going to a party and she seems annoyed that her friend Jamie (male) brought this annoying lady who is constantly frowning. The lady is all “your boots are… interesting” glancing at her stiletto boots so she informs her that this is a costume party and the theme is “christmas past.” Jamie knows because he wore a shirt for some band that she gave him in high school. She’s all “I can’t even remember what you gave me last year but you remember what I gave you in high school.” RUDE. He reminds her that the gift he gave her last year was paying off her student loans. THAT IS CRAZY. His lady friend is aghast and even though she is annoying she’s not wrong here.

They arrive at a holiday party where she pops off her trench coat to reveal some santa’s workshop-esque lingerie. She’s ready to party! Her friends cast a lot of shade on her. Why are they so anti these party clothes? If these two ever went to a Halloween party they’d die.

We all agree that our friend Rosanne resembles Shiri and that is a compliment.

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She lays across a barely dressed santa with her boots and fishnets but her friends are still grumps about it. They ruin her sexy photo by calling her slutty as the photo is being taken. Sad trombone.

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This frowning friend is all “looks like no one else knows it’s a costume party either” and Shiri is pissed. It’s a very Bridget Jones moment but everyone is in party clothes and she’s not naked so it’s not that crazy, she pretty much blends in. She claims this person wants her job and set her up on purpose but it makes no sense and will probably never come up again.

She dances like crazy all over this party and man is she sassy. Chadd and Carla thinks this guy is her boyfriend and he’s about to dump her but we’re not sure they’re a couple. I think his girlfriend is the lady with the sourpuss face.

They’re walking down the street and she’s drunk and she’s all “at least I have you!” but he’s all “wait, about that…” and she goes into a bodega to get more delicious booze juice. She casually mentions that she hasn’t even spoken to her parents in 17 years so I guess something really heavy went down back then. She then proceeds to walk into the most unrealistic bodega of all time where an Indian man in a reindeer sweater is waiting in a Pier One Christmas shop masquerading as a bodega.

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It becomes clear that this guy is her friend and that he’s moving away tomorrow but never told her because that’s how best friends are. She’s so upset but he just kind of leaves her in there with her booze. WAIT- he’s just going to visit his parents for Christmas and introduce them to his girlfriend, the sourpuss face (I was right!). HE’LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK! She’s freaking out because he’s leaving for a week. Good lord.

The magical Indian man gives her a special bottle of champagne and winks at her on the way out so I’m guessing it opens the portal to the past. SUBTLE.

She goes home and there is a Christmas card from her parents that has a polaroid picture in it and she tosses it aside with a frown. It does appear that her parents have tried to keep in touch with her…

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She opens the gift from Jamie and it’s an iPod full of music. Man, he is a very fancy gift giver. She hits play and music just starts playing out loud which isn’t possible with an iPod so maybe it’s a phone? I don’t know man.

She falls asleep with her old, yellow cat and wakes up… with a young yellow kitten. Again with the subtlety.

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She is sleeping next to her 17 year old self and they open their eyes and scream Who Framed Roger Rabbit style (line courtesy of Chadd).

They freak out for a while and Chadd thinks about how much he’d lie to the teenage version of himself to impress them. Chadd is fancier than I realized. She’s all “how could you be me?? You’re old and you’re dressed like a santa stripper!”

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Old Kristin says that she’s only 34 and that’s not old. (Nice job getting that detail in the guide wrong, stupid guide).

Young Kristin grabs for the closest 90s prop she can find and comes up with this:

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After a little while of saying facts about their life the Young Kristin believes her pretty easily and they come up with a lie for the family so that she can stay with them. Tah-dah, she’s now her admissions advisor from NYU.

An excellent detail is that Young Kristin is making everyone call her “Krys” with a Y and Old Kristin tells her she ditches that a week into college- “NEVER! I love Krys with a Y!” Young Kristin argues. Hahaha, teenagers are so annoying.

There is some back and forth about what size she is (because she doesn’t want to admit to her young self that she’s let herself go and become a size 8, eye roll) but she’s the same size as her mom now so Young Kristin goes and takes some clothes out of her closet for Old Kristin to wear.

Old Kristin comes over as if she’s a stranger and her own mom (Juliet from LOST) doesn’t recognize her somehow. Wouldn’t a mom know? I’ve looked the same since I was a baby so I can’t imagine anyone not recognizing me. Carla is the same. What gives, tv mom? She’s only a little confused about this stranger visiting them on Christmas Eve and invites her to spend Christmas with them.

Young Kristin mentions her boyfriend, Maverick, and Old Kristin has a flash to Maverick being a total asshole. She does say NYU is a great school even if you go there for a guy who may not work out… weird thing to say but okay.

Then Rayanne walks in and Old Kristin is THRILLED which makes me wonder if she died in the last 17 years and now I’m sad. She is her aunt Debbie. Aunt Debbie is confused about this enthusiastic welcome from a stranger.

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Judd Nelson is her dad and he has a goatee. Mom wants to go shopping with the Kristins and Young Kristin wants Maverick to come. That sounds incredibly boring and her dad calls him Morris which makes her so mad.

Old Kristin has a realization that this is Christmas from 1996 when she was an asshole and left and never saw her family again and so she tells everyone she has tourettes and grabs Young Kristin to tell her about this. I guess this night is the reason she hasn’t spoken to her parents for 17 years? Young Kristin doesn’t get it because she’d never do that. In an interesting twist Old K tells Young K that Maverick (her shitty teenaged boyfriend) sucks and is going to lie to her and dump her and she’s all “ugh, you’re just an adult and you’re wrong!” So she knows that this is her from the future and yet she still doesn’t believe her.

Chadd thinks that he would be more willing to believe that adult version of himself and I agree. Young Kristin doesn’t want to hear it though, she literally puts her fingers into her ears.

They do have a moment where they talk about how great New York is and how much she’ll love it there and Old Kristin pulls out her iPhone and Young Kristin is all “IS THAT A PHONE?!?!” and Old Kristin is all “yeah, p much” like it’s not a crazy big deal that she just pulled out of her pocket like it’s nothing.

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Young Kristin thinks that Old Jamie is cute and Old Kristin looks confused by that because she doesn’t see it. Mom comes in and tells Young Kristin to change out of her tiny dress because it looks like underwear. Young Kristin fumes to her old self “as long as I never have to speak to that woman again, I’ll be stoked!”

They’re shopping in a thrift store and mom asks Old Kristin what she does and she’s a music producer. Mom is pretty rude and says “more of an assistant then?” and she corrects “no, I’m a producer.” Mom then continues that she thinks Young Kristin could go to law school but do music producing on the side as a hobby since it’s not a real job. Young Kristin rolls her eyes a lot.

Mom is horrified that her daughter wants to try on used clothing and this leads to Old Kristin actually have a heart to heart with her mom about why used clothes bother her much. It only took pretending to be someone else to learn to like her mom more for a second. Her mom died when she was a teenager and she had to donate her racks of clothing and so she thinks of used clothes as sad, dead people clothes. She has always regretted not keeping her pearls.

Old Kristin finds a black and white dress to try on and Young Kristin is horrified that old her likes such 50s styles.

Young Kristin and mom fight because she wants to leave right after Christmas dinner to spend the evening with Maverick and hahahahahah just imagining telling my dad that. It wouldn’t have been a fight because I would never have asked this.

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(^^ I like Young Kristin’s dress- where is it from? Don’t say “the 90s”)

She says Maverick thinks her mom is jealous of their connection (ew) and mom says that she’s not jealous but she’s concerned that he takes money from his teenaged girlfriend (double ew). She says she’ll only be gone for like an hour and Old Kristin backs up mom but this just fuels the teenager tantrum.

Old Kristin meets Young Jamie and is all a flutter over him.

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Jamie really feels like he’s met her before. Jamie is more aware than her parents are. She appears to be flirting heavily with this teenaged boy.

Maverick shows up and he’s SO GROSS. It’s hilarious. He’s a classically gross high school boy who only a teenaged girl could be blinded by. Woof. They are all kissy face right in front of the whole room.

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Kristin invites him for dinner and her mom says they don’t have room. I mean, she did also invite this stranger and also her friend Jamie so she is pushing it. She offers to just go hang out in her room with her boyfriend for an hour and somehow mom mysteriously agrees to that.

She literally just leaves the room that has her mom, her dad, her aunt, her best friend and her college advisor in it to go upstairs to her room and make out with her boyfriend. I cannot imagine doing something like when I was a teenager… or now… or ever. How effing rude. Chadd now finds this girl incredibly cool.

Old Kristin and the teenaged version of her best friend Jamie hang out and they chat and laugh and I think these two are meant to be. I mean old her and 18 year old Jamie of course. They’ve got something. Cougar him up! He’s waited 17 years for you, he deserves it.

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Young Jamie drops the bomb that Maverick has other girlfriends and that everyone knows. She wants to get him caught and in this exchange she lets a lot of details slip about Jamie that weird him out- my favorite is knowing that he’s a hacker. I guess that’s what he grew up to be? I want to watch THAT movie.

Chadd watched Hackers for the first time last week and relates that it’s still terrible in case you were wondering.

Old Kristin busts in on them making out and makes up some nonsense excuse to get them out of the room. Old Kristin even “accidentally” slaps Maverick and says that it “felt great.” No one thinks that’s weird. Maverick seems pretty into it.

Jamie goes into the room once it’s empty and goes into whatever chatroom Maverick goes to and uses “keystroke encryption” to figure out his password. None of this is possible in 1996 but whatever. Hacking scene!

Maverick, meanwhile, hits on Old Kristin because he’s so super gross. Young Kristin comes outside and he walks up and she mounts him right in front of her house and they make out hardcore. WTF.

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Chadd says that he’d love to see teenaged him make out so please note that he’s a weirdo. If you’re keeping track, I’d hate to see such a thing.

Somehow they’re now making out in the bathroom and he’s telling her how much she’ll love New York while also saying she can live with him but obviously lying. HOW DID THEY GET FROM THE FRONT WALK TO INSIDE THE BATHROOM SO FAST??

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They want to get back into the bedroom to make out some more but Old Kristin makes something up since Jamie is in there doing his hacking. So they just stand in the hallway and makeout right in front of Old Kristin like it’s not weird at all.

Mom asks if someone is on the phone because I’m sure Jamie’s 1996 hacking is tying up on the phone line. Young Kristin thinks that Old Kristin is trying to make sure that she gets to run away to NYC with Maverick and she lies and says that’s it. Young Kristin is so psyched because she believes that. Old Kristin looks crazy in front of the mom some more. Same ol’.

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Mom wishes Maverick a Merry Christmas and he’s all “I’m Jewish.” Chris finds this picture of Maverick from the future.
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Young Kristin wants to wear a floral minidress to midnight mass and Old Kristin tells her that will never fly. She asks if she can pluck young her’s eyebrows so she does and Young Kristin says that she should wear less miniskirts at 34. Nothing like being slutshamed by your younger self. Old Kristin tells her to promise to listen to her tonight and she doesn’t exactly promise but they have a moment.

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Young Kristin wears a dress to dinner that her mother loves and everyone is shocked. They take a family polaroid and inexplicably put Old Kristin in it (this is the photo that was in her Christmas card at the beginning of the movie).

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Mom asks Old Kristin about her family and it’s awkward. Mom also asks if people gave up getting married in New York City. Subtle, mom. Rayanne is psyched to have another single lady at the table.

Young Kristin says that when she goes to NYC she’ll be taking the cat with her but mom informs her that IF she goes she’ll be going alone. Old Kristin is confused because she thought going to NYU was already decided. Mom has decided to rethink the whole thing. Young Kristin, so naive, thinks that Maverick will be there to help her and be her support system in New York. Sigh.

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The parents drop the bomb that if she goes to NYU she’ll be on her own financially and it’s an uncool moment. If she goes to a local school they’ll pay for it. She cries and is pissed off… DING the doorbell rings.

At the door is the star of a show on the Disney Channel that Chadd and Carla watch and she’s there to see her boyfriend Maverick. Dad says “well, that was illuminating.”

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The girl is very sweet, nice to everyone, and totally confused as to why this other girl starts crying. I feel bad for this girl. She gives a meek “Merry Christmas?” as they shut the door on her.

She, of course, lashes out at her mom over this instead of admitting that Maverick fucking sucks. Old Kristin jumps in to say that she did this and not her mom. No one in this family seems shocked that the college advisor spending Christmas with them set a hacking trap to get Maverick’s other girlfriend to show up at their house on Christmas Eve.

The two Kristins have it out outside because Young Kristin just realized that Old Kristin doesn’t think she should end up with Maverick. SHE LOVES HIM!! And her life turned out great, she’s cool and producing music in New York so why change things?! Old Kristin has to admit that her life kind of sucks, she has no one to even spend Christmas with and the music industry is dying (and she’s been dumped by another investment banker who wants someone thinner and tons of credit card debt). The music industry one confuses Young Kristin most. Young Kristin still gives no shits that her true love is a cheater and stomps off.

Old Kristin walks in on dad casually reading a 2000 page book.

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She talks to dad about NYU being a good school. He asks if her parents paid and she admits they did not and he says that she made it work and so will Kristin. She says that it was really hard and he says that builds character. He brings up her accidentally calling him dad earlier but she brushes it off and he goes back to his book like sure, this all makes sense still.

There is much more chemistry between Juliet from LOST and Rayanne than there is between Judd Nelson and anyone in the world.

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They’re sisters though so don’t get any ideas! They just sit here and chat about life and love and how Jamie has always had a crush on Kristin and laugh. Old Kristin JUST NOW GETS IT.

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Sigh, 17 years later and she still didn’t get it. They just talk about all this stuff in front of a total stranger. Jamie got into Stanford and somewhere else but he’s waiting to find out where Kristin goes so he can go there too. That’s kind of pathetic, get it together Jamie.

There is a very small reveal that Rayanne is sick so I was totally right to be sad before. Old Kristin also JUST NOW GETS that her family didn’t want her to leave because the aunt who she is very close to is dying. Man, teenagers are truly so self centered.

So remember this girl hasn’t spoken to her family in 17 years so I assume that means she missed her aunt’s funeral and all this crap because she chose to go to NYU. That’s such a thin reason. I can’t imagine this being a thing 17 years later. Pick up a phone, any of you. Jeez.

She gives her mom a present that is totally weird when you know it’s from a stranger- the pearls she wishes she had kept from when her mom died. Then they cheers to family. What?

Mom finds Young Kristin before church and Young Kristin inexplicably admits that Maverick sucks and they hug.

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Young Kristin and Jamie do something called Bell Choir and since I’m not into church I’ve never heard of it. It’s not choir though, not at all. All those times they mentioned choir practice were very misleading.

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Maverick shows up to church on his motorcycle in true bad boy style. Mom and Old Kristin tell her to ignore him but she wants to give him a chance to explain. She and mom have a fight where mom tells her she’s useless and can’t even go to the grocery store by herself so she can never make it in NYC by herself. That was shitty but she also says “teenagers think no one understands them but we do, we all understand, we’re just sick of listening to you whine about it.” HAHAHAHAHAH- TRUTH. The other stuff is very harsh and Young Kristin says that as soon as she graduates she’ll never come back.

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Mom doesn’t believe her. She leaves on Maverick’s motorcycle. Juliet plays this just like she did on LOST and keeps very calm and reserved in every scene.

In this exchange not once do you hear mom mention her aunt being sick and that being a valid reason to stay close to home. Also, Young Kristin was told by Old Kristin that she hasn’t spoken to her parents in 17 years and she was SHOCKED but in every fight she’s all “I can’t wait to never speak to them again.”

Old Kristin goes to some tree on a hill where she sees Jamie every Christmas eve. She tells him she’s Old Kristin and he asks her some questions and then believes her.

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She knows all of these super specific things about him (which is weird since in the beginning of the movie she couldn’t remember anything about Jamie or gifts she’s given him in the past). He asks if they’re together in the future and she breaks his heart by telling him no. He’s so sad. I think young him is about to make a move. Chadd is on board with the romance between these two. He grabs her hand and we’re all “KISS KISS” but they don’t. What a shame. He says that if she calls him he’ll be there and somehow he’ll know that she’s ready to love him then? I don’t know. It doesn’t make any sense.

Young Jamie asks if he turns out okay in the future- does he ever get his own car? It turns out her has some super successful video game app (in addition to hacking) by 30 and is mega rich. This explains why he could pay off her student loans as a gift. He’s psyched that he at least has that to look forward to since his love life is a big dud.

She gives him his gift and it’s the shirt he wore to the party at the beginning. It’s for a band called Pond Scum and he made her his traditional Christmas mixtape.

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She leans in towards his face and we all get excited again… but she just kisses him on the cheek and stares deeply into his eyes and smirks a little. What a future tease!

Chadd feels so bad for this kid and his, no doubt, huge boner at this point. He has to ride his bike home somehow. Chris is all “why aren’t you typing??” as they go on and on about this poor kid’s boner.

Rayanne is laying under the Christmas tree and Old Kristin joins her under there which is weird for a stranger to do but, as usual, no one seems to notice.

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She goes to Kristin’s room to listen to the mixtape and sit under her poster of the Eiffel Tower that says OUI OUI on it (that delights Chadd to no end).

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She also has a boombox, a poster for a generic ladies of rock tour ’95, peace sign curtains and peace sign pillows. Is that all it takes to make a place look 90s?

Young Kristin is all “HE SAYS HE LOVES ME!” when she comes in and it’s like “duh, of course he said that” but whatevers. They agree that she’s given up trying to make anything better. Young Kristin found some champagne under the tree with a note that says Merry Christmas and it’s the champagne from the magical bodega.

Chris says- I hope we find out she ended up with Maverick.

They fall asleep chatting. No one thinks it’s weird that her college advisor is sleeping her bed with her? Okay. Old Kristin drinks a sip of the magical champagne before dozing off.

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She wakes up in her studio apartment on the couch with the old cat. In the family photo from the beginning she’s not in it anymore.

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She’s all “it was all a dream.” But then her phone tells her it’s Christmas Eve and she gets an idea- she leaves Jamie a message and says she’s coming home today.

She goes downstairs and the driver is just there to take her to the airport. Carla wonders if that guy just sits there waiting for her to need a ride. And also, it’s Jamie’s driver, right? Knowing what we know now she can’t have her own personal driver.

There is a shot of flying through the clouds as if we’re about to take off on Soarin’ over California but then it quickly ends. It was weird.

She gets home and Jamie saunters down like he’s been waiting outside her parent’s house for hours. Chadd- he had to practice his sexy stair walk for a while.

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Fair enough, he totally nails the slow walk down the stairs and kisses her so I guess her message of “I’m coming home” told him enough to FINALLY KISS HER AFTER 17+ YEARS. It was obvious somehow?

They brush past this huge thing, this kiss that he’s been waiting to have since he was probably 15 and she rings her parent’s doorbell and has this other big thing happen. Talk about an emotionally strange day. Mom answers the door, wearing those pearls (!!) and Kristin is all “I’m home.”

ROLL CREDITS. There you have it, wrapped up with a bow.

The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story.

Pretty much everyone who knows me knows how obsessed I was with 90210 from the time it premiered until I left for college. In college it was so lame but of course I watched it with my roommates and I remember watching the last episode with our friends at their place as Donna walked down the aisle. I had the Spring Dance episode taped and watched it maybe 15 times before the next season started.

When I was 13-14 I maybe read 4 unauthorized books about this show and had my walls wallpapered with Teen Beat and Bop! centerfolds of Luke Perry (never Brandon, yuck). I currently own a few more and I have seen every episode. THIS MOVIE WAS MADE FOR ME. I’m so ready for it.
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The Murder Pact.

Oooh, a movie about rich kids at an Ivy League University who think someone is implicating them in a murder so they plot to murder her. That’ll show her who the murderer is! Oh wait, that would make them definitely guilty of at least one murder and also probably more implicated in the first one. What could go wrong?

IMDB says that people who like this also enjoyed “The Bride He Bought Online.” Yikes.

The Murder Pact.
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The Bride he Bought Online.

I’ve been meaning to do a Lifetime Movie for a while but I’ve been working two jobs so I had no time. And then Chris recorded every old basketball game ever so the DVR erased my movies. I found this one on demand so I’m going for it despite Teresa telling me it’s crazy. It’s happening. Then we get married next weekend. No big deal.

It starts off looking very scary with a car driving in an alley and the sounds of a lady struggling. Yeah, she’s taped up inside his trunk.

THE MOVIE OPENS.

It’s filmed really weirdly with cars zooming in and then everything pausing while a narrator describes her hot, cool lady friends.

Kaley:

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Mandy:

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The narrator is named Avery and she’s the one who keeps these two in line, or so she claims.

Chris thinks this movie is trying to look like Clueless and if that’s true it’s failing miserably. At school the kids drive their teacher mad with electronic sounds. They laugh and laugh while Mandy records him very openly on her phone for their hilarious blog.

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Then the girls are hanging out and for some reason the blonde immediately says “check out this site- beautiful and lovely brides.com” as teen girls do.

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They read the profiles and laugh and laugh. Man, these girls are so cool and funny. They are shocked by how many men can’t find women who will actually talk to them- Mandy says they should feel bad for these girls because they don’t know what they’re getting into. She’s correct but also hasn’t heard about how many of these things scam sad, lonely people out of their money. The blonde’s butt cheeks are completely hanging out of her shorts in this scene.

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^ haha, not the shorts photo!

The blonde one drops the bomb that she created a fake profile on the website in order to trap some sad, lonely men and put it up on their blog that is VERY popular. The most annoying thing about their really cool and very popular blog is that no one knows they do it* but man, once people realize it’s them they’re going to be so popular. They’re counting on it! They finish the profile. *remember this later.

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Some guy sits alone in a blue room already taken with this profile. Meanwhile, a guy knocks on his door looking for a prostitute but he has to tell the dude that the prostitute lives across the street but he looks so pained telling him that for some reason and we see his pained face for like 30 solid seconds so it must be important and foreshadowing something.

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The girls sit around exchanging gifts because they’re such close friends they just exchange gifts all the time in their pajamas. They get a reply to their profile and mock what a loser this guy is- a computer programmer?? How gross! What a geek. They giggle and giggle but Avery seems bored by it all because she’s the mature friend, remember. They respond to him and I can already envision their future episode of Catfish.

His profile photos are pretty normal and he looks like a regular guy.

They message and message and it just scrolls across the screen like a much less well made version of Catfish.

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He makes really weird faces while messaging.

In case it’s unclear at this point- this movie is really terrible. Not funny terrible, just very broad overacting and characters that are already confusing and in the guy’s house nothing is white balanced. Just wanted to clarify!

Then he plucks out a very very bad and slow version of Beethoven’s Ode to Joy on guitar for her. In the messaging Kaley is pretending she can’t speak english which is pretty gross. He pulls his car over while driving to read new messages from her.

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Meanwhile, the teacher catches Kaley on the phone and takes it away from her so I guess she won’t be faux flirting anymore today.

Avery tries to tell her that she spends too much time working on the blog but Kaley doesn’t want to stop- it’s her THING, jeez Avery.

At a bar the dude from the blue room tells his friend that he has a girlfriend now but she’s too busy to hang out right now. The friend is a nerdy Asian guy who is legitimately thrilled for his friend. He shows a picture of her and the friend is very impressed and says he should bring her to the company party.

The prostitute from across the street comes over to remind Johnny (the main guy is named Johnny) that she got a package for him by accident and he never came to pick it up- why not bring it over? It’s a small box. He goes over there and she is SUPER AGRESSIVE about seducing him while he looks terrified.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, prostitutes don’t fool you into entering their homes and then pounce on you. You know, innocent men just walking around TRYING to ignore the prostitutes everywhere but they end up tricked into going to them- that’s the classic tale of prostitutes. EYE ROLL.

Meanwhile, at home he’s messaging his girlfriend about coming to visit to go to his office party with him and might send them $830+$600 to make this happen. Kaley is all “this will make us the most popular website in the country!” What? It will? How?

“This movie is already terrible”- Chris.

Chris thinks that he already sent the money but I have no idea. He throws out his girly mags because he has a girlfriend coming to visit now so he’s cleaning up I guess. He keeps staring across the street at the prostitute who is just sitting in her window staring back at him.

He’s at the airport so I guess that was fast and she’s already flying in from the Philippines.

The girls are also at the airport but they don’t seem to know why they’re there. Then Kaley points out Johnny is there to meet his bride “Diwata” and both Mandy and Avery tell her she’s being shitty and this is mean (but Mandy seemed to know it was happening). They didn’t realize that she told him she was on a flight right now. She is all “THIS WILL BE SO GREAT FOR THE BLOG!” They both tell her she sucks but she’s all “I didn’t come this far to let you guys get in my way” and so Mandy one walks over and starts taping him waiting with flowers and a sign on her phone.

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Avery tells Kaley she’s being very shitty and the blonde says she’s doing this on behalf of “all the women on that site” because he’s gross and no one would even kiss him but he thinks he deserves to buy some lady who looks like a model. Avery says that she’s become obsessed with the blog and isn’t a nice person anymore. Kaley “Well my 3,238 followers disagree” like she’s the person who started Facebook or something. This site gets way more hits than that in a month and I think I’m going to start bringing up those numbers any time anyone doesn’t agree with me- well, my 3000 readers beg to differ!

Avery leaves in a cab because she’s pissed. Mandy asks what’s going on and they leave while Johnny is standing there looking very confused- but he does notice them arguing loudly at some point.

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Avery’s mom wonders why she took a cab home and she says she and Kaley got into a fight about a blog and her mom pretends to care.

Johnny is at home freaking out and smashing his flowers and sweating.

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Then he has an epiphany and goes into full Catfish mode. He finds the real picture belongs to someone who died in 2010. WHAT!

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Then he does some of his computer programming to find some computery code info that leads him to none other than… KALEY! Who he remembers being annoying at the airport.

And then he finds her super popular blog where the new post is up- “Dork Finds Out Internet Bride is Fake!” He’s rightfully hurt and angry.

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*Okay, sidenote- remember when they were all “too bad no one knows it’s our blog” but then we see the blog and its header is full color pictures of their faces? How do people not know? Most of their “pranks” take place at their school so I assume people who go to their school are the main people reading it.

Now he’s webstalking all three friends over Facebook and using the fake foursquare to track where they’re going via check ins.

Avery looks really cool at a skate park where everyone is doing lame tricks- Chris is HORRIFIED by the quality of skating in the background.

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^^Look at her ridiculous skate park look

Mandy apologizes about the prank going too far and Avery asks why she went along with her? Mandy says she’s the reason they’re popular and “it’s hard being the fat kid who brings kim chi in her lunch.” Please tell me she’s talking about her past and that we’re not supposed to think that she’s currently a “fat kid.”

Johnny is there watching Avery and Mandy chat, looking more and more annoyed. Avery tells her that this blog isn’t going to make them famous.

Johnny is at home and some guy named Nick comes over and it’s very awkward like they’ve never met before.

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Nick says it’s going to be $200 and he gets paid. He starts getting undressed. Johnny is all “I’m not gay” and this pro has heard that before but says that’s okay. He says he wants to play a joke on his niece. What kind of joke do you play on your niece that requires a male prostitute?

Kaley apologizes for the “whole airport thing” and says their friendship is more important than the stupid blog. In the background we see the gay hustler Nick walk in and start chatting them up.

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Haley falls for it completely because of his arms.

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Mandy gives him her number too and Kaley shoots her some side eye. Kaley then says “Avery is having a party this weekend! You should come!” but Avery is not having a party this weekend. She keeps telling them this but something tells me they’re not listening.

Nick gets in to Johnny’s car and gives him the phones with the numbers on it.

Next scene, Johnny is texting with Kaley as if he’s Nick and the tables have officially turned. She’s so excited that he’ll be coming to her party on Saturday.

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At Avery’s they eat chips and talk about playing a joke for the blog tonight at the party- but Kaley promises a nice one this time. Avery is still saying there isn’t a party but come on, there is booze and chips and obviously a party is happening. She says “as long as the joke isn’t on Trevor” who may be her boyfriend? Whoever he is, he thinks Kaley sucks and I’m starting to think Trevor is the most reasonable person in this movie.

As time goes on Johnny seems to be sleeping less and less and looking more and more like a hobo. He finds a gun and a some string and stuff and packs it into his duffle bag because this is the day he’s apparently been waiting for his whole life.

They’re at this party, which is clearly happening, but very verrrrry quietly and Kaley is pissed because Nick never showed. Avery tells her to text him but she doesn’t want to look desperate. She then texts him though so I guess she got over that- and he asks her to meet him at the skate park. Mandy tells her not to go because she doesn’t even know this guy and he could be a rapist or murderer- “You can’t rape the willing!” she giggles. #ugh #nope #shutup

She convinces Mandy to leave with her and Johnny watches them leave and then follows them to Skate Lab.

They walk in and despite it not closing for 10 minutes it’s completely dark and deserted and weird. Mandy says that she thinks someone may be playing a joke on her and walks out to wait in the car. Kaley waits around for some reason.

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While Mandy is outside waiting at the car Johnny walks up and beans her with something and drags her back to his car. Kaley gets back to her car and is confused about where Mandy is. She texts her and meanwhile a security guard drives up all “the skate park is closed” so great going on the whole not noticing a kidnapping thing that just happened. Mandy texts back that she went home.

She chirps “you can get back to your donut now” as the security guard drives off. SWEET BURN.

At Avery’s party she gets a call from a neighbor who is annoyed about the noise despite this being a very quiet party so she kicks everyone out. Kaley gets back and wonders where Mandy is and then is super annoyed because she assumes that Mandy went home with Nick because she’s “such a bitch” anyway.

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You are such a great friend, Kaley!

Kaley asks where Trevor is and he’s passed out in Avery’s bed. She’s all “don’t worry, I’ll kick him out” despite no one asking her to. She goes in and pours water down Trevor’s crotch and then takes pictures like he wet his pants and laughs. He wakes up angry- surprise! Avery says that Kaley doesn’t even understand what she did wrong in the first place so she doesn’t want to be friends with her anymore- she doesn’t understand that she’s become a shitty person. Kaley is all “great because I don’t want to be friends with you anymore either, you aren’t even fun!”

Whomever wrote this script just decided to make Kaley terrible and then go wayyyyy off the rails so that none of these friendships make any sense at all.

Johnny asks Mandy why they played that trick on him and she admits that she doesn’t really know but it was Kaley’s idea (niceeeeee, throw your friend under the bus immediately) and she thought it would be funny.

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She totally lies with the “we didn’t mean to hurt you” line and it’s like come on, you did it 100% to hurt him. That was the whole point. He reminds her of that.

Kaley is at home watching tv and where are her parents? Wasn’t the point of having the party at Avery’s because her mom was out of town? Stupid effing movie. He sits outside with his laptop and disables their nest-like system with his computer programming skills. It’s so so stupid.

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Chris has deemed this “the worst Lifetime Movie I’ve ever seen. This is just crap.” He’s not wrong. It’s so bad and not even in a fun way.

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He gets into the house and she’s all “I’ll give you back the money!” when he pulls the gun on her. “JUST DON’T HURT ME!” she begs. He tells her all she cares about is herself and promptly puts her in his trunk. For a computer programmer this guy is very strong.

She gets to wherever it is that he keeps hostages and Mandy tells her this is all her fault because of her stupid blog and instead of saying anything or apologizing she’s all “where are we, jeez?”

Mandy’s parents call Avery in the morning in a panic because she never came home and Kaley isn’t answering. The police come and Avery tells them about Nick and the Skate park and she even has a photo that he’s in the background of magically.

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Then, he promptly kidnaps Avery just after she leaves the cops. He is so swift at getting teenaged girls into his trunk.

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He brings up that this was all Kaley’s idea, Mandy told him so. Kaley is PISSED. She tells Mandy to shut up. Avery says that they didn’t mean to hurt anyone at first, they wanted to see what the men replying were like. She is able to keep it cool in this situation because she is the mature, cool friend remember. He tells them they’re the beautiful people so they wouldn’t get it.

He’s obviously being played by a normal looking guy with greasy hair so I don’t know why they didn’t cast a weirder looking dude if they’re going to do long speeches of him complaining about being a hideous freak.

Kaley’s mom calls Avery’s mom in a panic because their security system is down and she’s gone. Avery is also gone! Mom panic assemble!

A detective puts shards of old grass into a bag. Check out Sherlock Holmes over here. *spoiler alert- this will never come up again or be important in any way

Johnny says he wants to teach these girls a lesson to show them the harm that they can cause (Chris gags and says “this guy is unbearable, I can’t stand him, I can’t stand the way he looks, ugh.” Chris would love it if he just died right now and the credits rolled)

Chris is totally right, I went from feeling badly for this guy to being so bored by him. Kaley spits on him and calls him stupid and ugly because she might truly be the dumbest. Avery tries to diffuse things again by saying that when she saw him at the airport she felt bad for him and he says “so bad that you put the video online for the whole world to see?” and touche.

Kaley, continues, “what, are you going to sleep with us now? Do you want to have sex with something other than your hand for once??”

Oh god, he goes on a tirade about how American women want so much, they think they should have everything but in other countries women are grateful for everything you give them and they love you for your personality and not for your looks. HAHAHAHAHA, okay. Also, his personality is arguably 100x worse than his looks so he’d be so doomed if he was correct. Kaley laughs about what a loser he is and he says he would have treated her like a queen. HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN HER DANCING!

Avery lies and says he’ll make a great husband someday and he asks if that’s what she’s looking for. I assume he asks if she’s single as soon as the edit cuts.

The detective talks to Avery’s mom. Mom tells her about Avery and Kaley fighting a lot lately about some blog prank.

Johnny talks on the phone to someone about “bringing all three tonight.”

Kaley is so annoyed that Mandy won’t stop crying- “I hate you so much right now” she says to her crying friend who may be about to get murdered. Kaley might be a sociopath and that would be a better movie than this- make that movie instead! Avery says she won’t go down without a fight and Kaley says she’ll rip out his throat- “Then why didn’t you do that when he showed up at your house?” – Chris, who hates her too.

The detective finds that the blog has been taken offline. She looks worried. Or maybe she’s puzzled about how the internet works.

He puts them in his car and says they’re in for a life very different than what they had planned and is he going to sell them into human trafficking? That’s what it sounds like.

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He arrives with these shitty dudes who are here to take the girls. He is all “wait, where’s the money?” and the guy pulls a gun on him and says he’s lucky they’re letting him live so clearly there will be no money. A car pulls up on them and so the traffickers take off with just Kaley. Johnny leaves with the other two.

He takes them back to his abandoned warehouse and locks Mandy up again. When he’s bringing Avery in she does fight back, as promised, but she also loses.

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They’re back to being locked up.

Mandy is confused about how he could sell them and Avery has to inform her about what sex trafficking is. Mandy is shocked.

Johnny runs home with his arm all bloody from when Avery slashed him and the prostitute who is always spying on him notices something is up. She comes over with another package. Jeez, Amazon, get your shit together.

The prostitute is played by the worst actor in this movie and that’s saying a lot. She says that she’ll take him to the doctor when she see’s his bloody arm and he’s all “I CAN’T GO TO THE DOCTOR!” because he’s really smooth and cool under pressure. She tells him she has friends who will help him because prostitution is a crime so she must know lots of criminals.

For some reason he opens up to this prostitute and says “I need to find someone who can get rid of two girls.” She is all “kill them?” and he clarifies to sell them. He tries to explain to her how the “underground web” works and it’s so stupid I can’t take it. He says he’ll split the money with her. She knows someone. I’m surprised this lady would be cool with forcing teenagers into prostitution but she seems to play by her own set of rules and also spends most of her time staring out her window so who knows.

She goes home and grabs her own gun and just puts her purple sweatshirt hood up on her head so now she’s incognito I guess.

The detective talks to Nick and he knows so little but he does still have his address.

Johnny and the prostitute arrive and after he unlocks Mandy the prostitute puts a gun to her throat…. but then she shoots Johnny and frees them! Oh, but wait, he turns around and shoots the prostitute. Man, she was such a weird character. RIP strangely aggressive prostitute who tried to help the girls.

They grab her gun but run out without shooting him again so even though he’s hurt pretty badly he still chases them. They hide and call 911 on what I believe is the prostitute’s phone. They have to be quiet when he runs near them.

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For some reason the 911 dispatcher tells the detective and then forwards the call to her and then the detective puts her mom on the phone- um, they’re still in front of the damn kidnapper. Stop passing the phone around and dispatch some cars please! Now the dispatcher has more questions about their location, oh my god.

Johnny seems to start dying again. He pulls out his phone to look at the love of his life one last time.

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“Some dead woman who died 5 years earlier.” – Chris, ice cold.

They escape. He dies thinking of playing his stupid classical guitar. “Shoot yourself. If I was ever rooting for someone to die it’s this guy.” There is a shot so I assume Chris got what he was hoping for.

By the way, when I took my grandma to see Les Mis a few years ago she hated Russell Crowe so much that when he was singing about his meaningless life she chanted “jump, jump, jump” in a movie theater so Chris will fit into my family jussssssst fine.

The detective questions Avery in the hospital about where Kaley went- but it is like 2 questions and she doesn’t wait for an answer.

It’s been 7 months and no one has seen or heard from Kaley. “The dark net” comes up again and it’s still cringey.

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The movie tries to send up how the media acts after something terrible happens but they only show like 1 person being interviewed so it makes no sense. Avery also says that somehow the media never said anything about them fooling him or the blog post which would never, in a million years, happen so whatever.

She is all “maybe if Kaley hadn’t done what she did she’d be here now.” Oh good, a little blaming the victim on the way out.

Chris- “That was horrible. Why did you do this to me?”

THE END.

Two things. Firstly, people are scammed on mail order bride sites all the time so this girl wasn’t blowing the lid off of anything. If anything, she was really naive. Secondly, Catfishing is a popular thing that has its own show and movie so again, not new territory. This movie acted like both of these things don’t already exist. I’m glad it’s over.

If There Be Thorns.

Another one of these things. At this point these are airing so quickly that they’re like a new series. I’m over at Kat’s and we’re taking in the madness together.

Kat thinks that this is set in the Pacific Northwest (so much lush greenery) but I thought it was Southern California- get your story straight, movies. I can barely remember what happened in the last one.

If There Be Thorns
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Wuthering High School.

Yup, you read that correctly. A modern high school adaptation of Wuthering Heights was made by Lifetime. My computer keeps autocorrecting to “Withering” which is super annoying and going to drive me nuts while I type this.

Admission time- I’ve never read the whole book of Wuthering Heights. I know the deal with Catherine and Heathcliff and their amazing love that ends up making them embittered old people. It just isn’t Jane Austen I guess and never held my attention (much like Jane Eyre, which seems like something I’d love and I do own as well). With this one I haven’t tried to read it since I was 16 so maybe I should revisit.

Wuthering High School
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Kept Woman.

Teresa told me to watch this and that it was ridiculous and I asked if it was about Ariel Castro and she said no way because it was all white people and other crazy things… but hahaha, it IS supposedly based on Ariel Castro so Lifetime ruins another scary true story. She found online that they’re making another, more real, version of this story as well so maybe they already knew this one was going to be mocked before it ever aired?

Kept Woman
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